hello,
i was wondering if anyone has a sitiation like mine, where you were taking an antidepressant, and it stopped working, and found out that you have many hormanal issues. some people have said that if my hormones are low that it can make the meds not work, and that no anti depressant will do right until hormones are in balance. any imput would be so appreciated. thanks and god bless. kelly

Kelly,

I don't believe that no anti-depressant will work if you're still having hormone fluctuations. Mine has kept me going during the most horrid phase of my life!!

Even on the AD (I take Lexapro) things aren't perfect, but it sure beats lying in bed with no reason to get up.

AD's do poop out sometimes, and it's not uncommon for people to have to try a number of different kinds, or even a combination of them.

If AD's are not going to work for you at all, I'd like to recommend some of the excellent Depression Workbooks you can get at bookstores (forgetting the authors, but I've seen several, and they are all thorough and good). They offer advice on alternative approaches, diet, stress management, work-related stuff, etc.

I hope you get the hope you need, Kelly. Depression is rough.

JJ

tried a walk? takes your mind off things, must be -something- good to look at on the way, and the exercise helps with some of what ails us all... taking a positive approach to everyday life will help as well.. i'm all for ADs when needed, don't get me wrong, but i still believe we can help ourselves with just a little thought, and some exercise.

julie thank you so much for always being so encouraging. i went through depression 10 years ago, and it took about 2 or 3 months to get straight on zoloft. but this has been going on NONSTOP for over a year. i've tried other ad's but none have worked. i know i have hashimoto thyroid disease along with my other hormone imbalances, but this is debilitating. my doc took me off all hormones to try and get this thyroid thing straight. and the t3 is helping so much with joint and muscle pain, but i'm still so foggy, its hard to talk on the phone from the feeling so out of it. i haven't had any estrogen in a month. i'm supposed to start a low dose of bio progestrone this week. the worst is how things look and are percieved through my eyes. i think you know what i mean julie. i thought i read that you too had a hard time with the way things looked while you were depressed. i feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i pray alot, and i don't understand how someone can suffer this much. the physical stuff i can handle, but the mental is enough to make me want to just lie down and die and be out of the pain. please everyone pray for me. this is really starting to take its toll. thanks and god bless

Kelly,

I hear you loud and clear.... Depression is absolutely horrible!

I've had those days, the feelings of unreality, the lying in bed wanting to just die and be put out of my misery. And OH HOW I PRAYED!

Keep trying whatever you can - talk with your doctor, and if you can do it, you might find counseling helpful. Do any little thing you can to keep yourself moving forward. I would make a point of taking a shower each day, often with my husband's help getting in there, because it was so rough to get out of bed. Also, he would urge me to take a short walk every day, and sometimes I just held onto him and cried as we circled the neighborhood. I would try to sit outside for only 5 minutes, and then go lie down. Or wash a few dishes, and go back and lie down.

Do whatever you can, and know in your heart it will improve in time. Depression ALWAYS lifts, but when we are in the thick of it, it feels impossible to believe.

It sounds like you have to get the thyroid situation in control, and this may help a lot - I've read others here who had a lot of improvement with that.

While my depression was intense, I had an extremely foggy head, and my counselor said this was a deliberate mechanism of the brain - a sort of natural sedation. Try not to worry about that too much - again, just do whatever you can in the course of a day.

Please feel free to PM me anytime, dear Friend. And don't forget - THIS DOES LIFT!

(((HUGS)))

JJ

Oh...JJ...I have been there also. Depression can be rough...takes everything you got just to get yourself to start the day sometimes. But we must keep pushing forward...(((Hugs))) to you JJ...


And Kelly what can I say that JJ hasn`t already said....She has said it well...(((Hugs)))to you also,Kelly...


Christina

Kelly

The black cloud will pass - you will be OK - believe in yourself - we believe in you

Tablets work different on different people and you have thyroid probelms so I wont bore you with my AD experiences. You do need to get thyroid sorted - cos that can make you cripplingly tired, make muscles feel weak, cause depression amongst other things - the brain fog could also be thyroid - so things may be better when they get the thyroid dose right for you.

JJ gave good advice - I found some good self help books on anxiety/depression and also got off my bum and got walking - it took weeks for the walking to work cos I just didnt want to do it and I wasnt interested but I enjoy it now (never thought I would here myself say I enjoy anything again!!). I am also seeing a CBT therapist and have joined a free telephone self help group here in the UK - which I do on Friday evenings. Sounds like a lot but I didnt do it all at once - I drip fed myself. This will be a lot for you if yur thyroid is causing the knackeredness

Also check on the Food and Mood diet stuff (Mind in the uK do some stuff on that) - what you eat can affect how you feel

You could also try MoodGym - free site in Oz which works you through anxiety/depression issues - you can stop or start anytime you want and it remember who you are - I have found it very helpful although a bit long winded.

Part of my getting better was spending all my time looking at how I was going to get better - I was so busy with diets and surfing - I realised I was getting out of the unreality rut slowly but surely

I do hope they get your dosage sorted - and you start to feel better - makew sure they keep a good eye on the thyroid for the future too!

Love & hugs

Mele

Kelly,

I have been there too and it is a nightmare. I never thought that I would smile again and just like JJ my husband had to drag me outside to take a walk with me crying all the way around the block.(my neighbors must have really wondered). The one thing that I held onto during this time was what a friend who previously had depression bad herself told me. She said that even if I didn't believe it right then that it would get better. And it will get better for you too, just keep telling yourself that even if you don't believe it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was also a lifesaver for me, I think that helped more than anything as far as professionals went for me.

Hugs and prayers are being sent your way!
Judy

ladies, thank you so much for your replies. tears filled my eyes as i read them. you know i'm only 36, and my beautiful daughters are 17 and 18. they are so worried, and i hate that they have to be. i try to pretend around them , but they know. i feel like my life is over at such a young age. i know my psch. doc says that depression doesn't last forever, but a year and a half sure feels like an eternity when your feeling this way. i wish i could for just a brief moment, feel the love for my kids, that i did when i was normal. being totally emotionally flatlined is tough. thats what makes us feel human, and when thats not there, everything feels unreal. i just pray for god to show his mercy and his grace to all of us that are in depression. thanks for caring. god bless kelly

I have been on and off these boards this year with all
sorts of bizarre symptoms. It has now gotten to the point
where I am apparently clinically depressed. Reading some of
these posts makes me know that I am not the only one going
through this. I have a nine year old son and have become
desperate to get functional to the point of going to psychiatrist
outside of my plan as well as therapist. I am trying Lexapro which
is touted as the be all and end all. Its hard to know what is hormones,
depression, meds,etc, all I know is that I fell dizzy and spaced out and just
want it to end. If depression springs from hormones, will Lexapro
take the awful feelings away? This year has been the most bizarre nightmare
I could ever imagine. Do those of you who are suffering depression feel
that the depression stemmed from the inability of doctors to address
your physical and mental concerns prior to the onset of the depression?
Its almost as if you didn't need the ADs at first, but by the time the medical
profession gets through with you, you actually do need the meds because
they have not been able to offer you relief. Thank you all for sharing your
experiences because I too know no one going through this and feel like
an alien.

lidge, sorry you are going through this nightmare. have you had your hormones checked? as i said before, i took zoloft for 9 years and did great, but i did have a partial hysterectomy in 2001, and i noticed alot of different things after that . my psch. doc thinks this is mostly hormonal, as i have researched, you can take all the ad's you want, but if your hormones are almost gone, they don't work, or not as well. i know a lady that did 15 treatments of electroconvulsive therapy ( shock therapy ) and it didn't work because her hormones are off. i'm so thankful for ativan. it gets me through the rough spots. and i'm also fat. last summer i was a size 4, now i'm a size, well i really don't know what size i am. i've pretty much lived in p.j.s for the last 5 months. god bless ,kelly

Lidge,

I believe perimenopause CAUSED my depression, (not that life was perfect before that).

The Lexapro really helped me. When I got on it for depression, my hormones were also completely out of control. Constant hot flashes, night sweats, cry urge, awakening in the middle of the night with panic, severe anxiety, etc. etc.

Lexapro seemed to help everything. After 18 months, I was doing so well I got off it (this was last autumn). Had 3 wonderful months, then in December, I had a "dip" around the holidays, and had to get back on.

It is NOT uncommon for depression to last 18 months - 2 years or longer. If fact is IS common for people to relapse if they get off an anti-depressant within a year of getting on it. It takes time to heal from depression, as much as we want to rush it.

I'm at a point now where the only troubling perimenopausal symptom I have is the cry urge, and this is while on the Lexapro. But everything else is so much better (I only had one period all last year).

Along with the usual complexities of living, we have physical symptoms of peri, and the many changes as our children are growing and leaving the nest. It's a complicated time. I've found it's best to take each day as it comes, and just ride that out as well as possible.

Meanwhile, the sisters here at Power-Surge are a HUGE blessing. There is always someone here for support!

JJ

jj, i was wondering if you take any form of hrt. or do you have any thyroid problems. i am so happy that lexapro works for you. when you were depressed, were you afraid you would flip out and end up babbling in a corner. and this fog is the worst. sometimes i feel like " where the heck am i". god bless kell

Hi Kelly,

I don't take any form of HRT. Recently I had my thyroid checked and was told it was "borderline," but my doc didn't feel it was worthy of pursuing at this point.

Yes, I was terrified that I would "flip out" when the depression was at its worst!! Everything looked bizarre and unreal, and I couldn't stand ANY noise - not the TV, radio, even people talking to me too close to my face. I called a suicide hotline twice, not because I feared committing suicide (just wished God would strike me dead), but because I needed avoice to tell me I could make it through the day.

I often pleaded with my husband to take me to a hospital. He called my doctor, who said that if I could tough it out at home, it was probably better to do this, as the care would be similar - sedation with Ativan, taking the AD's, etc. In the hospital, one does get around-the-clock care, but I got this from my wonderful husband, who spent as much time as possible at home (I was terrified at the thought of being alone).

To pass the time without completely freaking out, I would make jigsaw puzzles while lying in bed, one after another, day after day. I must have made 100 puzzles! Just focusing on "putting the picture together" was perhaps metaphorical for what was happening in real life. I was too fuzzy-brained to read - the words just jumped off the page, and they didn't make sense anyway.

At the time, I reached out to the Power-Surge sisters. It might comfort you to read and see the shape I was in, and the subsequent improvement:http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/index.php?showtopic=4437

Wishing you well, dear Kelly. I truly have been there, and have "come back," and you will too.

JJ

Try that again: http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/inde...?showtopic=4437

JJ and Kelly - thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I want to write a long post, but I'm so dizzy
not sure how far I'll get.

JJ I've read and can relate to so many of your posts, especially gettting into the shower. That is the one thing I make myself do so that I can get dressed and at least be sitting in a chair
looking like a normal person when my nine year old comes home from school at 3. My husband is at work all day (leaves early comes home late) and I pretty much have no contact with anyone but my son, husband.
and occassional shrink visits. I really can't believe what has happened to my life. Around this time last year I started feeling sick and had my hormones checked (blood test) during annual. It showed low estrogen, high FSH (I"m 47) so I and my gyno at that time thought I'd be going through meno "sooner rather than later".

She gave me an estrogen patch which made me worse. She also put me on low dose birth control thing
(Nuvaring) which made me feel crazy so I removed it. Gyno pretty much threw up her hands. I did
have saliva test in August which showed low progesterone, but since estrogen was normal I just tried progesterone cream, with no real effect. Started to have nausea, anxiety attacks, but not depression per se. First shrink put me on xanax which I still take daily since November (I've never had to take anything
like this before). I started to notice that even when anxiety was under control I was more and more depressed. Had another recent blood test on day 4 of my period and it was pretty much normal. I have only missed one period this year and in fact get it every three weeks.

I went to only gyno on my plan who does natural hormones and he said he would not do it at same time if you were taking SSRI. When I asked him his success rate in alleviating my type of symptoms with natural hormones he said 50/50. He did not seem particularly enthusiatic and said that it would help only if there was no "underlying depression" Well, how the heck should I know whether my depression is underlying or not? I know I never had it before!

Since the stated success rates with SSRI's was higher, I decided to try that route first. Of course now, research is coming out showing rates for ADs not really better than 50%. It is so frustrating!

I sent away for this free kit on depression just so I could hear other women' experiences. Well, it turned out to be infomercial type video where actors talk about depression and the narrator tells you it is a myth that menopause leads to depression. Well we've seen much of recent research as JJ points out in her posts, which dispute that. There was an article in USA today a few years ago saying women in peri four times
more likely to suffer depression.

JJ and Kelly you are wonderful women and I will pray for you as I pray everyday that this ends for us all.
(Sorry if I left anyone out). I think when we are in the worst of it, we have no energy to reach out to other
people who are going through this (I personally don't even know any) and when we are better, we just want
to forget it ever happened. I alternate between crying and feeling angry that my life has become what it has. I apprecite so much your courage to detail your experiences so we can all feel less alone in this.
Hope this made some sense and didn't bore anyone to death!

dear lidge, i so understand what you mean about crying and then being angry. sometimes i just cry so hard and loud around my house when no one is here. today my kids left for the beach for their spring break, and i could tell that my oldest daughter ( 18 ) didn't want to leave me. so i put on the best fake smile i could and told her not to be silly, that i would be fine, so as she left the room, tears ran down my face. they miss the mother that they knew, who was so funny and out going. now i am just a person taking up air. i feel nothing, and can only hope to be normal again SOON. i was wondering lidge, did you ever take birth control pill before all of this. and what happened when you put on the patch. you may have needed a balance of everything. keep reading and writing on this site, i know it helps me. take care and god bless. kelly

Kelly-

I never took birth control before this. My mother died at a young age and I
was always afraid of the blood clot factor etc. My gyno told me that the newer
bcs were made for older women so I was willing to try. She gave me something
called Nuvaring and after even a few days I felt so weird, but she assured me it wasn't
that. I knew how I felt so I took it out. (Don't mean to me gross, its something you actually
insert). I wasn't nearly as bad as I am now. I really felt a lack of caring and followup from
my gyno so I just gave up. Its ironic since the group is called "Women Caring for Women"
and I used them when I had my son. Unfortunately the only caring doctor in the group left the
practice and now they don't even take my insurance so I started looking elsewhere. Do you
balance your hormones with something and if so, has it made any difference? I just feel that
my mental state is so poor at this point that I can't even deal with the hormones and gynos
anymore until I get some mental stability.

My son will be home soon and like you I try to put on a brave face. Your children are older than mine
but my son has become very protective of me too and this is terrible for him to see. He just wants to
stay home and take care of me. I wish these damn so -called experts could live in our shoes one day
to see the devastation this wreaks and give our plight more attention. This is so unfair. It helps to know
we are not alone, but I don't wish this on anyone. Don't mean to be a downer. I'm trying to be positive
but as you know its hard. Kelly I'll be thinking of you and including you in my prayers. We don't deserve this and I have to believe there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

dear lidge,
i hope you made it through the day ok. i did manage to walk slowly to the barn and feed my horses. most days i can't even drive. as far as hormone therapy, i started t3 for my thyroid 2 weeks ago. it has helped with the joint and muscle pain, fatige and headaches, but i only have one ovary, and i continue to get painful cysts on it. i am seriously thinking of going back on birth control pills. i don't want to lose my only ovary. i have tried bio hormones, but can't seem to get the dosages right. my skin is so dry, sometimes it hurts to scratch it. oh, and yes i have heard of the nuva ring. maybe a pill would be better for you to try. stay strong, and god bless, kelly

Hi, I am going to chime in with my 2cents. I too have suffered from depression for many years. I have taken anti-depressants and they worked marvelously for me for years and then just seemed to poop out. So, I stopped taking my prozac and started walking. I walk alot at least 6 miles per day when I work (I walk home) and it sure seems to help me with my depression. I also sleep much better when I walk/exercise. I watch my sugar intake, limit caffeine to green tea only. I am really watching my vitamin supplements in order to see what helps me too to feel better. All of these things work; but we must be patient. When I get anxiety ridden, I take Valerian - just one and within about 20 minutes I feel normal - well as normal as I am these daze - again.

If I get really depressed again, I think I will try Http (I think it is called) that you can get at the health food store. Another thing I do is laugh as much as possible and spend time with friends. These things may sound somewhat trite, but they sure help me to feel better.

I hope this helps,
Suzanne

Hi,

I've been away from the boards for a couple days, and am just catching up.

I want to say thank you, Lidge, for your kind words. Anyone who has been through depression and hears of another with the same struggle can't HELP but offer encouragement. It is the worst hell I have EVER endured, no question about that.

Lidge, it sounds like your docs really haven't given you the attention and care you deserve. HRT DOES help some women with depression, and all doctors should know this, for heaven's sake, if we laypeople do. There are many things for you to try to feel better - perhaps you can find someone who will really focus on helping you.

I feel for those of you with kids at home - it can't be easy not only to have the care of them, but to be concerned about not having the energy and spirit to meet their needs. Fortunately, kids are resilient, and really only want our love, attention, and kindness - that's the important thing, and one can offer that while lying on the couch, thank goodness! And they learn that mothers aren't super-human, that like everyone else, they have times of need. One day, when this crap has passed, you can be interacting in the "old ways" again, bouncing around with the grandkids! Believe me, your kids are gonna LOVE you for that!

(((KELLY))) - Huge hugs for you!!!

Suz, thanks for chiming in and sharing your experience. You are so right about getting exercise when we can! During the worst of my depression, I pretty much couldn't get out of bed, so the walking was just while hanging on to my husband, but when things lifted even a little, I did as much as I could do with walking and gentle yoga stretches. It can make a BIG difference.

Love you, my Sisters!

JJ

dear jj, thank you so much for your post. friday night i thought i would cry until i passed out, but i took some ativan and read the bible, and a little while later i started to feel better. the next morning i noticed a difference, and i was actually able to drive and do a little shopping. i also walked a bit. i realized that the t3, (for my thyroid) was really starting to help with the depression as well as my joint pain and other things. even my ovary is feeling better. today wasn't as good, but it was still better than last week. i also know that god has his hand on me, and even when it doesn't feel like it, i know he hears my prayers. if there are any of you who think that your meno. could also be thyroid related, please, please read " the thyroid solution" by dr. arem. it talks sooooooo much about how the thyroid and brain function are crucial in our well being. anytime a hormonal shift occurs, it can affect the thyroid.

lidge, i don't know if you've had your thyroid checked, but if not try to get this book. if i had not been given the strength from god , i know i would't have been able to find out what was wrong with me. i am sorry to say , that i don't have much faith in alot of doctors anymore. i can't believe that i have suffered for a year and a half, when all along it was my thyroid, which , i'm sure caused my other hormones to flip out. but everything happens for a reason, and if my info. helps someone else, then i will be so, so happy. i'm so thankful for this site. it has helped me through many tough times. god bless , kelly

Kelly, the first thing I thought of was thyroid and had it checked twice with
nothing to indicate a thyroid problem. I actually prayed that they would find
a thyroid problem because it at least provides the road to recovery. I'm on the
Lexapro and have wanted to do nothing but sleep and cry for weeks. I actually feel
even less functional and today the anxiety is so bad even xanax is not helping.
I am praying that this drug provides me some peace eventually because after investing
so much pain and energy into getting on it, I need some relief.

JJ - did you find you felt worse before feeling better on Lex? Do you wake up one day and say, hey, I don't feel as bad as I normally do, or is it so subtle that you can't notice it on a day to day basis?

Thank you too for your kind words -you are all such giving people and I appreciate so much all the feedback.


I'm trying to get some things done around the house - haven't been out for days and days. I wish I could get more comprehensive medical/psych care, but I'm in too bad a shape right know to track down
such people and I wouldn't know where to begin. Supposedly, if hormones are out of whack,
ADs will help, such as in postpartum depression. I hope this is true, because as averse as I
am to the meds, I will do anything to get my life back. I have never experienced anything like this
and have really been thrown for a loop. Thanks again for the feedback, it does help so much.
I'll be thinking of you all.

dear lidge,
i'm so glad you posted, i was thinking of you these last few days. i started to get some relieve this week-end, so remember to hang on, i have been where you are. i know you don't have the energy, but you have to try and help yourself by finding the right docs. one thing you can do is call some pharmacies in your area that do 'compounding'. they usually know docs that prescribe bio-identicals. i know you went to the one doc, but there has to be more in your area that are willing to help you. also, all of my thyroid labs came back normal, but it wasn't until my 'thyroid antibodies' were checked that i found out there was a problem. i don't know what state you live in, but in jan. i traveled to texas to a place called 'the hotze health and wellness center'. i could hardly travel, but my husband went with me. they specialize in all of the areas you are dealing with. if you look up www.howigotmylifeback.com, you can read many of the stories of women just like us. it was there that i was diognosed with my thyroid problem. i have since found a specialist in my area, but the hotze clinic was wonderful. please keep posting, we are all here to help you and each other. stay stong and god bless, kelly

Hi Lidge,

You asked about the improvement on Lexapro, and I can tell you that it was VERY subtle. My husband noticed it before I did - a little less scared of being out of the bed, spending a little more time downstairs, etc. Little tiny things.

My daughter's best friend would email me every few days while I was going through this hell - she had been institutionalized after attempting suicide back in college about 10 years ago. She knew a LOT about Lexapro, the medication they gave her, and was very loving and supportive. She would say, "Any tiny little improvement you see is very, very hopeful." And while it was hard to believe her when she said these things would build up over time into a significantly larger improvement, she was exactly right!

When did you get onto the Lexapro? It takes awhile to work (my doc said that researchers just don't know why this is - it doesn't make medical "sense," but is definitely the case with most people). Yes, there were times early on when I thought it was making me worse, but in retrospect that wasn't about side effects, but about good old peri - trouble sleeping, adrenaline surges, etc. None of it was "new" from the medication, just the same old crap I'd had before, swinging and spiking. I used Ativan at the same time in those early weeks, just to keep going, as I was sure I would completely lose my mind any minute.

At about 6 weeks, I decided Lexapro was doing nothing, and was REALLY tempted to get off, but again, my daughter's best friend recommended giving it a while longer. Thank goodness... It was about at the 8-week mark that I first "noticed" the changes, that I was smiling more, and laughing without it sounding in my ears like hysterical shrieking, etc. I could stand the TV on low, and could have the grandchildren playing on the bed beside me for a half-hour or so, without the noise and activity being too much.

By 3 months I was spending more and more time out of bed, but still shaky. At 4 months, I began driving again, something that would have seemed impossible just a short while before. Since then, the progress has been up and down, little hills and valleys, but all more tolerable, NOTHING like the sheer hell of that April and May, 2004.

Hope this timeline is helpful - I so hope you'll have similar benefits to the AD's. Remember, there are also other types of anti-depressants, so if for some reason you really get to where you don't think the Lexapro is doing enough, there is no reason to lose hope. Just keep working with your doc.

Oh, and BTW, I was a seriously anti-AD person before being hit with severe depression. NOW I KNOW!!!!

Lidge, do maintain hope. Depression ALWAYS lifts, just as physical wounds heal. Do the best you can each day, go about the little things as calmly as possible, and let nature heal you. This advice, BTW, comes from a wonderful book called "Hope and Help for Your Nerves," by Claire Weekes. If you don't have it, I highly recommend it, as do many others on this website. Many libraries have it, as it's kind of a classic about anxiety and depression. I will never, ever give away my copy, which lived on my bedside table during that rough stretch, and is underlined, highlighted, little stars drawn in beside all the passages that I felt were saving my life, and the page edges very well-thumbed!!! It was my "Depression Bible," LOL, even traveling everywhere with me in my purse during that first rough stretch.

(((HUGS)))

JJ



(((KELLY)))

Well, you weren't alone with the crying last Friday! I cried from the moment I woke up until 5:00 in the afternoon, practically non-stop, with no idea why!!! It felt VERY different from the depression - no fear or despondency there, just the urge to weep, weep, weep, so I just gave in and sobbed all day long while puttering around.

After 5:00, I cheered right up and had a great night with friends, got up the next day and did some fun things.

WHAT A TRIP.

So glad you are feeling like you're getting things balanced with the thyroid issues, having some improvement. I know thyroid problems can really throw people out of whack. Praying you just do better and better!

JJ

JJ-
You are always so generous in taking the time to reply. Thank you. I have the book
and audio tapes of Claire Weekes book. I listened to it once and did find her inspirational
but once I started to feel more depressed I really haven't listened to it. I really just want to
divert myself from thinking about this when I can think straight.

As far as the Lex, because I (like everyone else it seems) was so sensitive to the side effects,
the psych started me on a tiny dose of the liquid form on Feb. 20. For the past two weeks, I was on
4 mg. for 4 days and this is day 10 of 5mg. The psych thinks I will not be able to tolerate 10mg.

At first the anxiety subsided quite a bit, only to be replaced with absolute lethargy and spaciness.
I have been less functional (pretty much sitting in a chair sleeping or watching TV) since getting on
the 4 and 5 mg. My desire to do anything or go out seems to be less and less. The doc wanted to
see how I was for 2 weeks on 5mg. Its almost 2 weeks, and I can't say there is any significant improvement- like you did, I feel even worse. My nine year old son tells me I seem better, but
I think he wants to believe it so much himself he is telling me that. I also try to keep a face on for him
as best I can, but he has seen me cry many, many times. That is the worst part of this.

I don't think I have the stomach to try another trial of ADs with new side effects, withdrawals, etc. This morning my anxiety was through the roof. I know some say this means drug is working. However, obviously one can't live like this indefinitely. The whole point is to feel equilibrium. The way they market the drug, they make it sound like it works so fast, but apparently that wasn't your experience. If something takes months to work, how do we know its the drug and not the natural course of the illness abating? I"m seeing the doc tomorrow, so we'll have to discuss things.

Thank you so much JJ for your encouragemnent. I have never experienced this madness before and its so hard to know what to do. Really just want to get my life back so my nine year old has his mother back.
I have to go take my lex now - do you take it morning or night? I usually crash after taking it so I get some rest before my son comes home from school.

I actually spoke with Kelly last night who as you know has been through so much. She told me about the
thyroid antibodies and I am going to bring this up with my psych. (Hope you don't mind me talking about you Kelly!) Like everyone else, my thryoid tests always comes out normal, but I do have some symptoms so it may be worth checking out. I'm so glad Kelly has found some clue to her problems. Its such a shame
that in the year 2006, the doctors know and care so little about what we go through. If they can devise
Viagra, which helps immediately, why can't they come up with something for us that works as fast!

Enough ranting - Thank you JJ and Kelly -I'll keep you posted and hope to hear that you are both feeling
better and better every day.

Lidge

Hi Lidge,

I've been away on vacation for the past week, and am just checking in again - so sorry not to respond sooner.

How are you doing?

I know what you're saying about just wanting to divert yourself from this at times, and I think that's healthy! As John Lennon sang, "Whatever gets you through the night, it's all right..."

Do consider that the lethargy may be as much related to perimenopause as to depression. To me, both went hand-in-hand, with times of severe fatigue occuring a good year before the depression hit. I would have to literally turn off the burners while I was in the middle of fixing supper, and go lie down on the couch. The spaciness is part of the depression, according to my counselor, who said it was nature's way of keeping us sedated - made sense to me then, as I needed the sedation, for sure! The same with lack of desire to do anything - if you tool around in these boards, you'll see that for many women, even some who aren't hit with serious depression, this is one aspect of perimenopause. People who've always loved holidays could suddenly care less about decorating, etc. Everything feels like a lot of work!

That so many of us go through this, tells me that it's "normal," altho' good heavens, it does not feel so!

I take my Lexapro in the mornings, as it seemed to keep me awake at night. These days, I usually sleep well and wake rested, without anxiety - a lovely change.

Lidge, I want to encourage you again... you ARE going to be better, with lots of energy for your boy! It is going to come. My advice is that if you feel you are able to tolerate the Lexapro, you give it more time. By two weeks I felt NOTHING except confused! Of course, if you are feeling worse and worse, you must consider if it's worth staying on.

My heart goes out to you. One day/hour/minute at a time is about all we can handle while going through this. Please let us know how you're doing.

JJ

Dear JJ-
As always, so nice of you to reply. I'm so glad to hear you got away for a while and I hope
you had a great time because you certainly have earned it. I hope the day comes soon where
I am encouraging others as you do rather than describing my problems.

I tried dividing the 5mg between am and pm as doc suggested. Although I don't feel as depressed my problem now is waking with terrible anxiety in the AM and it lasts most of the day. Even Xanax doesn't cut it till late afternoon. Lexapro is supposed to be effective for anxiety and depression and I felt less anxious when I was on smaller dose, but not really sure if it was related to med. I'll just have to live with this for now, because I don't really have a choice if I am going to stick it out. I am awake more during day, but the anxiety is a killer. As I believe the depression arose from the unremitting anxiety I had this year, I worry that I am just going in circles.

JJ - pardon me if you've already addressed this, but have you done any hormonal balance along with the Lex? As I've mentioned, the doctor that I found that does natural hormones won't do them at same time
as SSRIs, but I wonder if Lex or any AD can work well without hormonal balance based upon others experience. I'm so exhausted trying to figure this out. You are right, one hour at a time. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement JJ. Hoping for better days for us all.

Lidge

Hi Lidge,

The day WILL come when you are feeling better - know it in your heart! And as I say this, know that I too, didn't believe it when others said it to me!!

Terrible anxiety in the morning has been written about by Power-Surge sisters ALL OVER these boards! No one knows why this happens. In her book "Hope and Help for your Nerves," written in the 1960's, Claire Weekes referred to it as "that dreaded morning feeling." There were days during the worst of it where I could not even get out of bed until noon, and then just to get the horrid shower over with. Sometimes I felt a little better in late afternoon/evening, but sometimes I didn't.

Yes, the anxiety is SO HORRIBLE! I mentioned I called hotlines occasionally, and I have ALWAYS been a strong person, could always do a lot, high pain threshhold, etc. Yet the experience of the meno crap just sent me right to the edge. I have never prayed so hard in my life!!!

I too, in the year before severe depression hit, like my anxiety was spiking higher and higher. Now, did the depression come from all that? Was the anxiety hormone-driven, or the result of my crazy, hectic life? I'll never know the answer to that, but there are too many women here on Power-Surge who have done great until they hit peri, when they completely fell apart. There HAS to be a hormonal component!

No, I've never done HRT, only because I fear that by doing this, I would put off the inevitable. Once getting OFF the HRT, I would expect to be thrown back into peri - maybe this isn't the case? Believe me, if the Lexapro had not worked, I would have tried HRT next, because the hell was THAT BAD.

I too exhausted myself trying to figure this stuff out! Yet what got me through the days most of the time was to slooooow things down, do any little thing I could do. Do everything possible to distract myself, even when that felt fake and bizarre. It really is a horrid ride, and I'm afraid there is no way over but through. My counselor talked to me about "facing the dragon" - the worst of the fear - again and again, until it was no terrifying. Sometimes it worked; sometimes it didn't. I cried a lot of tears, when I was able to cry, and when I couldn't, I just felt like a suffering animal that no one could reach through to comfort.

What helped a weensy bit, is that my husband moved the bed so I could look out the window when I woke up, or on the days when I was just lying around. Hearing the birds was comforting. Also, he brought me any thing I could eat, and there were times I'd just turn my head - NOTHING was going down my throat! We went for walks each day, although I dreaded them with my entire heart and soul.

Depression is terrible.

Do you ever wake up in the morning from dreams where you are bawling your eyes out? That was happening to me all the time for awhile - I'd awake just wet with weeping. It was during the worst of the depression. I haven't heard many women on the boards say they had that happen.

Dear friend, I KNOW how rough it is. And these days I dance in the kitchen, go away with my hub, snuggle and enjoy the grandkids. I'm not the woman I was before - less energy, for sure, and there's a part of me - way in the back of my consciousness - that always fears the black hole will return. The depression made me live for today! I could never have believed life could get so hard.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for another week. My husband and I bought a little Airstream trailer in March, and have begun taking treks in it. We are going to see the band INXS - we saw them last week (twice! ) in Atlantic City, and Lidge, I was up dancing on chairs!!! If ANYONE would have said that was possible in April 2004, I would NEVER have believed it.

You will be up dancing on chairs some day too, Sweetie!

Hang in - it's going to get better. I'll check in when I get back next week - do keep posting for support from the sisters! They are here for you.

JJ

Dear JJ,

Won't go into long post as I know you're on your way out. You are such a beautiful person for taking the time to respond in such detail about your experiences. I'd love to see you dancing on tabletops JJ!
Maybe you can only experience that kind of joy after you've been in the pits. Have a great trip!

Lidge, I just wanted to say that I'm going through the same thing now. Never thought I would have such terrible anxiety in the morning that would last until late afternoon. I have always been a calm, laid back person and almost scorned people who had anxiety problems. I would think, "Can't they just think positive thoughts and take a deep breath?" But you can't--it's an overwhelming physical-chemical thing that just takes over!

I have been on lexapro for a few years and tried to wean off of it a couple months ago, only to find myself heading for that black hole, as JJ calls it. Went back to 5 mg, which I take at night, and will consider going back to the 10 mg. I originally took if I need to. I think my depression came from chronic pain (herniated disc in neck, take Neurontin (gabapentin) 300 mg. for each night), because my life seemed just fine otherwise. But maybe peri had something to do with it...I'm 51 btw.

Part of my problem is my horrible job with a boss I can hardly tolerate. I have an interview for a different job on Monday, during my lunch break, and I hope I actually get a decent lunch break that day because I am desperate to leave my present position. He makes my anxiety worse! I wish I could just stay home and deal with these symptoms without having to go out in public!

Anyway, I truly sympathize. It is a very rough ride. I am considering bioidentical hormones to help with the lack of concentration, forgetfulness, lack of focus--brain fog.

Hang in there!

Shel

Shel-

I read your post and wanted to tell you that I am currently experiencing horrible morning anxiety. I wake at 3:00 AM (have done so for the last 3 weeks) with anxiety that lasts until around 2:00 PM. I get some relief from this at night but still have bouts of it until bedtime.

I am currently on progesterone (100mg) per day but no estrogen. I have decided that I am going to see a specialist. There is one in my local area (he doesn't take insurance) but I am willing to try this as I have been feelings so bad.

I am depressed and anxious and sleepless. Those are my worst symptoms. I have never experienced anything like this before. The mental stuff is just awful. I feel shaky most of the day with urges to cry and at work this is not a good thing.

I have actually considered quitting my job and I love my job. I am so stressed right now and am losing weight because I am not very hungry.

I have been better ( I have been working with this for 3 years) but this last relapse has me back at square one and I am really not sure what brought it on. Hormones are changing I guess. I was having 2 periods a month for the last 3 or 4 months and now this one is very light.

The anxiety is so bad that my muscles are actually tight as drums.

I hope this hell ends soon for all of us. I can't understand why there isn't more research being done in this area.

I have found most doctors unknowledgable or unsympathetic.

I hope I can get in to see this guy soon.

Sandy

Shel and 40-

What more can I say other than I hear you! I am a stay at home mother of a nine
year old who never had anything like this till last year. It has been suggested to me
that having a job would be helpful, but I don't even feel capable of doing food shopping
and basic chores, let alone reentering the work force. I sympathize so much with your having
to go to a job with these horrible symptoms - I know its easier said than done but if your boss
is increasing your anxiety you must try to get another job. I will pray that you are successful
in finding relief or other employment.

I'm in the same boat as you as far as symptoms and really don't know where to go or how to put the pieces together anymore. The Lexapro has made me less depressed, but anxiety persists and now I'm getting weird vaginal pains which I've never had so I feel I really need to find a new gyno, but don't know who to go to that would be helpful and understanding. If I hear one more doctor tell me there is nothing wrong,
I will rip their head off!

I don't know if you guys remember the movie "Village of the Damned" where there were these strange children with strange powers that no one understood. Sometimes I feel like we are those children, no one understands us but US. Unfortunately, we are lacking the supernatural powers that these kids had!

hey lidge, sorry i haven't posted in a while , its been a rollar coaster . up one day, down the next. i hope you are doing better. all of my physical stuff is slowley getting better, but my head is still feeling in the clouds. i just pray that god will grant us some relief. i've also been having a hard time sleeping. i don't know if i need more thyroid med or not. thank god for ativan and drugs like that. they do help with the anxiety. i know what you mean about the morning anxiety. feels as though you may jump out of your skin. i have a bit more anxiety now that i'm not so hypothyroid. look forward to hearing from you. and jj, enjoy your trip, i look forward to the day when i too can enjoy things again, even if its just going to the store. god bless kelly

Kelly -

I'm so sorry you're still on the roller coaster. I hear you. Yesterday, I was able to
go to a family party and feel functional. I've been having vaginal pains which
aren't going away and I'm hoping they go away if I get my period soon. I've never
had this type of pain so I'm a little worried. I have to find new gyno and have it checked
out but not sure which one to go to etc. Its bad enough with the mental junk, now i have
physical pain too. I'm going to try to get out today if I can - maybe the ibuprofen will help.
It just seems like its always something and I can't string together even two decent days in
a row. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired and I know what you are going through.
I do think of you and pray that this ends for us. When I read JJ posts I'm inspired, but I'm afraid
that nothing will be right if my hormones are out of whack and I can't wait for peri to be over to be
a regular person again. I'm trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself, but its a chore when the days
roll by. This really begins my second year of feeling lousy and that is a long time. I know others
have suffered longer and I don't know how people endure it.

Thank you for being so supportive Kelly - like I said in my other post - no one can understand what we are going through if they haven't felt it themselves. We have to keep holding on to hope - I can't bear the thought of my boy seeing me like this till he is practically grown. There must be an answer for us all -
Hope your next post tells me good news - Till then, know that you are not alone.

Lidge

Can someone tell me why my posts look one way, when I preview them but are all cut off and
disjointed when I post them?

Hi All-

Hope your Sunday is good. I managed to get into the shower and out of the house today and that helped allot. It is getting hot in AZ now so time to be a shut in. When this anxiety hits however, I like being outside more than inside.

I have great trouble coping with this enormous amount of morning anxiety. I feel as though I was on some high powered caffine drink or something. I feel as though I will explode into little pieces and I am just holding myself together. Does it effect anyone else this way?

By afternoon I am better but by no means normal. I do miss feeling like my old self. I had a blissful 7-8 month absence from this crap and it was great!!!! I want to get back there as quickly as possible. Maybe I am comming to the end of this crap. My last period was so light, wtih no cramping after having extremely painful periods X2 times a month for the last 4 months.

Who knows. I am determined to start yoga at my gym this week.

I have a bad summer cold and this is making me feel more weird than ever but I trying to ignore this.

My job is great. I need to get out of the house for distraction. I don't think I would feel any better at home than I do at work. I get the anxiety no matter where I am and at work I can sometimes ignore it.

Hope we all get thru this stuff soon.

Sandy

40something, Lidge, and all,

Thanks for your responses. I decided to start Estrogel and prometrium yesterday (had some left over from last year when I first tried it). I actually feel sort of more focused today. It helped me to talk to someone who used to work for my awful boss and find out it isn't just me who can't cope with him. I think the things we can change, we should change, and a different boss is what I need right now.

I know the anxiety will probably still be there tomorrow morning, as I face a very trying day at work with a creep of a boss. But there's the hope that my interview during my lunch break will yield a better position for me that might at least not aggravate the anxiety.

I still want to find a doctor/NP who can fine tune my hormone needs--the last time I tried the estrogel and prometrium, my periods came back really horribly--don't want that again!

I wish the lexapro didn't make me so numb to everything. I don't want to be depressed, but I'd like to feel alive too, feel joy, excitement, etc. Oh well, can't have everything

Take care, all of you!
Shel

Hi All,
Love to all of you suffering with depression and anxiety. I'm on cipralex (lexapro ?sp) and I really think it has helped, but it sent my anxiety up thro' the roof the first couple of weeks - then I had a few weeks feeling like a zombie (I actually preferred this to depression). I found that I was having memory and sleep probs (before the AD) which caused me to be very anxious - I'm a bit more laid back about it now. It was totally scary when it first happened. My money is on hormones at least 80% for this - I've suffered from depression before, some of it hormonal, some of it related to my childhood - and I feel I know the difference in myself.

I do feel a lot more empowered, energetic and positive now and think that cipralex has helped, as well as understanding, mainly from PS, that depression etc can hit in peri. Claire Warga does reccomend SSRIs if your hormones are out of whack, but only gives it a brief mention.

Take Care all of you - it will lift!

Domino

Can we talk a little more about morning anxiety? I woke up this morning vibrating all over the place like a plate of jello. I couldn't breath right and felt like crud overall. The morning shower takes every last sane fiber in my body to get where I can wash my body and hair. I'm a mess when I get out of the shower. I do *everything* right. I don't drink, smoke, take lots of supplements, I try and meditate and do deep breathing, etc. I just feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back.

Hello Fellow Sufferers!

Gia- I hear you. This whole thing started with morning anxiety which now stays with me almost
all day. I'm going to see new gyno tonite because I've had strange vaginal pain and it just adds
to anxiety. Of course, just going makes me nervous, but I feel I need to have someone check it out. reas
I think I might collapse into tears right there on the table.

I have my period to boot, so I don't know how they really get to see everything if you know what I mean.
I've been on Lex for more than 3 weeks and don't feel significantly better - minimally but anxiety coming back big time. You are right about one step forward, two steps back. I really can't take being like this anymore. I'm using Xanax, trying Lexapro, and still feel like basket case EVERY DARN DAY!

I want my life back. My son wants his mom back, my husband wants his wife back. This is a little over a year of increasing symptoms - where the heck is the bottom? Still getting periods seems like every three weeks. What the heck is the mechanism that needs to be turned off or on to get us better?
Why is this so hard? I'm going to have good cry - just don't know what else to do right now. Its so hard to be positive when your body is sending you into this.

Lidge.

Lidge,

I hear you about everything you are talking about!! I've been on Lexapro a little over 3 weeks and also take xanax as needed. The Lexapro is helping me I can tell. I'm not as anxious as I have been in the past, although today is kind of hard. I'm on my period right now and that has always been the worst time for me with my anxiety and panic attacks!!!

The mornings are also very hard for me, it takes me a few hours to get things rolling and to feel a little bit normal. I have been walking and this does seem to help me. My dr. is thinking about putting me on a low dose birth control pill to see if things level out with my hormones. My periods seem to be coming closer together now also which is frustrating!!

Will this ever end??? I haven't had a good night's rest in months!! I'm always so tired!!

Take care and I hope things start getting better for you!!

Leanne

Thanks for the support dleane. I'm glad Lex is working for you. I'm only on 5mg, because Psych doesn't think I could tolerate more with my anxiety. If this doesn't bring significant relief soon, I'll have to investigate some hormonal remedy or something although not sure what. I think our problems have multiple causes and its hard to get docs to put pieces together. Hope your troubles are soon a distant memory. Nothing to do but keep trying.

Lidge

There are folks that swear by Lexapro. Lexapro actually worsened my anxiety duing the 2nd week on 2.5 mgs. Everyone is different, lexapro just wasn't for me.

I took Paxil and Celexa and didn't have one bit of anxiety or depression. After the initial side effects wore off, I was in heaven. I gained 30lbs but I was HAPPY!

The way I've been feeling lately, I'm tempted to try prozac or something. I never thought my symptoms could be as bad as they are right now! not in million years did I think I would be in this physical and mental state.

As usual, ditto to all. When I was on 2.5 mg Lex, though, while building up, I felt like anxiety
got a little better. Now back to high anxiety. This stinks so much.

I've taken 10 mg. of lexapro before and never had anxiety. I'm on 5 mg. now, my own choice, and I wonder if I should go back to 10 or if something has changed in me now that would make that amount trigger more anxiety. It's all such a frustrating balancing act.

I've used the estrogel and prometrium together twice, and just estrogel yesterday and today. I think the prometrium makes me more depressed. I know since I still have a uterus that I'm supposed to offset any estrogen replacement with progesterone, but, geeze louise, it's not worth feeling more down! Sigh...

Of course having to get out the door for work every morning is a major challenge, especially going to a job I hate. Wish I could just hide out at home for a few months and get a grip!

Shel

Hi All-

Another sufferer checking in. Morning anxiety s*cks. I have trouble getting into the shower too. Go figure since I used to love to shower. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I could feel like such a mess.

The morning anxiety by the way isn't just in the morning, right now it is almost continuous. Sometimes it is so bad I feel like crying have to take deep breaths and get back under control.

I need to be able to function and I do not want to leave a job that I love because of this crap. I doubt I would feel much better at home anyway.

I wish I could just turn the anxiety off and then the depression would lift (I am sure of it). I am waiting for my saliva test to come back this week. My God why do these things take so long to be resolved. I feel like I am at the end of my rope sometimes, then I will feel normal for a bit. Up and down Up and down.

Please someone fix us so we can enjoy life again.

I am going back to see my CBT counselor. I need a refresher course and she can perscribe ADs if needed. I am just about ready to try anything for relief from this intense anxiety.

Sandy

Lidge,

How did the appt. go?? Were you able to get anthing resolved? Been thinking about you! Keep us posted.

Leanne

Dleane -

I went to new gyno last night and it was an emotional disaster for me. I went beause I thought I had
a UTI, but apparently I dont. She couldn't tell me anything else because I had my period and she told me to come back for an endometrial biopsy and pelvic ultrasound when I don't have my period.

Well, while I was sitting on the table waiting for her, I was getting more upset as I feared and she could see something else was bothering me. Well the floodgates opened. I told her it has gotten to the point that I am trying an antidepressant. Her suggestion, needless to say, was low dose birth control. When I heard that, I really started feeling sick inside because my one experience with bc was a disaster and I am 47 and my mother died of a coronary at a very young age. Also, it is my understanding women get more depressed on synthetic bcs. Her point was you have to try alot of things to see what works.

What I find odd is that I chose this practice because the male doctor does natural hormones should I choose to go that route. He told me though, that he would not do them at the same time I am on an
anti-depressant. This female doctor, said it is fine to do birth control pills and antidepressants. What the heck is the diffference? I really wasn't in any shape to discuss anything in a rational way and just left in tears. Her suggestion was Loestrin. I think she was more concerned with regulating my period and keep
me from getting pregnant(Ha) than alleviating what is the problem that is really ruining my life now, which
is horrible anxiety and depression.

Has anyone taken birth control for the express purpose of improving anxiety? I thought it did just the opposite. I know I can still discuss this with my psych and the other doctor may agree to do natural hormones, but her whole speech just left me feeling sick. I don't know what to do anymore.
Any feedback on these low dose birth control from those feeling horrid anxiety/depression would be appreciated. Thank you dleane for asking. I'm going to have a good cry now if I have any tears left.

Hi Lidge,

Just got back yesterday, and wanted to check in.

I can't blame you for feeling ambivalent about this doc appointment! I really think they just don't get it - it's hard to understand why the first doc didn't feel it was appropriate to take natural bios and antidepressants at the same time. What was his justification for why that would be a problem?

And why does the new doc want to do all that testing?

Where your question's concerned, some people do feel that hormone replacement can help depression/anxiety - I think like everything else, some women feel better doing this, and some don't. It depends on whether you wish to experiment.

As I mentioned before, to lift from depression, I was willing to try ANYTHING. Whatever gets you through the night!

What's your next step as far as these docs are concerned? I'm about ready to drop my doctor (long story - I just got her bill for my yearly physical, and am horrified!) .

JJ

JJ-

How wonderful to hear from you again! Hope you had a great vacation. I didn't realize there was a place to
post photos - I saw your photo and let me say you are as beautiful outside as you are on the inside!

The gyno wanted to do the endo biopsy and ultrasound, I think, because I had a few cycles that were about
21 days and maybe one that was 18 days. That always seems to set off alarms, although her colleague that does the natural hormones said during a past consultation that its probably hormones, but that they would not prescribe hormones till I had an endo biopsy done. I'm having it done tomorrow, although not sure they can do the ultrasound tomorrow. I have been having deep vaginal pain that I thought was a UTI or yeast, but last week they confirmed it was not UTI. They couldn't check for yeast because I had my period, so hopefully they can check at least that tomorrow. Its tough enough fighting the mental stuff without having pain on top of it. Did you have any vaginal issues taking the Lexapro? I read ADs can dry out out, I'm wondering if that set off something "down below"?

I saw my psych on Saturday, and told him that the gyno suggested b/c. He said he would do some research on it and I will call him Thursday. He fully admits that peri is a very misundertood time and there are not good answers. His daughter, as it turns out, has interstitial cystitis, so he understands as he has said "the arrogance" of many gynos. I seem to recall that you mentioned you suffer from that condition, JJ.

If I don't find something to explain and ease the pain, I really feel like I will sink even further. The psych thought I seemed better on Lex, (been on it one month) so we decided to stay with it for now, but what he saw is not typical of how I feel everyday and I really am not functioning. My anxiety just will not quit. This is how it all started! God Bless you JJ for thinking of posting me your thoughts - I really just want this nightmare to end already. I want my life back.

Are you going to a doctor outside of insurance? I am doing that for psych and if this doesn't resolve soon, I will go broke. The whole reason I went to this gyno practice is that it is the only one on my plan where any
doctor is willing to prescribe NHRT. It is absurd that we have to go broke in addition to suffering.

Once again, dear JJ. THANK YOU for caring.

Hugs
Lidge.