Before I start, I want to mention that my husband is a very kind and thoughtful man.

But he's driving me nuts.

And I think it may just be *his* issue to deal with, but it still is making me feel like I'm just not good enough.

He's 12 years older than I am but still is relatively "randy".  Me....I'm just a dried up old prune at the tender age of almost-50 and it bothers him.

Again last night he wondered aloud what he could do to turn me into a "hussy".  See, I'm just not interested in sex much anymore (OK, twice a month...maybe) and he doesn't understand that it's not him.  He thinks I'd be a real sexpot with someone like George Clooney.  I tell him that if George were to spend the night with me, I'd likely occupy the time with him teaching him to crochet or do needlepoint.

Hubby still has a sex drive in spite of the prostate operation a year and a half ago and in spite of the high blood pressure meds he has to take.  

And he thinks I don't find him appealing, and there's nothing I can say to him to convince him that it's my own body betraying me.  

Sigh....  

Sorry to hear that. Men just don't get it sometimes do they? Have to heard of  "natural progesterone cream"? If not, try looking it up. It has a lot to offer. But I do agree, its your husbands issue. You just have the option whether or not to help him out or not.

Hi Uilleanne,

I just wanna give you a male perspective.

Firstly, I understand that you're feeling pressured, but I'm sure your husband isn't trying to make you feel like a "dried up old prune" any more than you're trying to make him feel unappealing. He's saying/doing inappropriate things out of frustration, rejection and fear. Not the best motivations for clear communications.

My wife started losing her libido a few years ago. My response was to push. Now her libido is completely gone, and though I can understand intillectually that it's not completely my fault, it hurts me deeply, and I do feel rejected.

Is it your husbands problem? Perhaps, but he has limited remedies. It's not like you stopped enjoying bowling. He could simply find someone else to bowl with. Obviously, this solution doesn't apply here.

But, having said that, I wouldn't look at it as your body betraying you (or him). It's just the way things are.

That's hard to understand, and frankly, I just "don't get it" either.

Hi, Shelly here.  I can understand somwhat what you're going through.  I have totally lost my libido when it comes to my husband.  I can still have some pretty rowdy dreams though!  I went to an OB/GYN about a year ago and discussed it with her.  She prescribed some testosterone cream.  It didn't help and I had to stop using it because my testosterone levels went way high, I would have had a better beard than my husband!I believe part of my problem is our overall relationship.  I have reached a point in my life where acceptance of the situation is not an option.  You see, the only time we have any intimacy is when he's horny.  I used to think things would improve with time.  That we'd develop a solid relationship with all the good things I would expect a marriage to have.  It hasn't happened yet and I've been married 24 years.  Sex used to be extremely important to me and I loved it.  But it's not satisfying to have someone, who never really talks with you any other time, roll over in the morning and "poke" at you to wake you up.  No caresses, no soft words, just wants to hurry up and get off so his needs are met.  That does something to a relationship after a while.  When I tell him no, which is the path I've started taking since I've tried to tell him my needs, he responds with cruel words like, a married man shouldn't have to get himself off, or if you won't I'll have to find someone who will.  Of course, THAT gets me turned on.   Bottom line, it's important to talk to your husband about this, not during sex though.  Pick a quiet moment during a neutral time.  However, you need to ask yourself if this is because of menopause or if it's because there are unresolved issues in your life that are rising to the surface.

Hi girls.

This is a problem I have been facing too.  I am divorced for almost 8 years now, although my ex and I still date from time to time.  He wants to get back together but I have absolutely no interest in sex right now.  I am 49 years old and I have been taking hormones for about 4 years.  I think, aside from other issues, which we all have to deal with, that loss of libido, along with the irritability and mood swings and hair loss, is nature's way of protecting women from getting pregnant during the transitional time from childbearing to the end of the menses.  Now this may sound simplistic, but nature goes way back to before hormone supplementsand birth control. And pregnancies during this time are fraught with problems and many times, birth defects.  Does that sound logical?  Believe me,  I have too much time to think. It seems to be all I do these days.  Try to figure out where I've been and where I'm going.  Having a man around right now would be too much for me.  It's so funny, because my ex, and other men I know, don't get it.  They think if I don't want to "see" them, I must be "seeing" someone else.  It is a totally foreign concept that I might just need a few years to "see" myself.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

 Hi everyone.  I'm fairly new here, been in peri a couple of years.....I think.  I am in the fortunate stage of very high libido........unbelievable to me actually.  But as I read the posts, I begin to worry.............I'm in process of divorce now........for a number of reasons which I still try to sort out.  Anyone else been in a high state of arousal ?  Mine has lasted 2 years consistently, and I am worried that it will come crashing down......I guess I'll prepare myself for that possibility.  And yes, my GYN said it is elevated testosterone from hormonal changes.    Thanks for sharing, everyone, I sit here for hours just taking in all of the information, and feel less alone each time I visit this forum.  

Hi MOJ

I don't know if I am part of the norm or not, but I had very high libido for the first several years of perimenopause.  When I started taking hormones it stopped.  I started taking DHEA with the PREMPRO and it seemed to help balance me out again but I had to experiment with the amounts.  My problem now is not physical, but mentally I don't want sex.  Although my GYN's nurse says "why is that a problem", and maybe it's not.  Personally, I don't feel it is because I am working through some old issues,  but everyone else seems to think there is something wrong with me.  If your over-active libido is not  creating problems in your life, enjoy it while it lasts, would be my thought.  Much love and enjoyment to you.Kathy

 Thanks Kathy Too Tall ( my dearest friend is 6' and I am 5'4", so your name was significant to me!  Plus her name is Kathy..........how bout that? )  I'm glad to hear this is part of the transition........which I hope lasts a long time.  Obviously we all are on our own trip here with the change.............I worry, but try to just take one day at a time.......and listen and learn here.  I am not ready for hormones, have tried a few natural products........I am thinking I may weather it without prescription meds?  I guess time will tell.  Luckily I know where to come for advice, comfort and info.

Thanks for the replies, everyone....  it was especially interesting to hear from a man, too....  

I understand what some of you are saying about unresolved issues.  I've asked myself if there are, indeed, unresolved issues at work here.  We'll only have been married seven years this month, so there can't be too many of them, I wouldn't imagine...

I think maybe I feel.....useless.

I'm agoraphobic, and can't go lots of places or work outside the home and I feel like I'm worthless and useless.  And I guess that isn't really conducive to good (sexual) feelings....

And now with the added anxiety and other weird symptoms that are happening during peri, I feel like I just don't want to leave the house for fear something really bad will happen out in public.

Argh!

Well, I was going to say that these are my issues, but they're really our issues, aren't they?    

MOJ--

My sister is doing it cold turkey too.  I admire you both.  I would have gone into the nuthouse if I'd tried it.  It's nice to know we do have relief if we need it.  Thanks for your reply.  Lots of love.  Kath

Uilleanne--

I so remember the feelings you are having.  That was the period of time I thought I was having a nervous breakdown, and other people thought I was too.  I was so-o-o-o-o relieved to find out it was my hormones.  Didn't make it too much more comfortable but I knew I WASN'T crazy for no reason and it was temporary ( if you can call 9 yrs temporary)  You'll make it.  Lots of love.  Kathy

Hello ladies!

I, too, am having libido problems.  I don't even arouse myself like I use to be able to do.  I have tried explaining this to my husband (of 5 months) and he doesn't get it either.  I've told him that it is me and not him, but he still acts like a teenage boy who has been told that his girl won't go all the way!  He expects me to have sex every day!  I try to do the best I can, but all it does is upset me because I don't have the same "feelings" of pleasure that I use to have.  This in itself depresses me.  He would also like me to dress like a 20 year old.  I am trying to understand his needs, but he won't even listen to what I am going through.  He told me that it is in my head and that menopause is an ailment and that I don't have it.  So, in the mean time, I have an appointment with the gyno to be checked out.  God, please let him find something with me so I know it really isn't in my head.

Dear Garlando

My heart goes out to you.  How old are you and your husband?   From here, it sounds like he is younger  than you.  I cannot tell you what you should do.  I can only say what I would do, and I should tell you I speak as a divorced (and loving it) woman.  If you really love this man, maybe a marriage counsellor as well as a GYN would be a good thing.   I can say that you sound like a lovely human being who has much to offer the world, and as such, deserve to be in the company of people who appreciate those qualities.  You're in luck!   You have friends here.

Much love,

Wow Shelly I can sure relate to you. I have been going through the same problems for at least 4 years now.Sex had become mechanical to me. The only time my husband touched me or was nice to me was when he wanted sex. Thats even the only time he paid any attention to me and I started resenting it. He wouldn't be nice about it, he would grope like a teenager, which completely turned me off. When I tried to tell him, he would get angry and moody. He never wanted to listen to my feelings or my needs, and I've completely lost interest in having sex with him.  Along with being menopausal, matters didn't improve. We had a wonderful sex life before, but he became so insensitive about it, it just turned me off.I am so full of anger and resentment now I don't know if our relationship will ever get better. We've been married for a long time, but getting further apart than closer like I had always imagined.How can men become so insensitive? Its like they only think of themselves and their needs and don't want to listen to ours. I had begun to feel so used, physcally and emotionally that I've shut myself down completely.He must actually believe that this is the way it is supposed to be, that I will respond to his unromantic and unfulfilling gestures. I can live without such a uncaring, insensitive, selfish man.

(Edited by victoriasecret51 at 10:41 am on April 25, 2002)

Hi Victoria,

Just interjecting a man's view again.

Your situation sounds very much like mine (except I'm experiencing it from the man's perspective of course).

I behaved very much like your husband. Yes, he is (and I was) insensitive. No argument there. I actually thought I was seducing my wife - not raping her.

I'm not quite sure why I started listening to my wife, but when I did, the floodgates were opened. She told me pretty much exactly the same thing as you're posting.

I was blind-sided. Honestly! I'm not an insensitive, uncaring person. I screwed up.

Just wanted to give you some food for thought. I was blind, but now I see.

Think your husband might have the same mindset?

How wonderful to have a man's perspective on this subject!  SNA, I sure hope you're posting your views on some of the other boards too!  I appreciate your point of view, and know the other women do also.

I've read all the posts here, and it seems we all have one thing in common, even though our situations are different.  It seems that when our libido drops, we tend to start pulling away from the men in our lives because sex is not "fun" anymore.  Our men then, start wanting it more often--possibly because we make them feel insecure?  Sex does become "mechanical" when you don't enjoy it.  Pretty soon, you don't even want your husband to touch you, because you know he will want sex.  I think this becomes a viscious cycle after a while, and our relationships begin to suffer in other ways.  I think it's probably very important for us to be specific about our needs--to literally TELL them what would please us, and what doesn't.  If the tables were turned, I would certainly want my husband to tell me that he didn't enjoy sex any longer, and to have a chance to talk about ways to work this out, before it got to the point where he didn't want ME any more either!  It would be miserable to live with someone who didn't really even want you around.  One positive thing--at least the men still find us desireable sexually--maybe it's up to us to teach them how to show it in an appropriate way?  Anyway, I didn't get this across as I'd planned, but  then I don't get ANYTHING across as I'd planned these days!  These are just my thoughts......

Debbi

Thanks for the kudos, Debbi. I don't do much posting around here because I don't really have much input. Though you appreciate the male perspective, my wife doesn't.

I wish she shared more of what she's going through, but she considers my interest to be nosiness, and interfering.

That leaves me to try to figure things out on my own, and that's why I come here from time to time.

I have to say that you may THINK that if the tables were turned, you'd want your husband to tell you that he didn't enjoy sex anymore. For me it was devistating.

Perhaps because it wasn't so much technique, but her loss of libido which may be due in part to hormones, but she attributes it more to my insensitivity.

And, let me tell you. THAT HURTS!

It hurt when she told me, and it still hurts a year later.

It'll hurt a year from now, too.

(sigh)

I feel bad for you SNA. It must be hard to be completely shut out like that. You don't say how your marriage was before  but I"m assuming things were ok until she started perimenepause. I try to share as much as possible with my husband. Sometimes however, I feel I give him more information than he wants to hear! Too bad you couldn't get your wife to check out this web site. Maybe she could open up  to the  other women and you could read about the symptoms she's experiencing.I agree with you Debbi, in that it is also up to us to show our men what pleases us and not just assume that they should know.  Even though our libido is declining, I think we should try to work on maintaining our sex lives as well as we can using whatever it takes to prevent ourselves from becoming inoperable. You know - " use it or lose it " !

Suzie

Suzie,I, like you feel bad for SNA.  I also feel bad for his wife, and I understand that many women are in what society terms as "denial".  Not sure that's what it is, but for some women, menopause, be it peri, full on, or post, is a scary thing, and no woman wants to admit that her body is "maturing".  I do think alot has to do with what we've "each" been taught, and have been exposed to in our lives, concerning this change.  It's hard, any way you look at it.About the declining libido.....those of us who have a mate who understands, are blessed . There are all kinds of ways to make sure our mates are satisfied.  That doesn't mean that we have to "jump in the sack" or feel guilty if we don't, every time our mate wants to.  TALK ABOUT IT!  Tell your mate how you're feeling, and if he can't, or doesn't want to understand, then there probably has been a problem a long time before menopause ever entered the picture!This shouldn't be a time of pulling apart....but of drawing together.  Why does it seem to be so hard?

Debbi

Thanks for the sympathy, gals.

Yes. It’s very hard to be shut out. Suzie: don’t worry about information overload. I’d much rather be “overloaded” than shut out.

There are so many questions that will have to go unanswered.

My wife has said that she’d be just as happy if we never had sex again. I’ve told my wife of the wonderful intimacy that I felt when we had sex. She stated that she hasn’t felt that for a long time. On some occasions, she’s acted like she enjoyed it. On other occasions, she’s acted like it is an intrusion. Sometimes she combines these reactions.

I never know if she’s trying to hurt me by being distant, or trying to save my feelings by “faking it.” A lot has been said about how a woman wants to feel loved and desired. I have to say that us guys (at least me) do too, and it’s devastating when we’re pushed away like this.

I agree with Debbi. It’s not a time to pull apart. I don’t think it’s ever a time to pull apart, and frankly, it pulls ME apart.

So, by all means, share your feelings. But be gentle, gals. Even us strong silent types have feelings.

Hi SNA,Have you tried talking to your wife about how hurt you feel by what she's told you? Could you maybe ask her if there was anything that would make her feel better? A back rub? Going out to dinner? or a weekend away to somewhere she would like to go? I know that during this time in her life she's no doubt feeling self absorbed and not herself at all and needs to be pampered a little. Believe me, it's a very difficult time.... it's like you're "living inside your own head" as one of the other women put it. I don't know if you can imagine what it's like, but it's hard to focus on anything else in the outer world and enjoy life and be free. It's like you're stuck inside yourself in your own little world of misery and uncontrolable emotions overtake your mind. If she's faking it during sex I'd say she's trying to make you ( and herself) feel better . I'd start with a slow gentle foot rub and see if she could relax..... don't expect anything else, but look for clues to see if she is enjoying being touched and caressed....She needs to know that you care about her in other ways except the bedroom!

Good luck!

Suzie

Thanks for the advice, Suzie.

There’s a rather complicated background to this. We’ve both gone through clinical depression, and our oldest child is autistic. Suffice it to say that there are a lot of stressors in our lives. Some within our control, and others that are not.

We have four clingy kids. Understandably, she doesn’t particularly want me hanging off of her too. Sometimes she seems to see me as just another leach. So, she’s not really interested in a back rub or anything like that. I’ve tried backrubs and footrubs. It sorta makes her cringe.

Contrary to popular “knowledge”, men like to cuddle, and it doesn’t have to lead to sex. It’s also very difficult for us when we want to cuddle and are pushed away. Yes, I understand that she needs her space, but it still feels like rejection.

Having gone through depression, I do understand self-absorbtion and living inside your own head.

I also do whatever I can to give her space and show her I care. I know she needs that because she’s exhausted. Stress, hormones, heavy responsibilities. I really do understand. She's not interested in dinner or a weekend away. I've given her the odd weekend away from me and the kids.

I don’t think she’s faking it during sex. There were times when it “didn’t work” and she told me so. I’m very grateful for this honesty. It lets me know that she isn’t always faking it.

Or is she? I still have my doubts sometimes. Yes, faking it is supposed to make husband (and wife) feel better. It probably does, too. Except that as soon as the husband finds out that his wife has faked it. He never knows again.

Hi SNA,There's always more to the story than what meets the eye, isn't there? Sounds like both you and your wife have had a hard time raising 4 children  plus having one autistic. That is a struggle in itself. Then add the fact that both of you have had clinical depression no wonder things are hard now. I guess I really don't have any suggestions for you except maybe you should concentrate on doing more things that make YOU happy. There must be hobbies or activities that you once enjoyed that you've neglected while raising a family etc....  Sometimes solutions to problems are easier when we're involved in something relaxing and enjoyable. I wish you luck and please keep reading and posting. We are all friends here !

Thanks Suzie,

Yeah. it's difficult to post your life - or even recent history. I'm already doing things to make myself happy, and trying to help my wife in her quest for happiness, too. It's a balancing act. Kinda hard to keep all the balls in the air sometimes.

I guess I wasn't really posting for advice. I was just trying to point out to you gals that (as you said) there's always more than meets the eye, so I'm just cautioning you against judging your husbands too harshly. We may appear insensitive, but it's more likely that we're just inept.

From my point of view, I suppose I just want to see some hope. Will my wife ever get her libido back? Will she ever want to be intimate with me? BTW, by intimate, I also mean letting me in on her feelings.

We used to be so close. We're so far apart now.

Haven't been around for awhile.  Silly me, SNA, have you told your wife about Powersurge?  It seems to me your best bet in getting her involved with you is to get her involved here.  Does she know about it?

Kat

No, Kat. She doesn't know about this site.

I don't dare tell her because she'd freak out. Any time I've asked her personally about what she's going through, she's basically told me to mind my own business. Any time I've told her that I've been reading up on peri, she freaked out.

Doesn't seem like there's any way she'll let me inside her shell.

Hi SNA,It sounds like you're trying all the right things. Wish I could help more..... Yes, that's a good point about judging men too harshly. I think that happens. I think most men are great for hiding their own feelings. It seems like the reverse in your case. From what I've read, many women do gain their libido back after menepause- I can't really speak for myself because I'm still in perimenepause and probably still have a ways to go! Good luck and keep  up your positive attitude!

Suzie

Thanks for the encouragement, Suzie.

I really don't know what else I can do. I hope you're right about my wife getting her libido back. I also hope she'll want more non-sexual contact. I miss the affection, too.

I also hope we can get our personal intimacy back.

Y'know? I'd just like to have some time alone with her to talk. We don't get that, and she doesn't want it.

Seems like all she wants is space. It's hard to give it to her when I want to be with her so much. Y'know?

Anyway. Thanks for the support, Suzie, and I hope things are well and will continue to get better for you and your husband.

SNA

SNA,

This is interesting. How old are your kids?  Does your wife work outside the home?  

Kat

SNA --

I can sympathize with your plight, as my husband certainly would! But I have to tell you, I could see myself in your description of your wife.

For the majority of my adult life, I had a very healthy interest in all things sexual. My husband always found it amazing that I could get turned on at the drop of a hat.

Then in the past couple of years, things changed, without me even realizing it. It was't until things really bottomed out last fall that I realized that I hadn't even had a sexual thought, dream or desire in many months. The idea of sex was at best annoying to me, and at worst, repulsive. I didn't want my husband to even touch me. I just wanted to be left alone.

As I read and learned about hormone replacement therapy, I also learned about the role testosterone plays in sexual desire. After reading a book on the topic, I realized that I was severely testosterone deficient. Now that I have it included in my HRT, I can tell you that it makes a HUGE difference! It's like I got the old me back, and my husband is quite happy.

So I guess my message is that your wife probably cannot help herself. Sexual interest is not something you can "will" yourself to have. If the hormone that stimulates the process is missing, the desire will not be there. This does not mean she doesn't love you. It just means she is incapable of expressing love in a physical way if her brain chemistry is not receiving the right hormonal messages.

My suggestion is to try and get her to see a medical professional who is knowledgeable about the latest peri-menopausal treatments. I know from experience they can be very hard to find. But the results are so worth it!

It’s funny how this thread has turned from a rant on male insensitivity to an advice column for SNA. Thanks everyone.

You gals all have good advice, and I wish I could take it.

Linda,

You certainly do sound like my wife, and I would like nothing better than if she were to seek medical advice. In fact, I’ve already encouraged her to do so, and it brought out a lot of resentment. She reluctantly saw her GP and was put on BCPs. This somewhat helped her other peri symptoms, but did nothing for her libido.

I’m aware of the role of testosterone, as well as the possibilities of thyroid, adrenaline, and a host of other hormones that could be involved. I’d like her to get a complete set of saliva tests, but like I posted before, she’d resent my “interference” if I suggested it. Same goes for recommending this site.

On the bright side, she’s considering having blood tests (possibly thyroid) because she’s having a lot of difficulty sleeping and is VERY tired.

You say that thoroughness is worth the effort. I agree, but as far as libido goes, my wife says she just doesn’t miss it. To her, it isn’t worth the trouble.

Kat,

Our kids are 14, 12, 10, and 8. My wife hasn’t worked outside the home since our first was born. Since we have a handicapped child, it’s not an option for her to start, either.

Do you wonder why she burned out? Do you wonder why she doesn’t have any energy/affection left over for me? Do you wonder why her peri is so difficult?

I don’t.

SNA,It's always more fun to practice on other people's relationships than our own.  I'm being facetious. Fun really doesn't come into it that much.  But there is always hope that we will learn from others'  trials and be able to put those solutions to use for ourselves.  So I guess that makes you a guinea pig of sorts. In hopes I don't start a tempest in a teapot, I want to ask you a question.  Strictly out of curiosity, which you are.  A curiosity, I mean.  Sort of like a man in a women's locker room, if you know what I mean.  Anyway, here goes:

Have you asked your wife what she DOES want? To be left alone?  What.  Have you asked her what she expects you to do, realistically, if she doesn't ever want sex in the foreseeable future, and you have needs in that respect that won't go away just because she doesn't want to deal with them?  I'm just curious to see how other people handle this prickly subject.

Kat

SNA,

Sorry.  One more thing and this is really the most important.  The other was really kind of dumb.  If you can afford it, encourage your wife to find work or something to do outside the home.  No wonder she's burnt out.  Sounds like a prison to me.  There are wonderful organizations that provide respite and other kinds of care for families of autistic children, and many of those children participate pretty well in the outer world with these organizations' help.  I know she would be a much more interesting and interested person if she had some stimulus from outside the home.  I feel much sympathy and empathy for her.  Please help her to get out from under.

Kat

Hi Kat,

Man in a woman’s locker room? Not really. If you’re referring to my visits to Power-Surge, it’s like you said. I want insight into what my wife is going through, and she won’t share it, so here I am. If you’re referring to my interest in my wife’s peri, it’s because I care about her, and want to help. It’s also because her attitudes and moods affect me directly. Not just sex, but I’m trying to come to terms with and understand why her behavior and attitudes have changed so much. I’ve never had a hot flush ;-) But I have rushed my wife to the hospital when her whole body felt like it was on fire. Think that didn’t scare me?

And, if I can help you women understand your men a little, I’m glad to do it.

It’s a little more complicated than asking my wife what she wants. Yes, I’ve done this, and every time I ask I get a different answer. I suspect that she tries to save my feelings on some occasions, and is fed up with my “neediness” on others.

As to sex, she’s told me that she has no libido, and doesn’t miss it. She became resentful, and basically cut me off for two months. She wanted to start again, but didn't want to "encourage” me. She’s told me that our sex life is an open topic for discussion and then cut me off when I tried to discuss it. She’s told me that she doesn’t enjoy it, and she’s told me that when she’s not too tired, she does. She’s told me to take care of myself, use magazines, etc. and told me that magazines are tantamount to cheating on a woman. She’s implied that if she never gets her libido back, it’s something I’ll have to deal with, and she’s said, “I know this is very hard for you.”

So, we’re still struggling through this “prickly subject” too.

As to working outside the home,  it’s not feasable. Our handicapped son cannot be left to his own divices after school. My wife and I both agree that it would be even more hectic for her to try to juggle work and trying to rush home in time to meet his bus. We’ve hit so many brick walls trying to get respite care that it became a major drain on her energies. We don’t know if it’ll ever become feasable, but at least for now, it isn’t.

In the mean time, I’m just trying to take care of the home front as much as I can. I used to travel extensively for work, and am avoiding that so I can be home, and hopefully give my wife some time to get the heck out of the house.

SNA,

I have so much time on my hands this AM I am still here talking.  It sounds like you both have your hands full.  You said that finding respite care was a total drain on your wife.  Can you help her look?  I work in the field of helping physically and mentally challenged people and we have many services out here where I live that make it very feasible for autistic people to be fairly independent.  Your local hospital can put you in touch with agencies that can help and they often have sliding fees.  Can you help her research this?  Most hospitals have childrens'  services that deal with just this kind of problem.  Some have programs where she could trade some hours of service (to get out into the world) for hours of child care.  It sounds like you have enough time on your hands that you could look up some of this stuff and I bet your wife would really appreciate that you took the time to try to lighten her load.  Even if she only got out in the mornings it would be helpful.   Of course she may be in a rut (I am a rut person) and be comfortable in her misery.  It is so easy to do.  I was a master at it.  Anyway, good luck to you both.

Kat

SNA --

Now that I know the "workload" your wife deals with every day, I'm not surprised that with the added stresses of peri-menopause she just doesn't want to deal. My youngest sister died of a heart attack at the age of 36, largely from the extreme stresses (and sleep deprivation) of caring for an autistic child. So I can understand her lack of enthusiasm for something (that to her) probably seems like one more obligation.

As someone else suggested, respite care might help ease the pressure. Is there anything you can do to help her feel that her life isn't just one endless trip on the treadmill?

Getting medical testing for the issues you mentioned is good, to try and identify any physical causes that might be remediated and help her feel better. But I think before you can even address the issues of sex and libido, she should get some emotional support, either from a counselor or a support group where she doesn't feel so all alone.

My heart goes out to you both.

Kat,

We’re in a place where services have been cut tremendously. Our child’s psychiatrist tried to put us in contact with agencies, and when we tried to contact them, there was no-one even answering the phones! Our children are all in school, so my wife can get out, as long as she’s back by late afternoon. But, with summer vacation looming, it’s probably time for me to try again.

I have to say, though, that when I "all of a sudden" wanted more involvement in the family, she resented that too, so I have to tread lightly.

It may seem like I have a lot of time on my hands, but I’m doing some work right now that has time gaps which allow me to post. But, you’re right. I should be able to make phone calls. I’ll give it a try.

Blueschick,

As to counseling, I’ve suggested it, and she balked. However, she has strong support from family and friends. And, of course, I try to support as much as she’ll let me.

SNA,

Look at some of the other posts, like  "A man confused" in the "Men, This Is For You" thread.  You kind of have a counter answer for every suggestion.  You should try reading other parts of the boards.  Especially the one for men.  They are very helpful.  Also you should really take a chance on getting a flower pot thrown at you and tell your wife about Powersurge.  It is a very positive thing and I know she needs the support of her peers.

Kat  

Hi Kat,

I hope I'm not coming off as a know-it-all, but I've put a lot of thought to this. Having said that, I want you to know that I AM listening to what you and the others have to say.

I've read the thread you've mentioned, too. It was very helpful in knowing that I'm not alone, but no-one seemed to be able to crack the communications barrier.

As to receiving a flower pot on the head, you may be right, but I've gotta crank up my courage before I recommend this site.

Feeling pretty cowardly lately.

Hi SNA, I agree with the others that your wife would benefit a lot from coming to Power Surge, we all have.However, I do see your problem.Although she may well be touched and pleased that you are so concerned for her, and for your relationship that you have become involved here, maybe it would not be the best thing for her to read the things said on this thread? I am in no way saying that you have said anything bad about her, quite the reverse, you obviously care and want the best for her.But I know if I were her, I would feel a little odd coming here to read about my sexual  and personal problems, written by my husband.As others have said, I feel for you both, and hope matters improve.

Beth,

Considering her past reactions, I don't think she'd be touched or pleased, though I'm sure she'd benefit from a visit here.

I see what you mean about reading about herself, too. Should I ever let her know about this site, I'll have to come back and edit out everything I've written and hope that she doesn't  make the connection by reading others' posts to me.

Think I'll delete my posts anyway, just in case she comes here on her own.

Won't do it quite yet, but if you all of a sudden see my posts blanked out, you'll know why.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support and suggestions.

Thanks all.

HI EVERYONE THIS IS MY FIRST TIME TO EVER POST ON THE INTERNET AND TO READ THIS TYPE OF WEB SITE.I REALLY HATE NOT HAVING A SEX DRIVE AND IT IS MAKING MY HUSBAND AND I MISERABLE. HE FEELS REJECTED AND EVEN THOUGH I TELL HIM OVER AND OVER IT IS NOT HIM HE IS OFFENDED. ON RARE OCCASIONS I CAN GET INTO IT AND I USUALLY HAVE GREAT ORGASMS. BUT MY PROBLEM IS GETTING MY MIND TO THINK ABOUT SEX. I AM 47 AND HE IS 49. I TAKE ESTRADIOL GENERIC FOR ESTRACE. I HAVE READ TONIGHT ABOUT VIACREME, BUT I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM HAVING AN ORGASM. I NEED SOMETHING TO HELP ME EVEN THINK ABOUT SEX. I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES I AM DEPRESSED BUT I READ THAT THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE ANTIDEPRESSENTS MAKE YOUR LIBIDO WORSE SO I HAVE NOT TRIED THEM. MY HUSBAND FEELS NEGLECTED IF HE DOES NOT HAVE SEX 2-3 TIMES PER WEEK AND HE GROPES ME AND I HATE IT., HE HAS ALWAYS HAD A HIGHER SEX DRIVE THAN I HAVE BUT NOW THE GAP IS WORSE. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 27 YEARS. ANY ADVICE OUT THERE? IF I CANT BE CURED IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN GIVE HIM TO CALM DOWN?

(Edited by CHINADINA at 12:24 am on Sep. 28, 2002)

Hi Diane, and welcome I can't really help you here, as I do not have this problem. I will be interested to read what advice others give you though, as one of my friends is having the exact same experiences that you describe.Take care,