I don't know why I did it , but I found myself having cybersex twice and I have a wonderful husband.  I guess I feel too unattractive for him to want me anymore or something. I feel so gulity now, even though if it were a real person (and it didn't seem like it was) I would never have done anything. Am I an awful person, and should I tell him or just shut up? I will never, never do it again. But it is adding to my anxiety. I love him very much and am afraid he wouldn't uinderstand, don't know if I even understand.

thanks for any responses, bingo1

Hi there Bingo.I have no experience of this, but have heard of it of course! I wouldn't have thought telling your husband would serve much purpose, unless you feel that It would help you to feel better, or would bring the two of you closer together.You know him so can guess what his reaction would be.If you feel undesirable for whatever reason, then this temptation is understandable, to feel 'desired' by someone who cannot see your body, must be a buzz in a way I can imagine.This is not adultery in my book, you have not really had sex with another person, but from your posting you feel gulity and it certainly doesn't sound as though it has made you happy.Maybe you could clock this one-off incident as just an extension of what most of us have done at some time, had imaginary liasons with other people despite being in secure relationships (Or maybe no-one else has, only me?Ooops! )You probably do need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling undesired etc though.I am sure some much wiser people than me will have good stuff to say to you come the morning In the States, but as there is only me here just now, I wanted to say something to you.Be happy  

bingo,First of all having cyber-sex has little to do with having a wonderful husband.  It has to do with YOU.  Don't be too hard on yourself, and please think long and hard before you discuss this with your husband.  You need to think about what your reasons are for telling him.  Would it be to ease your guilt, or to make your relationship better, etc.  If you tell him so that you will feel better (confessing),  then remember that it will become something for him to deal with also.  I am by no means telling you that you shouldn't tell him, just want you to think hard about it first.Cyber-sex is exciting because it's like meeting a total stranger in a strange place, and letting all your inhibitions go.  Unfortunately, most women can't do this with their husbands--whether it's because the husband doesn't like that sort of thing, or whether it's just too embarrassing after all the years, or what!  Gosh, I'm no expert on cyber-sex, but I SO understand what you're going through, having been a past "chat room junkie".  (I only visited a 40's room on a safe site--just so you all know! Lol)bingo, I'll end up writing a book here if I go on--why don't you email me, and I can share more and maybe help you out some?  I'm not sure if we're supposed to do this, but my email address is debrikkia@att.net if you care to talk more about this.  Good luck!

Debbi

Hi Debbi!I've been married for thirty years. Recently, I've found that everything my husband does irritates me! Sexually, from normally enthusastiac I have now become - well - irritable....  I too think its a question of body image. I know that even a trim and well exercised 55 year old woman is not eighteen years old. And though my husband expresses desire for me, I don't have that sort of desire for myself if you know what I mean I obviously would have had young. I too went into a cyber chat room some time ago. I pretended I was younger and gave myself a different 'personnage'. It was fun - but not 'it' either. I wonder is there any way of accepting oneself better sexually. There are times of course where one is too hot and bothered and simply having someone next to one is impossible. But there are others where there is a desperate need for communication and that sense of 'participation mystique' that real sexual committment gives. One has to be oneself and not play acting for this to take place. I find this time of life so difficult. The onset of physical problems. Finding oneself behaving so irrationally - like one's own mother!!  Or like one of the older women in a Shakespeare play who are so caricatured...Berenice

Bingo1,

Hi.  I will say don't tell your husband, unless you harbor a secret desire to rock the boat.  Because rock, it will.  Next, I would say, think about how you would feel if your husband had cybersex (only one time) because he was feeling unattractive and unwanted, before you decide to do it again.  Blame this attitude on my mom.  Whenever I'd ask her if something was right or wrong, she would say,  "Think about how you would feel if someone did it to you."  God, that woman had a conscience.I'm not trying to say you are wrong or right.  I had a real  affair just before my marriage broke up.  At the time I thought I was justified.  I still feel guilty about the hurt I caused.   I denied everything but my husband knew something was going on.  Don't we always?Much good luck, and hugs.  Been there.

Katlouschafer,       All my life I have heard that from my mother, what wonderful advice, isn't it? You know how much truer can you get. I have tried and I hope am successful to teach our three sons the same lesson, I totally agree with your good advice. Couldn't have said it better. Peace Cabo

I missed this back in May - was somewhat out of the loop beginning my recovery from surgery and various and sundry complications.

Complications - it's an interesting word and a very relative one, especially in your situation, Bingo. You've gotten some excellent responses. I agree with everything except telling your husband about the cybersex. I don't think cybersex is nothing, just as lusting in your heart isn't "nothing." You said you were feeling unattractive and obviously, the anonymity of the Internet makes that unattractiveness less important and maybe made you feel more attractive. There could be any number of reasons you engaged in cybersex. You had a brief "written" encounter. We all have places we sometimes think about going to or want to, but aren't sure it's the right thing to do.

I believe honesty between partners is important, but that doesn't mean we have to share every thought and feeling we experience in life. I don't know your husband's nature, but I think telling him about the cybersex may add fuel to the fire. For women, sex has many different meanings. Sexual release is more often an emotional experience for a woman. Whereas, with men, sex often has more to do with the physical.  We don't think like men and you really have no way of knowing how he'd react, so why even open the can of worms. If this were something you were doing every day, that would be a different issue, but a chance (or even planned) encounter isn't something worth jeopardizing your marriage over... unless you're having serious issues in your marriage that are sending you into the ether for your sexual fulfillment. That's another story. That needs talking about.

It's a fascinating medium with so many nooks and crannies. I remember thinking when I first found the "online world" many years ago, "This is so neat. It's like getting to know someone from the inside out." In short, not being affected by one's appearance, body language, mannerisms as we normally are, but simply getting to know someone from their inner soul - through words masked by nothing.

Dearest