Dearest: Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. has gained the reputation of being one of the most popular and influential teachers of our time in the field of relationships and personal growth. As a best-selling author, popular television personality and sought after motivational speaker, Dr. De Angelis has reached millions of people with her positive messages about love, happiness and the search for meaning in life. Dr. De Angelis has hosted her own TV shows on CBS and CNN, a special for PBS, wrote and produced the award winning infomercial Making Love Work, and has been a frequent guest countless TV shows including Oprah, The Today Show, Good Morning America, Geraldo, and Politically Incorrect. Barbara is the author of 13 best-selling books (selling over 8 million copies) including the #1 New York Times bestsellers, "Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know," "Are You The One For Me," "Real Moments," "Chicken Soup for the Couples' Soul".
Barbara's most recent book is "How Did I Get Here? Finding Your Way To Renewed Hope And Happiness When Life And Love Take Unexpected Turns."
We live in uncertain, turbulent and disturbing times of profound change. Americans are faced with more emotional stress in these first years of the 21st century than we have seen for decades. We've all asked ourselves at one time or another, "How did I get here?" -- whether because of disappointments in love, crises in health, family or finances, professional dissatisfaction, or events beyond your control, life doesn't look like you expected or intended it to.
In HOW DID I GET HERE?, Barbara De Angelis explains that the result of these challenges in our outer world is that many of us find ourselves at emotional and spiritual crossroads. HOW DID I GET HERE? offers illuminating teachings and practical, innovative techniques that free us to move forward into a life of renewed optimism, true contentment and courageous awakening.
Barbara, it's a pleasure to welcome you back to Power Surge after too long an absence. We're informal here, so I hope you don't mind if we address you by your first name.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Thank you Dearest and hello Goddesses. I am thrilled to be here with you tonight in this Power Surge chat.
And you can call me anything!
Dearest: And we're thrilled you're here, too!
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: I love woman and I love supporting women to be as powerful and happy as possible.
Dearest: Barbara, in "How Did I Get Here?" in your chapter called, "Getting Lost on the Way To Happiness," you use an excellent quote by Thoreau -- "Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." I don't think there's a larger group of people than women going through menopause, Power Surge's main subject, who feel lost, confused, uncomfortable and trying to find our way out of what, for many, is a very uncomfortable situation physically, spiritually and emotionally. Can you share your thoughts about how going through this tumultuous midlife transition and feeling lost (often for years) will assist us in finding ourselves?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Great question. In one chapter of HOW DID I GET HERE? I talk about how midlife crisis is really not a good term. Crisis actually comes from the Greek word and means a reordering.
When we are in the midst of profound changes in our bodies, we are also going through profound emotional and spiritual changes. We are truly being reborn, coming into our power time..but, we have to know how to navigate through this process. I wrote HDIGH (short for "How Did I Get Here?") because I myself was in the midst of a powerful emotional and spiritual rebirth which included a lot of loss, letting go and reevaluation, and I realized many of us don't know how to navigate through these times without feeling: GUILTY, LIKE WE ARE CRAZY, CONFUSED OR AFRAID.
So HDIGH is really a manual for those of us in the midst of powerful transformation. It is the most important and powerful book I have written, and the response from women has been overwhelming!
Dearest: Thank you, Barbara. It's always comforting to know our guest understands what we're going through :)
MandM: Please explain male menopause, if there is such a thing. Thank you.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Thanks... We have all heard about male menopause from the medical example..lower testosterone, etc. But I think something else is going on. I call it in my book WAKING UP A STRANGER IN YOUR OWN LIFE (page 86). A lot of men have mapped out their life with goals. I will get this job, get married, have kids, make this kind of money etc. And they get to a point at a certain age when they look around at their life and achievements and think, "IS THIS IT?" I am not happy or fulfilled as I think I should be. I am missing something. "HOW DID I GET HERE?"
It isn't that they are not happy with you, but more with themselves, what they have or haven't achieved. Men are more isolated than we are, remember only one in 20 men has a close male friend in whom they confide, so they aren't great at inner work. So when they come to an emotional crossroads they often just stand there and stare!
I just received an email from a reader who just is reading HDIGH. He bought it last night and he said the book is explaining how he is feeling and he is so relieved to understand that he is really in the midst of a profound rite of passage, and not a midlife crisis!
Things become crises when we don't understand what is happening to us. We need to name it properly! I.E.: POWER SURGE!!!
Dearest: :) I like that - renaming it Power Surge :)
Twinkleb: My partner is seriously ill, and it is very difficult day to day. I want to continue to be his rock. Any suggestions? Thank you
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Hi Twinkle. I know what that is like. My Mom went through that for five years and felt like she was just drained, giving and giving.
First of all, I know you know that you don't have to be his rock. Rocks are hard. You need to be his ocean of love, and love has room for everything -- for frustration and sweetness, for hope and sadness, for laughter and tears.
If you try to be PERFECT, you will crack like a rock. Be more pliable and you will move with the tides of whatever is happening. I talk in HDIGH about times when our world is thrown upside down and if we expect ourselves to deal with it perfectly, we will suffer. You need to be AUTHENTIC -- not perfect. And make sure you reach out to other people in your situation. There are great groups for caregivers
I send you blessings for love to surround you both in this time.
Twinkleb: That is beautiful. I will try. Thank you so very much. God bless you.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: The book has some suggestions that might help.
Dearest: Why is it so difficult for men to talk openly about their feelings? It would make life so much easier if they did.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: This is a long long story which I have written about extensively in SECRETS ABOUT MEN EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW. It goes back to thousands of years of programming. Men don't think or express themselves like we do and never will in our lifetime. They edit, suppress, mull things over and try to get answers rather than PROCESS. This kind of chat would drive them nuts! LOL They like to "get to the point!"
Women like to share. We intuitively know it is healing, and that the point IS the process.
ShielaJK: I had the wonderful opportunity to meet you Barbara with The Young Presidents Organization onboard the QE2. You made such an impact on me and that was many years ago! Does your new book address issues that we are facing in the "sandwich" generation of caring for spouses, children and aging parents?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Hi Sheila. I have such wonderful memories of that cruise! I haven't done much YPo lately except for a singles group and a couples group in Wisconsin. Would love to do more.
Yes, I do address those issues in the book, particularly about how our lives don't look as we expected them to. This kind of thing forces us to truly ask difficult questions like "WHO AM I?", "WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?", "AM I LIVING THE LIFE I AM MEANT TO?", "WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO FEEL FREE AND HAPPY?" I call this in the book Digging Deep for Wisdom.
Dearest: I'd like to expand on Sheila's question about aging parents. As many of us age, we may find ourselves in the role of caregiving elderly parents. The emotions and physical exhaustion can be overwhelming. How does one balance one's personal life with the responsibility of caring for an elderly relative?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: You have to remember that a lot of what is happening regarding caring for the parents isn't just physical fatigue. It is heavy processing of difficult emotions. Inside we are dealing with painful questions: Was I a good daughter? Was my mother happy in her life? Did she get everything she dreamed of? Was she disappointed in me? In her husband? In herself? All of these float around in our unconscious as we see someone facing the end of life, and they make us face our own happiness or unhappiness. This is what really plugs us in.
Again, the point of HDIGH is that we can USE these difficult times for rebirth, to go deeper into our own truth, to emerge more authentic and whole. Resisting, we will suffer and get tired, Surrendering and moving THROUGH, we will ascend!
Dearest: Is it common for the caregiver of a mother to feel somewhat guilty because she's going on with her life while she's watching her mother's demise?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Yes, it is common for women to feel guilty about just about anything in which we put ourselves first! LOL! But it is essential to understand that guilt comes from a feeling that to love and honor ourselves is somehow selfish. This is totally false. If we are divine creations, to not love and honor ourselves is the sin. Our suffering never adds to anyone else's happiness. To sit and suffer while someone is suffering doesn't make them feel better. What makes them feel better is LOVE -- our love for ourselves, for them, for the world.
Women need to learn to honor our gifts and our uniqueness and our ability to love and heal the planet. That is the best tribute to our mothers, our daughters, our sisters, our fathers, and ourselves.
At the end of HDIGH, I say: "You may not be able to do something for everyone, but you can do something for someone. Each day in some small way you can leave the world a better place than the day before..spread the love." This is a quote from the last chapter, an invitation to see ourselves as transformers.
Dearest: Thanks, Barbara. Very powerful and profound insight. I'm going through this personally and your words are enlightening and comforting.
AimeeDecorates: Do/did you feel angry about aging, and what about those of us who thought they'd magically stay 30 forever and have great difficulty coping?! Thank you.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Hi, Aimee. No, I do not feel angry about aging. I feel ecstatic about becoming wiser every day. I am not thrilled with some physical changes, but I would NEVER go back to who I was twenty years ago, or even ten.
Chapter 11 of HDIGH is called "Coming Into Your Wisdom Time" and it begins: "There is a wisdom born of having seen so much, felt so much, lost so much, learned so much, etc." I believe this is true for so many of us, and that the reason we are sometimes suffering is that we have not yet taken the time to HONOR our own wisdom gathered and collected form so many experiences. We need to welcome ourselves into our new wisdom like we would welcome a great wise sage. And we need to do this for our girlfriends and those we love.
SheriArtist1: How can I make my retirement years more meaningful and productive? Sometimes I miss not working.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Hi Sheri. There is a difference between a job and the service you are really here to do. A job is just what we may do for money, but you can make a huge difference in a thousand ways. In fact if you don't, you will feel bored and purposeless.
I think you are at what I describe in HDIGH as a crossroads when the path you mapped out has taken you to a dead end and now you aren't sure where to do because you have no map for this new road ahead of you, right? I call this Proceeding without a map (Chapter 9, I think!) You can see that I practically have my book memorized! LOL!
You have an amazing opportunity now. I offer a question in HDIGH. The question is: WHAT AM I FREE TO DO NOW? Instead of looking behind you at what no longer exists, TURN AROUND and face forward. You will see amazing new vistas, roads and magical beginnings. Just turn around :)
Dearest: Excellent. Thanks, Barbara.
I remember your wonderful infomercial, Making Love Work. So many of us were idealists about love and marriage -- and many of us have experienced divorce and disappointment. Do we simply continue trying? Did we choose the wrong people? How do we learn from the lessons of the past and move forward?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: This is a subject dear to my own heart and I wrote a lot about it in HDIGH.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: What I say is this: Do not measure yourself by what did not last -- measure yourself by how much love you gave.
Do not measure yourself by what you have lost -- measure yourself by how much your heart has grown.
You are not your past or your pain -- you are that which has emerged from the fire of your experiences.
LOVE IS NEVER LOST -- It carves your heart into beautiful shapes and makes you a diamond.
Angel0508: Dr. Barbara, I was always a carefree person never afraid of anything until this menopause hit me. Now I am afraid of myself. I am so full of fear. How can I over come this or will it go away?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Hi Angel. I understand what you are feeling and saying. It is more than the physical process. Menopause happens at the time when many of us are reevaluating our lives in many areas. I believe there are always deeper issues underneath. Parts of ourselves that we have hidden are emerging, feelings we buried are insisting on coming to the surface. Dreams we had pushed away are forcing themselves into our awareness. It is very uncomfortable. I know, I went through several years of major transformation recently. But something POWERFUL is trying to emerge, something new is trying to be born. You are in labor giving birth to yourself. Don't resist, don't be scared, just help the process and surrender. You KNOW how to do this. You are a woman. :)
Dearest: What suggestions do you have for a long-term married couple or partners to keep (or renew) the excitement and passion that was once an intrinsic part of their relationship?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Dearest, this too is a question I have written several books about and created dozens of video and audio tapes. HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL THE TIME, REAL MOMENTS FOR LOVERS are two of them books that cover in great detail!
I just found a quote in HDIGH about mourning the past which I want to share. "Sometimes we are not mourning what we've lost, but hopes and dreams that never came true. We aren't mourning was was, but what could have been, should have been."
This is in regards to many of your questions about changes in career, parents who are ill, body changes, etc. Just thought you might like that!
I have a chapter called "Mourning the Life You Thought You'd Have." I think we go through this in menopause alot! I know I have. I am 54, by the way!
Mommy-Cal: Any suggestions on coping with sleeplessness?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Well you already know the medical answers. I know when I have gone through periods of hot flashes I was a cover thrower over all night! But I have to tell you that I really feel so much of what was disturbing me was spiritual and psychological, a feeling of loss of control, a fear of what would happen next, etc. Once I just surrendered and imagined that power surges of divine energy were pouring through me preparing me for my new awakening, not only did I feel better emotionally, but my hot flashes vanished!
What we resist persists. I think like with anything, we need to stop battling our own body, our own feelings, our own changes whether emotional or physical, and LOVE ourselves. When you feel not well, say to yourself, "You are an amazing mysterious divine goddess with the fire of love and wisdom burning within you. Your new mantra.
Dearest: Barbara, what makes so many of us continually fall into the trap of sabotaging our own happiness?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: We sabotage our happiness without realizing it all the time. I call it in my book "Getting Lost on the Way TO happiness." WE do this by giving up on our own dreams in order to get approval from others.
We do this by not listening to our heart but giving in to "shoulds". I should get married by a certain age. I should stay married even if he sucks. I should have kids. They should turn out like this. I should weigh this, I should achieve this, etc.
These "shoulds" tyrannize us and after a lifetime of them, no wonder we can't sleep! Coming back to our own authenticity is a powerful process and one that will bring us tremendous peace.
AimeeDecorates: I really love your positive philosophy, but in a very practical sense, how do we find out what we want to do with our time in the future? I'm not greatly interested in anything. Thanks.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: I actually don't believe you aren't interested in anything. I think that is a simple way of saying something deeper.
Maybe you don't think you can do certain things you would like to do. Maybe you have already eliminated things because you think they are not possible.
Sometimes disinterest is a sign of despair, like we have given up. You are interested in things..here you are listening!
I bet in five minutes I could find out what would make you happy, but you can do it by yourself too. If you go to barbaradeangelis.com/howdidigethere/ you will find an free excerpt of the book which might help you understand what I mean. I think you are ready for a breakthrough, Aimee!
AimeeDecorates: Thanks! I needed that.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: You are welcome.
Dearest: Aimee, I must add that I've read your posts all over the Power Surge message boards and you come across as anything BUT someone who isn't interested in anything!
AimeeDecorates: Ha ha ha ha
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Aimee isn't disinterested, she is afraid. I understand Aimee. You have been disappointed alot.
Dearest: I read something interesting you wrote while telling a story about an attorney who was married to his work, thereby neglecting his family: "First I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. And then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was dying for my kids to grow up. And then I was dying to retire. And now, I am dying, and suddenly I realize, I forgot to live..." How do we get out of that pattern of being a workaholic and forgetting how important it is to have fun with ourselves and those around us?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: You are quoting from my book REAL MOMENTS. Good homework, Dearest!
Dearest: I try :)
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: In the past two years I have had two friends die, both in their fifties. I had to do the memorial for one and it was very sobering. I asked myself what do I say about Kathy? How do we measure a 51 year old life?
I realized after contemplating it that the only way to measure a life was in love, as they say in the musical "RENT." Measure in love. How much love did you give to others, to yourself, to those around you -- to your cats and dogs, to the trees, to God. Whatever your job or destiny or purpose or situation, you can LOVE. That is true freedom. And guess what? Someone needs your love RIGHT NOW. Tonight!
Someone needs you to call them or write them and say "Thank you for being in my life. I love you." Someone needs you to say "I am proud of you." "You are not alone. I need you."
You can make a huge difference in someone in each moment. That is true service. And you don't need to be perfect to do it.
I hope you can feel my love right now.
Dearest: Are you aware of the power of your own words?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Yes I am, because they come THROUGH me, not FROM me. I am the voice, not the source, just as we all are. The source is LOVE.
We share that common source, and that is why we are all connected in the Divine Heart. I can feel you, too.
Dearest: I don't usually do this with a guest, but you have had many ups and downs in your life - how do you keep that positive attitude when you've experienced so much of your own adversity?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: What ups and downs? HAHA
Dearest: Hahahahahaha!!
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: What could you be referring to?
Dearest: I'll name one- his initials are JG. LOL.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: My life has been perfect and stable in every way! LOL
Dearest: Hahahahaha! Many of these women weren't present at your first Power Surge chat years ago.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: I write a lot in HDIGH about my own process of defining myself not by my pain or my past, but by my ability to move forward. Here is a quote from HOW DID I GET HERE?
"IT is not how you deal with what is expected and hoped for in your life that ultimately defines and elevates you as a human being. Rather, it is how you interact with the unexpected, how you brave the unanticipated, how you navigate through the unforseen and emerge, transformed and reborn on the other side. This is what will reveal your true strength, your true greatness. This is what will make you wise."
That is from the introduction. Pretty cool, no? And I believe every word of it, that is why I wrote this book. WE are not our past. We are that which has emerged from the fire.
Dearest: So, the bottom line is not so much what happens to us, but HOW we deal with the events of our lives?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Yes, exactly. What happens is what happens. WE all have life lessons.Some painful, some joyful, but we cannot control those, we can control how we react. We can use what happens for growth and awakening. This has been my path and I believe it is the path of all of us. Things have not happened to you by accident. They are there to be useful to help your soul grow, to help your heart open, to give you compassion for yourself and for the planet.
I am so full of love and compassion because I have gone through so much, and sharing that compassion helps other people learn how to be compassionate with themselves
By the way, the word compassion contains the word PASSION. When we close off to compassion, we shut off to our own aliveness and passion. When we feel compassion, we tune in to the source of our love and become wildly passionate and IN LOVE -- in the state of love -- with or without a partner!
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: I meant. in love with or without a partner!!!
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Not happiness. typo!
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: I hope this has been helpful to you all. I am just starting an on line community called the TRANSFORMATION NETWORK because I do love this ability to be connected. So thanks, Dearest for this opportunity.
Dearest: Sounds wonderful. I hope you can incorporate Power Surge part into your Transformation Network.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: If anyone wants to be a part of anything, you can go to www.barbaradeangelis.com and fill in your email and I will send you info on everything.
Dearest: Let me ask you this -- As we age, especially while we go through the rigors of menopause and see our emotions and physical well being change so dramatically -- many of us develop a fear of illness, of becoming incapacitated, of becoming dependent upon others -- even though we may be healthy. What causes us to fear things that may never come to pass?
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: Fear is a natural part of being human and it is based on reality in many ways. We will all die and will all age. That is a given. The question is will be be happy with our time here on earth, what we did, who we became, and how we spent our days and nights?
That is what we should fear -- dying unhappy, dying feeling we lived a life of narrowness or anger -- dying and not forgiving ourselves and others. My fear is not death, but a life not well lived.
We are so lucky to be alive every day. Today, there are people dying for whom this is their LAST DAY. They would give anything for one more day, even a sleepless night of soaked sheets!
WE need to honor these gifts of life and every moment we can feel, touch, see, love. It goes so fast.
Dearest: Barbara, thank you *again* for joining us in such a stimulating conversation and fielding our questions about how to address the issues that led to where we are now -- relationship problems, life changes, menopause and women's health. I heartily recommend Barbara De Angelis' new book, "How Did I Get Here? Finding Your Way to Renewed Hope and Happiness When Life and Love Take Unexpected Turns
We could go on forever - this has been so fascinating.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.: You are most welcome. You can go to amazon to learn more about it, or my website. I loved speaking with you. I could feel you listening deeply and I send each of you a huge hug and many blessings always.
Thank you for helping me to spread the word about HOW DID I GET HERE? SO many people need it right now. Spread the love and tell everyone about it.
Dearest: Thank you, Barbara. You were just wonderful! Good luck with your book tour!
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