Dearest:   Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli is a clinical psychologist and professor at Harvard 
Medical School. In his new book, "The Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide to Creating 
Intimacy, Self-Understanding, and Lasting Love in Your Life".

Dr. Ciaramicoli argues that "empathy," more than any other human facility, is the 
key to loving relationships and the antidote to the loneliness, fear, anxiety and 
despair that afflict so many of us, especially during the transitional years of 
menopause. The book explains why empathy, the ability to accurately understand and 
respond to another person's thoughts and feelings, is absolutely essential to 
living life fully and wholeheartedly.

It's a pleasure to have you visit with us in Power Surge, Dr. Ciaramicoli.  Can we 
begin by explaining the difference between sympathy and empathy?  


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Empathy is different than sympathy or compassion. Empathy 
always leads to action, it is objective, present oriented, focused on the unique not 
the general. Empathy is focused on the truth, always objective so it takes time to 
establish.


Dearest:   You say in your book that you define empathy as "the capacity to understand 
and respond to the unique experiences of another."  Is everyone capable of being 
empathetic? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   We are all born with this  capacity, but is like a muscle, 
if it is used it develops, if not it atrophies. We mirror what we see in life, empathy 
expands or contracts in response to our early encounters. 


Dearest:   Can you give us an example of empathy?  Case in point, a man sees his 
wife suffering during menopause. How can he show her empathy? By understanding and 
what type of action? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   This is where it is necessary to employ empathic listening.


Dearest:   What is empathetic listening?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   We describe empathic listening as the ability to be other
focused.  It requires entering the world of the other, seeing into the heart of another 
is not based on sympathy.  It requires slowing down our own internal voice to hear 
the differences in another's experience. 


Dearest:   Ok, let me give you this example then. I read a message from a woman in 
despair and I feel empathy for her because I understand what menopause is like, but
isn't it true that one has to "experience" something to feel "empathy?" 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   No, empathy means we have the capacity to enter into 
another shoes, not necessarily having worn them.  We know for instance, how differently 
women can experience menopause, there are similarities but also unique differences. If 
we could only understand what we have felt ourselves we would be very limited in our
perspectives. 


Dearest:   Is there a way to, perhaps, address someone from whom you wish to elicit 
empathy?  I mean, are there some methods we can use to help someone learn to be 
empathetic? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   We list 7 steps for expressing empathy in the book.  Empathy
is an active process, it must be put into action. It is more important to be empathic 
than to have empathy.  Asking open ended questions, and slowing down your manner of 
responding are the first two steps.  We can help enlist empathy from others by being 
open to the other, people sense when they are being uniquely responded to. It is so 
different when a person listens with half an ear and categorizes the other, this is 
sensed quickly. 


Dearest:   Thank you, Dr. C. Mary, go ahead.


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   You're welcome


MaryO:   This question is similar to Dearest's... I've had a very serious illness and 
people were not empathetic at all.  Is there anything I could have done to help them 
help me?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Empathy means reading people and situations accurately.  I 
don't know how you did respond, but putting your perceptions into words is so important.


MaryO:   I cried and screamed a lot, I think :)


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Letting others know what has hurt you in there response, but 
doing so with an open heart. Once we react intensely we release stress  hormones.  
Cortisol blocks our visions, moves us from the thinking part of the brain to the 
emotional side.


Dearest:   Is that always good -- to express ourselves emotionally? Couldn't that be a 
turn-off to eliciting empathy? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Empathy is located in the thinking part of the  brain, allows 
us to see all the variables involved.  Not if were expressing reasonably, people are 
more likely to listen if were expressing without judging, accusing but with a true effort 
to understand.  Basically were talking about expressing with balance, thought and emotion 
combined in a meaningful interchange. 


Dearest:   Thank you, Dr. C.  Nancy, go ahead, please.


NancyV:   Does this require acceptance of the situation as we see it, without reacting?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   No, empathy does not mean we automatically  accept. It allows 
us to set realistic limits by seeing the truth. It protects us, is really a guardian.  
By expanding our view, moving to a wide lens rather than narrow vision. From this 
perspective we can make decisions of who we want to be close to and who to stay away 
from.  Empathy is essentially every day mind reading, so important for intimacy. 


Dearest:   Am I correct in assuming that empathy might be similar to unconditional 
love? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli: No not really, emapthy means we see into the minds and hearts of 
others. It does not mean unconditional, in fact it guides us too see clearly the conditions 
we can accept. Empathy provides a boundary between us so we clearly see differences and 
similarities. Unconditional love means I accept you at all costs.


Dearest: And what about conditions we're find difficult to accept or don't agree with? 
Do we have the ability to be empathetic about those, too? I mean, we can see into the 
minds and hearts of others, but not agree with them.


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Empathy focuses on acceptance provided the relationship allows 
for growth and separation.  Empathy is the capacity to understand and respond to the unique 
individual.  It does not mean we have to love that uniqueness, simply that we know the real 
person.  Empathy allows to fall in love with the essence of a person not what I call image 
love.  Empathy is the greatest capacity for protection because it provides the truth of the 
other. 

Yes, we see clearly and empathy guides us to what we accept and cannot accept.


Dearest:   I think I'm having a problem with the concept, but let's go to Grace's question 
now.


GRACE:   I am not sure if I understand. The best way to show empathy is to just listen and 
not interject anything. How will the other person know we are really listening and feeling 
for them? (I hope this wasn't asked & answered already.)


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Empathy is always an active process, that is why we have a chapter 
called expressing empathy. It is not enough to listen with empathy, it has to be put into 
words, shared with another.  Empathy can not be sensed exclusively, so you are right, it has 
to be clear verbal expression. 


GRACE:   Thank you


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Your very welcome


Dearest:   Mary, go ahead


MaryO:   This is related to something you said earlier, Dr. C., if we've had bad encounters 
early on and our empathy has contracted, can we change it in later life? If so, how? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   We can definitely learn to be more empathic, if we not responded 
to with empathy we can develop later.  The book provides very practical steps to practice 
and explore on a daily basis. We essentially learn this life survival skill from people who 
have it. Amazon lists a sample chapter that may provide additional clarity. We also have a 
chapter The Dark Side of Empathy that teaches how to protect yourself.


Dearest:   In your book, you say that empathy can be used not only for helpful, but for 
harmful purposes. Do you mean that once someone has the ability to understand, perhaps, 
another's weaknesses -- that they might use that understanding of their weakness to harm 
them? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   10 very practical steps are listed. Absolutely, I say in the 
book that Adolph Hitler had empathy.


Dearest:   Can you elaborate?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Bill Clinton has been called Mr. Empathy. Good salesman have 
empathy, remember it is every day mind reading.  The person with the greatest capacity 
for empathy always wins out in the end. Hitler knew  the hearts of the German people 
very well, I quote his speeches in the book.  He used his information to manipulate, 
lovers do this all the time.


Dearest:   How do lovers do it all the time?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   That is why empathy leads to real love not image love.


Dearest:   So, empathy can be a form of manipulation.


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   People can read the other accurately and then use that info to 
hurt or to help.  Empathy is accurately reading another, it can be both sword and shield, 
it is a paradox.  The good news is it allows us to find real love rather than falling for 
images.  Images cannot be maintained over time. 


Dearest:   Thank you, Dr. C.  Nancy, go ahead.


NancyV:   Allows us to be more discerning to determine the degree of relationship?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Exactly, when you develop this capacity to the max you are very 
discerning. 


NancyV: Thank you


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   You're welcome.


Dearest:   Dr. C., in closing, what motivated you to write this particular book? 


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   I was struck by a personal tragedy which I write about and threw 
away all my theories.  I tried to really focus on what really works to provide true intimacy 
and health. I knew that this capacity lead to personal and professional success more than 
anything I had encountered. 


Dearest:   Do you feel prior to the personal tragedy you lacked the empathy you needed to 
handle the situation?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:  I realized that my  lack of empathy had led to loss of a life. 


Dearest:   This was your brother?


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Yes my younger and only sibling. 


MaryO:   Oh, my :(


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   I dedicated the book to him.


Dearest:   Terribly sorry to hear that, Dr. C.


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Thank you, it has changed my life, in many positive but painful 
ways.


Dearest:   I'm certain, though, you can't take full responsibility for another's actions. 
He was an adult. He made his own choices.


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Yes, I realize that but I also know what could have been with 
different eyes. I did what I could with what wisdom I had at the time. But I have learned 
so much about istening, slowing down and truly seeing another accurately. It is life 
changing, empathy guides us to a knowledge of another that all humans long for.


Dearest:   I recommend everyone read "The Power of Empathy" by Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli. 
Thank you for spending this time with us tonight, Dr. C. You've certainly provided a great 
deal of food for thought.  Thank you, Dr. Ciaramicoli for the stimulating and informative 
chat tonight.


Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli:   Thank you so much for having me, you are all so kind!


Dearest:  You're most welcome. Goodnight, everyone. See you next week!



Disclaimer:  Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose
opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an 
endorsement of a guest's views.

None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without 
the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest.

Read other transcripts by returning to the Library.


Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


Copyright©1994-2010 by Power Surge.  All Rights Reserved.