(Steven Carter visit #2 to Power Surge)

Dearest:   My guest tonight has been writing about relationship and commitment 
issues for more than 15 years and has published 17 books, including the NY Times 
bestseller, "Men Who Can't Love",  "He's Scared, She's Scared", "What 
Smart Women Know", and "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves".

                         S T E V E N         C A R T E R  . . .

. . . once again touches upon the issues of commitment in his latest book, co-authored by 
Julia Sokol, "Getting To Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles To Lasting Connection 
(And Finding The Courage To Love) - M. Evans & Co., 1998. Steven's work has been 
featured in many major publications and he has appeared on hundreds of TV and radio 
programs as expert in the area of relationships and commitment.

Steven, welcome back to Power Surge :)  Is it a common occurrence for commitmentphobic 
people to be attracted to one other?


Steven Carter:   Hello, everyone. To answer your first question, it is typical.  What 
could be more attractive to someone who fears commitment than someone else with 
that same fear? For a while anyway.


Dearest:    So, for a commitmentphobic person, another who fears commitment is 
sort of a safety net, yes?


Steven Carter:   Precisely. The Perfect Partner.  For a while until one person 
realizes that their fear isn't as strong as the other persons.  It's sort of like  
whoever has the less fear loses.


Dearest:   Steven, what about the woman or man who's single, but only seeks out 
married or "committed" people.  Is that a form of commitmentphobia? 


Steven Carter:   People who are already married or committed to others are 
UNAVAILABLE.  Unavailable is the attraction.  Unavailable is the safety net.
If that same unavailable person suddenly becomes available, everything changes.


Dearest:   Interesting.... how there's safety built into an otherwise dangerous 
situation, yes?


Steven Carter:	That's the crazy part. The only thing that is safe is the fact that you 
will never be asked to be more committed to the relationship, truly committed. Not 
fantasy committed, not committed from afar, real life committed, in the same room 
committed.


DAN13:   Why do poeple who were abused look for men/women who abuse them in 
a relationship?


Steven Carter:   For a lot of people that feels very safe.  The sad thing is that it is not 
at  all safe, it is the stuff that heartbreak is made of.


Dearest:   Are people who fear commitment generally fearful people, or do they 
compartmentalize this syndrome?

 
Steven Carter:   I think that varies.  Some people struggle with relationships, yet 
manage to be very committed in all other areas of their lives but others they struggle 
in many places - job fears, life fears. Everything says "don't tie me down".


Dearest:  Fascinating. Thanks :) But you're always fascinating, Steven :) Lora, go ahead, 
please.


LORACURA:   How do women and men differ in their feelings towards commitment?


Steven Carter:   I don't want to stereotype but I think it's important to see that men 
and women often express their fears differently.  Women are more likely to have 
the 'passive' expression, more likely to yearn for an unavailable partner or get 
involved with an unavailable partner.

Men are more likely to be the more aggressive style, more likely to pursue, then 
panic. To seduce, then reject.  But, either sex can show the same traits.  I think 
that because it is still much easier for men to be more aggressive in the pursuit 
of a relationship outwardly aggressive. They tend to show that pursue-panic style.  
Also, if you're always yearning for unavailable partners, you never have to question 
your own commitment fear.  For a lot of women it is very unfashionable to think that 
THEY have any fear of commitment.  Still so much easier to point a finger at men.


Dearest:   Isn't that somewhat masochistic? To stay with someone you know won't 
commit to you?


Steven Carter:	It does hurt, but if you have the fear it would appear that it hurts less 
than actually confronting the fear.  Confronting the fear is the most terrifying thing of 
all and that is why so many of us avoid it.


Dearest:   Interesting. Thanks. Queen, go ahead.


Queen64D05:   My 41-year old bachelor beau is scared to death to commit---help!  I 
know he wants to.   


Steven Carter:	Okay.  Here's the conflict: Part of him wants to, and part of him doesn't.
Your job is to keep paying equal attention to both parts.  Don't ignore the good OR the bad.
You have to work with both at the same time. Too often, we ignore the bad because we want 
the good stuff so bad! If he really wants this, he has to be willing to do a little work.
It isn't enough to say "I want this." He may have to do some homework here.

He may have to see a counselor with you.
He may have to talk to someone on his own.
He may have to read a few good books (hint, hint), but he's going to have to do 
SOMETHING.
Saying "I want this is" is very nice, but it isn't the same as doing it.
In the meantime, hold on to the reality that he is split in half,
of two very different minds.  Both real. Both sincere.
But one is potentially destructive.


Dearest:   Wonderful, Steven. Thanks. Geebee, go ahead :)


Geebee2000:   I am divorced 3 times, married 4 times.  Commitmentphobic or 
commitment junkie?

 
Steven Carter:	In my opinion, there is no such thing as a commitment junkie.
Commitment means sticking to it.  If you can't stick to it, you haven't really 
committed.  I've had some very famous celebrities say to me, "I don't have a 
commitment problem", "I've been married six times" or "I don't have a commitment 
problem".  "My problem is I love too much. I have ten kids with eight different 
women."

All I hear in sentences like that is a crippling struggle. You may be addicted to 
the rush of love, to the first year, the first six months, the 'honeymoon phase',
but that's not the kind of commitment I'm talking about.


I'm talking about the desire to hang in, the desire to work it through, to ride the scary 
wave.


Geebee2000:   No scary waves here!!!


Steven Carter:   I see waves crashing everywhere! Surf's up!


Dearest:   What about people who get bored after 7 years in a relationship
and want to move on.. what does that mean? 


Steven Carter:   It can mean so many things.  Are you bored because you aren't 
connected? If you haven't built a richer connection, you are going to poop out by seven 
years or three years or even one year.  The question is, what are you doing to build a 
richer connection? If you're hoping that sex and passion are sufficient, you're in for a big 
surprise.  If you're hoping that LOVE is sufficient, you're in for a big surprise.

You need the big stuff like love, passion, etc., but that's just for starters.
Then the day to day connection begins.  So, how much connecting are you really 
doing?  If you're not connecting, and building that connection constantly
you WILL get bored.


Dearest:   Hmmmm

Steven Carter:   Hmmm. Let me say a little more about that connection.  Connection is really 
the theme of "Getting to Commitment" because I know that is where the mystery gets solved.
It is not the connection you feel on your first date or your first intimate moment. It is not the 
karmic connection. It is a connection that only grows through life, through time,  through putting 
in the hours, through fighting, and talking and sharing and revealing yourself, and taking risks.
All that scary stuff that no one wants to do.


Dearest:   Especially the "revealing yourself" part :)  Thanks, Steven.  Revealing yourself means 
being vulnerable.


SDAN13:   Hi, I was wondering why people who get abused find abusive relationships.


Steven Carter:   I think that abuse can certainly 'program' you to find abusive 
people familiar, comfortable in a strange way because you know it. Healthier people 
feel different, healthier partners are not as familiar so this is very confusing.

You're trying to find something healthier, yet you're not likely to notice someone 
healthier.  They don't show up on your radar.  Too weird...too different. Your 'radar' 
picks up familiar stuff.  That's why I say you're "programmed" in a weird way.

But you can also change that. This is not a life sentence.  The important thing to recognize 
is that your radar is broken. That your radar has been damaged by your previous abuse.


SDAN13:   How do you fix that?


Steven Carter:   Through therapy, if necessary. But it isn't a mystery. Actually, it makes 
perfect sense if you think about it.

 
NONNERKINS:   Then why is it so difficult for men to say, I Love You? 


Steven Carter:   If it is difficult, it is because of the IMPLICATIONS.
Many men, and many women too feel that the words "I love you" are saying, 
"FOREVER" not, I love you this Thursday.  Hence, the fear. I also think
that a lot of people just have a hard time accessing their hearts.  They don't 
feel things deeply, so the words don't come and I think that men are not alone 
here.


Dearest:  Steven, what are some of the more commonly recognizable signs
of a commitmentphobic person?


Steven Carter:   The classic signs are the pursuit/panic, the fast beginning, followed 
by mixed messages, a pulling away.

That's the classic.  Of course, there are some people who will tell you right away that 
they have commitment problems.

Here's the deal:  PEOPLE WITH COMMITMENT PROBLEMS WANT YOU TO KNOW THEY 
HAVE COMMITMENT PROBLEMS.  They are much happier when you know.  So they 
try to tell you, often.  They say, I have this problem.  But they also say, "I think it can be 
different with you".  So you hear the second part of the sentence and you ignore the first 
part.  This is a classic exchange.  Remember that "THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW"  and if 
someone tells you that they have this problem, say, "thank you", thank you for telling 
me up front.  Now it is my job to decide what to do here.

Now it is my job to decide if I want out right now, if I want to CRAWL forward with 
you or if I want to ask more questions.


Dearest:   So, if "pulling away" is a classic sign, what did you mean at the
last chat when you said, "Often, the commitmentphobic is the person who doesn't 
move on?" 


Steven Carter:   The person who doesn't move on is staying AFTER the other person 
has said "I can't take it anymore".  Once you break up, they feel free to hang on	
forever.


Dearest:	Thanks. Toga, go ahead.


TogaGirl4U:   It seems like it is harder to find a man who wants a relationship 
now that I am in my 50's.  How can I tell if I am choosing the right type of man? 


Steven Carter:	I'm not going to disagree with you, though I think it is always 
hard.  Remember that all it takes is ONE person - just ONE.


Dearest:	Thanks, Steven. Katie, go ahead :)


Katieancrx:   Is giving the "ultimatum" almost always a losing proposition? 

 
Steven Carter:	Absolutely.


Katieancrx:   I don't want it to be the kiss of death.  I just want to move forward with 
the relationship....not keep dating two more years.


Steven Carter:   Ultimatums only work if you're ready to back them up. Otherwise, 
you lose all your power.  Again, ultimatums CAN work but only if it is a true ultimatum 
you are prepared to support regardless of 'his' response.


Dearest:   OSea, go ahead.


O SEAPEARL:   I have a  childhood friend who always was attracted to abusive 
relationships.  She discovered she was bisexual and fell in love with an abusive 
woman, then finally married an abusive man.  Personally, I am sick of being a 
rescuer to her problems with dominating people in her life.  Is it true these 
people look for rescuers?


Steven Carter:	People who have been abused are definitely looking for some help
The problem was that when they were abused for the first time.  No one was there 
to help them, so, as adults, they are in a perpetual loop of looking for rescuing
but also vulnerable to repeating the abuse.


O SEAPEARL:  What do you suggest for us to do?


Steven Carter:	It is very painful stuff.  You have to decide what you can handle
and set your own boundaries.  People with abuse issues have very weak boundaries
so don't expect them to set them for you.  This is your decision.


O SEAPEARL:   Good .. Thanks.

 
Steven Carter:   Sometimes the best help is getting them to more skilled help.


Dearest:   When you said "adults" it made me wonder.. is being commitmentphobic 
often part of not wanting to grow up and accept the responsibility of commitment 
and adulthood?


Steven Carter:   That's a direct hit!  In our culture, where growing up is not at 
all fashionable and not at all easy, it is certainly at the root of many people's 
struggles.  Committing means growing up.  It means being a true adult.

It means facing your mortality.

It means becoming a part of the human continuum consciously and that is very scary.  
Remember also that it is particularly hard to 'grow up' if you had a traumatic childhood.  
If you didn't get a chance to be a kid, you have to be a kid before you can be an adult.


Dearest:   I must tell all of you that I've read dozens of books on commitment and 
relationships, but Steven's are absolutely excellent. :) Elle, go ahead.


ElleEffe:   In human relationships it is important to remember that  EGO (past 
relationships and experiences) play a huge  role.   How do you address this 
Carter?  Being human is a huge deal  -  can we address this?


Dearest:   His name is Steven Carter.	:)


Steven Carter:   Past relationships and experience DETERMINE your future.
Your history writes your destiny in relationships.  That is why it is so crucial 
to understand your history and its impact. Grieving old losses that is a huge step
because those old losses seem to be the thing that keeps us stuck the most.


Dearest:   Wouldn't you say there's a correlation between commitmentphobia and 
selfishness? 


Steven Carter:   In selfish times, such as these, commitment is certainly less 
appealing.  I hear people discussing this all of the time.  It can't all be about 
ME.  The ME generation has to become the WE generation.  Otherwise, we're all in 
deep you-know-what.


Dearest:   Steven, is the fear of commitment more likely to be an inherent personality 
trait, or part of a general fear of growing up and facing adulthood -- OR the end result 
of poor choices and bad relationships?


Steven Carter:   More than anything I feel it is a reflection of your history
but because our culture has changed, and you don't have to commit, so many more 
people are running.  Lots of people have some of the trait

In the "old days" they didn't act it out but today it's okay to run, okay to start 
over, to look for someone new again and again.  Things are different.  Which is 
why the only way we are going to find commitment in our lives is to say "It's 
time".  I want something more, I need to take this seriously, I need to tke myself 
seriously. I need to face my fears. I need to grow up, whatever that means.
But you have to WANT it. Do you want it???????


Dearest:   Katie, go ahead.


Katieancrx:   Facing that fear is so incredibly hard.  I wrote my fears down in a 
letter and I'm sending it to my man.  I feel like that's a really immature way to 
handle it but I can't say it face to face. 


Steven Carter:   Do the best you can.  Also, I want to add that I have had to go 
through this just like everyone else.  Personal experience has been my most 
important teacher.  But from that experience, I know that commitment is possible


Dearest:   Steven, is it only within the confines of a relationship that one recognizes 
and overcomes the fear of commitment?


Steven Carter:   That is the acid test.  You can do a lot of work on your own, and 
in therapy but only in a relationship will you discover what challenges you still 
must overcome.  So the idea isn't to make yourself perfect on your own and then 
find a relationship.  The idea is to work on yourself, but also be brave enough to 
enter into a relationship at the same time and survive what surfaces.


Dearest:   Thanks, Steven :)  Geebee, go ahead.


Geebee2000:  I've tried! Is it me or is it the godawful men that I have chosen?  
Love you Steven!!   Will you marry me, too?


Steven Carter:    I think it's always a combination.  Our own stuff and their stuff put 
in a blender and making a mess.  That is life	but what else is there?


Dearest:   Lora, go ahead.


LORACURA:   Do you think our feelings on relationships change as we mature?


Steven Carter:	Hopefully.


LORACURA:	Not as we age!! LOL


Steven Carter:	Unfortunately, commitment fears don't necessarily go away with age 
alone.	MATURE is the key word.  Maturing means, to me, getting healthier, getting 
wiser, getting 'cleaner'.


Dearest:   What are some of the most common ways in which commitmentphobic people 
sabotage their chances for a happy relationship? And wouldn't you think many of 
them end up alone and unhappy?


Steven Carter:   Yes, I know that many do end up alone and unhappy. And one of the 
most popular ways they sabotage is by SCARING THEMSELVES TO DEATH.  They push for 
intimacy then they are terrified when they get it.  If only everyone could just 
USE YOUR BRAKES! USE YOUR BRAKES! 

Don't scare yourself out of your own future.  For more, I encourage you to browse 
through copies of "Getting To Commitment" and "He's Scared, She's Scared", 
not to mention "Men Who Can't Love".


Dearest:   Steven, thanks so much for joining us again in Power Surge to field our 
questions about	relationships and commitment.

Anyone interested in asking additional questions  of Steven Carter, can do so on 
the Power Surge Web site's "Ask The Relationship Expert" page at: www.power-
surge.com/asktheexperts/relations.shtml.

Visit Steven's Web site at: www.gettingtocommitment.com where you can read more 
about his new book, "Getting To Commitment".


Steven Carter:	Thank you all.  And good night.


Dearest:  Goodnight, Steven :)






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