(The continuation of the series, Reclaiming Ourselves at 
Midlife, which commenced last summer. If you have come to this 
page without having read the first three transcripts of 
the series, we highly recommended you read them in order) 

Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Three
Read Part Five


Dearest:  Tonight we begin the new year with the continuation of a wonderful 
series of chats based upon our guest's latest book, "If Not Now, When? 
Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife" is STEPHANIE MARSTON. 

Stephanie is a licensed family therapist with over twenty years experience in 
women's midlife issues. She lectures and has conducted seminars for more than 
100,000 women, parents, and mental health professionals. She frequently 
delivers keynote addresses, seminars, and workshops to women's organizations 
and corporations.

Stephanie has written for several women's magazines and has appeared on TV 
programs, including Oprah. Welcome back, Stephanie. The women so enjoyed the 
first series of conversations. I'm so glad we're continuing the series :) 


Steph:  Me too, it's been great. 


Dearest:  Good :) 

Steph, so many women's identities are tied in with their spouses, their 
children, their families. They go from their childhood home into their adult 
home and may not know how to begin to establish their own identity when the 
kids are grown and gone. How do you recommend a woman begin finding that 
identity? 


Steph:  I think we can start to ask ourselves what do I crave? what have I put 
on the back burner in order to raise my kids.  What do I want now that I can 
refocus my attention on myself and my needs.  Make a wish list.  Let yourself 
dream. You don't have to do everything or anything on your list, but it will 
prime the pump. 


Dearest:  Thanks, Steph.  


Mexicoblue:  What about those of us who have done everything and now want to 
get some balance? 


Steph:  Yes, many women I talk with have similar longings.  They want to bring 
themselves back into the equation. they want to live a 3D Technicolor life.  
They want to have passion and a sense of fulfillment in their lives.

Go for it.  Whatever has been overemphasized needs to be tempered with its 
opposite.  If we've been out in the world, we probably feel the need for some 
quiet alone time and vice versa. 


Dearest:  Steph, do you feel a woman has to be ambitious prior to midlife, a go getter, 
one who's always busy -- or can women who've lived simple lives suddenly come 
into their own after, for example, menopause? 


Steph:  Absolutely. You don't have to have been a superwoman to come into your 
own now. It's more of an inside job than about what you've achieved in the 
world.  I think that as our bodies change we realize just how little control we 
actually have over our lives and there is a sense of wanting to be connected to 
something larger than ourselves.  To feel a part of the great mystery that is 
life. we start to search for deeper meaning in our lives.  Our ego takes a back 
seat as our authentic self steps into the driver seat.


Dearest:  Thanks, Steph.  


Irene:  Stephanie, I have had a very busy out in the world life and now I feel 
more comfortable coming back home as I say. I like to work from my own space 
and do not feel the need to be "out in the world". Do you find other women who 
feel this way? I feel like my place now at 58 is being the keeper of the family 
stories and a "grandmother" to many. My question has already been sort of 
answered. Sorry:) 


Steph:  Yes, we come into a sense of wisdom where we are the repository of 
memories and family history.  It's fine for us to shift our focus to whatever 
feels most appropriate for us at this time.  We have to trust our inner voice 
and honor what it tells us. 


Irene:  Thanks Steph. 


Dearest:  Is it expecting too much for a woman to reinvent herself during the 
transitional years of menopause when so many women feel as though their bodies 
and psyches are betraying them and they're generally going to hell in a 
handbasket? 


Mexicoblue:  Good question, Dearest 


Steph:  well, why not make use of this time. I think these times of transition 
are exactly when we use the turmoil to spin straw into gold.  It a time to 
question what we've been doing automatically.  We can no longer sleepwalk 
through our lives and our raging hormones are a wake-up call. 


Dearest:  Thank you, Rumpelstiltskin.. I mean, Steph :) 
MARYO, go ahead, please :) 


Steph:  As one who's been to hell and back I've become a pretty good spinner :)


MaryO:  What about those of us who have been "out of balance" and are now out 
of practice in doing the things that we want to reinvent ourselves or find our 
identity? How do we get jumpstarted again? 


Steph:  One small step at a time. I think if you took some time each day to 
simply listen to yourself and to hear what you want, what you need, what makes 
you happy, sad, your disappointments, this is all valuable info for you to 
start to make small changes to get your life back in balance. it must be done 
slowly, but with great commitment.


MaryO:  Thanks, Steph 


Mexicoblue:  Truth -- there seems to be a fine line between being truthful and 
being rude...and sometimes it's difficult to give up friends who no longer 
support you....but it seems to be necessary. Comments? 


Steph:  I think we have to reevaluate everything including friendships and 
that's tough. but we can tell the truth with love and temper it with caring 
while still having to move on in some cases. 



Theresa343:  Do you believe that a woman's brain changes during menopause as it 
does during adolescence? And if so is the memory loss and the emotional changes 
universal?  Or mostly a western culture issue? 


Steph:  I'm not a scientist so I can't say what happens to brain chemistry, but 
it's seems  possible that since it has to do with hormonal changes similar to 
what we experienced during adolescence it makes sense. I think that women in 
cultures that revere aging have an easier time with menopause.  There is 
research to back this up. 


Dearest:  Apropos of Theresa's question, is it possible that "attitude" more 
than "culture" might have an impact on how women see themselves as they get 
older? 


Steph:  Absolutely.  How we feel about ourselves and the aging process have a 
great impact on we feel about ourselves. I also think it's sooo important that 
we are good role models for the younger generations of women as to how to grow 
older without getting old.  They needs kick-ass role models and that should be 
us.


Dearest:  So, if those who think they've gotten older, they're done for -- that 
it might be a prophecy of sorts? 

Hey, watch your language, Steph :) 


Steph:  Yes, we are what we think or is it we are what we eat? In any case, I 
think aging has a lot to do with our state of mind.  Don't you know women who 
are in their 80's and seem much younger because they're still very much 
involved in life? we needs a healthy dose of passion coursing through our veins 
to remain vital. 


Dearest:  Yup, a mother who just turned 90! Best role model I could ever ask for.  
 


Irene:  I have finally realized that many of the things I did throughout my 
life because it was expected of me were not in my comfort zone and created 
anxiety for me. Now I feel comfortable making choices that co-exist with my 
needs not the expectations of others and am feeling less anxious. Is this a 
common theme for women at this juncture of life? 


Steph:  You're lucky. 


Dearest:  Sure am 


Steph:  Brava. absolutely.  When you're out of sync with yourself that can be 
anxiety provoking, in psycho speak.  It's called cognitive dissonance, it means 
your head and your heart aren't in harmony.  So good going. 


Dearest:  I've heard so many women in Power Surge say they don't feel glamorous 
any longer. The "redefining attractiveness" you discuss in your book, is it 
something women come by naturally by virtue of the fact that they can't avoid 
getting older, or are there strategies to assist them in viewing themselves 
differently? 


Steph:  I don't think it necessarily comes naturally. I think we have to think 
back on the times in our lives when we felt most attractive.  We have to stop 
asking ourselves how do I look waiting for the mirror to tell us that we're the 
fairest in the land and begin to ask how do I feel.  How we feel about 
ourselves has an impact on how we look more than how well put together we are.  
If you think of the times you felt most attractive, I will bet that it were the 
times when you felt self-confident, joyous, loving.  In case you haven't 
noticed self-confidence is very sexy.


Dearest:  Thanks, Steph. Excellent answer.  


Lindsay1996:  In examining our feelings to find out what we want from 
life...can our feelings always be trusted; mine are so often hormonally driven?


Steph:  No, our feelings change like the weather, but that still small voice 
that resides in our hearts is true.  It's our guiding light, our North Star 
that you can trust, that you must listen to. 


HSpec:  There are a lot of factors in my life right now that are not in my 
power to control. those coupled with perimeno symptoms have made me less 
patient, especially with adolescents. do you have any practical techniques to 
help me regain some of my patience and understanding of others?


Steph:  Count to five, take a deep breath, leave the room.  Go for a walk, take 
the time you need before dealing with your teen.  Remember you're both dealing 
with raging hormones which can be dangerous.  Joke with them about this. 

One more thing.  Take some time for yourself, you can enerous than you feel.

HSpec:  Thank you.



Mexicoblue:  Why is it that so many women are unwilling/unable to make a change 
in midlife? 


Steph:  It hard to make changes in our lives.  We get scared.  Many women cling 
to what they know, they want to avoid aging especially if their self-worth has 
been dependent on their appearance.  So they throw themselves more fervently 
into work, shopping, have an affair, anything to avoid the inevitable changes 
that are happening. It takes a lot of courage and strength to make changes and 
not everyone has either the internal or external support.


Mexicoblue:  Thanks, Steph 


Steph:  You're welcome, Blue 


Wildflowers:  I, like Irene, feel comfortable making choices that fit me now, 
but what could you suggest saying to people when they question your new choices 
(work)..it gets old always having to defend your choices. As most of the people 
I work closely with are menopausal and dealing with all their "stuff" in life 
too.and I'm in perimeno.  Plus they're the kind that deny any meno 
problems...all take medications. 


Steph:  I'm not sure what you're asking, but I think you can support your co-
workers where they are while you offer suggestions if and when they ask. It's 
difficult when you're not on the same wavelength.


Wildflowers:  thank you 



Aunt:  Yes, self-confidence is very attractive. But it is very hard to get it 
back when you have a daughter that is in the medical profession keeping looking 
at you and making little remarks. Like jeez Mom you have gained so much weight. 
You don't look like yourself anymore. It hurts and I just blow up. How can I 
control this anger and set her straight that I am trying to do my best? I know 
I don't look or feel like I use to. It is very frustrating. 


Steph:  Aunt, you're not supposed to.  At a time when you're not angry have a 
heart to heart with your daughter and let her know how much it hurts you when 
she makes those comments.  We are all critical enough of ourselves.  We 
certainly don't need any help for the outside world.  Let her know that if she 
has feedback for you it must be constructive and supportive or you don't want 
to hear it.  Girl, it's time to put your foot down. 



Aunt:  Thanks Steph, but she can be very strong 


Dearest:  You can be stronger! 


Steph:  Remember our kids don't like to see us change.  It reminds them of our 
mortality and that's threatening to them.  That is probably her underlying 
concern.


Aunt:  Probably. thanks 


Dearest:  And don't you give people more power by buying into their criticism? 


Steph:  Absolutely, but it just feeds our own inner critic who has too much 
power as it is. I tell women in my seminars to send their critics on an all 
expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas.  Just get her out of our heads. 


Mexicoblue:  kickem back, kickem back....waaaaay back 


Aunt:  LOL 


Steph:  You've got it. 



Irene:  Rather than feeling less in control at 58 I feel more in control. I 
feel as sense of freedom to not "have" to work so hard, to be able to take life 
at a slower pace and to have more choices. I totally agree with your position 
on when we feel confident then we also feel attractive. The only difficulty for 
me is to make my choices and stand tall with them when I'm questioned about my 
"new" approach to life? Is this the time to move away from those folks if 
necessary for self inner peace? 


Steph:  I think that we more comfortable we get with our new choices the less 
threatened we feel by others.  It's when we're not so sure, or it's still new 
that it's difficult. It's like a new plant that needs protection and support 
until it's stalk is strong enough to withstand the elements.  We have to 
surround ourselves with supportive people as we try out new ways of being, but 
remember that old Girl Scout saying, make new friends, but keep the old. corny 
tonight or what? 


Irene:  One is silver and the other gold. Thanks


Hippieheron:  You mentioned being self-confident, joyous and loving as being 
attractive. Do you have any suggests for handling situations when other 
people's attitudes hurt your feelings of self confidence, joy and love. How to 
not let their attitudes affect you? I guess this is similar to what others have 
asked but it is a weak spot with me. 


Steph:  If possible, I think you have to let that person know how their 
comments affected you.  If we have any doubt inside ourselves about our 
attractiveness or whatever it is and someone criticizes us, it simply fans the 
flames of that fire.  We have to cultivate a nurturing counter voice to our 
inner critic.

Dearest:  Steph, I love this statement you make in the book, "As we shift away 
from the stereotypes of beauty, we discover the power to define ourselves in 
our own terms." So, it is adopting a new mind-set, yes? 
(and maybe sometimes a new body-set, too!) 


Steph:  yes, we stop buying into the cultural standards of beauty.  We tell 
Madison Avenue to take a hike.  We start to ask ourselves what does it mean to 
me to be attractive, now in my life.  What makes me feel good? 


Dearest:  But beauty wields a great deal of power, no? 


Steph:  Yes, but remember we've stepped outside of the spotlight.  We're no 
longer viewed as the standard of beauty.  That's for the 20 somethings.  Our 
sense of attractiveness has more to do with the warmth we exude, the caring we 
have for other people, being comfortable in our own skin.  No it's not 
adolescent beauty, but hey, it is beauty.



Athena:  My aim is to find a new job. I feel a bit intimidated by the fact that 
I am 46 and "know" I will be margined and that employers will seek younger 
staff. I feel like I have to make myself as attractive as possible to make some 
headway and then talk. 


Dearest:  Oh, I don't necessarily agree. I think midlife women are very 
desirable in the workplace. Don't you agree, Steph? 


Steph:  Absolutely, when you need to you do it.  And there is such a thing as 
the gray ceiling.  We are attractive in terms of our experience, competency, 
reliability, but in some industries, appearance counts. 



Riverwalker:  What is the most helpful thing you could tell someone who has no 
internal or external support and feels like the sagging mare put out to 
pasture? 


Steph:  Find a green pasture and soon you'll have plenty of company.  What can 
you do to begin to build some internal support?  Perhaps begin to take time 
everyday to write in a journal, to dialogue with yourself.


Dearest:  Steph, in your discussions with single (divorced, widowed) women 
going through menopause, what have you found to be their greatest concern at 
this juncture of their lives -- and being alone? 


Steph:  Will I always be alone, how will I feel growing older alone?  What do I 
have to do to find a companion when I'm not willing to give myself away?  How 
can I make my life as rich and as fulfilling as I can?   Most women would like 
a man, but not at any price.  They also say, only grown up needs apply.  They 
don't want to take care of anyone anymore. 


Dearest:  Wonderful, thanks!  


Mexicoblue:  In your book, you state "I had thought that my need for success 
was normal--in fact, admirable. But following my mother's death, I began to 
wonder why I had pushed myself so hard, why I had continually strived for ever 
greater recognition. No matter what I accomplished, why did I need to do more." 
That described my life perfectly. At some point we have to stop living for our 
teachers, our parents, our partners and find out how we need to live for 
ourselves. "Bravo!" 


Steph:  Yes, at midlife we feel less of a need to prove ourselves or to live up 
to other people's expectations.  Our motivation shifts to something deeper.  
But don't think that shift doesn't create a wee bit of turmoil.  Hold onto you 
seat.


Dearest:  Steph, can I throw some words your way and get your instant reaction - 
sort of like free association? 


Steph:  Yes doctor, but let me lie down. 


Dearest:  Great. Let's start with ... Guilt! 


Steph:  Trying to live up to an impossible standard. Expel your guilt demons 


Dearest:  SELF-ESTEEM 


Steph:  A sense of being comfortable in ones own skin.  Feeling both lovable 
and competent.


Dearest:  PERFECTIONISM 


Steph:  A desire to word off any criticism and maintain love, usually due to 
survival need wanting to be loved and cared for, self-sacrifice. Loss of self.


Dearest:  FRIENDSHIP 


Steph:  Essential, more so as we grow older.  Requires work, devotion and 
honesty, as well as fun. 


Dearest:  ANGER 


Steph:  Needs being unmet, unexpressed desires, taboo for women, sugar and 
spice,  heavy on the sugar hold the spice.  Angry women are bitches, new 
definition, babes in total control of herself. 


Dearest:  I have to share an expression I heard recently that has had such an 
enormous impact on my life.. and I think it will on others, too.  It's about anger.... 

"Holding on to anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." 


Mexicoblue:  HAH! Great! 


Dearest:  Very powerful. 


MaryO:  sure is! 


Steph:  That's wonderful.  Anger is a messenger that should be paid attention 
to and then we need to move on. I agree.


Dearest:  Steph, thanks for doing the free association :) 


Steph:  It was fun.


HSpec:  I have two more words for Steph to respond to, obsessiveness and depression.


Steph:  A need for control, trying desperately to get a handle on something to 
figure it out. depression, in some cases is anger turned inward, in others 
clinical.


HSpec:   Thanks again 


Steph:  You're welcome. 


Dearest:  Stephanie, what an empowering and stimulating series this has been. 
The transcripts of the first part of this series can be found in the Web site's 
library at http://www.power-surge.com/library.htm -- I can't urge you enough to 
read Stephanie Marston's wonderful book, "If Not Now, When? Reclaiming 
Ourselves at Midlife." I promise, you'll be glad you did!


Steph: Thanks, Dearest. Thanks, everyone. Goodnight.
 

This is Part Four of the series.
Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Three
Read Part Five


Disclaimer:  Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose
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None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without 
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Read other transcripts by returning to the Library.


Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


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