(Mira Kirshenbaum's 4th visit to Power Surge) Dearest: My guest tonight is MIRA KIRSHENBAUM, internationally bestselling, prize-winning author or co-author of eleven books. Her books are available in over fifteen languages. They are all based on presenting the best solutions people have found to the problems many of us struggle with. Two of her books, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay," and The Emotional Energy Factor were two-time finalists in the Psychology category for the National Books for A Better Life Award. Mira is currently Clinical Director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston and has dedicated her life to her research and writing, her workshops and one-on-one help. What's special about her work is that Mira has shown that whatever problem someone is trying to solve in life, someone else has found good answers to it. Hers is a highly pragmatic approach, but it has the virtue of providing custom-tailored, effective, doable solutions. The author of numerous best-selling books, including, "Women And Love", "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay", "The Gift Of A Year," "The Emotional Energy Factor: The Secrets High-Energy People Use to Beat Emotional Fatigue" and her newest which we will discuss tonight. Mira has appeared on the Today Show, has been featured on a 20/20 Prime-Time Special, and has been taped at her home for an appearance on the Oprah Show. Mira's newest book was published August 3rd (Harmony Books) -- "Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives." Mira, it's truly a pleasure to welcome you back to Power Surge :) Mira Kirshenbaum: I couldn't be happier to be here for my fourth visit. And by the way, I'm in my eighth year of menopause. Dearest: And I couldn't be happier to have you back :) LOL... we all have that in common, too - menopause! Mira, this may sound like either a very simplistic question, or one that would take hours or even weeks to answer -- but how would you define the commonly used expression, "Everything happens for a reason?" Mira Kirshenbaum: We all have the sense that the bad stuff that happens to us isn't purely negative. That would make life feel too cruel, and it just doesn't feel right either. We all have a sense that there's a meaning to the things that happen to us and that for every negative there's some positive. Believe me, I don't know the mystery of the universe, but it really feels as though the universe was trying to teach us lessons and give us gifts that we very much need, and it does this through the events in our lives. Dearest: Mira, you've been a guest of Power Surge numerous times. I'm familiar with your history. To many, it would be astonishing that one who has gone through the personal experiences and witnessed the tragedies you have could have such a positive attitude. Would you share some of those experiences of the small four year old girl clutching the doll -- and how you managed to find the true meaning of *those* events of your childhood? Mira Kirshenbaum: I'm a child of Holocaust survivors. Except for my parents, everyone in my family was killed by the Nazis. I lived in a refugee camp until I was four. But the whole time I was growing up I remember talking to God and asking him to explain to me what all this meant for me. But it took me years to discover the true of this for me. Dearest: Does everyone have the capacity to find the true meaning of the events of their lives - even the tragedies? Mira Kirshenbaum: Yes! It may take a while, specially if you've gone through something really tough. But the reason I wrote my new book EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON was to learn from people who'd found the reason for what they'd gone through. I have questions in every chapter that can help you immediately determine the meaning of some event in your life. Marie1088: I have had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for over 34 years, it went undiagnosed 22 years. Now the meno and hot flashes mess up my much needed sleep. It's hard to cope but I'm managing without HRT. My life is a struggle every day. Now I'm 57 and no better. Mira Kirshenbaum: I don't know you, of course. But I'm totally confident that there is some gift for you within the struggle you've gone through. Marie1088: I believe that too. I don't feel strong and wonder what my life would have been without CFS. Mira Kirshenbaum: Maybe, for example, all this has been to make you a much stronger person than you would have been otherwise. Goodheart: Menopausal women have tremendous need for emotional energy. Does that mean that we have tremendous emotional and physical "debt" at menopause to rectify our lives and why? Mira Kirshenbaum: There are ten reasons. Here they are:
Dearest: Thank you, Mira. Stel0324: Mira, I've had a hard life. Depression, Fibromyalgia and other medical problems. I had to quit my job and went on disability. How can I find something positive in this suffering? Mira Kirshenbaum: I don't want to just tell you to read my book, but all the answers are in there. I can tell you this though. Everyone who discovered the good that came out of the bad things that happened to them realized that it was to help them become their best, most authentic self. Dearest: Mira, when one is suffering (and a great deal), how can they find their best, authentic self? The "best" is not what they're experiencing. In short, every lemon may not be able to be turned into lemonade. Mira Kirshenbaum: We all know stories of people who've gone through great suffering and discovered, for example, that they had a mission to help others going through the same thing. Or perhaps they discovered that through the purifying fire of their difficulties they'd become a much better person than they would have been otherwise. Or perhaps this experience revealed strengths that would never have been revealed otherwise. What I've learned is that there's always a little lemonade in every lemon. We owe it to ourselves to find that lemonade. Even if the lemon is still there. Dearest: Glad to see you made it. You mentioned "forgiveness" before. Isn't forgiveness one of the most powerful emotions one can experience - isn't it tremendously freeing? Mira Kirshenbaum: Yes. Forgiveness. Sometimes the person it's most important for us to forgive is ourselves. And when you find forgiveness as people often do when they explore the meaning of an event in their lives, it's as if a tremendous weight has been lifted. Dearest: I read a quote once and I've never forgotten it - I think it applies here, too... it goes, "Holding onto anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Mira Kirshenbaum: I wrote that! And it's so true. Dearest: You wrote that? I'm not surprised. LOL. I couldn't remember where I read it, but it's very powerful. Mira Kirshenbaum: Now, forgiveness might not be the meaning of your life event, but but it's always great. I wrote that quote in my book THE EMOTIONAL ENERGY FACTOR. KATIEDARLIN: I suffer from panic disorder and have panic attacks daily, with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). So there is a lesson for me to learn and a gift to get from all this? I have not got it yet. Mira Kirshenbaum: It takes people a long time. But the best way to begin is to orient yourself to believing that there's more to your being on this earth than your suffering. KATIEDARLIN: I guess forgiving myself is a start. Thank you. Mira Kirshenbaum: If you truly believe that there's a gift or a lesson for you, you will find it. Or you could answer the questions in EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Or maybe there's someone else you need to forgive. PeriGal: The excerpts from your book ring true for me. My grandmother passed away last month, she lived her last 20 odd years as a victim and martyr. My mother is the same way, only the negativity and martyrdom have reached new proportions. Besides giving my mom a copy of your book, any suggestions on how I can support her in finding the gifts in the tragedies that have beset my family? I try by example, but to no avail. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Mira Kirshenbaum: You have to clue into where she's coming from. For example, for some people it helps if you say, "Do you think God hates you or loves you? And if he loves you, don't you think he's meant for you to get something as a result of all this." Yvonne4747: Ms. Mira and Dearest, I don't have a question, but I just wanted to say it is an honor to read your words of wisdom. I am so emotional now I am crying, can't stop crying. I loved what you said about finding the lemonade even if the lemon is still there. Hugs. Thanks so much. Dearest: Awww.. don't cry, Yvonne. Tomorrow is always another day. Mira Kirshenbaum: Now you're making me cry. Thank you for your loving words. Yvonne4747: Thanks Frankie999: I lost my husband, age 49, from sudden heart attack in 2001, survived and healed. Then I got diagnosed with endometrial cancer 2 years later, survived, now in throes of menopause and have no more energy to cope with anxiety, panic, etc. Is there some insight here for me? Mira Kirshenbaum: I wish I could tell you how many women found strength they never knew they had as they went through difficulties they'd never thought they'd have to face. Frankie999: I know I am a survivor, but little time in between the blow to recoup these days. Mira Kirshenbaum: If you leave yourself open to seeing your strengths, then years from now when you look back you'll see the story of your life as one of growing strength, not of loss. JULIE_11: I have been off and on antidepressants most of my life. I seem to have so many things happening to me these past few years. So many surgeries and so much pain. My body feels like it is falling apart. How can I overcome all this and feel better about myself? Mira Kirshenbaum: One of my favorite quotes is: "In a dark time, the eye begins to see." But to see you have to look. Actually finding that you can finally accept yourself for who you are is one of the ten reasons found for the difficult events of their life. But let's not let all this talk about meaning prevent us from getting on with the business of nourishing our emotional energy. Dearest: Mira, can you explain what your seven-step method to overcome fear is? Mira Kirshenbaum: That is a series of easy to answer questions and with each question your fear shrinks. For example, the first question is: what am I really afraid of? Sometimes when we zero in on our real fear, instead of just being filled with nameless dread, the fear seems much more manageable. There are six more questions and with each answer you'll feel less fear. SaraE: The past two years have been pretty stressful, i.e. mother was ill and has early Alzheimer's, getting married, lost my job, etc., in addition to what my ob/gyn has called early menopause, but I have always considered myself to be a strong and positive person. Now, however, it doesn't seem to matter what my mind says, my body doesn't follow. Do you have any suggestions that would help? I find it difficult just to get through the day. Mira Kirshenbaum: We really have to listen to what our body is saying. It may be that if your body is saying stop, there's a deep wisdom in that. We all go through periods in our lives where we need to lie fallow. And it's too bad that our bodies are dragged in to make this happen. But if you're needing to pause in your life, then that's what you have to give yourself permission to do. Dearest: I'm going to ask something personal (which I don't often do) - but I'm dealing with a 92 year old mother who fell down the stairs 8 months ago, had hip surgery, will never be the same, needs constant care. My father passed away a few months later. I'm running back and forth trying to be a co-caregiver. I've put on weight and seem to find comfort in eating. My life is out of order and I can't seem to find much positive except in the work I do and knowing I'm helping my mother - who's probably in better health than I am right now. What do you suggest? Mira Kirshenbaum: This is quite a load to be put on your shoulders. Dearest: It hasn't been an easy time. Mira Kirshenbaum: But we often think of the loads we bear as something being taken from us. Let me ask you: Is there any way at all that you can think of there being a gift in this, or an opportunity emerging from this? Dearest: Well, to me the gift of "helping" has always been special, but when one puts herself last - I think there's a lesson to be learned from that. Mira Kirshenbaum: You nailed it! Maybe once you go through this next period you'll see that you're done with dedicating your life to helping others. Maybe the gift here is to finally release you to give yourself permission to take care of yourself and really enjoy your life once all this is over. Dearest: Thank you, Mira. That was a powerful thought and I will ponder it and, hopefully, work on it. TiddyTi: How long does it take to be able to see something positive from suffering or grief? I lost my 18 year old son. Dearest: So sorry, TiddyTi. Mira Kirshenbaum: I'm sorry also. I've never lost a child, but I know many people in your situation. A friend of my husband's lost his son three years ago. At first you're numb. You may be obsessed with your loss or lost in distraction. But in my experience, and I've been a therapist for thirty years, within about three years something will click and you find yourself surging in some new direction. Nothing can make up for the loss of someone we love. But there are always losses in life. The challenge is to find that little crack of a window that's been opened when the huge door slammed shut. Broomstix: As we search for the reason behind everything (I do believe there is more for me on this earth than my suffering), what do you suggest a person do to survive -- to find enough meaning *daily* or the in-between of the bigger truth behind it all? That is, to survive the days or hours in which you don't feel a sense of purpose or belonging in the world? Too often, (maybe once a day?) the only reason I can find to not kill myself is because it would emotionally scar people I love, but that does not make the depression or sense of void and desperation I feel go away. It just keeps me alive for another day -- and I want to do more than survive. I want to feel purpose in my life. What could I do to help claim a sense of purpose that goes a step beyond survival? (Is there an exercise or affirmation, something to get through the really bad hours, something I could apply tomorrow when I am alone and will most likely feel this way?) Thank you Mira Kirshenbaum: Imagine that you're standing up there in church delivering the eulogy at your own funeral. And you're saying, "Broomstix was a terrific woman. See had such a burden to carry through life. We'll never know how hard it was for her. But in spite of it all she was amazing because she managed to..."What? Broomstix: survive? Mira Kirshenbaum: What would make you proud or pleased to be saying that you had done it if you were delivering your own eulogy? DO THAT! You know, maybe knowing yourself from the inside saying you survived is what would make you proudest. Broomstix: I see your point and thank you. I'll apply it. NUFONE: What do you do about the loneliness of a marriage that is still good, but the spouse cannot understand my feelings, or how do I understand his? I have talked to him about this to no avail (also both hubby and myself have been laid off for more than 6 months. With only a few weeks of work, it's very stressful) Mira Kirshenbaum: Have you ever not been lonely in this marriage? NUFONE: No. We have had a good marriage. Its just slowly gotten like this. Lots of reasons, too long to go into. Mira Kirshenbaum: If you've had a good marriage but you're lonely now, then you have the foundation you need for making things better. You may need to forgive each other and make a pact not to have conversations where you blame each other. Agree to have listening sessions where one of you talks and the other just listens so that one of you at a time has a chance to get everything off your chest. Each of you write down three things that make you feel close to the other. THEN DO ALL OF THEM. NUFONE: I will try that, but still very hard to talk about stuff without ending in argument. Dearest: Mira, what if you examine the events of your life to find out why everything happens for a reason and you don't like what you discover? Mira Kirshenbaum: Good question. I've never seen that happen. The reasons for the events in our lives are there and they're always positive. It's just that it can take time to find them. That was the big discovery I made in the course of writing EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON: I saw that the universe is ultimately a nourishing place for each of us. KMF: I have not yet read your book. Are you saying that looking at an event in a positive way along with forgiveness promotes better health and happiness? I'm looking forward to reading it as I feel I am in need of the wisdom offered. Menopause symptoms have been very difficult. Mira Kirshenbaum: Well, finding forgiveness is just one of the ten reasons for the events in our life. But, yes, looking at an event in a positive way absolutely promotes health and happiness. It's not that the glass is either half full or half empty. It's that even that when you know the glass is half empty you can remind yourself to look at the way it's also half full. Marie1088: My parents are in their 80's. Is it awful to hope my mom who is so needy to pass first? My dad does everything for her, we all know she couldn't live alone. Mira Kirshenbaum: It's not awful at all. I think you know the situation better than anyone in the world. And you have a deep insight into what would be best for everyone. Trust your goodness. Dearest: Mira, much of what you're saying sounds like saying, "Don't be so hard on yourself." Is that accurate? Mira Kirshenbaum: I wish I could take every woman in the world in my arms and tell her, "Please don't be so hard on yourself." Eileen: My son had a diving accident and I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress syndrome in 1997, the same time menopause began. I have done much research and feel my symptoms are menopausal. It has been 6 years and symptoms much the same. How do I know what I am suffering from? Mira Kirshenbaum: I'm not a physician. You should get yourself checked out. But most of us are suffering from life. We just have so much to deal with. And the emotional pain and stress we feel is the result of all we're carrying around. But it sure helps a lot to feel that there's some meaning in what you're going through. Eileen: I feel like I am in a box and can't get out. Mira Kirshenbaum: No matter how dark the tunnel is, there's light at the end of it. A box is a feeling. A metaphor. YOU ARE NOT IN A BOX. Dearest: Mira, doesn't attitude - how one looks at life in general - play a very large part in how they interpret the events of their life? In short, it's not always so much what happens to us, but how we react to what happens? Mira Kirshenbaum: Absolutely. Yes. It's all about who you are as a person and your development as a human being. But I have to say that talking about attitude can leave the impression that some people have the right attitude, and some don't. Dearest: Mira, thanks for another inspirational, informative and stimulating chat about "real life." You've given us food for thought about the events that happen in life and how best to cope with them. I've loved all your books :) I highly recommend Mira Kirshenbaum's new book, Everything Happens For A Reason: Finding The True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives. Also, visit Mira's Web sites at www.MiraKirshenbaum.com and www.EverythingHappensForAReason.org Mira Kirshenbaum: Thank you all so so much for your gifts of honesty. by Power Surge. All Rights Reserved.
- to help you feel at home in the world.
- to help you totally accept yourself
- to show you that you can let go of fear
- to help you find forgiveness
- to reveal a hidden talent
- to help you find true love
- to help you become stronger
- to show you how to get pleasure from life.
- to show you what your mission is
- to help you become a really good person.