Dr. Sandra Scantling
|
|
Dr. Sandra Scantling |
Guest: Dr. Sandra Scantling
 About Dr. Sandra Scantling |
 "Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide To Intimacy"  Ask The Intimacy Expert |
(Dr. Sandy Scantling's first visit) Dearest: My guest tonight is Clinical Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist and author of the new book, "Extraordinary Sex Now : A Couple's Guide To Intimacy"... DR. SANDRA SCANTLING. Dr. Scantling is also on the faculty of the University of Connecticut School of Medicine and has appeared on "Today" and "Good Morning America." She is the co-author of "Ordinary Women,
Extraordinary Sex" and the creator of the "Ordinary Couples, Extraordinary Sex" videotapes, which have sold over a million copies and are advertised regularly in the NY Times and other publications. Intimacy isn't "performance," nor how many "positions" people can assume during lovemaking, nor how many times a couple has sex, nor is it about simultaneous orgasm. According to Dr. Scantling, "...the secret to extraordinary intimacy is understanding your own sexual style and the style of your partner so you can capitalize on the very best each of you has to offer." Dearest: Dr. Scantling, welcome to Power Surge :) I loved your book, especially the sexual styles and metaphors, but we'll get into that with the next question and quiz :) Let me ask you, how can anyone have a fulfilling emotional and sexual life unless they're willing to become vulnerable? And, aren't we all somewhat afraid of that very vulnerability? Thanks. Dr. Sandra Scantling: Thank you, Dearest, wonderful to be here and a great question. You really hit the nail on the head. Vulnerability is key to intimacy - I call it the need-fear dilemma. We all need intimacy, but fear it, too. The way to overcome that fear is to face it - sounds easy, but it takes some work. Dearest: Thanks, Dr. Scantling. Shall we go to the quiz now? Dr. Sandra Scantling: Sure - I have a 20 item quiz that comes from my book, Extraordinary Sex Now. You should answer A, B, C, or D. Select the answer that comes to you first. Don't be concerned, there are no right or wrong answers. Dearest: I have prepared the questions for you :) Dr. Sandra Scantling: Great! Dearest: Ok, let's go... Everyone, please participate in this quiz. Thanks. Dr. Scantling wanted to do a little quiz. There will be 3 questions out of the 20 in her book to help you discover your own sexual style. Please respond with the first answer (A, B, C, or D) that comes to mind - then return to protocol and Dr. Scantling will explain what the various sexual styles - Lion, Bear, Bee or Otter :) 1. When I'm stressed or anxious, I prefer ...... A. Closeness B. Solitude C. Doing something.. like gardening (or working on my computer.) D. Daydreaming, hiking or just getting away. THRV Sue: C LORACURA: D PianoMary: b Snowpaux: A Mom350: c Sally1019: D JTANCH: b RCHCTH: b MARYSTOCK: a Dearest: C Dearest: <~~~ answered, too :) Dearest: Thing is, sometimes I prefer B also! LOL LORACURA: Sometimes I prefer B too Norlee: B Dearest: Question #2. Please respond with the first answer that comes to mind. 2. When it comes to sex, I usually... A. Initiate B. Wait to be invited C. Schedule lovemaking D. Am a spur-of-the-moment kind of person. LORACURA: d Sally1019: D Dearest: D Snowpaux: D THRV Sue: b PianoMary: b Norlee: b JTANCH: b Mom350: d but sometimes b Dearest: And the final question (remember, these are only "3" of the "20" in Dr. Scantling's book, Extraordinary Sex Now.) Question #3. Please respond with the first thought that comes to mind. 3. When it comes to arguing, I ... A. Am a masterful debater and argue until I've won B. Dislike confrontation C. Stick to the facts and make my points logically D. Use humor or some unconventional approach to disarm my opponent. PianoMary: b RCHCTH: a & b LORACURA: is there another answer? LOL MARYSTOCK: b&d JTANCH: b Norlee: b Mom350: c THRV Sue: b Dearest: CRCHCTH: b & a Sally1019: B & D Dearest: I try B first, but if that doesn't work, I go for C (and D if the jugular is required) :) Snowpaux: C Dr. Sandra Scantling: Really interesting--lots of "B" answers. Let me tell you what the letters stand for. If you selected "A" you're a LION, "B" is a BEAR, "C" is a BEE, and "D" is an OTTER. People are really consistent, it seems, in their choices. You can be one style at work, and another in relationships. LIONS are assertive, outgoing, energizers--they hate abandonment and to be ignored. BEARS dislike confrontation they are stabilizers - powerful and generous, but hate to be pushed. They are slow to anger, but can also be slow to forgive. In relationships, they hold the power cards. "C" are BEES and they are logical, factual, and analytical. They don't "do" feelings very well, but are real pleasers - want to make folks happy. They are technically "perfect" lovers - or try to be. They are too logical sometimes, and need to learn to have more fun and less work. Dearest: (sigh) Dr. Sandra Scantling: And finally "D" is our OTTER, who loves to play, be creative and spontaneous - but hates to be fenced-in. Couples seem to be attracted to styles that complement each other and then unfortunately go on a mission to change the other!! Once you know your style and your partner's style, you can tailor make your intimacy approach. Dearest: How about those who are a combination? Dr. Sandra Scantling: Actually the key to ES (extraordinary sex) is flexibility, balance. We are often a little of one and a little of another style. Remember, when we face our vulnerability, we are learning to strengthen the part of us that is often expressed by our PARTNER! So if you have trouble with patience, then patience will be a bit challenging to you, and your partner may be your best teacher. Unfortunately we don't usually see it that way. We marry them and then want them to be more like us - you know do it my way - the "right" way. :) I wonder if people in the audience are attracted to their complement? JTANCH: I've always thought so. LORACURA: <~~~~~~~waving THRV Sue: A big YES Norlee: So, what's the compliment? Mom350: That's me Norlee: Yep! Dr. Sandra Scantling: The compliment is usually the flip side of our personality. It's as if we all have a shadow side - and long to complete that missing piece of ourselves through our partner. So the talkative one is attracted to the listener, and then expects him to talk. Sex is really quite easy. It's intimacy that's difficult. Anyone can carry-off a passionate encounter for 6 months, but then what? Dearest: Which one are you, Dr. Scantling? And what is your partner? Dr. Sandra Scantling: I'm a Lion with a little Otter - passionate and playful. My partner is a Bear with some Bee features - and we can get into some real struggles unless I take a few lessons from my book :) Dearest: This reminds me of "Astrosexology" :) What about women who are with immovable partners? Dr. Sandra Scantling: That's usually the biggest challenge. We are such experts on changing our partner. Usually the couples I treat want me to "fix" the other one :) Dearest: Thanks.... Lora, go ahead. LORACURA: Does our type change as we mature/age, or is it a fixed thing? Dr. Sandra Scantling: Great question, Lora. We usually become comfortable with our style in the thirties and become more "fixed" in the late third decade, but I like to think of a TV analogy. We can't really switch channels and go from being a LION to a BEAR but we can adjust the fine tuning knob (I'm dating myself with this example - I know) :) So we can modify our styles if we are motivated to do so. No behavior is irrevocably fixed. Dearest: I would imagine the answers to those questions have changed over the past 30 years, as women have come into their own, yes? Dr. Sandra Scantling: Definitely. I don't think that we ever thought of our own styles as separate from our "man" in the "leave it to Beaver era." Dearest: <~~~ not touching the "beaver" line with a ten foot pole! Dr. Sandra Scantling: We were all dutiful Bees who were there to please and only to please others. Sorry about that Beaver metaphor--sort of slipped out. LOL Dearest: LOL Dr. Sandra Scantling: The unconscious speaks loudly, doesn't it. (smile) JTANCH: Tee-hee THRV Sue: ROFL Dr. Sandra Scantling: The key to ES and the key to so many other successes in our lives is choice - empowerment. It's why I love the title of this chat room - POWER SURGE!! How fabulous. We are not dependent on our partners to "turn us on" as we lie there like a head of lettuce. No one can GIVE you an orgasm, if you're mind is balancing your check book. Right? Dearest: How has the experience of orgasm changed in the past 30 years since the sexual revolution? I mean, weren't we more passive orgasm'ers than we are today? Dr. Sandra Scantling: We get all these one size fits all prescriptions to be sexy. That really hasn't changed. Like put on a negligee that feels like dental floss, and find ways to bend ourselves into a pretzel. I don't know about you, but my knees are starting to give out a bit. It's true that we're feeling entitled to more passion now. In fact we get a little demanding about it sometimes and that can be problematic. The problems come when we focus on counting orgasms and forget about the real purpose of sex - pleasure AND connection. (Hard to remember that if you're focused on the fact that your tummy isn't as flat as it used to be.) I have a chapter on self-seduction in the book that I love. It describes a woman in her 60's who is walking topless in St Barths. I saw her and although her breasts and butt weren't as nubile as a 20 year old's, she had a fabulous sway to her hips and an undeniable self confidence. I was blown away - it really confronted my own personal "beauty myths." As a sex therapist it's so easy to talk the talk, but walking that walk is a real challenge - especially now that my own butt is going south for the winter. A little bit :) JTANCH: Mine too Dearest: Very true. Thanks, Dr. Scantling... Mom350, go ahead with your question. Mom350: Husband is passionate & so am I, but once in bed or wherever I start thinking about if I'm going to turn on and if things will go okay for him. What's up with that? Dr. Sandra Scantling: The best way to ruin your sexual fun is to start worrying so early in the game. Have you had problems with arousal, Mom? Mom350: Some now with the big M, but I really enjoy sex and having fun with it. Dr. Sandra Scantling: You say that once you're in bed, you begin to think about whether all will work out ok. The best advice I can give you is to stay focused on YOUR pleasure - in all of its forms. When you find yourself drifting and worrying, go back to what you love - smells, images, tastes, whatever. It takes practice, but practice is fun!! Mom350: But most of my pleasure comes from giving him pleasure. Dr. Sandra Scantling: That's a problem, too. What if he's not in the mood? If you make a delicious dinner and he's not hungry, will you not enjoy YOUR meal?? There's such a thing as being TOO compassionate and giving up time to take some yummies for yourself. Mom350: He's Hungry, most of the time, I guess I feel overwhelmed. Dearest: Dr.S., women who have been married for a long time have a history with their partners. What about the many single women embarking on new intimate relationships? Aren't there additional concerns, especially for middle aged, menopausal women? Dr. Sandra Scantling: No doubt. Starting a new relationship is scary and exciting. There is always that unfair advantage we feel single men have, but it's not true that mature, fabulous, vibrant women haven't lots to contribute and draw from. Again, the secret is self-confidence and self-loving. We must learn that we haven't peaked yet - not even close!! The best is yet to come. I treat women in their 70's who are wonderfully passionate and alive - having great sex, too, I might add. :) Dearest: May I share a brief story with you? Something personal, which I rarely ever do :) Dr. Sandra Scantling: Yes, please... Dearest: I think you'll like the way I handled it :) I've met someone in the past few months online whom I'll be meeting offline over the holidays. There have been some things bothering me about the possibility of a sexual relationship. If I tell you what it is, I hope you don't laugh, but the fact that I've lost a great deal of my pubic hair is very distressing to me. So, I figured there was only one way to handle it. I talked to him about it. I was surprised by his response. And very excited, because he said it doesn't bother him at all and, in fact, it's a turn on to him. I can't tell you how good that made me feel about this insecurity. Finis! Dr. Sandra Scantling: Brava--Bravissima!! Norlee: Clap, clap! JTANCH: More power to you Dearest! Dearest: I never could have done that a few years ago. I think this "empowerment" is even working for me. LOL Dr. Sandra Scantling: You made yourself vulnerable and you cashed in on the rewards, I applaud you! Dearest: (curtsying) Thank you. I didn't know how else to handle it. Dr. Sandra Scantling: Many men are turned on by things we'd never imagine. But it takes a risk and some courage to speak from our gut. If we're going to take our underwear off with someone, we can certainly be honest, true? If not, we shouldn't be sleeping with him to begin with. This guy sounds great, Dearest - good luck! Dearest: Well, I did consider a Chia pet first (g). But, in all seriousness, it only proves to me how important it is to be "friends" with someone first. Thanks, Dr. S :) Sue, go ahead with your question :) THRV Sue: I'm in a relationship of over 20 years, but recently I underwent some major surgery. I'm ready to resume, but he is afraid he is going to hurt me! We are taking it slow, but I want it to go faster. :o) Any suggestions? Dr. Sandra Scantling: Can you say what kind of major surgery and what pain you're afraid of Sue? THRV Sue: I had a total hysterectomy. He is scared of the scar I think. I'm wanting to know if everything still works. Dr. Sandra Scantling: Do you mean, can you be orgasmic? THRV Sue: Yes. Dr. Sandra Scantling: It's important that you take the lead on this one, Sue. Remember, its YOUR body, and our bodies are very smart. Pain ought not to be part of sexual closeness. We have billions of nerve endings in the lips, finger tips, and on and on. I suggest you explore each of those nerve endings with gusto! If anything is uncomfortable, don't ignore those signals. Healing does take time, but there are dozens of creative ways to have fun and enjoy the parts that don't hurt!! There are positions that don't put pressure on the incision. I'm also pleased that he's told you that he's scared - really takes courage to admit that. Don't rush - remember the song, "I want a man with a slow hand." Give yourself time to heal, and stay connected in the process. Good luck, Sue. Oh, BTW, after my hysterectomy everything worked just fine! But it took several months - be patient. THRV Sue: Thank you.....See ya'll later :o) Dearest: Glad to hear that, Dr. S. We all hope Sue will be back to her old self again. Sue is Power Surge's resident sex source :) Dr. Sandra Scantling: Absolutely. Dearest: JTanch, go ahead, please :) JTANCH: I also had a hysterectomy recently, where did my libido go - south with my butt? Hormones? Dr. Sandra Scantling: Libido is an interesting and complex phenomenon. It is a poo-poo combo platter of psychology, feelings about self, hormones, changes in relationship, etc. All impact - no quick answer. Was libido great before hysterectomy, JT? JTANCH: Sort of... Dr. Sandra Scantling: Usually we just "feel" less sexy and that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The good news is that you can have great sex even if you didn't before. You have to learn what turns you on - not as easy as it sounds. I have lots of exercises in the book to help you focus on learning more about your attraction potential, and how to develop more passion. I don't believe in throwing hormones around, but 2 mg. of testosterone (assuming you don't have a high Cholesterol level and have liver compromise) can do wonders. Talk to your MD. But I'd also wonder what's happening with your partner. Remember, he's involved here too. :) JTANCH: Just married 19 years, no kids. Thank you for your advice, and I will get your book. Thanking you in advance. Dearest: And a wonderful book it is, Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide To Intimacy (Doubleday) Dr. Sandra Scantling: Let me know how things go, JT. My address is at the back of the book. Dr. Sandra Scantling: Thank you Dearest. Dearest: Dr. S., I was so pleased to hear you include that about high cholesterol and liver issues. You can't imagine how many doctors have come to PS and forget to mention those little details. Dr. Sandra Scantling: Absolutely. Testosterone helps with libido but you have to balance the cost/benefit issue. Dearest: Thanks. Marystock, go ahead, please. MARYSTOCK: What about a husband that says you are inhibited because you don't want to do some acts such as anal sex. He says it's a major problem in our marriage. Dr. Sandra Scantling: I have a chapter in my book about stretching your security zone. But you should never stretch so much that you break. Each of us must respect our own values and our limits. Compromise is fine, but I don't recommend doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. As far as your husband is concerned, he has some options. He can fantasize about anal sex when he's in your vagina or in your mouth. He can refocus his erotic energies in other ways, but he has to learn that he doesn't get EVERYTHING he wants - that's just childish. And you have to stand up to him and say no about this. Make sure you tell him you love him, but you have to be true to yourself. And I don't condone name calling. Words like "inhibited" have no place in the bedroom. You just have different 'preferences.' Good luck Dearest: Mary might remind him that the bigger problem in their marriage may be his lack of compromise. MARYSTOCK: Thanks, Dr. Dr. Sandra Scantling: Good point, Dearest. You're welcome, Mary. Dearest: Good luck, Mary. Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful answers, Dr. Scantling. Mary, go ahead, please. PianoMary: I have been married 25 years and my husband is now mostly only interested in his own pleasure. How can I help change this? (I'm not a good talker, either) :( Dr. Sandra Scantling: Without sounding like I'm plugging this book, have him take the sexual styles quiz. You'll learn how to communicate with him in ways that you'll both find challenging and growthful. It's hard for me to believe that there are so many selfish men out there. They must realize that sexuality is about the pleasure of TWO people. Once they see how great it can be, they'll become converts. I assume he didn't become selfish overnight. PianoMary: No. Dr. Sandra Scantling: You have to look at how YOU feed into this pattern, PianoMary. Think about a spoiled child, and how mom's give them lollypops and promises of trips to MacDonalds if they stop crying in the supermarket. We unwittingly reinforce all kinds of behaviors. If he can be convinced that he'll capitalize big time by learning to be less selfish, you may be onto something. A win-win. Good-luck. PianoMary: Thanks Dearest: You mean.... all we have to do is promise a man a lollipop and he'll behave???? (g) LORACURA: Sort of. Dr. Sandra Scantling: That's one way of looking at it. Each of us is motivated by a number of things - excitement, challenge, safety, or just plain gustatory pleasure. We have to become experts at knowing ourselves and our mates. As PianoMary said, we aren't all good talkers, so I've included a range of non-verbal and written exercises to get this information from our lover. Once we have the facts, we can plan a strategy that's a winner. Dearest: Did you see the film, "Terms of Endearment" with Shirley MacLaine and Jack Nicholson? Dr. Sandra Scantling: Long ago. Dearest: There was a line she uttered to him about good boys getting their "dessert", that's always bothered me - that people think of women giving men sex as some kind of reward or prize. Dr. Sandra Scantling: I hate that - it cheapens the entire process. Dearest: I agree... Dr. Sandra Scantling: I also don't like to feed into the mother-boy thing. Most of us want men and want to be treated as women. Dearest: Thanks. JT, please go ahead. JTANCH: What about the mother-boy thing? Dr. Sandra Scantling: We often create our own difficulties by treating our partners as if we are the parent - a HUGE problem - nagging to wipe his feet, etc.. Even if this behavior is warranted, it creates havoc for the marriage and the sexual relationship. The more we act like his mommy, the more he feels he has license to behave like a child. And no one wants to make love with their "mommy" (if they do we're not discussing that here.) So find another way to get tasks done and don't nag - it's just not sexy. JTANCH: Righto. Dr. Sandra Scantling: Hire a HS student to rake the leaves for 6 dollars an hour, better in the long run. :) Dearest: Mom350 has the last question, go ahead :). Mom350: Why is it that I can get turned on before, but during I sometimes get turned off? Dr. Sandra Scantling: What I suggest, Mom, is that you pay attention to exactly WHEN you begin to turn off. That's very important. There's obviously a moment when you begin to get worried, anxious, or concerned. That's the area that needs some modification. Again, read the chapter on taking a sex history. Learn about the aspects of that moment that are distressing you. You'll be able to move on once you have this information. Mom350: You're right, I start thinking about if things will go right, the big O. Dr. Sandra Scantling: And don't forget, if you need some further help, call a certified sex therapist through AASECT - American Association of Sex Educators, therapists, and counselors, based in IOWA. I don't have # handy, sorry, but it's a 1-800 number. They'll send you a list of therapists in your area. Good-luck. Dearest: Dr. Scantling, thanks so much for joining us in Power Surge to field our questions about intimacy, sexuality and the nature of relationships. Anyone interested in obtaining a copy of Dr. Sandra Scantling's book, "Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide To Intimacy" - (Doubleday) can do so at amazon.com. Also, Dr. Scantling's video series, "Ordinary Couples, Extraordinary Sex" can be obtained through Sinclair Institute at: 1-800-955-0888. Be sure to visit Dr. Sandy's Web site. Dr. Sandra Scantling: I want to thank you, Dearest and the audience for this opportunity. You are a great audience and I've really enjoyed it. Dearest: You're most welcome, Sandy. We enjoyed you tremendously. Thanks, again. We hope you can come back often :) Dr. Sandra Scantling: Good night all. I'd love to come back. If you have any questions you'd like to ask Dr. Sandy, visit her "Ask The Intimacy Expert page. (Read Dr. Sandy Scantling's second transcript) Read Dr. Sandy Scantling's second transcript Disclaimer: Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an endorsement of a guest's views. None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest. Read other transcripts by returning to the Library. Dearest aka Alice Stamm Power Surge Founder, Facilitator, Host Copyright©1994-2008 by Power Surge. All Rights Reserved.