Dr. Scantling's Second visit to Power Surge)

Dearest:      Tonight is a special Valentine's Day Intimacy Chat with my guest, 
Clinical Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist and author of the new book, 
"Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide To Intimacy"... D R.   S A N D R A    S C A N T L I N G


Dr. Scantling is also on the faculty of the University of Connecticut School of 
Medicine and has appeared on "Today" and "Good Morning America".  She is the 
co-author of "Ordinary Women, Extraordinary Sex" and the creator of the "Ordinary Couples, 
Extraordinary Sex" videotapes, which have sold over a million copies.

Welcome back to Power Surge, Sandy.

Happy Valentine's Day to you and everyone present. Why do you think it takes a 
national *holiday* such as this to ignite passion? Why can't we have this feeling 
without having to stand online in a Hallmark shop to buy Valentine's cards with 
other people's words and for an hour at the florist to buy roses?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Happy Valentine's Day everyone!  Thanks for having me back on 
Power Surge.  Thanks again....great question. Having passion is something we 
all need in our lives.  Why is it so darned difficult?  By the way...I've got a 
new title to share with the Power Surge group...Director of Intimacy Education at 
the Sinclair Intimacy Institute -- you're the first to know.


Dearest:      Congratulations, Sandy. How wonderful (impressive, but not surprising) 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   It's hard to be vulnerable and tell someone you love them...
guess that's why Hallmark continues, huh? Thanks, Dearest.


Dearest:      Sandy, what's the basic difference.  Yup, sure seems so.. let me ask you, 
though... between "love" and "lust?"  

Oops. that was what's the difference between lust and love? 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Did this Valentine's Day "measure up" or was it a disappointment?  
Let me see...Love and Lust, hmmmm

Seems to me that Lust is pretty explosive and "unconscious"--I consider Love 
a choice we make to enter into a real relationship.  Real relationships...
in my book I refer to Extraordinary Sex...involves choice and work.


Dearest:      Does that mean we have to knock our lovers/partners "unconscious" 
to get them to be lustful? (g) 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   LOL, Dearest


Dearest:      Anyway, great answer. Let's go to the audience questions.
ConWoman, you had a question?


ConWoman 7:   Can you give me some tips on becoming orgasmic?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Becoming orgasmic is such an interesting question...  As you know--
orgasmic response is triggered by pleasure but it is inhibited by tons of 
things most specifically WHAT you are thinking!  Let me ask you a question...
Have you ever been orgasmic by yourself?  (please don't mind if I get personal--
we're friends here)


ConWoman 7:  No


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Have you ever touched your genitals in a pleasant way? 


ConWoman 7:   Yes and I become very wet with a partner


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Great start.  When do you notice that the wetness reduces...or do you?  
Is it at a particular time in your lovemaking?


ConWoman 7:   It doesn’t


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Great...so it sounds like you have no problem with being aroused.  
Tell me what happens when you get turned on...Do you get close to orgasm?


ConWoman 7:  There is a build up, but it just doesn't happen and my partner 
finally stops stimulating me


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Why do you want an orgasm?  (for your lover or for you?)  
At the point of the buildup, do you begin to wonder if you're going to have an orgasm?


ConWoman 7:   Both - because I want the release my partner seems to get and 
for her because she wants me to  


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   It's what you focus on AT THAT TIME, that stops you.  Sounds like 
there's an expectation that is stopping your pleasure.  Trust, openness, 
focus on pleasure, and practice are all keys...


ConWoman 7:   I focus on anticipating if it will be different.  I'm  45 yrs old and gay


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   ...and they're fun...you need to let go of your expectations...
easier said than done and I also recommend the Becoming Orgasmic Video from 
Sinclair  --1-800-955-0888..Good luck.


ConWoman 7:   We are having fun/I am in a new relationship and trying new things.  
Thank you 


Dearest:      Con, I've seen Dr. Scantling's videos and they're wonderfully 
educational and informative and done in such a "classy" way :)  Thanks, Sandy :)


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   I respect your courage ConWoman and wish you luck--have fun, that's 
the most important part of lovemaking, don't forget it. 


VpsIII:   I have been married for 20 years, and am a DES daughter.  Hormones are 
playing a major role in our sex life... also a 13 year old daughter that loves 
to stay up all night.  How can I deal with both problems? 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Can you be more specific, Vps--what is the problem you'd like 
my help with?   How are the hormones impacting on your sex life?


VpsIII:   Perimenopause, and a teenager, they are like oil and water when trying 
to spend time with ones husband.  I have no libido....


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   No doubt these are definitely challenges-Perimenopause and teens 
affect us differently--when did you lose you your libido?  Did you ever have one?


VpsIII:   Nine months ago 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   What happened 9 months ago--you can apparently pinpoint it..  
Do you ever think about sex now?


VpsIII:   No reason for lack of libido, Yes, but after trying to balance my 
hormones


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Making love takes some planning...if lubrication is decreased, 
there are ways to increase it by heightening your arousal  --something 
is changing and it may be more than your hormones.  How is your 
relationship?  Have you discussed this with your partner?  No time for secrets 
here.  And I hope your daughter knows you need some privacy.  If not, TELL HER 
(nicely) and take care of yourself.


VpsIII:   It has always been fine, until the last 9 months.  (spreds hands open)


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Do you know how to do that?   So many mothers and wives forget how 
to be women.


VpsIII:   That has been done


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Libido (desire) is responsive to testosterone, but that treatment is 
not without some risk (cardiac and others  I suggest you discuss this with 
your OBGYN and make sure the lines of communication stay open with your partner.  
Schedule time together and "play" without being explicitly sexual.  When the 
performance expectation is reduced...you may find you have more interest.  
If not, there may be something else blocking your passion.   Good luck, Vps.


VpsIII:   I have, and do.  Thank you Dr. Sandy


Mirage6678:   Can a woman have a orgasm without any vaginal stimulation 
at all, say from just intercourse.  I meant clitoral stimulation


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Absolutely!!! (Thank god)...We can be orgasmic in our dreams...
but frankly, I worry about too much emphasis on orgasm...You can be orgasmic 
through breast touching, clitoral stimulation, or other touch--but many women 
are not orgasmic and report feeling wonderfully connected during lovemaking...
don't let it become a burden.  I have a number of patients who bought into 
the Cosmo thing and were disappointed they couldn't have five or six 
orgasms in a row.  I tell my patients, "Focus on Pleasure, NOT measure!"


Dearest:      Sandy, do you think we've become so rushed in our lives, so limited 
for time, that many approach sex more as a goal to achieve as they do at work 
than a pleasure to savor for every moment?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Well said, Dearest.  I really worry about the achievement mentality..


Mirage6678:   I wondered if a woman could without the stimulation to the clitoral area


Dearest:      Mirage, Dr.Sandy did say women can achieve orgasm many ways, 
including stimulation of other areas.


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Many women want to orgasm because their partner feels their sexual 
aptitude hinges on YOUR orgasm...not great.  Yes, Mirage, women can have orgasms 
in a number of ways...but don't make it an ordeal for yourself.  Some women 
INSIST on having a no-hands orgasm…in other words their partner wants them 
to orgasm through penetration along...NO FAIR!!  This is NOT an olympic event.  
Remember that this is about loving and respectful connections... enjoy!! 

Mirage6678:   Thanks


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   You're welcome, Mirage 


LynnCSE:   There is a sex Therapist in Madison WI named Sinclair, is that the 
Institute?  Also. more information about testosterone, how much, when


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   No--That's a social worker with the same name.


LynnCSE:   Sandy, this one is a certified Sex Therapist, AASECT


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Testosterone-you need to talk to your OBGYN about that.  Usually start 
with 2 mg but depends.  May elevate your cholesterol...nothing to enter into without 
consultation with an expert.   Yes the therapist named Sinclair is certified-
don't know him personally.  


LynnCSE:   Thanks. Assuming then that the AASECT certified Sex Therapist is 
not Sinclair of Institute, right? 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Correct, Lynn 


Dearest:      What about the "power" involved in sex?  Women are no longer the 
submissive creatures they were decades ago. Is it unnatural for women to 
feel as assertive as their partner?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Actually not only is it natural, its freeing...but some partners 
have difficulty with more assertive womenbut that is just part of the communication 
challenge. 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Is there a doctor in the house??


Dearest:      LOL


DrHKelly:   ::grins:: a dr in training right here!


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Paging Dr. Kelly


Dearest:      Go ahead with your question, DrHKelly.


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Hi--Doc, what can I do for you?


Dearest:      Remembering Dr.Kildare


DrHKelly:   Heheh I am 2nd yr Med school, and I was wondering ... 
my husband,  42 and I, 22,  are having a little battle of wits I guess.. 
He has a very hard time being intimate.  Not performing.. but doing the 
special things to get to the point of intercourse.  I was wondering if you 
had any suggestions on how to bring him around?  I mean so it doesn’t 
seem like just sex. Do you know what I mean?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Since you use the words "special" things, you apparently 
know what you want, right?  Don't keep them a secret, doc..tell him what 
you need.  I sure do know what you mean.  You want lovemaking to feel 
like more than a gynecological exam.


DrHKelly:   The playfulness,  foreplay before hand,  I have told him, but still, 
it's like go to bed have sex go to sleep.


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   What do you want to  do after you make love?  I KNOW you know 
what you want. Tell him and you may be surprised how accommodating he 
becomes!  


DrHKelly:   Ok.. I'll try ... thanks:)


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Try to make love at different times of the day also, Dr. Not always 
at night.  Good luck!


Dearest:      Also, be sure to get a copy of Dr. Sandy Scantling's book, 
"Extraordinary Sex Now"


DrHKelly:   Thanks  


Dearest:      A wealth of information :)


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Thanks, Dearest.  It really is a great book (she says not so humbly).


Dearest:      She doesn't have to be humble :)  GSpin, go ahead.


GSpin10695:   what can you do to help with premature ejaculation


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   There are a number of excellent techniques to slow down ejaculation.  
Men learn to climax rapidly and can learn to arrive more slowly.  Then best 
book around (a classic) is Dr Bernie Zilbergeld's  The New Male Sexuality. 
He describes the stop start technique and the squeeze technique.  Tried and true.  
And YOU can help : )--have fun. 


GSpin10695:   Thanks 


Dearest:      Sandy, why is it that sometimes we may want to hold off an orgasm 
in order to keep experiencing the foreplay pleasure and then we can't get 
it back again? 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   The more we hold off the orgasm, the longer the plateau and 
pleasurable intensity--sometimes we miss the mark and have trouble getting 
the right neurons firing.  You know, sexual response involves neuro-muscular 
and chemical innervation along with psychological-emotional-imaginal factors 
really complicated.  That’s why I say, if you miss the bus once in a while, 
don't worry and enjoy the walk home.


Dearest:      Thanks, Sandy.


Dearest:      I've found that the most powerful men need to de-stress during their 
intimate moments and have the woman take the initiative. What are your 
thoughts on this?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   It really depends on the partner, but most people enjoy being wanted 
and like some demonstrable proof by having your lover reach out to you.  
If one of you does most of the initiating, I'd suggest you reverse roles and see 
how that change spices things up.  Lying there like wet spinach (or dry spinach) 
isn't sexy.


GSpin10695:   Sometimes its so hard to get aroused I had a hysterectomy 
4 years ago and sex just don’t feel the same but still have my ovaries.


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   This is another complicated issue--Not all women who have 
hysterectomies have problems with arousal.  I had one in 1985 and had 
everything cleaned out-I can now rent parking space (but seriously)-no 
problem with arousal.  It may have something to do with your feeling about 
yourself as a women, it may also have some physiological basis in terms 
of endocrine decrease, circulation impairment, or the way your partner 
responds to you now.  I suggest you discuss this with a good OBGYN 
and have your partner join you.


GSpin10695:   It seems like it is the sensation


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Yes--sensation does change as we age.  Not just after having a 
hysterectomy.  We may be reactive to certain colognes...fabrics and a touch 
that once turned us on no longer does.


GSpin10695:   I all so take synthroid


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   I see this as a benefit.  You need to find the new things 
that turn you on and not rely on old 'standards.'  Yes...the thyroid issue 
is also involved.  Don't give up.  GO on a pleasure hunt I assure you, 
it's still there!


GSpin10695:   Thank  you  


Dearest:      I'm curious, but how many women here have found their libidos 
decline since starting menopause? Feel free to type your answer to screen. 


CMott1234:   After years of trying different positions and techniques, 
I still cannot climax with intercourse alone.  I have to stimulate myself


THRV Sue:   Slightly decreasing


MomReads:   Yes sirree . . . seems pretty dead to me upstairs and downstairs 
a lot of the time,


Dearest:      C'mon, let's see those answers :) No one else has felt her libido diminish 
at all since menopause started?


MomReads:   Libido?  I think it fell off my wagon about 2 years ago.


THRV Sue:   Shy audience


CMott1234:   sheer fatigue has waned my interest


Dearest:      Sandy, do you think women are more accepting of men's changes 
as they age than men are of women's? 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Without a doubt.  Women are more accepting in general about 
most things. 


Dearest:        Women are also more self-conscious about their appearance in 
intimacy, no?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Most women are great at being task-oriented and being understanding...
we're just hard on  ourselves..yes!  Really makes me foam at the mouth 
when we try to maintain that twenty-something package and drive ourselves 
crazy doing it.  What we have to do is become more understanding 
of our own limits, I think. 


Dearest:      And, have you noticed that men, although they may be unattractive, 
overweight, balding, not very sexy.... want only the youngest, skinniest, 
sexiest women? 


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Ain't fair.  Let's not buy into it.  Remember the results 
of the most recent survey.  Older women have the lowest incidence of sexual 
dysfunction.  Vive la experience!!!


Dearest:      I think older women are at their sexiest, too :) GSpin, your question?


GSpin10695:   Been through it, kids,  stress, sometimes you can’t get away from  
that


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   I agree--emotional stress of any kind kills pleasure (of all kinds).


Dearest:      So, Sandy, to go back to the beginning about why we need a national 
holiday to express all this love and ....sexuality.. what three tips can you 
give us to keep the fires burning all the time?  no pun intended :)


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   It's kind of nice to have a ritual for loving...Of course we 
should make time to touch each day.  I'd say to begin with something small--
increase your kisses from a two second peck to a four second smooch.  Instead 
of hitting your partner with a list of criticisms tomorrow, tell him one thing 
you love about him and if you're usually the one who waits to initiate, 
reach over and give him a great foot massage (or whatever) he'll be in heaven 
and so will you!  Each day can be Valentine's Day, you know : )


Dearest:      So, "Extraordinary Sex Now" might also mean treating your partner 
with extraordinary care and consideration?


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   You say things so well, Dearest.  Yes.  One of the ingredients 
of Extraordinary Sex is "treat your partner like company."  Don't save 
the good china for guests.  


Dearest:      Great idea. Think I'll invite my company over right after the chat :)


Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   :)


Dearest:      Sandy, thanks for joining us in Power Surge to field our about 
questions about intimacy, sexuality, lust vs. love and the nature of 
relationships.

Anyone interested in obtaining Dr. Sandra Scantling's book, "Extraordinary Sex Now:
A Couple's Guide To Intimacy" - (Doubleday).  Also, Dr. Scantling's video 
series, "Ordinary Couples, Extraordinary Sex" can be obtained through 
Sinclair Institute at: 1-800-955-0888. I've seen them and they're wonderful.
Visit  Dr. Sandy's Web site.

Dr. Sandra Scantlng:   Always a pleasure. Thanks for having me.

If you have any questions you'd like to ask Dr. Sandy, visit her 
"Ask The Intimacy Expert page.

Read Dr. Sandra Scantling's first transcript



Disclaimer:  Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose
opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an 
endorsement of a guest's views.

None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without 
the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest.

Read other transcripts by returning to the Library.


Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


Copyright©1994-2008 by Power Surge.  All Rights Reserved.