I'm relatively new here, though I signed up a year or 2 ago and lurk occasionally. I am hoping you wonderful gals might be able to give some feedback on the idea of a sabbatical from life. (Don't worry, I don't mean death, I just mean a big change! )

I am finding that the changes from peri-menopause, along with an ongoing existential crisis, and a right livelihood crisis, are all proving to be too much. This has been going on for a number of years but is coming to a head now, for some reason. (I'm 46.) I have struggled with depression for much of my life (dysthmia, the low-grade chronic kind) and meds have helped somewhat. But still, I'm going through all the classic signs of midlife change, psychologically and spiritually speaking. I have researched this topic quite a bit as I taught a workshop on it last year. So I know the rationale, but that doesn't stop it from being exquisitely painful. It seems endless, mostly because my blues have already caused a lifetime of suffering, and now this. And I'm an awfully optimistic and positive thinking person! It's odd for someone who's basically warm, funny and happy to be stuck with depression. (I am so blissful and appreciative of life when I don't feel blue And I appreciate life even when I am blue, now that I think of it. I just don't appreciate my blues.)

Anyway, I don't have kids to worry about - just a wonderful husband. Since I am directionless and have been for some time, what I really long to do is take several months to a year off for myself, in a different location. If I was single and had the $$ I'd do this in a heartbeat. Alas, I'm not single. As for $$, we have a small nest egg from a recent house sale, and our agreement is not to touch it. Spending it would be risky, but then again look at this: if you feel you're on the edge of madness, or a nervous breakdown, whatever that is, and you are arguing with yourself every day about needing some unstructured time for yourself, what do you do? Do you listen? Tell yourself the reasons it's foolish? Align with conventional thinkers, who play it safe, or unconventional thinkers, who take chances (and I suspect, live better and happier).

Do you know any women who did a time-off thing, or are any of you struggling with this question? How did you resolve it, if you went through it, and how long did it take?

Thanks so much, I hope I'm not alone with this!

Kaylie...first of all welcome back.

My questions are...what about your wonderful husband? Plan on taking him with you? Or will he be staying behind? Is he aware of your need to take several months to a year off for yourself?
I'm assuming you would be using the nest egg ??? Would he be aware, of you using this small nest egg from a recent house sale?

Oh...I have my days where I would just love to pack my bags and leave...I've been on the edge of madness, and nervous breakdown has crossed my mind...and yes... I could do with some unstructured time for myself. But, I have a loving responsibility to my wonderful husband who happens to stick by me, thick or thin...richer or poorer...you know all the vows.

Most or all the ladies here are going through classic signs of midlife change...but, do we all think about draining the nest egg....so....we can have unstructured time for ourselves...I think not.

Are you currently seeing someone for your depression?


Yep

Kaylie,

I have taken a "sabbatical" from my career. I quit my job due to burnout and the resulting depression. I haven't worked in 4 years. I think I really needed the rest and the break from stress! I have gotten over the depression, but now I find myself in peri and struggling with anxiety, not wanting to leave the house, lack of motivation and energy, etc. I also feel a "lack of direction" in that I feel like I'm kinda stuck in this place. I am not the person I used to be before all this, but I have come to accept the peri me and I'm okay with where I'm at. I have no idea where I'll be in 1 year or 5 years in regards to my peri, my career, and my state of mind.

I think perhaps you could consider taking a break from responsibilities. I don't know if you have a job, but you could take time away from your job, quit your job, find another job, or just stay home. Maybe you feel like running away from it because you don't enjoy it, or it doesn't make you feel like you are doing something meaningful.

I would NOT recommend taking time away from your husband...unless it's just a few days or a week away at a cabin or some relaxing place where you can have a little time to yourself to think or read or pray. It sounds like you love him a lot. Keep the relationship going and be there for him, and let him be there for you during this difficult time.

I don't quite understand the need to be in a "different location." Do you just feel a general sense of wanting to run away? Of not being able to handle things anymore? Running away won't solve anything. Perhaps it would help you to talk to a counselor about these feelings? Maybe what you are feeling is deep emotions that want to come up and be dealt with, and you are afraid to face them, so you push them down and it feels like you want to run away. I have felt that way in the past. What I did was start going to counseling and dealing with my hurts and fears and questions. It has been freeing and cleansing for me.

Let us know what you are thinking!

Kaylie..
I agree with the other girls. You should find a counselor to speak with.
I am so thankful to have my husband to help me through this meno mess. When I am at my lowest, I snuggle up in my husbands lap...we rock in the chair until I"m somewhat soothed. It would be nice if we could just rock and rock until meno is gone.....yup, years and years...but I suppose that won't happen.
Hang in there...
June

OMG, Kaylie, you have touched EXACTLY what I am contending with.

So nice to meet another "optimistic depressive."

Existential questions.... I go to the counselor each week - do we talk about the vicissitudes of dealing with peri? About relationship issues? The turbulent past?

NO - it always comes back to the big spiritual questions, why-am-I-here, what is God, with some science of how the brain works thrown in for good measure, hypotheses about body-mind connections. I might as well be earning a PhD, except there aren't any classes to take in "Self-Actualization 101!!!!"

The fatigue of peri-menopause has FORCED a sabbatical from life. Lots of time to lie around asking the million-dollar questions. So much feels inessential and foolhardy. People share their frustrations about this-or-that, their car is making a funny noise, they don't like their new hairstyle, and I just want to haul off like some obnoxious TV preacher and yell, "Are you thinking about your SOUL???"

Peri is driving me nuts. Truly.

I'm all for being unconventional. Follow your bliss. Tick-tock-tick, life is short - who knows how long we'll be here? On my deathbed, I want to look back and see some good dreams were realized...

We just used our retirement money to buy an Airstream trailer, and we'll be hitting the road at the end of April for some caravaning. Hell, if we go broke, we'll park the d*mn thing in my brother's driveway, and live there. I have 2 brothers, so we can go back and forth between them.

Thanks for raising this issue!

JJ

Joliejacq - at first I read your words "optimistic depressive" as "cosmic depressive". Appropriate for me as well. Thank you, gals, for your responses. It's gratifying.

To start with Yep's questions: thanks for your input! Yes, lots of therapy over my lifetime, with great results toward personal growth but not relieving depression. Not currently seeing anyone though. I have been on Celexa, an SSRI, for a few years, but its efficacy is failing and I probably need to switch to something else. I am strongly against, though, snuffing out spiritual and growthful cravings with medication or misguided counseling toward restoring one's duty to society. (I know this is not what you're saying, it just reminded me of counselors that do this). I think what the soul wants and what we humans think is important are often at great odds. It's trying to find our way through that kind of murkiness that causes a lot of pain and upheaval at midlife. Hubby is aware of all this struggling - he is open to moving to a better climate and is very supportive of this phase. He's said in the past that if I need to go off somewhere, we'd find a way to make it happen. Has tried to help me brainstorm a sabbatical of sorts but also is worried about using the nest egg. (Though that doesn't stop him from wanting his own toys, I can tell you.) So there are conflicting messages: change what you must but don't disrupt too much. Yikes!

RSgreen - I appreciate you sharing your story. If I may ask, how did you afford to take the years off from work? Even though my husband is supportive we couldn't afford for me not to work at least a little. Right now I've been working 1/2 time at the university, since November, but he would like me to get back to full time work by June due to financial concerns. As for my wish to be in a different location, I have determined that after 18 winters in the Northwest, the lack of sun has been making me ill! Contributing to my blues. So hubby and I have agreed to seek affordable places to live in California. (I know, an oxymoron.) It's not running away I am thinking of, but running toward an environment that my body and spirit respond to strongly: more outdoor time, more sun.

June_berry: yes, we gals with wonderful husbands are so lucky! Backrubs and snuggles are extremely important during this time.

joliejacq, I sense a kindred spirit! And it sounds like your partner is willing to travel and be unconventional too. What a lovely situation! You are right about the deathbed scenario, which is why we sold our house. Do I want my tombstone to say, "I paid off my mortgage" or do I want it to say, "I had adventures and lived a full life!"? I realize there is a middle ground, but so many of us retreat to the security issues... If you haven't gotten there already, I would strongly steer you toward a few midlife books I could recommend. I don't think it's just peri that brings women to this point of soul searching and questioning. It's a well-researched psychological process that affects men too, and some of us more than others - a turning inward to try and sort out what the heck we've been doing with our lives, why it doesn't feel good anymore, and how can we now honor ourselves and contribute to the world at the same time? Incredibly painful and rewarding at the same time: the chrysalis into the butterfly.

My daughter isn't talking to me right now. She doesn't understand I cant babysister her children right now. Somedays I feel like somebody should babysit me. Somedays I cant do anything. I tried to tell her I need time right now to take care of myself. I've spend my whole life worrying about what other people thought. Taking care of other people. I cant do it anymore. I dont feel bad about it either. Not all the time anyway. I thought I needed to get a job. That lasted one day. One day at a time. That all I can do right now. If people dont understand then I dont need those people in my life right now. I really mean that too. I dont know which book I read it in, but Ive read this is not the time to make any life changing moves. I've listen to books on tape in car. Read everything I can get my hands on to help me understand this. I'm just glad I have a husband that somewhat understands. Take Care and I think I know what your talking about. I feel like if I dont do it now I never will. It would just hurt to many people and I couldn't deal with that. So I'll stay and hope that tommorrow will be a better day. I know this probably doesn't make much sense, I sure some of you will understand.

Biggirl,

Good for you! It is important to learn to say no and to know our own limitations, even with family.

As far as counseling goes ladies, you have to go to a lot of rotten ones before you find a good one. Just like doctors. My hubby had agoraphobia for about 20 years. Because of the agoraphobia he was out of work quite often and could not get unemployment or disability. We went to dozens of counselors, paying money that we could not afford to try and get him better. We finally found some people an hour and a half from our house who really knew what they were doing. Miracle of miracles after 20 years he was cured. He still has an occasional panic attack but he went back to college, got a degree and has been working for 7 years. I don't know why we have to go through all of the quacks just to try and get better. It is especially hard to keep going when you feel so bad.

Kaylie, thanks for the clarifications! Oh, that makes sense that you feel blue in the Northwest. Perhaps a sunnier location would help you feel better.

How did we afford for me to not work? We went through our budget and reworked the numbers, cutting back on things like eating out and buying clothes, etc. I also added up the cost of my working: parking, clothes, lunches, gas, etc. Turns out almost half of my income was going to the cost of working. Maybe you could find things to cut back on, or you could sell some things you don't need, or you could find a cheaper housing arrangement? Or maybe you could find something you like to do and work from home? That's what I'm planning on doing. It would be nice if you could avoid using your nest egg. There is a peace of mind that comes with having a little something stashed away for emergencies and the future!

Wow. I'm sitting here in L.A. reading the above messages and feeling my sense of "aloneness" subsiding. Your supportive messages to each other are making my day. I've just joined Power Surge and bless Dearest for creating it, but bless you for being so kind and caring in your messages. I can identify with everything you've all said and thought I was going crazy. Hooray! I'm not and I'm not alone. Thank you.

p.s. I'm getting up the courage to see an M.D. who is supposed to specialize in holistic treatment of menopause (and the depression, anxiety, etc. that is overwhelming).

I've got kids. A 10 year old girl and a boy just had his 13th birthday, and a really sweet, loving guy (who I don't live with) who I love to bits, and I know he loves me, peri and all. When I first read your post I thought 'how selfish is she?'

Then I asked myself this. If I didn't have kids, right now, what would I do? No doubt about it. I would hit the road!!!

I honestly don't think there can be a woman alive going through this whole palava, peri, meno, midlife, whatever the hell it is, that doesn't think occasionally, often, all the time, what you are thinking right now. I want to get away, to be free, to just think, to just have space, to just focus on me, and what is happening to me right now.

I'm not going to judge you on this. You've got to do what is right for you and if it means eating up the nest egg then so be it. I don't have any nest egg to eat up lol, but with with one, or without one, I know I woudln't stay where I am, but would take my chances to do something different, to suit me, myself and no one else, at this time in my life.

I can't do it. I have my obligations and responsibilties at this time, and that's it. But if I didn't. You wouldn't see my A*se for dust!

At the end of the day, only you can decide what is right for you. It's your life, it's gonna be your death one day, and as a very wise old lady once said to me when I asked her about her life....

'When I look back, it's not the things I did that I regret, it's the things I didn't do'.

x

OMG Jenilou, you just uttered one of the words I don't have in my vocabulary! Along with "mistake" and "failure," I try never to use the word "selfish." Simply because I think it's too easy for us to be hard on ourselves - men and women alike - and too easy to overestimate our badness. Certainly there are times we can be selfish but honestly, I think most women are not selfish enough. When you have responsibilities it is so hard to gauge where the line between self-care and selfish is. Society does enough finger wagging at people who don't toe the line - it's so sad that we incorporate that harshness into our own thinking and believe we aren't entitled to much beyond our obligations and responsibilities. (I know you weren't calling me selfish, though - I understand what you're saying in your post. Thank you for the support!)

Of course, I don't have kids! That's a whole different ball of wax. But still, I've heard some women say they cannot take a break from family duties (when the kids are out of the newborn/toddler stages) and for the average middle-class woman that's baloney. I am so in awe of mothers and wives who find ways to recharge away from family. Many of us are so overconditioned to be there for others that we lose ourselves, which obscures our gifts and our joi de vivre. Which robs our family and world of our own unique light! There is a wonderful book called The Marriage Sabbatical, by Cheryl Jarvis. She does a great job of describing the cultural injunctions against women taking time for themselves, and she explores how we buy into it. I suspect her book didn't fly off the shelves because many people are threatened by the idea of women actually being separate people with their own needs and wants. Sure, intellectually they may see us as individuals, but in how many households are mom's or wife's needs on par with the others'? I realize it's part of the mom job to sacrifice. But with the isolated living conditions in today's culture, with everyone fending for themselves and needing services that must be purchased (with what money?), it's no wonder women/moms are often frazzled beyond limits. Used to be "the village" that helped out with kid care and provided support for mothers and wives. Now we all live in our neat little houses, where we can drive into the garage without ever having to speak to our neighbors. God forbid!

Ok, don't get me started! You can see why....

Oops, I forgot to say, welcome Wendie, and thanks for posting your thoughts. I think you'll find you will not feel alone here. Maybe you could post the outcome of your visit to the holistic MD? There seem to be a range of opinions and experiences on this board to the different schools of thought and approaches to peri and menopause - but that's as it should be, since we are all so different biochemically and so forth. So follow your inner guidance and let folks know how it goes!

Rsgreen - working from home part time would be great. What do you plan to do, any ideas yet? We've cut down on living expenses by selling our fixer-upper old house, and now we're renting and are going to move to insanely expensive California! (From insanely expensive Seattle.) Ha, how funny is that.

Biggirl, I can hear the conviction in your post and I applaud you for taking the time to do what you need right now. Boy oh boy, it can be tough. You keep taking care of yourself!

JudyL - I agree, good counselors are hard to find. And the thing is, you don't know if they're not good until you've spend quite a bit of resources with them....

You know, I'd love to just quit my very challenging job and take a sabbatical. But I really can't. I don't have the liberty of making that choice, as my DH doesn't make enough to support us. So I put up with a cranky, impatient boss who makes me constantly nervous, just to make a paycheck to support the lifestyle we have. And I've recently started having hot flashes at night that totally interrupt my sleep, which makes dealing with my job all the more difficult. But I know that as long as we stay where we're living and pay the taxes we do, I dont' have the luxury of even considering quitting my job. I feel bad for other PS ladies who also don't have that choice.

I'm going to give my new job 6 months and see if I can handle the stress. If I can't, then I, too, may be tempted to give up and suggest to my DH that we change our lifestyle (which is just middle class, mind you), and do something different for my sanity. But I do think about my ancestors who had a lot more challenges and somehow had a fighting spirit and managed to make it because they had to. Am I just being a wimp because I was raised with a lot more ease? I'd like to think that I'm not just being a weakling. Life isn't easy and a lot of people really don't have the choice of just up and quitting their job. I hope I can call on my faith in God and get some supernatural strength to keep on keeping on.

I envy those of you who can even consider not working outside of their home. To me it is the most unnatural thing to not be home, to not be able to volunteer, to not be able to spend time with friends or hurting people who need a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear. I hate that I have to earn an income, that this world is to the point that it takes two incomes to manage a decent life. I just don't have the luxury of considering anything else right now. I'm stuck.

Kaylie, I have a background in writing and editing, so I will be doing freelance writing and editing from home. It's my dream to be able to work from home and to run my own business! I have other business ideas, but no energy or money to pursue those yet.

I hope you can come up with some ideas for a home business. If you like being around people, you could do Pampered Chef or some other party-based sales. Or you could buy things at garage sales and then sell them on Ebay. Or maybe some local business needs some transcribing done. Or if you're good at cooking, you could to catering or sell baked goods or candies. Or you could buy an apple orchard or tree farm. Or you could open a B&B. (See, I have lots of ideas!)


Oops! I mean "do catering"....Bad editor, bad!

First time to post an anything to this website. I've looked everywhere to see if there is any kind of support for women going through midlife. I haven't found anything until this site to which I am so thankful.

Regarding "Midlife Dropouts, a marriage/life sabbatical?"

I am living this for over the past year. I separated from my husband of 33 years for over a year now. I have 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren. My son is a orthopedic surgeon and my daughter is a Nurse Practionair They reason why I bring this up is that I was a stay at home mom and take a lot of credit for their achievements as far as giving them the confidence to achieve their goals whatever they my be.

I come from a family of 8. My mother died almost two years ago and my 58 year old brother died this year.

When my mother died the "out-of-towners" family members all fell apart. So now I only have one sister I'm close to and we live in the same city.

Here's what I'm trying to get at.

- Got married at 19 and 20
- Had 2 kids
- Life was grand
- Kids go to college (empty nest; badly)
- Husband was demoted and a huge pay cut;
- My mother gets sick and dies;
- I lost my family (sisters & brother)
- Daughter gets married
- Went into another deep depression that is now under control

I had a good marriage except when the stress got too much for my husband at work he would let it out by yelling at me (not all the time but enough over 8/9 year period). And I’m sure I had my faults. I am not blaming all this on him at all.

That's the background and I wanted to say again I've been separated for a little over a year. Never, ever, have I been on my own. Never even had my own bedroom!

Over a year ago I did tell my husband that I didn't love him (I can only imagine how that hurt) then I moved out. After telling my husband that it was then I contact a very old boy friend that I haven't see or spoke to in 36 years. We started emailing each other and I went to see him six months after the initial contact and then another time six months after that. We are still communicating. He lives across country from my location.

My spouse and children are aware of everything. My husband has been so so helpful and patient with me. My son wasn’t talked to me since July. My daughter is now close to me like before. My husband is by my side during this very trying period in my life. I can say I bet there aren’t too many spouse’s that would put us with this. We spend a lot of time together.

I would never believe this would ever happen to me and my family. For the first time in my life I’m putting myself first. Trying to find that inner peace and happiness. But, as it turns out I’ve hurt a lot of very dear people. But, I continue to be separated. And, continue contact with my male friend.

I file like I’ve been directed in someway to go through this … I can’t begin to explain it. Even after everything I’ve written I will never regret this past year.

Ladies write back but please don’t be too harsh on me … I’m just trying to find my way through this thing we call midlife (I’m soon to be 52; still not in the actual change of life).

Any feed back would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Stayingalive ................. welcome to PS

We're all just trying to find our way through these turbulent, re-defining years. Thank you very much for your deeply honest and heartbreakingly moving post. Changing a dynamic in a family is never easy, it takes courage and compassion by all involved. Welcome aboard Stayingalive ...................

Julie x

Hi staying alive -
Thank you for posting your story. It is always good to come back to a post made long ago and see that people are still responding.

Your patient husband is such a blessing in this difficult time! I'm so glad you appreciate him for that. It's too bad your son isn't talking to you, but it seems when Moms take care of themselves in less conventional ways, Mom gets a lot of flak - from one or all. Though this part is painful it's amazing and wonderful you are exploring this calling of yours.

I can relate to the calling aspect, and the fact that it's very hard to explain to others. In some ways it feels like choosing between life and death to me. It's that urgent; feels like there is no going back to certain ways of being. When things like this happen to women, it's often so outside the cultural norm that very few understand, and prefer to be critical or judgmental. Have you seen the book called The Marriage Sabbatical? If not I would highly recommend it for this stage. As well as another book called The Erotic Silence of the American Wife. I reviewed both on Amazon at one point because some of the reviewers do just what I mentioned: judge and criticize. For a woman to explore or claim deep personhood outside the traditional roles of work, childraising and home is just too threatening to some. Libido in its largest sense is all about the life force that instigates these changes you and we are going through. It's about much more than sex - it's about life direction, being truly alive, getting closer to god and nature - and our Selves, which are the same as god and nature anyway.

You are a brave woman and I wish you much luck! I am understanding of you having few or no regrets. To make a delicious omlet (meant ultimately to share!) you have to break a few eggs. And I'm positive this transition will ultimately be for the benefit of you, your loved ones, and your communtity - and thus, the world.

When my son left for the peace corps three years ago, I was soooo tempted to pack a bag and join him. No worries just live in a hut and teach english.
I live in the country and my views are trees and farm land, quiet and private. I do not have to work, but I can not change how I feel >>> I have never been so discontented in my life!
I have even thought about going and living with my Dad.. My husband has been so good with giving me space but I do not know what I want out of life or who I am anymore.
Kaylie I have never suffer from depression before peri-meno, but I do now! So it doesn't matter if you have before or not! I find comfort in Susun Weed book since she talks about these feeling of JUST taking time off!
Maybe someday all this maddest will have meaning!

We have moved twice in the last three years> it doesn't help! I don't care where I wouldbe right now I wouldn't be happy!
Rubyrose wrote this for me awhile back, I think it's from the bible>

Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest!
I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness.
How quickly I would escape--far away from this wild storm.

Heh - Snowmoon, re: the depression.... I have struggled with it for most of my life, and I can't tell if peri is making it worse or better! (Thank goodness I found some decent meds, anti-med as I am sometimes).

Anyway, I feel for you, and know what you are talking about. I think the idea of joining the Peace Corps is not at all nuts. Or any idea like it. There's lots of stuff out there published on the "limbo" of middle age and as more boomers enter that stage, you can bet there will be more still. One thing I notice is that no matter how poignantly or authentically anyone writes about their experience - whether it's midlife, the death of a loved one, or some kind of difficulty - it does not prepare us for how painful it can be when we ourselves are going through it.

In a book, it's over in a few pages or hours. In our lives, it's always present and seems never ending!

But, I know enough from reading accounts of others and talking to them that indeed, we do come to some understanding at some point, and we come to some peace, and a different place. It s*cks in the middle though. Better to read up on it and understand that there is a reason for it, than to suffer in ignorance!

Though it's a cliche, don't forget - the butterly is developed in a tight, inhibiting cocoon, and when it's being born is a folded up, messy looking thing that takes forever to struggle out of its wrapping. But what a beauty when it finally spreads its wings!

Here is a vignette from the novel Zorba the Greek:

"I remembered one morning when I discovered a cocoon in the bark of the tree, just as the butterfly was making a hole in the case and preparing to come out.

I waited a while, but it was too long appearing and I was impatient. I bent over it and breathed on it to warm it. I warmed it as quickly as I could and the miracle began to happen before my eyes, faster than life. The case opened, the butterfly started slowly crawling out and I shall never forget my horror when I saw how its wings were folded back and crumpled; the wretched butterfly tried with its whole trembling body to unfold them. Bending over it, I tried to help it with my breath. In vain. It needed to be hatched out patiently and the unfolding of the wings should be a gradual process in the sun. Now it was too late. My breath had forced the butterfly to appear, all crumpled, before its time. It struggled desperately and, a few seconds later, died in the palm of my hand.

That little body, I do believe is the greatest weight I have on my conscience. For I realize today that it is a mortal sin to violate the great laws of nature. We should not hurry, we should not be impatient, but we should confidently obey the rhythm of people and things."