(Steven Carter visit #3 to Power Surge) Dearest: Steven Carter, relationship expert and author of 19 books, including the New York Times runaway bestseller, "Men Who Can't Love" ... and "He's Scared, She's Scared", "What Smart Women Know", "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves", "Getting To Commitment" and "This Is How Love Works" and his newest Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist Steven has been a frequent guest on the most popular talk shows including Oprah, Politically Correct, The Today Show, Good Morning America and writes for national publications on a regular basis..... Steven Carter: Everything? Dearest: Almost everything? :) Steven Carter: :) Dearest: Steven, welcome back to Power Surge. Is the reality of finding or having a loving partnership more difficult in today's fast-paced, stressful society where so many people are more work-oriented than focused on nurturing or even finding loving relationships? Steven Carter: I think it has become so very difficult. But, I think one of the most difficult things is the fact that we are single longer and longer. So good at being single, in fact, that we have a very hard time being UN-single. Who would have ever thought that those skills we perfected waiting for someone loving to come along would actually get in the way of a partnership? And that is really the core of THIS IS HOW LOVE WORKS. It's a book about learning to partner again. Dearest: What is the difference between a relationship and a partnership? Steven Carter: I think a relationship is what happens when you find someone. But a partnership is something entirely different. A partnership happens when you are connecting in an ongoing way, a very specific way. Partnership skills are learned skills. Anyone can be in a relationship, but a lot of people don't know how to create a partnership. Dearest: Thank you, Steven. Diana, go ahead. diana48: I was wondering if going through the menopause/hysterectomy might make it to where I don't want a relationship or partnership. Steven Carter: I think a lot of things can bring you to the point of questioning whether or not you want a relationship or a partnership. This is a lot of work we're talking about. It is work with a purpose, but it is still work. A lot of people are not "up for it," at least, that's the way they feel right now. But then, bing!, someone comes along and it starts again. So be prepared for that "bing"! Dearest: Is there some magic moment at which the "couple" becomes "WE" and no longer "ME?" Or is that part of the evolution of the relationship ---> partnership? Steven Carter: I think that happens in increments. But that's why you have to learn how to prioritize "we". You have to learn about we language, we actions, and we behavior, and start integrating that. I tell people to create a daily dose of we. A ritual of "we" experience or language that makes your partner know that you are not living in the "I". "We" doesn't happen in an afternoon, and it's not supposed to happen in an afternoon. harper: In this modern society, how do we learn to bond with all the fear of co- dependence? Steven Carter: I think it is very important that you are actively working through your issues of co-dependence. But I also see many more examples of something very different. A fierce independence that leaves no room for compromise. In some ways, that scares me more because the fiercely independent don't let other people "in". That ferocity has a lot of anger behind it. Still...co-dependency is a critical relationship issue and that can lead to a lot of anger too, because underneath all of that caretaking is a person who craves the same thing in return. And when they do not get that, they are very angry. Dearest: So you correlate strong feelings of independence with anger? What about if people are afraid due to past failed relationships? Steven Carter: Another mechanism that drives "independence". Understand that so many things can lead to the same place. There is certainly such a thing as healthy independence. There is also such a thing as healthy inter-dependence. I am always looking for the hidden sub-text. I am always looking for things that are underneath the attitude. I consider myself very independent, but I also have room in my life for connection and I know many others who are like this. Yet I also meet so many men and women who are all attitude and underneath that attitude is a painful history that has not been reconciled. Has not been confronted. Has not been in a therapeutic environment. Lots of men and women are "swinging wild" with their emotional history. And believe me that it creates huge roadblocks to connection. Dearest: Thanks, Steven. Diana, go ahead. diana48: From your point of view, do Men want partnerships? My experience is Men want me to do all the work, what would you suggest in order for women to find out? Steven Carter: I think there are all kinds of men, and I don't want to generalize. Yes, some men just want a mommy, Yes, some men just want a secretary, Yes, some men just want a concubine, But there are also a lot of men--more and more all the time--who want something more healthy. You are not going to find this in every man you meet, but these men exist in large numbers. But here's the problem. These men are not always the "obvious ones". They are not always the charismatic ones. They are not the ones who stand out in the crowd because they are healthier, so many women don't notice these men. They drive right past these men on their way to getting clobbered by a more charismatic man. And let me add this...Men may WANT a housekeeper for a partner, but that doesn't mean they can't be very happy with a loving, equal partner. Sometimes, it is up to you to not fall into the trap, to hold your ground, understanding that you have so many other things to offer. Dearest: So, would it be fair to say that many people are looking for the wrong partners? by Power Surge. All Rights Reserved.