I've occasionally checked into these message postings. My situation with my low-sex-drive husband is driving me nuts. I seem to want sex more than ever before in my life! But I don't even find my dear husband attractive or stimulating ... so I am in a pickle!!! The other day, I asked hubby (half-jokingly) if I could take a lover. He said, "Okay, as long as you pick someone who doesn't screw you up" (meaning, someone who does not cause me emotional anguish). I said, "Really?!" and he said, "Yeah."  I think he was half-serious. He, on the other hand, has no such notions. He does not even think anyone WOULD have an affair with him, or find him attractive. I know that is not true, except it would not be me.  I am not a monster of depravity -- just a poor, menopausal woman who would like to get some now and then.  Anyone else have this situation?

Shadow,

Let me say first of all that  you are very courageous for sharing this part of your life with us.

We women will talk about everything under thesun at any given time, but when sex is mentioned we shut ourselves off from each other. It is difficult for most women to talk about sex, especially when our own sex drive is low.

I can relate very much to what you are saying abouthaving a very high sex drive at this time in your life.I am experiencing that as well, after yearsof no-low sex drive.

It sounds to me that your husband is having a mid-lifecrisis of his own at this time. Frankly, he sounds asif depression is getting the best of him.

Even with his permission taking a lover is not a goodidea, because that doesn't help him and It only helps you temporarily. You are probably right about himbeing half serious because that would take the pressure off him for now. In the future it could bethe source of resentment towards you.

Do everything you can to help him. Gather information,read books and consider a sex therapist or other therapy. When you have gone the length for him, anydecision you make after that will be based on wisdomand knowledge.

It has been my experience that taking steps towardmeeting someone else's is the best way to havingyour own needs met.

I know this experience is a tough one. I have lived itmyself. This one will take lots of patience and sacrificeon your part. However when you have done all you cando, you will feel better about yourself.

UnderstandingEve

PS Shadow check out the last entry under "confused sexuality" that one is mine. These are confusing times for us now. This entry should convince you thatI truly understand the "high sex drive" thing. My point is, dont make decisions with your hormones or your emotions

(Edited by LiberatingEve at 6:26 pm on Mar. 13, 2003)

Lib. Eve,

Great response to Shadow!  I agree with you totally.  An extra marital affair is not the answer to aleviate high libido.  

Shadow, if you go that far, you should be ready to kiss any chance for improvement in your marriage goodbye.  I urge you to really think before taking a lover.  It could be devastating to you emotionally!

Don't give up trying to communicate with your husband.  Try to find out what's going on with him that is causing him not to want sex.  

I wish you well in this--intimacy is so important in a relationship!

Deb