(Part 3 of the series, Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. If you
have come to this page without having first read parts 1 & 2
of this series, it is recommended you read them in order)
Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Four
Read Part Five
Dearest: I would like to introduce our guest tonight.
Returning tonight for the final installment of the series, RECLAIMING OURSELVES
AT MIDLIFE, based upon her latest book, "If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves
at Midlife" is STEPHANIE MARSTON. Stephanie is a licensed family therapist with
over twenty years experience in women's midlife issues. She lectures and has
conducted seminars for more than 100,000 women, parents, and mental health
professionals. She frequently delivers keynote addresses, she has written for
several women's magazines and has appeared on TV programs, including Oprah.
Among her other wonderful books, Stephanie's newest will be the subject of our
discussion tonight, "If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves At Midlife..."
Welcome back, Stephanie. These last two chats have been eye-opening, caring and
empowering dialogues. So, here we are -- empowered women, learning better coping
mechanisms, accepting the natural changes of life. Suddenly, we were all thrust
into the anxiety of an unanticipated attack on our country, on our freedom.
How do we begin to cope with the fear and anxiety associated with this feeling
of vulnerability to the viciousness and violence of t
Stephanie Marston: First I think it's important to allow ourselves to feel our
feelings, which will range from sadness, to anger to fear etc. We need to make
all of them acceptable. I think we have to be that much more gentle with
ourselves during this time and to reach out to those we love.
As you said Dearest, there is a sense of fear, anxiety and vulnerability. We
also have to feel like in some ways, no matter how small we can do something,
lighting a candle, saying a prayer, volunteering. Something.
Dearest: Thanks, Steph. I feel so "unsettled" for days now. I wonder if we ask
everyone to describe what she's feeling in ONE word, what it would be. Ladies?
Scarlett: overwhelmed
Eileen: traumatized
Joycek: SICK
Dearest: Unsettled
harper: numb
She: scared
NancyV: quiet
Robin: unsettled
Stephanie Marston: sad
PepsiLady: quiet
Barb: oppressed
HippieHeron: quiet
Cinda: violated
Dearest: Thanks, everyone. Common array of feelings, Steph?
Stephanie Marston: Absolutely, normal and in fact healthy. We have just been
attacked on such a massive level, plus any losses we've experienced in the past
get restimulated by this tragedy. All the more reason to surround ourselves
with supportive people and be that much more attentive to ourselves and those we
love. We need to reassure ourselves and our families that we will prevail and
that fundamentally we're safe.
Dearest: Thank you, Steph :) Cricket, go ahead.
Cricket: I just spent the last 2 days wondering if my best friend was dead or
alive or injured. I found out today that she is OK. I still feel drained. How
do I get over this depression and anxiety?
Stephanie Marston: I think it will take time. We have to allow ourselves to
grieve as well as maintain a routine and remain active. But your feelings are
understandable given this situation.
Dearest: (the whole chat won't focus on the terrorist attack - we're just
venting a few feelings)
Harper, go ahead.
Stephanie Marston: It's okay.
Harper: I find that when I am in deep grief, it is most difficult time to get
the support I need from my husband. Do you have suggestions of how to ask for
connection from the men in our lives?
Stephanie Marston: I think that men have a difficult time in this realm. We
can't expect most men to be like our women friends, but we can share our
feelings and ask for the kind of support we need knowing that they cope with
things differently. I think we have to be realistic of what we can expect and
continue to express our needs.
Dearest: Stephanie, in your book, you talk about a woman at midlife suddenly
being shaken to the core of her being ... thrust into a period of heightened
vulnerability -- a midlife crisis - a turning point implying that a crisis is a
time of letting go of old ways of being, a time when we can ask ourselves what
we need to leave behind and what we can reclaim. You refer to it as the call of
the authentic self. What with so many changes women go through over the course
of their lifetimes, how do they begin to reclaim their authentic self if they've
lost track (or perhaps never even knew) what/who their authentic self is?
Stephanie Marston: we have to start to ask ourselves the hard questions like
what have I sacrificed, what dreams have I left along the way, what do I love,
who am I really, what do I care about, how do I want to spend my time and
energy. the answers to these questions can then act as a map to chart the
course for this next stage of our journey.
She: It seems to me that people with strong faith, hold up better at times
like this and I would like to know how to acquire something this great.
Stephanie Marston: I think this is a time when we begin to look for something
deeper more enduring in our lives than the outer world. I think it's time to
search for a spiritual path, whatever that may be. Ask yourself what is it I
need to be connected with something larger than myself, how can I make my
spirituality an everyday practice. how can I make the ordinary sacred?
Eileen: In three weeks I am getting on a plane. I find it uncomfortable to
fly in the best of circumstances. What would you suggest I tell myself to be
able to do this?
Stephanie Marston: It seems that it's going to be safer given the heightened
security. Ask yourself what you need to feel more secure and then reassure
yourself of how rarely this kind of thing happens. Truthfully, most of the time
we're safer flying than driving our cars.
Eileen: Thanks Steph
Stephanie Marston: You're welcome.
Seraphine: I am not happy at getting older. Am I supposed to be happy and how
should I deal with the depression?
Stephanie Marston: What's missing in your life? It's up to you to find your
own fulfillment at this point in life. What's missing and what do you need to
bring a passion and vitality back into your life? Depression, if not clinical
is an indication of dissatisfaction and sitting on yourself and your energy.
Start to ask yourself what you need and want.
Seraphine: What is missing is that I am not feeling well with menopause. The
only passion I have is to feel better.
Stephanie Marston: What do you need to do to make menopause more tolerable.
Find out everything you can about it and what you can do and begin to experiment
until you discover what's going to work for you. and don't stop until you do.
Seraphine: Thank you for your advice and I am planning on using this site to
find out more.
Stephanie Marston: Good idea.
Dearest: Thanks, Steph and you've picked the right place, Seraph :) She, go
ahead, please.
(remember, everyone, at the end of the chat we are giving away a FREE COPY of
Stephanie Marston's wonderful book)
She: I think I'd be ok if I didn't have to die someday, I don't want to leave
the fun here on earth and I'm not sure about eternal life going on with all of
the people I love. I wish I could be sure.
Dearest: But look at what you've said -- "the fun here on earth" ... at least
you're having fun! :)
Jeanne: I have my mom just operated on today , my fatherinlaw next month for
possible bladder cancer, they both are kind of vague in their thinking how do I
get through to them that they need to make a will without upsetting them? I'm at
a loss.
Stephanie Marston: That's a delicate one, but they must be aware of their
conditions and they will want to leave everything in order for their family and
so I think you can say that. Let her know that you understand how difficult
this is, but that you know that she wants to have her affairs in order and now
is the time.
Jeanne: Yes, I'm going to try but he is one stubborn man. I will try that
though.
HippieHeron: I imagine that we need to be gentle with ourselves during meno
and during the reclaiming ourselves process, but how do we handle the hurts in
relationships when others are not gentle with us?
Stephanie Marston: It's important as much as possible to surround ourselves
with supportive people and when possible to make that need clear to those who
are close to us. In fact, we must insist upon it.
Aunt: It is hard to be gentle with ourselves when no one else is. The hurts
that have been caused because of my current situation is more than I can bear.
I lost a very close friend. How do I regain that same friendship?
Stephanie Marston: You will never replace that friend nor would you want to.
It takes time to cultivate trust and to build intimacy. We have to outweigh
whether our friendship is worth putting up with the person's shortcomings and if
it is then we have to accept them for who they are warts and all as they do us.
But there are times when we chose to move on and that painful, but sometimes
necessary. But there has to be a fit with where we are in our lives.
Aunt: I know that she is going through menopause herself, but she doesn't want
to admit that. She went through with her divorce and she keeps saying is I look
good. I look good. Is she trying to convince me or herself? Am I being selfish?
Stephanie Marston: You have to decide if you're prepared to offer that now and
if there's enough in it for you. No that's self-caring.
Fejdoc: First of all I offer my condolence to all of you for the tragic incidence
in your country may God rest the souls in peace and give strength to families to
bear this loss.
Dearest: Thank you, Fejdoc. We have spoken before and I know you are in Pakistan.
Your words are very much appreciated. What is your question for Steph?
Fejdoc: I've seen people depressed. How to help because they can't change their
circumstances which cause their depression?
Stephanie Marston: That's a tough one. Where do you find comfort, with
family, friends, your faith. You have to find solace and comfort and it's
difficult when you feel and are in fact helpless to change your situation.
Perhaps make whatever small changes are possible, if they are and find someway
to obtain comfort.
Stephanie Marston: Sorry I can't offer more.
Fejdoc: Yes, thanks, actually I'm a Medical doctor myself and get such type of
patients very often and I feel helpless. Thanks, Steph.
Stephanie Marston: But you do such valuable work, isn't there a sense of
satisfaction that? you're making a contribution daily. You are doing something
incredibly important.
Dearest: Fejdoc, what kind of circumstances do you refer to that you can't
change? If you feel free to talk about them, that is.
Fejdoc: Home circumstances, husband's intolerable or not working, not earning
enough. Mother-in laws, etc. Overwork in household and with many children.
Dearest: You do have a lot on your plate, Fejdoc, along with the
responsibility that goes with being a doctor. Things are also difficult in Pakistan, I would imagine.
Stephanie Marston: In part it's difficult for me to answer since I know so
little about it...
Dearest: Fej, feel free to E.mail me if you need to talk more.
fejdoc: Alright I'll mail you. I didnt mail because of the last weeks situation
Dearest: It has been a strange night to go along with a horrible week.
Technical problems. We've just lost our guest. I'll try to answer a last question or two,
despite the fact that I'm not a therapist.
Dearest: What is your question, HSpec? Maybe I can answer until Steph
returns.
HSpec: How do I help my 20 year old cope with what is going on in the world
right now. He is so frustrated and feels angry and helpless. At times he acts
very grown up and at other times the little boy in him comes out. He is at
school in Philly.
r: Make lot's of room for him to talk and express his feelings. suggest that he do
something active and physical to help him ts aggressna to find a constructive outlet
for his aggression.
HSpec: I was next in the queue so I came on with my question. Dearest
absolutely, as a mom you must have some thoughts.
Dearest: Good suggestion, r. HSpec, first of all, 20 is still not very grown up.
HSpec: got that right
Dearest: What I would suggest and what I have seen from my own experience
is to TRY and help him avoid watching too much TV. This constant repetition and these
images play over in our children's minds even when they're not watching it. It has to
be terrifying to them with their whole future ahead of them.
HSpec: He also feels very disconnected from home
Dearest: I can imagine, and, HSpec, watever you do, try to comfort him in
every way you know how. It's confusing for adults. We can only imagine how frightening it is
for younger people.
HSpec: Thanks for the support. You have confirmed for me what I am trying to do. I think he
might try to get home this weekend since Amtrak is running.
Dearest: HSpec, it is probably wise for him to be as close to home as possible
now. I think it's important for all of us to be close to our roots.
HSpec: Dearest, you are the best.
Dearest: Thank you, HS :) I am just as afraid as everyone else. Believe me.
This is so frightening.
HSpec: I did volunteer work with 2nd graders today. now that's an age group
that will lift your spirits and give you hope
Dearest: That's wonderful. HSpec. We need all the volunteer help we can get
after this horrific tragedy.
Dearest: Let's do the book giveaway now. Those of you who already have a copy may not want to participate.
However, everyone is eligible. Here goes. The first person to type out the *exact*
FULL title of Stephanie Marston's book will receive a free copy!
Start typing!
nosweat: if not now, when?
Callie: Not fair! I just entered the chat room!
Aunt: oh no
She: if not now when
Callie: If NOt Now, When?
nosweat: If not now, when? Reclaiming ourselves at midlife
Dearest: NOSWEAT HAS IT!
Cinda: yea!!!!
Dearest: CONGRATULATIONS, NOSWEAT, THE BOOK IS YOURS!
jeanne: congrats nosweat
KathAZ: Yea Nosweat
nosweat: yeah!!!!!!
Nosweat, be sure to email me at Dearest@aol.com with your name and address,
okay?
HSpec: bravo
jeanne: lol
Eileen: bravo
Stephanie Marston: bravo
jeanne: encore
nosweat: will do. thanks deeply :-)
Dearest: And it's a wonderful book!!!!!!!
Callie: Nice job?
jeanne: heehee
Dearest: You're very welcome. I did say the full title!
Barbara: and the 2nd price goes to.
jeanne: nah
hippieheron: Yea, Nosweat! Hurray for you!
Dearest: Well, unfortunately, technology has prevailed and our
guest isn't able to return. Let me thank our guest as though she were still here.
she were still here.
Stephanie, what an empowering and stimulating series this has been. The
transcripts of our first two chats of this series are in the Web site's library
at http://www.power-surge.com/library.htm. I can't urge you enough to read
Stephanie Marston's wonderful book, "If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at
Midlife."
This is Part Three of the series.
Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Four
Read Part Five
Disclaimer: Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose
opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an
endorsement of a guest's views.
None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without
the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest.
Read other transcripts by returning to the Library.
Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host
Copyright©1994-2008 by Power Surge. All Rights Reserved.
