Sharon Wolf, CSW
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Sharon Wolf, CSW |
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(Sharyn Wolf's Second Visit to Power Surge) Dearest: It is with great pleasure that I welcome back to Power Surge, psychotherapist, marriage / couples counselor, workshop leader, author and one of America's leading romance and relationship experts, SHARYN WOLF. Through her best-selling books,GUERILLA DATING TACTICS and 50 WAYS TO FIND A LOVER, Sharyn provides the reader with her unique strategies for *finding* the right partner. Now, in her newest book, HOW TO STAY LOVERS FOR LIFE.. Sharyn teaches us how to repair and generally make those relationships work. Sharyn has appeared on hundreds of TV shows, including 48 Hours, The Today Show, and has been a regular guest on Oprah. Sharyn, it's a pleasure to welcome you back to Power Surge :) Sharyn Wolf: Hello, hello Dearest: Among your patients and in your workshops, what specific relationship issues do you hear most frequently from women at midlife? Sharyn Wolf: Yes. Different issues for married or single. Married women worry about escalating arguments - worrying that they will lose marriage later in life. And they worry about sexual activity - they may want more than they get or less than their partner, but either way, they do worry. There are good things too. Middle aged women are more sure of themselves and what they want. Proftack: How common is it to have decreased sexual desire during menopause? What is treatment? Sharyn Wolf: Hi Prof. Yes, many women do see decrease in desire but often it is simply that we take our sex lives for granted - and our partners - and we don't invest as much into our sexuality as we did when our hormones were in overdrive. Dearest: Thank you, Sharyn. Tappy, go ahead. TappyJazz: Why is it that my husband seems to be irritable with me after making love when I feel so much closer to him. Is it the venus mars thing? Sharyn Wolf: Hi Tappy. What do you mean "irritable"? Does he not want to talk? What are you doing? TappyJazz: It happens maybe 24 hours later. Sharyn Wolf: Do you mean he snaps at you or that he avoids you? TappyJazz: We are close and then he goes into a shell or gets snappy a day later. Sharyn Wolf: OK. After close intimacy, he feels vulnerable and more in love. That actually can make him feel more emotional. So after a release through sex, he needs to retreat again to feel ok about himself. Don't worry about it, unless he is really nasty. Then you have to deal with it. Dearest: Thank you, Sharyn :) FB, go ahead, please :) FBriggs113: Any suggestions for how to push oneself to discuss issues of concern as they arise and not after thinking about them for hours myself? Sharyn Wolf: Yes. Great question FB. The problem occurs when you feel in your heart as if you are attacking rather than discussing. So say, "I want your help in talking about something that is hard for me" or "I have something on my mind and I'm hoping you can help. If you ask for help, you are less likely to sound attacking and more likely to get some. Dearest: FB, want to be more specific, or is that a general question? FBriggs113: No Dearest - it is general and the answer is most helpful - thanks Sharyn. Dearest: Bucher, go ahead :) Buchermj: How can you get your husband to talk. Every day things he will talk about, but if it is about emotions or personal things, no. Sharyn Wolf: Hi Bucher. Great and common question. OK here goes. First, men see the request to talk as Chinese water torture. So, specify a length of conversation. Say "Can we talk for ten minutes? You will have to be more prepared for your talk and know what you want to convey to him that will also help the conversation because you will have your thoughts more organized. Also find what time of day, he is most willing to talk. When he first comes home is not likely to be it. Buchermj: Thank you Dearest: Thank you, Sharyn. LindaIde. go ahead. Linda Ide: Any ideas on how to deal with "old" anger that seems to get in the way of feeling loving? Sharyn Wolf: Hi Linda. So many great questions. Bravo to you all. Ok. Is old anger from the relationship or even before that? Linda Ide: The relationship. Sharyn Wolf: OK. Old anger may not be resolved issues OR ELSE you may have a need to keep your anger at him, because if you give up the anger you will feel more vulnerable to being hurt again. SO, decide whether you can trust him now and if he has sufficiently apologized for what went wrong before. If he has, then you must work on your anger alone and not put it on him. So ask yourself, "What would you be doing with all your energy if you weren't spending it being so angry at him?" Dearest: Sharyn, how would you describe the difference in the way men and women "feel" about or think about sex? Sharyn Wolf: Men's sex is elemental, in your hand, external. Woman' s sex is internal, mysterious. That is the main difference to me. The metaphors of sex are derived from the biological difference between a penis and a vagina. One is an inny and one is an outy Joan5000: If your feelings and need to be truthful, threaten him, what do you do? Sharyn Wolf: Hi Joan. Great. Honesty without compassion is brutality. You don't want to pretend that you need to be honest when what you really want to do is hurt someone. So examine your motives closely Linda Ide: I've been described as a "High T" woman! Possible do you think? Sharyn Wolf: Hi Linda, Wha??? Linda Ide: High testosterone! Sexually think more like a male. Sharyn Wolf: OOOOOhhhhhhhh. I don't know you, so I wouldn't be able to answer, but could be? Or it may be simply that you are stereotyped as such and are really just a highly sexed, ass ... Sharyn Wolf: assertive healthy woman. Dearest: Hmm... Sharyn, lost it at the end of the line.... Sharyn Wolf: Ooppps, If you don't finish the word "assertive" there can be trouble Dearest: thought you typed "just a highly sexed ass ..... " saw assertive later :) Sharyn Wolf: LOL Dearest: LOL Dearest: FB, go ahead FBriggs113: I am a stereotypical adult child of an alcoholic - any suggestions for how to be honest with my own feelings and how to communicate - I usually like to stick my head in sand. Sharyn Wolf: Hi FB. OK. It is hard and ACOA children develop many skills later in life because they were so traumatized when young. I would say that what is most helpful is to develop your sense of deserving an honest relationship. If you have a good partner and it's still hard, you need to have a good nurturing team (like this one) to help you move forward. Dearest: Sharyn, how much of our relationship with our father do we bring into our adult relationships? Sharyn Wolf: It is unbelievable how many women in my practice shape their relationships around their father. We all do. He is our first male love. It makes sense. Even if he was a bad dad, chances are he had good parts. He told you bedtime stories or paid for your school or came to your recital. If you are not able to resolve your relationship with him (maintaining lots of anger) you will find a husband who has some of his worst qualities, and if you can wrestle out your relationship you will find a husband with his best qualities. HOWEVER, they may be the same man. The same man will have the best and the worst of your dad. It's your second chance to work it out. Dearest: Thanks, Sharyn. SMartin, go ahead. SMartin992: I'd like you to talk about what makes a relationship better. We're around each other 24/7 and are kind of bored with the whole thing. Sharyn Wolf: Hi SM. When you come home from work, walk over to your man and say hello. If he comes home when you are there and on the phone, HANG UP on your friend and talk to your man. Look in his eyes for 20 seconds. SMartin992: We both work out of the home and are around each other all the time. Sharyn Wolf: It is really the day to day, little things showing respect and making your relationship a priority that make the difference. ALso, think of a relationship as an infant that needs nurturing to grow. You can't grow a child on bad feedback and lack of time. You must feed a child and love a child AND you must feed your relationship too. Dearest: RikiDolph, your question. Sharyn Wolf: Hi RIK. RikiDolph: Thank you. I am in a 2 and 1/2 year on & off relationship that has been getting better lately. I am also seeing a few other men as friends - one in particular I really like. It is not physical at all largely because he is still hung up on an old love - I feel guilty about my interest in him - Sharyn Wolf: Do your "Friends" think it's friends or do they think you might change your mind about them? RikiDolph: It's new for me to have more than one man at a time. He is not interested in more at this point. Sharyn Wolf: This is confusing for you, I think because you are trying to hedge yourself. RikiDolph: It's the feeling level - what do you mean - hedge? Sharyn Wolf: It won't work. Sorry. If the man, after 2 1/2 years, can't be with the woman in front of his face, it's a lost cause. Pick a friend and move on. WINDOCK1: How do you suggest we regain romance after many years of marriage? Sharyn Wolf: Hi Win. Ok. What turned you on when you met won't work anymore. You need to do more. Sex dies cause we let it. It's not just about menopause. So, what you can do is to realize that it will take longer to get you hot. Your partner may not understand that you, biologically, need more time. That it isn't lack of desire, necessarily. And you may not realize that either. So you may think your sex drive is down when it's just heating like a crock pot instead of a wok!!! Dearest: Take longer to get us hot? We're ALWAYS hot (flashing) EPiontek: lol Dearest Sharyn Wolf: LOL Dear Dearest: Sharyn, let me ask you a question...... Sharyn Wolf: ok Dearest: So men and women, perhaps they lose their desire to be sexual with one another -- sexual, as in having intercourse, but isn't sexuality so much more than that? I mean can't they be without the actual sexual act for a while and explore new areas together? It's not like that's all there is. Sharyn Wolf: Many cultures have practiced sex without intercourse for years. I do talk about this in "How To Stay Lovers For Life". In any store, you can find books on Eastern practices. { The best sex there. say that good sex does not begin until after 50. } So try to have an orgasm looking in your partner's eyes. NOW that's sex -- with or without intercourse!! TappyJazz: DH lost his Dad in June. He is a workaholic now, is that normal? Sharyn Wolf: Hi Lin. Oh. Yes, He is sublimating his grief in work. It's better than booze or women. But, it will be harder now, with the holidays, so you may have to cut him some slack. My guess is that after the first of the year, it will get easier. If, by Jan 15, you don't see him doing any better, then you may need to speak with him about it. TappyJazz: Thanks so much for that Sharyn, I will Dearest: Bucher, go ahead. Buchermj: I told my kids that love is like a plant, you tend it or it will die! Just a thought. Dearest: Some of my plants remind me of the men I've chosen :) Sharyn Wolf: Hi Bucher. Great comment. I tell kids that love is like an earthworm. If you cut it in half you have more love to go around. Kids worry when they have to share love - that there won't be enough. It's good to reassure then that there is always enough for them Dearest: FB, go ahead. FBriggs113: Dearest dealt with my question in part, our individual and collective libido is down, my true love and I - that is - and I wonder - is there a problem if we are content with romance and not sex for now? Sharyn Wolf: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO FBriggs113: I take that as a no? Sharyn Wolf: We ebb and flow sexually throughout a life span. Sometimes there is more sex, sometimes, less. Some couples don't miss the sex. They are fully happy and close without it. They find it again on vacations, or sometimes, they just sleep, but, if you both feel ok with it, there is no problem. It is only a problem when two people are in disagreement over it and can't resolve that. Dearest: Sharyn, what does any middle aged man see in a much younger woman? (other than the obvious) Sharyn Wolf: Pert boobs, tight ass, and a chance to hide from old age by pretending. A chance to relive his youth with more money then he had. Dearest: Succinct :) And probably very accurate :) Thanks, Sharyn... shall we go on with some more questions? Sharyn Wolf: Sure! Dearest: Bitsy, go ahead, please. Bitsy2: Hi, we have been married a long time, 29 yrs. Been through a lot of problems, now kinda just living in the same house, hardly any sex. He wants me to initiate it, but I have no desire had a complete hysterectomy 3 yrs ago Sharyn Wolf: Hi Bits. Have the two of you resolved the problems you've had? Is there residual anger? Are you grieving for your loss 3 years ago? Does he get it? It sounds as if sex is not the issue but the symptom. Bitsy2: Probably, but he won't talk or go to counseling, denies there's a problem. Sharyn Wolf: It sounds as if you two need to find a way to have a conversation where neither one feels so hurt. You might be able to find a way to do it without therapy. I hope you can. 29 years is a long time, but you have a lot of life left and you don't want to grieve for the rest of it. Who could help you besides a counselor? Think about that. And, forget about sex for now. Just go out to dinner together. Show an interest in him. The sex will come later. Bitsy2: We do, but not a lot in common anymore Sharyn Wolf: The two of you don't feel CONNECTED. That is the problem, not sex. Bitsy2: You got that right. He is only interested in golf. He's lost interest in all else he used to do. When I say anything to him, he just gets angry. Sharyn Wolf: Find something new to have in common. Take up one of his interests. Take up an old interest you once shared. WORK at it. Otherwise, this is it. This is your life. You deserve more love, and you need it to THRIVE. Dearest: Sharyn, do you think it's wise for a couple to talk about the changes their relationship is going through - including talking about how the woman is changing during menopause? Sharyn Wolf: Great comment. Take my job. Talking must occur. That is the fuel or the relationship. If you don't tell him what is going on inside of you, he interprets it as lack of love or lack of interest. You need to let him know what is happening. Otherwise there are so many unnecessary misunderstandings and misfires. I find that many of couples' fights were simply misunderstandings and they argue over a lifetime about something that never even happened. Dearest: Absolutely true about misunderstandings. So important to keep the lines of communication open. Thanks. Dearest: C'mon... any relationship/love/passion/ sex questions for our expert? Sharyn Wolf: Yes, I'm lonely and I feel rejected. LOL Dearest: Hahaha. Are you really? LOL I'll try to help you. Dearest: Blush, go ahead. THRV Blush: Hubby asks how do you keep the fires going after lots of years. He couldn't remember how many with 3 kids ...2 who still walk in on us Sharyn Wolf: Hi Blush. Take photographs and exercise bike out of the bed room and use that room only for sex and sleep. Think back to great sex you had. Tell him the story of it. Remind him of how hot he was. Sex, like love, must be worked at. It won't maintain itself. I wish there was a magic wand, but, if you begin to re think your bedroom, that may help. As for the kids, well, I think that Ellen Kriegman has a good book on sex when there are kids in the house. Kids need to learn that just as they don't want you to walk in on them when they are with friends, you need private time, too. TappyJazz: Ohh, Sharyn, I'm off now to wake hubby. Sharyn Wolf: Tappy, wake him up in a nice, hot way and give him a kiss for me. TappyJazz: Bye for Now (sorry, no kiss from you, I get jealous) Dearest: One second.. Sharyn.....Dr and author Susan Rako wants to ask you something.. Dearest: Go ahead, Susan. Sharyn Wolf: Hi Susan. SUSAN RAKO: Sharyn --- great comments and wonderful help! Just one thing... If a woman has had a hysterectomy... she may be suffering loss of libido due to testosterone deficiency... and that needs to be considered... don't you think? Sharyn Wolf: Thank you Susan. I am not a medical Dr. and I missed an important point so I am very glad that you are here. Always, when there is a problem such as that one, the first thing I do is recommend a physical. Sometimes, the solution to the problem can be found much more easily than psychotherapy. Thank you Susan . I am glad you spoke up. Dearest: Right, Susan... we're dealing with the psychological dynamics of relationships now... even though it's understood.. and recommended that all women should be checked by their physicians first to rule out physical reasons for loss of sexual desire. SUSAN RAKO: I'm a shrink (please don't forget) Dearest: Sharyn, feel like answering a few more questions? Sharyn Wolf: Sure Sharyn Wolf:: Well, I'll speak. If you find that you do feel depressed or there has been a change in you or your partner, we often look at the circumstances we are in, but it does make sense to have a checkup first. There are many physical reasons that one can feel depressed. AND, now, with the holidays coming women who are prone to the blues may feel them. I hope that you all get through the holiday holidays well, and take care of yourselves. Dearest: Bucher, go ahead. Buchermj: What if you are on different wave lengths. He goes to bed at 9 and I can't sleep before 11 or 12. He gets upset if I get back up after sex. Sharyn Wolf: Yes, this is a problem. Couples can go to bed at different times and rise at different times, too. So, split the difference. Stay with him some nights till he falls asleep and get up others. The problem is not the different schedules, it is that it is hard for the two of you to talk it through to resolution. If you can talk to each other, it won't matter if you get up or not. Good luck. Dearest: Thanks, Sharyn :) VB, go ahead, please. Sharyn Wolf: HI VB What's the problem? :) VBrando101: Been married 30 yrs...sex was always great..I still love him but he still wants to have sex every other night and I have the desire once a month Sharyn Wolf: Yikes. That leaves a lot of room for negotiation. Ok. He needs some help with his sex drive. Well, not help, he's fine, but the two of you need to find a way out of this and into a better place. So, I write about this in the book but, can't he have sex with you watching sometimes? VBrando101: Never did that. What do you mean? Sharyn Wolf: Do you always have to have intercourse? And, maybe he is getting too stimulated for some reason. He needs to put the girly mags away. Dearest: With whom does he have sex while she's watching? (g) VBrando101: No girly mags....always been like this. Sharyn Wolf: How can you compromise here? What can you offer so that he doesn't feel unloved and you don't feel pressured? That is what you two need to figure out. VBrando101: That sounds good thanks. I think you are right! Sharyn Wolf: Sometimes, just because we love each other we give when we want to take. Dearest: Thanks, Sharyn -- Msmagcat, go ahead. Msmagcat: Maybe it's just me but working at sex sounds so clinical. Been married 28 yrs. & we both have grown up but don't think I could work at it if I had to. Sharyn Wolf: Hi MS. The work isn't at the sex itself. It is like I told VB. The work is to find a way that neither partner feels shamed or rejected. That is the hard part. The work is for two people to find a way to speak to each other about difficult matters. How can we feel heard in our position instead of feeling blamed? How can we listen to each other without thinking more about what is being said than how we will counter? How can we look for WHAT IS RIGHT about what he says instead of what is wrong about it. That is what I mean by the work. Not, move your thumb counter-clockwise. Msmagcat: I see. OOHHH Dearest: Sharyn, can you elaborate on the statement you made earlier -- sometimes when we love each other -- we give when we want to take. Sharyn Wolf: Yes, tonight I saw Paul Newman on Bravo. He was asked about his marriage to Joanne Woodward. He said, "It was impossible in the beginning. It was impossible in the middle. And, it's impossible, still." All relationships are 60 /40. You give sixty and you only get forty. It ain't for sissies, but sometimes you give 70 and only get thirty. In the long run, it should end up 60/40, but life is such that we just give because we love. Of course, there has to be a knowledge that we will get our turn to be coddled, later. To give and give and give is unhealthy unless you want Mother Theresa's old job. Dearest: I wouldn't have much trouble giving 70 if I'd been married to Paul Newman (better yet, Robert Redford :) Thanks (g) Sharyn Wolf: LOL Dearest: What wonderful answers, Sharyn. Sharyn Wolf: Thank you so much. Great questions. Dearest: Susan, you had a comment? SUSAN RAKO: Absobloominglutely wonderful to listen to you. Great wisdom about love and loving. Sharyn Wolf: Oh, thank you so much for your help before. It's easy to miss something important in this kind of forum. But, it is such a pleasure to be able to talk to all of you and hear what is on your mind. I learn here, too! Blush: Earlier, my hubby had me ask the "keep the fire burning " question. Before he left the room, I asked if that was a personal question. He said no, just didn't think anyone else would ask. Should I be concerned?? I thought we were OK Sharyn Wolf: How interesting. He thinks women are not interested in that. But he may be teasing and sending you a little message that he would like you to approach him. Blush: No..that they wouldn't ask that in a forum like this. (he's never watched our questions before) Dearest: ( g ) Sharyn Wolf: Yes, he thinks we are uptight about sex. What a surprise he might have to know. I think he'd like you to approach him. Also, look at his metaphor...burn...he is looking for a hot night with you, so ask him how he plans to get started. Don't worry. It was just a comment. Go and ask him if he wants to talk about sex with you. And, then you will know what he means. Blush: You may be right about the hot night... he hired a sitter for 2 evenings next week Sharyn Wolf: Oh, he has plans for you. See, he was trying to be affectionate and to let you know that Fire is in his mind. Blush: He's very affectionate..very caring and loving. Thank you Sharyn Dearest: I'd like to make one comment as we close this wonderful guest conference. Remember, everyone.... if you have a husband who adores you...count your blessings. Not everyone is so lucky :) Sharyn Wolf: Yes, please. I have two dogs to send through obedience school. Dearest: Sharyn, thank you ever so much for a wonderful evening....your answers were right on.. sharp.. articulate and full of information. Sharyn Wolf: I had a great time. Thank you. Dearest: Be sure to treat yourself to Sharyn's books, GUERILLA DATING TACTICS and 50 WAYS TO FIND A LOVER, Sharyn provides the reader with her unique strategies for *finding* the right partner. Now, in her newest book, HOW TO STAY LOVERS FOR LIFE.. Sharyn teaches us how to repair and generally make those relationships work. Dearest: Also, visit Sharyn's Web site -= Datelynx - where you can write questions, you didn't get answered here. Dearest: Everyone, please join me in thanking Sharyn for a wonderful evening. SGETT: Thank you so much for coming {S applause Buchermj: Thanks so much Sharyn :) Redfencer: Thanks Sharyn! Great Evening! Do visit again... :) woof,woof Eve G 406: {S applause. Thanks so much. Dearest: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Sharyn }}}}}}}}}}} Thank you and happy holidays! Blush: {S applause Olivia822: to you too Sharyn!!!! WINDOCK1: Sharyn, thank you and Happy Holidays to you. Cinda: Hi! Noseehum, Mimi Welcome to Power Surge! Eve G 406: Night all gotta run, hope to see you Wed night Dearest: Night, Eve :) SGETT: Night Eve Dearest: You were just wonderful, Sharyn :) TZvia1: THANK YOU SHARYN Sharyn Wolf: Thank you all. This is such a great forum. Bye to you all and Happy Holidays Sharyn Wolf: Thank you all one last time. Dearest: Please come back again very soon :) Blush: Yes, please do Dearest: And you'll all love HOW TO STAY LOVERS FOR LIFE.. It's a terrific book! Dearest: Thanks, Sharyn...this was terrific! Come back and join us again soon in Power Surge. Night, everyone :) Read Sharyn Wolf's first transcript Read Sharyn Wolf's third transcript Disclaimer: Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an endorsement of a guest's views. None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest. 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