Dearest:   	Internationally recognized as one of the foremost authorities on 
human relations and personal growth, it is my pleasure to introduce
you to our guest in Power Surge tonight, BARBARA DE ANGELIS.

Well known for her award-winning television infomercial, "Making Love 
Work," Barbara has also hosted her own daily TV show for CBS-TV, her 
own radio talk show in L.A. and appeared weekly for two years on CNN
as their Newsnight Relationship Expert. Barbara has been a frequent 
guest on Oprah, Leeza, Donahue and Geraldo, and has been a
regular contributor to Entertainment Tonight and Eyewitness News 
in L.A.
 	
Barbara has authored 5 consecutive national best-sellers including two 
New York Times blockbusters, Are You The One For Me?" and 	and 
"Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know." We're especially 
honored that Barbara has agreed to join us having just today returned 
from the first lap of her whirlwind book tour for her newest book.......
 		
  'Ask Barbara : The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, 
Sex, and Relationships"  published by Delacorte Press.
 	
The focus of tonight's Q & A session with Barbara De Angelis will be on our 
interpersonal relationships, and not on the medical aspects of menopause. 
Kindly reserve your questions about menopause for future Power Surge 
chats, so we can take advantage of Barbara's expertise. Thanks :)
 

Dearest:   	Barbara, one of the many questions in your new book is 
probably the one on many of our participants minds tonight:  "Is it natural 
for passion to disappear after years of marriage?"  For those who haven't 
yet bought your book, could we begin our Q & A session by addressing the 
issue of keeping love alive at a time in life when our relationships are 
taxed to the max? 	Thanks, and welcome to Power Surge :)


Barbara De Angelis:	Hi everybody.  Its' great to be here and bond on the internet.
		Whether it's mid life or early life, the concept and the skills are 
exactly the same and that is passion disappears when we make several common 
but deadly mistakes in our relationships.  First:  when we ignore problems and 
don't talk about the things we need to, pretend everything is "fine" and don't ask 
for what we want, we end up building emotional walls that we may be unaware 
of between ourselves and our partner.  
		Lack of passion comes from neglect just like having a heart 
attack is not an inevitable part of getting old comes from not taking care of 
yourself.  So if you have not taken care of a relationship, the passion is going to 
be the first thing to go.  And even more so, it you are good at stuffing your anger 
as so many of us are good at, as women, you end up becomming  emotionally 
numb and there goes your sex life.  


FBriggs113:	With my true love (my spouse) I find that he often knows what I 
am thinking and vice versa. I am wondering if this is a normal part of a relationship 
which is not young, or if it is a special connection that sometimes we have with 
another.  This is not occasional.


Barbara De Angelis:	If you want me to tell you how special it is that your found 
your true soul mate I will, but it sounds to me that you already know it.  


Lori4hlth:	I have been married for 24yrs. The last 19 we've been very
compatible & had alot of fun butfor the last year we have started to bicker and 
even had nasty fights - whats wrong?


Barbara De Angelis:	If you're honest with yourself, you;'ll know what's wrong.  This
is one of my top 100 questions in "Ask Barbara - what are we fighting about?
And the answer is, "we're never fighting for the reasons we think we are"  Your 
conflicts are not truly about who forgot to feed the dog, or put down the toilet 
seat. They are about not feeling loved or understood, resentments you haven't 
talked about or healed, or personal issues you are each dealing with that are 
"leaking" into your relationship.  You and your partner need to sit down and 
talk about the fact that you don't like what is happening and be willing to do 
some honest soul seaching together. DON'T IGNORE THIS WARNING SIGN -- 
DO SOMETHING. 


Dearest:   	Barbara, what if our partner won't talk?  Isn't a communicator? 


Barbara De Angelis:	How long have you been together?


Dearest:   	Hypothetical question. 


Barbara De Angelis:	A relationship has nothing to do with going to the movies or
concerts or even sleeping together. If he won't talk, what's the point?   
There is no true communication I mean there is no true relationship with 
commuication. One is settling for less and it's likely he's too old to change.
 

GiGiFillie:	Hard to rekindle that fire - Won't talk - is there other fuel out 
there? Help for saving 30 yrs? 


Barbara De Angelis:	See above.  A partner who won't talk is like a car that does not
run.  It doesn't work.


Calantmind:	How would you suggest starting to ask for what you want now 
after almost 30 years.


Barbara De Angelis:	Just start.
One of the problems we have as women is we are soooooo careful and tip toe 
around our men, which is a big mistake.  You might try writing him a letter 
so he can be "shocked" in private, or sitting down with him as frankly as 
you would with a girlfriend and put the question to him. I have not asked 
for what I have wanted all these years.. What should I do?  And see what he says.  
If he really loves you, he'll make an effort to get to know the "new" you, but 
remember:  you are the one who has held your true self back for whatever reason, 
so he is not responsible for that.  And it will take some time to get used to 
this change in your dynamic, so be compassionate.  

 
 
Jean:	Is there any way to get a guy to talk/communicate?  Do you find any 
particular books on the topic that they will read and accept? (And ACT on?)


Barbara De Angelis:	It's not your job to teach him how to talk. It's his job to learn 
if he even wants to.  If he wants to and says he needs help, a good 1st step 
would be therapy or a mens group because the deeper reasons he's not talking 
are what he needs to face.  After all I'm sure he can talk in life or he wouldn't be 
functional.  He just can't talk about intimate things.  

 
Postrain:	Hubby is supportive, but all these (menopause) symptoms may 
test that.  How can I maintain support? 
 
 
Barbara De Angelis:	You cannot maintain his support.  He has to maintain his support
by educating himself and remembering that he married you for better or worse
and it sound like you are saying this is the worse.  Stress on a marriage during 
menopause will only create real problems if there are already underlying 
problems that you have not been paying attention to.


Mardi44:	In rather new (6 months) relationship. He's totally scared of
committment. Twice divorced.  Is there anything I can say or do to convince him 
nothing to fear with me?  


Barbara De Angelis:	Sure there is something to fear with you.... just as you should 
have something to fear with him... love is very scarey because it makes you 
vulnerable... and a relationship requires tremendous emotional courage... 
You're probably scaring him even more by acting like there is nothing to be 
scared of.  Try telling him the things you are afraid of also so  he can feel that 
you understand him and out of that the trust will slowly grow.

 

MVMeckel: How can a couple initiate negotiation and avoid sliding 
into conflict??

 
Barbara De Angelis:	Am I hearing correctly that you both become stubborn and get
into power struggles?


MVMeckel:	Yes, and perhaps this is addictive in itself??
 

Barbara De Angelis:	You're right.  Some people love the drama, tension that comes 
from combat in a relationship.  Although this is a very toxic habit.  My belief is 
that you cannot change a behavior until you understand and heal it's underlying 
cause.  So the real question is?  why do you both feel such a need to be right?  
And why does compromise feel like losing?


MVMeckel:	Indeed -- but some of us have a pattern?? Hypothetical
 

Barbara De Angelis:	This may go back to having grown up with a dominant, 
controlling parent.  And you are acting out some old fear and resentment.  
Read my books/lots of hints for you in there.  
 

Roverrrr:	We're empty nesters and after 25 yrs, it's like being on honeymoon 
again. It has stoked the fires of passion.

 
Barbara De Angelis:	Is there a question?


Roverrrr:	No, just a comment.


Dearest:   	Thank you for sharing, Rover :)  


Z J Gragg:	My husband of 20 yrs. & I get along pretty well as long as one 
of us is "up" but when we are both "down" we have such different needs.  He
likes to be left alone when down and I like to be close.  We've talked about it, 
but can't seem to resolve.  Any thoughts? 


Barbara De Angelis:	Nothing is wrong with what either of you want.  Your mistake is 
expecting him to give you what you need rather than finding another way of 
getting it.  You need to create some personal rituals for yourself that help tune 
you back in to your own source of love or have friends you can reach out to.  
Or any method of getting you back on center.  Expecting him to make you happy 
all the time is an ideal way to sabotage yourself.  I know, I've been there and that's 
why having a husband is not going to fill you 100% of the time.  

 
TnkPositiv:	What would make a woman (my sister) cling to men that are 
cruel and ones she feels, that she can change them....and all will be happy..yet 
she is 35 and miserable?

 
Barbara De Angelis:	Please please buy "Ask Barbara" immediately or read her 
question #15, 16 and 21 which describe her perfectly.  Answers too long to give 
her, but she won't be able to run from the truth anymore when she reads them.  

 
TnkPositiv:	Thanks!


FBriggs113:	Some women  have trouble disclosing their inner-most feelings...
 even needs - any suggestions for how to go about it? 

 
Barbara De Angelis:	Again, before you figure out the how, you have to understand 
the why.  Truthfully, to disclose a need takes ten seconds.  You could do it right
now by just saying, I need you to tell me i'm beautiful or whatever.  So it's not 
like you can't do it.  Its that you are not doing it.  Probably because you're afraid 
of rejection.  You were taught that to ask is selfish or you are prejudging your 
needs and disqualifying them.  You need to do some inner work so you can give
that little girl the voice she deserves.  

 
Dearest:   	Barbara, in my experience, part of "loving" is allowing oneself to 
be vulnerable. I'm curious, but which do you think has more trouble with 
that? Men or women?  

 
Barbara De Angelis:	I don't like stereotyping the sexes.  For every man who is shut
down there is a woman who is cold and protected.  If we try to relate more to 
the person deep within everyone  We would all be much better of.   

 
Mardi44:	What do you think of John Gray's "Men from Mars, Women 
from Venus" philosophy?

 
Barbara De Angelis:	Does anyone listening know that I was married to him 20 years
ago.  LOL
		Needless to say we're divorced.  Does that answer your 
question?  I'm from earth. 


Mardi44:	Really?


Dearest:   	To John Gray?


Barbara De Angelis:	Yes


Mardi44:	For true?


Dearest:   	Wow... we could have had both of you and called the chat, Ask men 100 questions 
about Mars!


Ofra 1:        	oy vey


Dearest:      	:)


Barbara De Angelis:	Or it would be more accurate to call it, "Mars Attacks."


WLV Cinda:	LOL


Dearest:      	Oops!  LOL


Syrndipity:	Hehehehe!


Mardi44:   	In shock!!!


Dearest:   	Interesting. Learn something new every day. 


Blazerbarb:	I just wanted to say that I loved your book real moments. I think
of it every day.  How do you forgive past hurts such as being lied to etc.?


Barbara De Angelis:	Thank you for the compliment about real moments.  It is one of
my favorite books that I have written.  Are you referring to an affair?


Blazerbarb:	No - just whether or not he really loved me?


Barbara De Angelis:	Are you divorced?

 
Blazerbarb:	No - married 14 yrs he had a female soul mate friend.


Barbara De Angelis:	This is getting complicated.  I really suggest you get  "Ask 
Barbara" and read the questions about flirting, friendships, emotional affairs and 
dishonesty.  I think the answers will help you and i wish you all the best.  


Blazerbarb:	Thank you. I'm looking fortward to it.


Dob107:	 Mid 40's, married 25 years and seem to have this restlessness about my
life, like to be around different people with different interests. Seems hubby and 
I are drifting apart and I don't seem to care.  I really think he is oblivious to 
my feelings.  Is this common?  

 
Barbara De Angelis:	The question is not if it is common.  It is happening to you and
that is what you should care about.  There is alot going on here.  You sound 
pissed off though you may not show it in obvious ways.


Dob107:	 Yes, hidden anger.


Barbara De Angelis:	I suggest a deep reexamination of your marriage.  Which although
scarey has the potential to re-birth it to a whole new level of love.  


Dob107:	Thanks. 


Postrain:	Do your books deal with low self esteem and how to rebuild it,
especially during meno? 


Barbara De Angelis:	All my books help with low self esteem, meno or not.  

 
ALLYoooppp:	I was married at 20 (too young?) & 13 years later am not happy, 
& I find myself wishing I were single and I could date others. Is this normal and 
will it work itslef out? 


Barbara De Angelis:	Without sounding glib, there is a solution for that and it is called 
DIVORCE. That's the problem of getting married when you do not know who
you are.  Buy "Are you the one for me"  to really find out what you need and if 
you are compatible with each other.  


Ofra 1:	 Was just going to say John Gray is a women hater, I burned his book. 
WE ARE VERY SIMILAR TO MEN.

Barbara De Angelis:	I wish John well; however, when he says stuff like women are 
naturally more attracted to doing things like cleaning and cooking, I think he is 
talking about what he wished I would have done.  I don't know about you, but 
when I come home from work I don't think to myself, "I just can't wait to scrub 
that toilet spotless." Guess I must be from Mars.  I think a lot of men like that 
book because it makes them right and women like it because it gives them an excuse 
to not have to confront.  It makes things easy.  


Ofra 1:	            {{{{{{{{{{{Barbara}}}}}}}}}}}

 
Dearest:   	Thank you for your contribution, Ofra. 


Barbara De Angelis:	Thank you to everybody for being here.  
		Better than the Super Bowl Haha!


Dearest:   	Gals, we're going to have to stop here. 
Barbara, thanks for sharing this time with us tonight, and for fielding our questions 
about love, and how to keep it alive in our personal relationships at a time in life 
when it seems more difficult than usual :)

We hope you return to Power Surge again	very soon, and wish you the best of luck with
your new book, and with all future endeavors you may undertake :)


Barbara De Angelis:	I'd like to leave you with a quote that ties in with some of your 
questions and to menopause "Out of every crisis, comes a chance to be reborn" --
And isn't it nice to know we are not traveling alone.


Dearest:   	Thanks, Barbara. It was such a pleasure having you join us tonight
                         in Power Surge :)


Barbara De Angelis:	Love and Blessings to everybody.  


Dearest:   	Same to you, Barbara :) 


Cinda:	        Thanks for being here Barbara

Syrndipity:	Thanks Barbara!!!!

Mardi44:	"Applause"

Cinda:	        {{{{{{Barbara}}}}}}}}  clap, clap, clap

LMossholde:	Great guest.. loved the comment about toilets.

Postrain:	Thanks Barbara

Redfencer:	thanks Barbara

MVMeckel:       Thank you 

Blazerbarb:	Thank you Barbara

Dob107:         Thanks

Sue Lacy:	thank you Barbara

Syrndipity:	{S applause

TnkPositiv:     Thanks so much

SharonaR:	Thanks Barbara.  Love Real Moments

Jean:           Thanks Barbara

Blazerbarb:     Thank you

MARCEY B:	Thanks for coming

Ofra 1:	        Thank you!  

GET7339:	Thanks Barbara!!!!!!!

Mardi44:	please come back again, Barbara!!!

Lori4hlth:	That was wonderful Barbara!

Calantmind:	Thank you Barbra

ArtMom3:	Thank you Barbara

MBarr227:	THANKS

ALLYoooppp:	Thanks!!!

GiGiFillie:	Thanks so much

Z J Gragg:	Thank you!

Heyjuge:	enjoyed very much Barbara!!!!

Mettaphor:	Yeah, she was great! Fantastic chat tonight!

MBarr227:	Thanks for another great chat.

Sue Lacy:	thank you dearest....you're the best!

B jayi:	        Thanks Dearest for a great guest!  Nite all! 


Dearest:   	Thanks to everyone for coming tonight and asking such great 
questions :) Goodnight all. 



Read Dr. Barbara De Angelis' second transcript



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