Dearest:    Tonight's guest, DICK ROTH, helps kick off the Power Surge series, 
Man To Man... "Women and Menopause" devoted to educating the men in the lives of 
menopausal women and how the transition affects their lives, their relationship, 
their communication. The series will continue with Dr. Bruce Bekkar.

Dick Roth, a 54 year old former Olympic gold medal winner, says he nearly 
derailed his own marriage when his wife started to suffer hot flashes. "I was 
the typical clueless husband," Roth says, whose book, "No, It's Not Hot In Here: 
A Husband's Guide To Understanding Menopause" has been very popular in helping 
to educate men about their wives or partners menopause experience.

It's a pleasure to welcome you to Power Surge, Dick.


Dick Roth:    Thanks, it's my first chat room, so be nice with my errors, ok?


Dearest:    Yes, we'll be very nice :)  Do you think some of the problems men 
have with their wives' menopause is not so much that their *wives* are changing, 
but that *they're* being forced to face their own loss of youth? 


Dick Roth:    Absolutely. We may blame it on our wives, but look a little deeper 
and there we are.  We face the same issues, but like to admit our aging even 
less some times.


Dearest:    Do you think most men are like you and buy your book because they 
really want to understand their partner's menopause, or do you think it's the 
partner who buys the book for them?


Dick Roth:    I don't think 10 men have bought the book, but I bet a lot of them 
have found it on the back of the toilet.


Dearest:    Haha! I have one more question at the moment. I wasn't 
aware until yesterday of the wonderful review you gave Power Surge in the Resources 
section of your book:  "This is a menopause support network on the Internet. This 
site rocks. Check it out. It has everything you ever wanted to know about menopause 
- with music, too. Unlike a lot of Web sites, this one feels friendly." Thanks for 
the great review. Where did you do most of your research for this book and how 
did you find Power Surge different from other sites?


Dick Roth:    I researched the book through the available literature and through 
a lot of focus groups.  Power Surge was the only site back then with any 
personality.  It's better now.


Dearest:    Oh, I'm glad you didn't say it lost its personality :)  Thanks, Dick. 
Minnie, go ahead, please :)


MinniePauz:   Do you feel most men are kind of afraid to incorporate humor in 
their relationship with a menopausal spouse? Like it's ok for "me" to laugh 
about it, but not the men?


Dick Roth:    I think you hit the right word when you said afraid.


MinniePauz:   :)


Dick Roth:    Most of us are so clueless that we don't know where to start.  If 
humor comes in, in the beginning I think it's out of nervousness.



QuietMan:   I have noticed a decrease in intimacy (all contact e.g. holding hands) 
how would you suggest I approach this?  She appears to have started entering 
menopause about 8 months ago. 


Dick Roth:    I have a pretty common answer for most menopause relationship 
problems - communicate.   We can be unaware of how to begin, if you are like me 
you might not figure out the simplest way.   Ask your wife your question. But be 
careful about your timing.


Dearest:    Once you had a greater understanding of what your wife was going 
through, how did your thinking and behavior change and did your relationship 
improve? 


Dick Roth:    Radically. When I understood how challenging her menopause was, I 
learned how to listen, how to cook, how to help around the house, how to give 
good backrubs, etc.


MinniePauz:   Other than your book and a few websites that focus on men and 
menopause, what is the best way to help men understand? What is needed at this 
point? 


Dick Roth:    I really believe that women need to be compassionate and 
understanding with their spouses too. Most men are good people when you give 
them a chance.


Dearest:    I think those Web sites focus mostly on male menopause, don't they, 
Minnie?


Dick Roth:    Open up the lines of communication. Try not to hit him too hard 
though, be gentle.


MinniePauz:   Well, I was thinking more of like yours and mine, who make an 
effort to make a space for considering the men.


Dearest:    Well, US... we're very considerate :)


QuietMan:   Is there a support group on line for husbands. Some where we can 
share and discuss with others of our ilk.


Dick Roth:    I don't know, I doubt it. Anybody else?


Dearest:    Power Surge has great support for the partners of women in menopause.
Pay special attention to the forum I created exclusively for men, 
Men, This One Is For You!


QuietMan:   Do they have a regular meeting time?


Dearest:    If you E.mail me at Dearest@aol.com, QuietMan, I'll send you some 
info.  Perhaps we can create a "meeting time" devoted to men's questions about
their partners menopause experience.


MaryO:   Dick, my husband seems to be going through his own midlife crisis - the 
spiffy sportscar and all.  Is there any way for me to help him with his crisis, at 
least tone down his expenses?  


Dick Roth:    I don't know. I had two midlife crisis cars before I got over it.


MaryO:   You two are even then!  LOL


Wildflowers:   Do you think that when men realize that it is a hormonal 
condition, its easier to understand?  That its not in our heads and it actually 
causes physical symptoms..I know my husband does now understand, and I feel he 
too is going through the aging process..with male hormones etc..I think men and 
women need to figure out its not ONE gender going thrum changes. 


Dick Roth:    I really do think so.  It certainly helped me to understand. I 
thought it was in her mind. When I understood it was physical, my thinking 
changed.  Educate him -- gently.


QuietMan:   I agree that it is two. It is a team and we need to work through it, but 
sometimes, I need to vent and would love to be with other guys. That understand, then 
I can go back and be more supportive of her.


Dearest:    Come to my "Men, This One's For You!" message board, QuietMan. 
There are men who come to Power Surge and are very anxious to vent and talk 
with other men.

Dick, you write about the medicalization of menopause. Most of us are familiar with 
that term. We're also aware that the majority of doctors who treat menopausal 
women are male. Women come to Power Surge with horror stories about humiliating 
experiences with male doctors and that if they didn't take hormone therapy, they 
would become hunched over, sexually empty, old and gray. I've sometimes wondered 
if this is a medical issue or a male issue. 


Dick Roth:    Me too. I think we really need to have room to escape the menopause 
chamber and go have a beer or watch sports and not be all sensitive and gooey. 
I blame it directly on men and our culture and indirectly on the medical 
community. It's a tragedy. I get pretty emotional here.


Dearest:    Good, feel free to get emotional. I think it's a very important 
issue. Goes along with too many hysterectomies, etc.  Maybe a need to dominate 
woman.


Dick Roth:    Really, women wouldn't suffer nearly so much if we didn't hold them 
to a youthful, model-like unattainable example. 


Dearest:    Thank you for that.  Wildflowers, go ahead.


Wildflowers:   But do you guys sometimes realize that male hormone changes are 
difficult for us to handle to..besides the sportscars?  The mood changes etc., 
the aches and pains that men too have?  And that sometimes when you're in a 
not so good mood its your hormones and not always ours?  Not just with husbands, 
but men that we work with too.


Dick Roth:    I realize it, but that's because I've looked pretty closely at 
myself. This is not an easy time for either gender. I wish more men could be 
self aware.


Wildflowers:   So do I. Thank you.


Athena:   One important deal is that some women actually feel less attractive 
during menopause and maybe fearful that their husbands going through their own 
40+ crisis will look at other women.  I wonder how many men understand the 
importance of showing their understanding of their feelings at this time.


Dick Roth:    Hopefully more and more will. But not too many do.


Athena:   OK.  Thanks for that opinion. 


Dick Roth:    The male midlife crisis is a major contributor to menopausal 
marriage problems. Should be written about, but I'm afraid the book wouldn't 
sell.  We need to do it one by one. 


Dearest:    Thanks, Dick. Gene.. go ahead, please.


Gene:   When can I turn the heat back on, she freezes me to death, lol.


Dearest:    Haha!


Dick Roth:    I'm laughing too, through my tears. Be patient. It will end. 


MinniePauz:   I think it's important to mention that some women don't WANT to 
let their husbands share what they're going through. In fact, they don't want to 
admit it to themselves, so no matter how understanding their man is, it won't 
make any difference. what kind of advice do you give men for that 
situation...where they just can't win sometimes?


Dick Roth:    I don't really know. Without willingness we won't get very far. 



Wildflowers:   I'd like to comment on your statement where men need a break. My 
husband works on cars as a hobby with guy friends and we ladies sometimes 
"watch" but we also enjoy the time alone when they're with the guys. I treasure 
that time. Some women find it as a negative when left alone. I feel BOTH 
genders need to appreciate "space".


Dick Roth:    Right on. 


Dearest:    Yes, space... about 400 miles often works for me!


Dick Roth:    Me, too.


Wildflowers:   LOL. Thank you


MaryO:   What if the husband doesn't want to deal with the wife's menopause?  
What if he thinks it's all the woman's problem and he doesn't want to hear about 
it? Any suggestions? 


Dick Roth:    I feel sorry for that woman. But she's in the majority. Therapy?
For the man of course.


MaryO:   Of course!  Thanks :) 


Dearest:    Dick, What's the most important advice you would give men whose wives 
are going through menopause?  (take a 10 year vacation)


Dick Roth:    gain some awareness, educate yourself, listen to your wife about 
her menopause - it all comes under the heading of learning. 


Dearest:    But, isn't this really advice for the entire duration of the 
relationship? I mean, these issues don't just come up because of menopause. 
These are the differences between men and women, no?  It's just that by the time 
a woman is going through menopause and he's having his midlife crisis, they're 
both stressed out.


Dick Roth:    I agree. Menopause is no different than any other part of a 
relationship, just maybe more intense. 


Dearest:    Thanks, Dick. Athena, go ahead.


Athena:   Lots of things that have been under the surface for so long seem to 
take on a new life during meno, I think women are more inclined to say what they 
feel and analyze their relationships much more. This doesn't seem to happen to 
men at any time or does it?  I rushed that sorry, I mean it's a good time to 
sort problems out actually.


Dick Roth:    I hate to speak for all men, but certainly the generalization is 
apt.


Irene:   On a lighter side my husband just starting taking Niacin for high 
cholesterol and has flushes about 2 hours after he takes it.  He has always 
been understanding and supportive of me but now he has a whole new understanding 
of a hot flash.  We laugh about it and he's real glad he was understanding 
because he'd be eating his words about now. LOL 


Dick Roth:    Good point. I got my dose of empathy when my doctor prescribed 
testosterone for me.   It helped a lot to see something at least from a parallel 
perspective.


Irene:   It sure does. 


Dearest:    Did you really believe that menopause was an illness for which your 
wife had to be medicated? 


Dick Roth:    Not really, I just thought it was an illness. I was really afraid 
of the mental illness aspect of it. 


Dearest:    Is she still going through menopause?  I mean, is she postmenopausal 
yet? 


Dick Roth:    Yes, hot flashes in spite of all of it.


Dearest:    Ever took hormone therapy?  Not you, her :)


Dick Roth:    Natural hormones made up in a formula just for her. Never regular 
HRT. 


Dearest:    Good. We endorse naturally compounded hormones in Power Surge. 



Dearest:    Dick, thanks for kicking off this series for the husbands / partners 
of women in menopause. It's so important to keep the lines of communication 
open, especially during these transitional years. I recommend everyone pick up a 
copy of Dick Roth's insightful and much-needed book, "No, It's Not Hot In Here," 
A Husband's Guide To Understanding Menopause." 


Dick Roth:    Thanks for the opportunity to chat with such an aware group of 
folks. It was refreshing. Sorry about the technical problems. Let's do it again. 


Dearest:    Absolutely! Goodnight, everyone!




If you've enjoyed Dick Roth's transcript for men on women and menopause, you'll also 
be interested in reading Dr. Bruce Bekkar's transcript



Disclaimer:  Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose
opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an 
endorsement of a guest's views.

None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without 
the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest.

Read other transcripts by returning to the Library.


Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


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