This seems to be a little bit out there as far as this board, but I'm hoping someone out there will read it and have some suggestions for me.
I'm almost 46. My husband is 59. We always had a decent sex life, though as we had kids and got busier, the frequency decreased. But I always knew we could have sex if we wanted to -- until he got prostate cancer at age 54 and became impotent. We've tried all the ED drugs; no luck. A few times, we tried, and though he could not penetrate, he stimulated me and it was OK. Now, there's nothing. I feel as if we're living together as friends, not lovers. I have had some sexually explicit dreams. I miss the intimacy. I don't know if we'll ever get it back. I sometimes fantasize about having an affair, though I know that would be stupid. We've never done counseling. We've never talked about this. I don't even know if he knows how I feel. I feel like we're drifting apart, and are only together because we're fond of each other, and because our kids (ages 15 and 13) need us and would be devastated if we split up. I don't dislike him. I just miss the passion of the early years. Sorry for this rambling post. Anyone with any suggestions, or who is in a similar situation with the impotency, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks.

You still can be intimate without having actual sex. Books, counceling, etc. can help with this. Also there's always the 'toys'. Sometimes I prefer a good back rub to sex. There's probably other cyberboards out there about your particular issue, but be careful, you'll probably get more than your looking for!

Has he talked to his doctor, the one he saw for the prostate cancer? I know there are things out there if the Viagra/Levitra/Cialis drugs don't work. I don't know all the details but there are pellets, injectables, and even tubes that can be surgically implanted to inflate for an erection - this works when all else fails for severe diabetics and those who have had prostate cancer. A good urologist should know all the possibilities as this is part of their specialty. You are both too young to give up without exploring all the options. Your hubby may be depressed and not talking about what is happening but I am sure the loss is important to him too. He may need a lot of encouragement from you to look into it but help is out there for just this type of situation!

you have to talk to him about this... talk honestly about how you feel, it's the only way... i know nothing about this, but i do know open discussion between partners in life is the best way to sort things out... has he seen anyone about this?

coachmom, I have no solution for your predicament, but I would think this will be a relationship in serious trouble if something is not done.

I've read that "sex is the glue that holds a marriage together" and I think there is a lot of truth in that. It's bonding, it's physical pleasure, it's sharing, it's comfort, it's oneness. The loss of all that will surely have deep and agonizing consequences for you and the marriage.

Counseling is one step. Take it. See where things go from there. Seek out better medical attention and advice. Doing nothing is doing nothing. No improvement can be expected to occur as long as no one is talking about the problem and ya'll are not looking for remedies. Consider the reality of not taking action to find some kind of resolution: a life devoid of sex for the rest of your married days.

You husband is likely devastated by his inability to have sex. Think how men view this as their premium prowess in life. He must be crushed. You will have to take the lead in ferreting out help because he will likely be too ashamed and humiliated and discouraged to to do so.

I wish I could provide you with some references or starting point but I haven't any. I just know that you have to do something. Talk to a urologist? Marriage counselor? Sex counseling? Surf the internet with keywords and see what comes up, maybe a resource or idea which hadn't occurred to you will pop up. Maybe someone here will have better ideas.

But you can't just let this go and hope it will eventually cease to be a problem. One way or another it needs to be aired out and dealt with. I hope and wish for you to find some solutions.

I can totally relate to you -- I am 48, my husband 45 and we haven't had sex in 5 years! Mostly because he was very sick and still has health issues and can't work but my sex drive has gone and I don't think I will ever get it back. We live as parents, not husband and wife, with our 8 year old son. My 18 year old son has gone to college but comes home on the weekends. It gets lonely as we don' t touch or kiss or get close at all, but at least I have my sons. I work full time and he is on disability so the fact that he is home is a large part of how I feel because he takes and picks up our son from school and I would love to do that, but I have to work. We don't really talk much, except about our sons. And I thought I was alone in this situation.

Coachmom - I hadn't yet joined the board when I saw your letter; you inspired me to join! I wanted to recommend a book: "Making Love Again" by Virginia and Keith Laken. He had a radical prostatectomy some years ago and the book is the story of how they handled the resulting impotence.

My DH had a radical cystectomy last summer, due to advanced bladder cancer. Happily, he is doing great; no recurrence at all. One of the inevitable side effects of this surgery is impotence, but the surgical team that performed his surgery had already planned for that; a 3-part inflatable penile implant was included in the surgery.

The implant is the most extreme treatment for male impotence, but its success/satisfaction rate is very high.

Your DH should bring this matter up with the urologist who treated him for the prostate cancer. (You could also make that phone call.) If the urologist doesn't have answers, or says something to the effect of "oh, that's just the way it goes" then find another doctor.

Of course, ultimately, your DH has to want to find a solution. The book I suggested may be helpful to your DH; it is told from both points of view and is pretty much no-holds-barred as far as telling the truth. Sometimes it really helps to know "hey, I'm not the only one".

My DH's libido has fluctuated since he had the implant hooked up - we had to wait a year to hook it up since we have no insurance and had to save some more money. Because the penile tissue had not been "inflated" either naturally or artificially for a year, there was some pain that had to be overcome. We are a few months down the line now from the hookup, and the pain is almost completely gone. The libido is still a challenge, but we are working on it.

I hope this is helpful. Also if you google "sex after prostate cancer" you'll find a bunch of good online resources. Good luck.

welcome to the club.....

I agree that you need to speak with him although I know sometimes having frank discussions like this is very difficult but chances are he is missing the intimacy as well. There are many many ways to reach orgasim without penetration and although he may not be able to experience one, I'm sure he would prefer to know you are satisfiied at home by him rather than elsewhere. There are also just as many ways to find intimacy and I think men need this as much as women although they may not be able to articulate it in the same way.

If you feel you can't talk with him, take him on a date night and bring the intimacy back first. Flirt with him, laugh with him, enjoy his company, let him know he's still the ONE even after his illness. If we can put ourselves into a man's position, we could imagine how we would feel if we were to have a masectomy? We might already feel less a woman, less desirable, we would need that extra assurance without the pressure of having to preform.

I'm sure you went through your own struggles having to be a care taker while he was ill and must be tired and exhausted as well.. My heart goes out to both of you.