Dearest: My guest tonight is Dr. Alice Domar, Psychologist and Director of The Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Harvard Medical School. Dr. Domar will discusses her newest book, Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself As Effectively As You Care for Everyone Else." Dr. Domar, welcome. Are little girls "taught" to be caregivers in their formative years? Dr. Alice Domar: I think that it's a combination of genetics where little girls are naturally caregivers and social pressure to be caregivers. People get nervous when they see little boys lovingly caring for toys. That's not the case for little girls. Dearest: Is it true that most women mistake self-nurturing for selfishness? Dr. Alice Domar: Absolutely. I think that its is very hard for women to discriminate between selfishness and self-care. Most women live in fear of being labeled selfish and this gets in the way for all of us to keep ourselves heathly psychologically and mentally. Dearest: Do you think women have problems with understanding selfishness? In short, how does a woman learn to become self-caring, self-nurturing or selfish? Perhaps "selfish" is the wrong word. Dr. Alice Domar: I am very uncomfortable with the word selfish. When we conjure up images of selfishness we conjure up images of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Imelda Marcos. In fact, appropriate self-care will make one a better partner, mother, daughter, friend employee, etc. If we don't practice adequate self-care we tend to get irritable and resentful which isn't good for anyone. Patti: How do you begin to reinvent yourself after the kids are grown and you find it hard to see yourself in any other role. I have a successful career but find myself grieving over the loss of the day to day Mothering role. Dr. Alice Domar: Patti, I think that a common mistake that women make is assuming that in order to change they have to "reinvent themselves". Human nature is not that flexible and in the book Self Nurture we very purposefully so that it would take a year to become a self-nurturing person. So, Patti, if one of your strengths is self-nurturing, you might start your self-nurture year by thinking of ways to keep to keep that concept alive. Even if your kids don't need to be cared for, maybe someone else's do. The idea here is to think about what YOU need and to follow some of those dreams. Patti: Thanks. I ordered your book today and I am looking forward to reading it. Thanks Dr. Alice Domar: I think you're a really smart lady :) Patti: =0) Turburd: Any examples of self nurturing for us? Dr. Alice Domar: In which area of your life? In your body? Significant relationship? Family and friends? Job? Spirituality? Leisure time? Turburd: Marriage, Reconnecting with spouse as children grow up Dr. Alice Domar: There are lots of different ways. One is what we call the "Kindness List". You and your partner write down independently 20 things that you can each do for each other when you're having a bad day. So this way if you come home and your spouse had a bad day, you can look at his list and know exactly what to do to make him feel better. And vice versa. It takes away the need to mind read during times of crisis. Another thing you can do is spice up your sex life. That's called "Mindful Sex" When you've been married for a while, sex can get boring. Mindful sex sex means no talking and focusing on your sensations. What can you see? What can you hear? What can you feel? What can you smell? Another thing you can do with your spouse is get silly. One of the best parts of courting or dating is how silly people can be when they're in love. Try to recapture that. Have a snowball fight, rent a Three Stooges movies, think about what made you laugh when you were dating. Dearest: What about auto-eroticism (masturbation)? In a world of so many single, divorced and widowed women, would that fall into the self-nurturing category? Dr. Alice Domar: Sure. We talk about that in the Self Nurture book. That's under Nurturing your Body. That can be very self nurturing. What better way to be self nurturing than to give yourself pleasure? Dearest: Thank you, Dr. Domar. Guest46: What's are some examples of job self nurturing? Dr. Alice Domar: There are lots of things to do. Every Monday morning, buy yourself one lily for your desk so that the office smells wonderful all week. For lunch hour - walk for half an hour and eat for half an hour. By exercising then you'll be much more productive and feel better. Take advantage of potential social support at work, especially other women. Dearest: "Self-Nurture" is divided into a year of seasonal themes, starting with winter, which represents a time of "primal self-care." Why did you choose to divide the book into seasons? Dr. Alice Domar: We chose to do that because people are loathe to make big changes suddenly and we thought by breaking it up into seasons women would be more likely to actually integrate new self nurture skills into their lives. On the other hand, we say in the introduction that every chapter is completely independent of every other chapter, which means that if you're in a crisis with your marriage, you should start with the relationship chapter first. If you cringe every time you see your body naked in the mirror, you should start with the Body chapter, etc. Dearest: Scenario: a woman in menopause comes into your office, exhausted from her work, from caring for her elderly parents, from the discomfort of menopause, from the responsibilities of grown children, grandchildren, not having a vacation. What is the first recommendation you make? Dr. Alice Domar: Sit down :) I think that I would advocate mini-relaxation techniques which are breathing exercises that immediately reduce stress and make her feel more in control. Next, I would actually give her a relaxation audiotape and advise her to listen to it once a day with the knowlege that after about 2 weeks of this, her base level level of anxiety will come down. Then we can talk about coping skill acquisition. There is a list of tapes at the back of the Self Nurture book. Dearest: I just noticed the description of all the audio tapes is in the back of the book. I recommend everyone buy this excellent book, Self-Nurture... and I'll include the names and where to obtain the tapes in the transcript. Travisoma: This is the menopause chat right? I am more forgetful recently, i am having hot flashes and wake up in the night. But i don't want to take hormones. i was saliva tested and my estrogen is at post menopausal levels, but i am still having a period every three or four months. will any of these symptoms cause any long term problems? Dearest: Please remember that Dr. Domar is not a medical doctor, but has worked successfully with many menopausal patients. Dr. Alice Domar: The least publicized problem in menopause is that hot flashes at night cause sleep deprivation which, in turn, causes numerous physical and psychological problems. If you don't want to go on HRT, there are a number of things that you can do to improve your sleep. Keep the temperature in your bedroom as cool as possible. Wear only light cotton bedclothes, light cotton blankets. Avoid caffeine, spicy food and alcohol in the evenings. Also, you can try listening to a relaxation tape before you go to bed. Current research suggests that insomnia from hot flashes is a major contributor to depression during menopause. Rhonda: Why do we as women tend to make ourselves guilty about spending time on ourselves, and how do we go about overcoming that guilt? Dr. Alice Domar: Excellent question. I think we've been programmed since childhood that a female's role is to care for others, which is wrong. A female's role is to care for everyone, including herself. One way to start feeling less guilty is to actually examine what you're saying to yourself. Force yourself to think: What thought patterns are going through my head? 90% of the thought patterns we have of ourselves are negative and the vast majority are not true. They either stem from something someone said a long time ago or it's our fear speaking. Dearest: I found a statement in your book particularly compelling -- that in your work with women who are stressed-out, burned-out or suffering with illness, that you have never met a woman who has convincingly told you that she loves or is comfortable with her body. Can you share more with us about this? TinLizzy25: Thanks for the comments about hot flashes and sleep. I thought it was just me. Dr. Alice Domar: I think one of the most amazing things, for me, was a couple years ago, Vogue did a profile on me and a number of celebrities came to see me. These women had perfect faces, perfect bodies, according to current fashion ideals, yet they were just as dissatisfied with their looks as if they weighed 200 pounds. Women's struggles with perfectionism, especially with their weight, are a tremendous concern especially given the eating disorders of adolescents. I ask my patients to look at themselves in the mirror to find one thing that they like about their body, rather that the 88 things that they hate. TinLizzy25: Excellent point!! Dr. Alice Domar: What is so ironic is that men are much less perfectionist about women's bodies. They don't focus on the flaws of a woman's body, nearly as much as the women does. In study after study, men consistently express a preference for curves, yet women think that they need to be skinny in order to be appealing. Dearest: How fascinating. Could there be an irony in that some women may use "eating" as a form of self-nurturing, even to extremes? Dr. Alice Domar: Unhealthy eating is not self-nurturing. Binging is an attempt for anxiety-reduction. We actually teach the 80-20 plan of eating, so if 80% is the good stuff - fruits, vegetables, grains - the other 20% can be whatever you want. That eliminates guilt. reelpam: Any tips for me about how to stop negative thought patterns once they start? I have trouble getting back on track with self nurturing thoughts. Dr. Alice Domar: Ask yourself a series of 4 questions about each thought. 1.) Does this thought contribute to your stress? 2.) Where did you learn this thought? 3.) Is it a logical thought? 4.) Is this thought true? You can use these questions as a guide to restructuring. We can all cope with the truth. We cannot cope with how our minds twist around thoughts. reelpam: Thank you so much :) I appreciate it! Dr. Alice Domar: My pleasure :) The website is http://www.mindbody.harvard.edu for books, tapes, information on upcoming events Dearest: Tonight's guest has been Dr. Alice Domar, Psychologist and Director of The Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Harvard Medical School, discussing her newest book, Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself As Effectively As You Care for Everyone Else (Viking, Jan. 2000). Thank you for the excellent information about nurturing ourselves, and at at time when women need nurturing and support more than anything. Dr. Alice Domar: Good night everyone! Thanks for a wonderful chat and terrific questions :) Disclaimer: Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an endorsement of a guest's views. None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest. Read other transcripts by returning to the Library. Dearest aka Alice Stamm Power Surge Founder, Facilitator, Host Copyright©1994- by Power Surge. All Rights Reserved.