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Elizabeth Hilts
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Power Surge™ Live!
Host: Dearest
Guest: Elizabeth Hilts
Dearest: In her book, "Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch",
my guest in Power Surge, ELIZABETH HILTS,
encourages women to speak out, declare what's
on their minds, and bid goodbye to
what she terms, "Toxic Niceness." The book
is a wealth of information, provided with wisdom
and wonderful humor :)
Dearest: Elizabeth Hilts is also an editor and regular
contributor to "Hysteria" and "Cook's"
magazines. Her work appears in alternative
newspapers throughout the country.
So, here we are ... hopefully, a gathering
of potential "bitches," to find out exactly
how to bring out and laugh with Elizabeth Hilts
and what she believes is an inherent, but too often
sequestered away - inner bitch in us all!
Welcome to Power Surge, Elizabeth. Tell
us, please... how does one recognize one
who's mastered the art of errrrrr... inner
bitchery? :)
Note - This is intended to be a light-hearted, humorous chat, so please
take it in the vein in which it was intended. You're likely to see many
"LOL's" onscreen. LOL = laughing out loud
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, it's actually pretty easy. She's a
woman who speaks her mind. But she's not a
woman who is abusive to anyone.
In fact, she's a woman who laughs
quite a bit. For instance, tonight you can all
assume
Dearest: Joan, go ahead, please.
Joan5000: Twelve steppers also have this motto
but why does society frown on this type of
woman?
Elizabeth Hilts: 12 steppers have which motto?
Joan5000: Being true to yourself, honesty at
expense of being a "people pleaser"
Dearest: Is there a 12-step program for bitches,
Joan?
Joan5000: more or less, Alice. (ha ha)
THRV Cinda: LOL
Dearest: (Cinda, we'd better sign up?)
Elizabeth Hilts: Ah. Okay. I'd have to say that society
frowns on women who speak up since they
are something of a threat. More so than a
man who does.
It's because we've been taught to
behave nicely virtually from day one.
THRV Cinda: (You mean I have to stop being one)
Dearest: (never)
THRV Erica: lol you two
Dearest: :)
Elizabeth Hilts: So when we break out of Toxic Niceness,
it's really outside the pale.
Dearest: JESU, go ahead.
JESU8: I don't want to go through life - not
being nice - what if we ALL were "that way" ???
I think I feel better when I'm nice.
Elizabeth Hilts: Let me be perfectly clear here--I'm
not saying that one has to be mean or nasty
or abusive. In fact, if we're in touch, then the
chances that we'll fly off the handle are lessened
--because we're speaking up for ourselves
before we hit critical mass.
Elizabeth Hilts: Being in touch with the Inner Bitch
doesn't mean that we're "that way"--if by
"that way " you mean being like those soap
opera women.
Dearest: Elizabeth, is "critical mass" anything
like "critical menopause?"
Elizabeth Hilts: LOL
Elizabeth Hilts: Critical mass is when we suddenly blow
up about some little thing because we've been
stuffing down a bunch of little (and big) things.
Dearest: Ohhhh. *that*... :)
Elizabeth Hilts: LOL again!
Dearest: Rivka, it's your turn :)
Dearest: Can someone nudge Rivka? I think she's
being bitchy :(
Rivkanoma: Well I approached menopause with a
line from Rick Nelson's song Garden Party. You
see you can't please everyone so you've got to
please yourself
Elizabeth Hilts: It's like Yoko Ono said, "everyone's
going to remember what you forgot to do." And
I think it's vital for us to remember that in the end,
if we aren't good for ourselves we can't be good
for anyone else.
Rivkanoma: I started working on not needing all
the world to love me at 40 and now at 48 I am
growing comfortable with being a bitch.
Dearest: VB, go ahead.
VBrando101: Please give me some tips on being a
bitch I need them!!!! Especially where my
teens are concerned Help!!!
Elizabeth Hilts: Oh god, teens! The best way to access
the IB is to use the simple phrase:
"I don't think so." It's great with teens.
I can say that with some authority, because today
is my daughter's 25th birthday. So I survived her
teen-ness. And "I don't think so" works because
they can't really argue with you when you say it.
VBrando101: Ill try that thanks Eliz
Dearest: (you don't know my children)
Dearest: Dawn, go ahead.
DawnDidIt: I have released my "inner bitch" and
we seem to be the only ones happy about it;
HELP!!
Elizabeth Hilts: LOL
Elizabeth Hilts: Can you give me some more to go
on, here?
Dearest: You have multiple personalities, Dawn? :)
DawnDidIt: ha ha ha ...No, I used to be
"quiet/shy" ...hit 40 and won't take anything
anymore. Husband ...friends...etc. liked me
better "before".
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, whenever we change there is a
sort of learning curve for those around us. But
ultimately, our loved ones come to prefer our
speaking our minds honestly. Or we get new
loved ones--which is a good thing, at least it
has been for me. :)
DawnDidIt: Oh no...not this group. Thanks!
Dearest: Gee, I trade in loved ones as regularly
as I trade in my cars.
Elizabeth Hilts: Do you get a good deal, Dear?
Dearest: Depends upon the salesman, Elizabeth :)
Dearest: Kaaitjie, go ahead.
Kaaitjie: I think that since I've got older I've
got more in touch with my inner bitch - more
assertive yet more mellow in some ways - can
we hear more from our author?
Elizabeth Hilts: I've definitely gotten more assertive
and more mellow. I think it's because I know
what I'm able to withstand. Things don't throw
me the way they used to. And by being more
assertive, I've been able to handle things
differently --more effectively
Dearest: FB, go ahead :)
FBriggs113: I'm afraid that if I start "coming out"
I'll never stop & turn into an uncontrollable bitch.
I know that sometimes being bitchy is being
more honest - so I want to but...how does one
learn to discriminate? about when to be bitchy?
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, let's look at how we define bitch.
Once again, I think that the Inner Bitch is like
a little black dress - we can wear it all the
time, dress it up, dress it down. So by being
honest about how we feel and what we think,
it's a way to protect ourselves and make our
relationships a lot more pleasant.
Elizabeth Hilts: I realize that sounds like a contradiction
in terms, but I've found that it really works that
way--the people in my life appreciate being
able to trust me to tell them actually where I
stand on things. No guessing about what I'm
thinking/feeling. And I don't get to that critical
mass point anymore.
Dearest: WrtnGypsy, go ahead.
WrtnGypsy: What I have learned is to quit thinking
that everyone needs to understand my decisions.
When I quit trying to explain so much, my
communication got clearer. And I got rather cut
& dry sometimes, but had less misunderstanding.
Hi, Elizabeth
Elizabeth Hilts: WrtnGypsy! Hello, my friend! Yeah,
there's nothing like not having to say things like
"I didn't mean that, I meant this." Being clear
just makes it so much cleaner.
Dearest: Erica, go ahead ;)
THRV Erica: Elizabeth, I've just got to say that I
think a lot of what you're saying is true
RhondaMar: I'd like to get involved in this
conversation, but I'm also dealing with a sick child.
Dearest: Sorry to hear that, Rhonda. Hope
your child is well soon.
RhondaMar: Not to sound uncaring...but this is
so typical of my never having a moment for myself.
Elizabeth Hilts: Rhonda. Thanks for coming.
Dearest: How well we know the feeling, Rhonda :(
RhondaMar: Having just turned 48, I've decided
it's time to start a life for myself.
Dearest: That's wonderful, Rhonda.. and a good
decision it is. Dearest: A
Dearest: Umm.. GA
Dearest: (GA=getting antsy)
THRV Erica: lol Dearest
Dearest: Marylew, go ahead.
Marylew39: Years of therapy have gotten me to
the point I can now be more assertive. Did
getting your Higher education? Graduated 3
years ago with master in Soc work. Helped
with assertiveness.
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, I like to say I have a masters from
Real Life U, but I haven't completed so much as
a B.A. in an accredited school.
THRV Erica: lol Elizabeth :)
Elizabeth Hilts: But I think that anything that helps us feel
powerful is a good thing.
Marylew39: I'm 58 years old and recommend
education to all for confidence. Your doing a great
job on this chat. Thank you
Elizabeth Hilts: My experiences in life have sort of
forced me to become assertive. thanks, Marylew.
Oh, I have to add that I was never what
would be called a shrinking violet, however.
Dearest: Thanks, Elizabeth and Marylew...
Marsea, go ahead, please :)
MarSea249: Would you kindly discuss "Toxic
Niceness". Think I'm a candidate for it :)
Elizabeth Hilts: Toxic Niceness is what happens when
we take all those lessons about what a woman
is supposed to be--NICE--and turn it into a
self-destructive thing in our lives.
MarSea249: Self destructive??
Dearest: Elizabeth, I can't relate to some of this...
are all women allegedly predisposed to this
mindset?
Elizabeth Hilts: We've all heard "Sugar and Spice and
Everything Nice that's what little girls are made of.
MarSea249: I don't understand the
self-destructive part.
Elizabeth Hilts: Yeah, self-destructive. We fear being
called a bitch so we act in ways that aren't in
keeping with what we really think.
Dearest: I think it's called self-sabotage, MarSea.
MarSea249: Thank you
Elizabeth Hilts: A lot of women undermine themselves
by working really hard to be considered nice.
And though women aren't predisposed to this
naturally, I think we're sort of acculturated into it.
For a lot a reasons, and in a lot of ways.
MarSea249: But being "nice" is a good thing
Dearest: Rook, go ahead.
Rook4U: Is "inner bitch" typified by the "Dawanda"
character in movie, Fried Green Tomatoes?
Elizabeth Hilts: Yep.
Dearest: GraceMama, go ahead.
Grace Mama: My friend has become a horrible
BITCH, but she's not honest...just ANGRY.
How can I salvage..our friendship? OUTBITCH
her???
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, I've found that saying to a friend
that I'm uncomfortable with her anger helps.
I've had a lot of situations when just pointing
out that there's been some anger directed at me
that doesn't seem to have anything to do with me
stopped that dynamic.
Grace Mama: thank you
Dearest: Interesting... Patcake, go ahead.
Patcake5: Strong women have been (and still are)
labeled bitchy, however, I found working with
men make it hard not to be nice without being
run over.
Elizabeth Hilts: I'm not sure I understand your
question/comment.
Patcake5: I do not wish to be a mega Bitch ,
however it is hard dealing with men
Dearest: You mean it's hard being nice with men
in the workplace?
Dearest: Nice to men, I should say.
Dearest: (nice to be nice with men, too)
Patcake5: Yes, when you act nice , they think
you are a push over.
Elizabeth Hilts: Mega Bitch. I like that! Well, dealing
with people is hard. We're such complex
creatures....okay, I get it now. I find that when
I'm pleasant but clear about what I will and
will not do, then no one thinks I'm a pushover.
Dearest: So, you mean being nice but firm,
Elizabeth?
Dearest: If you really want to get men to listen at
work, try tweezing your chin hairs!
Elizabeth Hilts: LOL!
Patcake5: LOL
Dearest: (that'll get their attention)
Elizabeth Hilts: One of the ways that the IB works
is by using humor to get our point across. In
that way, we can say some difficult things
without being mean.
Yes, be nice but firm.
Dearest: MrsGrupp, go ahead.
MrsGrupp96: In view of the previous discussion, I
have more of a comment than a question....I was
a "Mega Bitch" I found that I was trying to attend
to everyone's needs but my own I realized I was
not Super Mom and had to put things in order. I
was trying to make everyone's problems mine. I
was becoming unable to function on any level.
When I stopped taking on everyone's problems,
and gave them back to them, I was free to be me,
and the "Mega Bitch" disappeared.
Dearest: hmmm....
Elizabeth Hilts: Great point, MrsGrupp96. That inability
to function is Toxic Niceness at it's worst.
Dearest: Zzzzzz... Oh, Drmwever, go ahead.
Dearest: Please, go ahead.. but try to make it
brief. Thank you.
Dearest: Menopausal women have short attention
spans :)
THRV Erica: lol Dearest
Drmwever1: Mine is a comment too. Eliz said some
of it when she said be nice but firm, but I do have
a comment about being a Bitch. I too am
sometimes a Bitch: a Bold Intelligent Tenacious Cunning Hellion
THRV Erica: Drm, I love it!!!!
Dearest: Good for you, Drm :)
Drmwever1: I am proud of it
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, as we say at my house--
you go, girl!
THRV Cinda: :D
THRV Cinda: (My ex- thought that was my name)
Dearest: (isn't it?)
Dearest: (you've heard of Cinderella...
you're Cinderbitch)
MarSea249: lol
THRV Cinda: giggle
Dearest: LOL
THRV Erica: lol Dear and Cinda
Dearest: Where are we?
DDJJJJJ: lol
Joan5000: Dearest, loved your "tweezing your
chin hairs, " ain't it the truth? (at home and abroad?)
Dearest: Right on, Joan :)
Dearest: Moss, you have the floor :)
LMossholde: Since I've let my 'inner bitch' out, I
have gained respect and peace.
Dearest: :)
Elizabeth Hilts: Me, too! And royalties!
Dearest: Moss, was that before or after you
joined Power Surge?
Dearest: LOL, Elizabeth
LMossholde: Before, although Power Surge helps.
Dearest: OH, goodie :)
Kaaitjie: this is a bitchy night ain't it
Dearest: It sure is, Kaaitjie :)
Elizabeth Hilts: Actually, since I've gotten in touch, my
life has improved 100 fold. Great man in my life,
great kid, wonderful granddaughter. Sorry, just
getting excited.
LMossholde: For Dearest, have you ever suffered from Toxic Niceness?
Dearest: ME?
Dearest: Moi?
LMossholde: Yes you.
Dearest: No
Elizabeth Hilts: C'mon. Give it up.
Dearest: I don't think so. I've been polite, but
never untrue to myself. I dunno... I think
honesty works best. Just being "real"
SGETT: That's how you get all of your new clients.
Dearest: Marcey, your turn :)
MarSea249: Eliz, please tell us how did you get
"in touch"?
Elizabeth Hilts: I got in touch after being stood up
by this really cute guy. Twice. And I realized
that I had given him permission to do that to
me by behaving like a "Nice Girl"--that is, by
saying it was okay the first time. Obviously, a
change had to be made. So I got in touch.
Dearest: Gee, I'd never tell a man it was okay
to stand me up.
Dearest: Guess I'm not that nice.
THRV Erica: lol me neither Dearest
MarSea249: But you're still polite :)
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, there's nice and then there's "Nice."
Rook4U: How long did it take you to "get in
touch? Elizabeth?
Elizabeth Hilts: Not all that long, surprisingly. The
seeds were there, I just needed to plant them
in every area of my life.
Dearest: I have a very bitchy garden.
Elizabeth Hilts: LOL
MarSea249: lol
Dearest: I think this leg thing has gone to my head :)
Kasan52: Why is it men are in touch with their
inner bitch so much sooner and easier that we?
Elizabeth Hilts: I think it's because men are given more
praise for being forceful. And there's that saying,
"boys will be boys" which is never applied to girls.
Kasan52: Hubby doesn't like me as much now--
I blame it on menopause.
Dearest: He'll like you again, Kasan... wait
til your hormones level out. He won't be able
to keep up ...umm.. with you.
LMossholde: Isn't it harder for some women to get
in touch. Especially if they are insecure?
Elizabeth Hilts: Yes, it's much harder for some women
to get in touch. But it's possible for all.
Kaaitjie: How long did it take you to gather all
your info/research for this book, was it all
personal experience or did you do interviews?
Tell about the writing etc..
Elizabeth Hilts: Well, the book is a humor/self-help
book. And it's mostly my own experience.
However, I did about 300 interviews on radio
shows where people called in with questions,
which helped me give form to some of my
thoughts in a way I wouldn't have otherwise.
Dearest: Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch, by Elizabeth Hilts.
Dearest: Elizabeth, thanks for helping us laugh and
teaching us about how to get in touch with
our inner bitch. We all hope you'll return to
Power Surge very soon :)
Dearest: I strongly recommend this book for good
laughter and learnin'. You can buy Elizabeth Hilt's book,
GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER BITCH
directly from the
publisher, Hysteria Publications, by calling
1-800-784-5244 or, on the Internet at
www.amazon.com. You can also E-Mail
Elizabeth Hilts directly at: Elizabeth Hilts here on
America Online.
Dearest: Let's thank Elizabeth for a wonderful
evening tonight...{{{{{{{{ELIZABETH }}}}}}}}.
Elizabeth Hilts: Thanks. This was great fun.
Dearest: Thanks so much for such an enjoyable
evening!!!!
THRV Erica: ::::wild applause:::
Kasan52: Thank U
SGETT: {S applause
MarSea249: {S applause
Kaaitjie: hip hip hooray
BEH519: I am bitchy and enjoy it............ :)
THRV Erica: ::::bowing:::: we are not worthy!!!
Norlee: {S applause{S applause
TISHWEAVER: :::::clapping loudly:::::::
LMossholde: Wonderful....
Dearest: Thanks so much, Elizabeth.. great
answers... :)
THRV Cinda: Thanks Elizabeth.
LORACURA: yea
MarSea249: {S applause
LORACURA: thanks....
MarSea249: Thank you very much
Dearest: {S applause
LORACURA: so.....how many scorpios DID she
interview for the book???
THRV Cinda: LOL Lora
LMossholde: I just being an 'inner bitch'.
LMossholde: Humor sure helps, I find that when
I can make fun of my hot flashes at work.
Elizabeth Hilts: I'm blushing. Now I get to go eat birthday cake--
chocolate. Thank you all very much.
Dearest: Enjoy your daughter's birthday, Elizabeth...
Elizabeth Hilts: Thanks, I'll pass your birthday wishes
along.
Elizabeth Hilts: And thanks. This was great fun.
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Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host
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