(Steven Carter visit #3 to Power Surge)

Dearest:   Steven Carter, relationship expert and author of 19 books, including the New 
York Times runaway bestseller, "Men Who Can't Love" ... and 
"He's Scared, She's Scared", 
"What Smart Women Know", 
"Men Like Women Who Like Themselves", 
"Getting To Commitment" and 
"This Is How Love Works" and his newest 
 Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist

Steven has been a frequent guest on the most popular talk shows including Oprah, 
Politically Correct, The Today Show, Good Morning America and writes for national 
publications on a regular basis.....


Steven Carter:   Everything?


Dearest:   Almost everything? :)


Steven Carter:   :)


Dearest:   Steven, welcome back to Power Surge. Is the reality of finding or 
having a loving partnership  more difficult in today's fast-paced, stressful society 
where so many people are more work-oriented than focused on nurturing or even finding 
loving relationships?


Steven Carter:   I think it has become so very difficult.  But, I think one of the 
most difficult things is the fact that we are single longer and longer.  So good 
at being single, in fact, that we have a very hard time being UN-single.

Who would have ever thought that those skills we perfected waiting for someone loving 
to come along would actually get in the way of a partnership?

And that is really the core of THIS IS HOW LOVE WORKS.  It's a book about learning to 
partner again.


Dearest:   What is the difference between a relationship and a partnership? 


Steven Carter:   I think a relationship is what happens when you find someone.  But a 
partnership is something entirely different.  A partnership happens when you are 
connecting in an ongoing way, a very specific way. Partnership skills are learned 
skills.  Anyone can be in a relationship, but a lot of people don't know how to 
create a partnership.


Dearest:   Thank you, Steven. Diana, go ahead.


diana48:   I was wondering if going through the menopause/hysterectomy might make it 
to where I don't want a relationship or partnership.


Steven Carter:   I think a lot of things can bring you to the point of questioning 
whether or not you want a relationship or a partnership. This is a lot of work we're 
talking about.  It is work with a purpose, but it is still work. A lot of people are 
not "up for it," at least, that's the way they feel right now.  But then, bing!, 
someone comes along and it starts again. So be prepared for that "bing"!


Dearest:   Is there some magic moment at which the "couple" becomes "WE" and no longer 
"ME?"  Or is that part of the evolution of the relationship ---> partnership?


Steven Carter:   I think that happens in increments.  But that's why you have to learn 
how to prioritize "we".  You have to learn about we language, we actions, and we 
behavior, and start integrating that.  I tell people to create a daily dose of we.
A ritual of "we" experience or language that makes your partner know that you are not 
living in the "I".  "We" doesn't happen in an afternoon, and it's not supposed to 
happen in an afternoon.


harper:   In this modern society, how do we learn to bond with all the fear of co-
dependence? 


Steven Carter:   I think it is very important that you are actively working through 
your issues of co-dependence.  But I also see many more examples of something very 
different.  A fierce independence that leaves no room for compromise.  In some ways, 
that scares me more because the fiercely independent don't let other people "in". That 
ferocity has a lot of anger behind it.

Still...co-dependency is a critical relationship issue and that can lead to a lot of 
anger too, because underneath all of that caretaking is a person who craves the same 
thing in return.  And when they do not get that, they are very angry.


Dearest:   So you correlate strong feelings of independence with anger? What about if 
people are afraid due to past failed relationships?


Steven Carter:   Another mechanism that drives "independence".  Understand that so many 
things can lead to the same place.  There is certainly such a thing as healthy 
independence.  There is also such a thing as healthy inter-dependence.

I am always looking for the hidden sub-text.
I am always looking for things that are underneath the attitude.

I consider myself very independent, but I also have room in my life for connection and 
I know many others who are like this.  Yet I also meet so many men and women who are 
all attitude and underneath that attitude is a painful history that has not been 
reconciled. Has not been confronted. Has not been in a therapeutic environment. Lots of 
men and women are "swinging wild" with their emotional history.  And believe me that it 
creates huge roadblocks to connection.


Dearest:   Thanks, Steven.  Diana, go ahead.


diana48:   From your point of view, do Men want partnerships?  My experience is Men 
want me to do all the work, what would you suggest in order for women to find out? 


Steven Carter:   I think there are all kinds of men, and I don't want to generalize.

Yes, some men just want a mommy,
Yes, some men just want a secretary,
Yes, some men just want a concubine,

But there are also a lot of men--more and more all the time--who want something more 
healthy. You are not going to find this in every man you meet, but these men exist in 
large numbers.

But here's the problem. These men are not always the "obvious ones". They are not 
always the charismatic ones. They are not the ones who stand out in the crowd because 
they are healthier, so many women don't notice these men. They drive right past these 
men on their way to getting clobbered by a more charismatic man.

And let me add this...Men may WANT a housekeeper for a partner, but that doesn't mean 
they can't be very happy with a loving, equal partner.  Sometimes, it is up to you to 
not fall into the trap, to hold your ground, understanding that you have so many other 
things to offer.


Dearest:   So, would it be fair to say that many people are looking for the wrong 
partners?


Steven Carter:   I think that most of us don't know what we are looking for, and are 
very lucky when we stumble across a decent relationship. I also know that many men 
and women have a long list of things they are looking for and that list is not a 
smart list. It is not a healthy list.

I encourage men and women to take their list to someone who can give them a reality 
check. That someone might be a therapist, a good friend, etc.  But I think it is very 
important to get that list approved by someone other than you. Someone who has your 
best interests at heart but can also see things clearly for you.


Dearest:   Very interesting. Thank you, Steven. Mary, go ahead :)


MaryO:   My question is similar to Diana's last one...what if your partner is more 
interested in "me" not "we".  Is there anyway to help him change, easily, without a 
whole lot of resistance?  


Steven Carter:   Yes. The first thing you have to do is get your partner used to 
your "we" language. You can't be afraid of his "I" position. You have to talk "we." 
It's an education process for someone who has never done this. Then you have to 
reinforce his "we" actions, gestures, language, etc.  But I think the most important 
thing is to set a constant example, to not retreat into the "I" because he is resistant.  
You don't really know what the nature of his resistance is and if you adopt his "I" 
style, then you've lost...so I guess that there is a certain fearlessness that is 
required.  A willingness to be "first".


Dearest:   How does everything we saw in our parents relationship carry over into our 
adult relationships and how to separate ourselves from those things we didn't like in 
their relationship? 


Steven Carter:   I think a centrifuge might do it! It is incredible how much we carry 
forward  And I know very few people who haven't found themselves recreating some, if 
not all, of the relationship they were exposed to as children. But this does not have 
to be a life sentence.

The first thing is: RECOGNITION, the fact that you RECOGNIZE you are recreating old 
family stuff is a huge step.  Most people haven't even taken that step yet. But then 
comes the behavior modification and, often, counseling or therapy.  Go running into 
your therapists' office saying "I don't want to be my 
other/father/sister/brother/grandmother/grandfather!!!"  Therapists know how to "tease" 
this material out.  I feel that is one of the most effective parts of good therapy--
helping you separate yourself from your history.


Dearest:   I have a question that might seem odd, but we've all heard of prenuptial 
agreements. In that same vein, couldn't going for counseling before entering a 
relationship help a couple peel away the layers of emotional baggage and, perhaps, 
avoid many of the pitfalls? 


Steven Carter:   I'm not sure what you mean -- dragging a complete stranger with you 
to counseling? 


Dearest:   Not a complete stranger. Someone with whom you're anticipating/planning a 
relationship.  


Steven Carter:   If you can get that kind of cooperation, all power to you!  But, I 
think that you can start the process on your own. Because the truth is that you 
are bringing your family into all of your relationships...not just your romantic 
relationships...and this is the kind of stuff that comes out in therapy all of the 
time... They call some of this "projection" and some of this "transference". I call it: 
Showing up with your entire family.


Dearest:   Great, thanks, Steven. Lhart, go ahead, please. (His answers are always 
so wonderful. It's almost like he writes a new book while he's here)  :)


Steven Carter:   :)


Lhart1:   How can anyone even want to stay in a relationship while in the throes of 
menopause?


Steven Carter:   Tough question.  I know that a lot of women don't want to be in a 
relationship because they feel they don't DESERVE to have a partner when they are in 
the throes of menopause.

So they start to sabotage themselves, Trying to force an "ending" because they are so 
certain that "the end is near".


Lhart1:   I just did that.


Steven Carter:   I get letters like this a lot from Power Surge writers.  I'm not 
surprised at all.


Lhart1:   I feel better though.


Dearest:   Interesting choice of words -- they feel they don't deserve to have a 
partner.


Steven Carter:   Menopause is your partner's opportunity to prove to you that you are 
lovable, regardless of what you are going through.  But you have to GIVE YOUR PARTNER 
THAT CHANCE!!!


Lhart1:   Thanks for the answer


Steven Carter:   You're welcome.



Dearest:   Marion, go ahead.


Marion:   How do you deal with someone who is very self involved and stubborn in his 
ways?


Steven Carter:   Maybe you need to be dealing with the question of why someone like 
this is so attractive to you. Stubborn is one thing, but self-involved - that cracks 
open a whole new topic. And that is what Julia Sokol and I will be writing about this 
year--exploring the impact of narcissism on relationships.  Maybe you want to be 
interviewed?  If so, drop a line to me through the Power-Surge "Ask The Relationship Expert" page.

Steven Carter:   Please take a look at This Is How Love Works." Okay. 


Dearest:   Bea, go ahead. Make ie brief, please.  We're running late tonight.


Steven Carter:   Did I mention THIS IS HOW LOVE WORKS?


Dearest:  Haha!! Yes, you did and I did a few dozen times :)


Steven Carter:   :)


Bea:   Could you recommend a good therapist for couples in the Washington DC area?


Dearest:   Maybe you should E.mail Steven, Bea.


Steven Carter:   Yes. But I need to do this through private e-mail.


Bea:   I have been to one, but with not good results.


Steven Carter:   No therapist wants their name posted for the universe to see.


Bea:   Alright, I will send you an email, thanks.


Dearest:   Steven, thanks so much for joining us again in Power Surge. I recommend 
everyone get a copy of Steven Carter's new book (in fact, ALL his books!) -- "This Is 
How Love Works: 9 Essential Secrets You Need to Know".    

Steven Carter:  Thank you very much everyone!

Dearest:  Goodnight, everyone. Thanks for coming.



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Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


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