Hello ladies.....I haven't posted here in a while but I really need to "talk" about what's going on here because it has me so depressed.   I'm 51, in menopause (some mild symptoms - hot flashes, definite loss of libido)    I can still have an orgasm but have little desire to initiate sex.    Husband is unemployed for almost 2 years, depressed, seeing a therapist and unable to have orgasm with me.   Our sex life (when it exists) consists of watching videos and satisfying ourselves.   He can only achieve orgasm when I relate a sexual experience from my past.   It is a nightmare for me, and it gets worse.   He has interest in swapping or a threesome.   I will admit, to appease him I tried the swinging scene (6 times) and it is not the thing for me.   (You must all think I'm totally nuts but I thought I could try to enjoy it (after all it's just sex, right???) but it is very stressful and defintely not  my idea of a fun night out.   I don't know what to do anymore.    His doctor suggested that he satisfy these proclivities on his own, but he doesn't want to and I'm not crazy about him being out there with some other woman.   I know this is not a xxx site and I don't mean for this stuff to sound to porno-like but I needed to get this out.  

How do any of you spice up your sex lives?  Is it even possible when you're in menopause??!!   Has anyone out there experienced what I'm going thru?   Please let me know,  I would really appreciate any input.     Thank you.

Pam  

i realize my post has probably raised some eyebrows and you don't know how to respond.   I'm really going crazy here.   Next step is to call my hubby's therapist for a few sessions with him.  But I was hoping for maybe just one response here.   I do understand though.   If this were easy to talk about, I'd have plenty of open ears.   But aAs my co-worker says  "This too shall pass"

Personally, I don't know the answer but I don't think that your husband going out alone for threesomes with other women is it.

If I were you, I'd ask the question of our local sex expert, Dr. Sandy Scantling.  She's been Dearest's guest is several Power Surge chats and you can ask her questions like this in the Ask The Experts area.  This may already be covered in the archives.

It seems to me that if / when he takes care of his depression that the libido will come back, too.  Has he been checked by an endocrinologist for hormonal problems?  Many hormone deficiencies will cause low or no libido in men, as well as for women.

Best of luck to you!

Pam,

I agree with Mary.  I too am not too excited in the sexual field lately, and I know my hubby is getting frustrated with me too.  But, all I want lately is to be left alone.  The hot flashes wear me out.  

Of course it makes you uncomfortable, Cyberpal.  What he's been asking of you is demeaning, cheap and abusive.    If that were my husband, I'd be giving him the proverbial kick in the pants, not to turn him on, but to straighten him out.   It's only going to get worse if you let it.   Good luck.  :-)

(Edited by tiamaria at 6:38 pm on Feb. 19, 2003)

I have to agree with some others here, that your spouse is demeaning you. Even asking you to relate sexual experiences from your past sounds more like "phone sex" than attempts on his part to actually relate to YOU.  While hormonal problems and the like may have something to do with it, it certainly SEEMS like other problems he is having, emotionally, have more to do with things than anything else. At any rate, he is not treating you well.  My husband, too, seems to have problems really turning on to me, and he blames marital problems for that -- but a lot of our marital problems are BECAUSE he has been so sexually turned off for a long time. I began to think of him as asexual, but then found some porn-site activity on our computer.  So I suspect he has been doing a little browsing for titillation.  Since males are infamous for this behavior, I am not unduly concerned about this, but I did feel dismay to realize he gets titillation from SOMEwhere, but it has never been with me. I had a brief affair and tried to leave me husband with the other guy--but the other guy dumped me when I just happened to have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Then my spouse (who I told I wanted to leave) ended up forgiving me and taking care of me through my treatment, and has been willing to try to mend the marriage--but he still blames lack of sexual interest on other things--now it's the "cuckolding" I subjected him to (which he claims when he is mad at me). When he gets like that, I MISS the jerk who dumped me when I had breast cancer (he said it wasn't the cancer; it was "him" and his problems).  I dunno about you, but sometimes I don't know when to laugh or cry.

I don't blame you for trying to go along with your husband's fancies, to a point -- at least you learned something about the world of swapping, and you shared it with all of us, which I appreciate. But it does sound to this impartial bystander that your husband is demeaning you for his own gratification.

Cyberpal- It sounds to me like your husbands problems aren't sexual, they're psychological.  Have your tried therapy together as a couple?  Shadow- It sounds like your husband hasn't really forgiven you......

Leanne -- it is not that my hubby has not forgiven me, because he had not had sex with me for TWO YEARS prior to the old boyfriend showing up. And, before those two years -- well, he was never very forward. So I think he has some problems too, but I've gotten to the point where I don't care much, because he doesn't turn me on in the least. Sad, but true. He's a good husband otherwise -- so it drives me nuts that I'd like to leave him just so I can have a bit of a sex life, when, in all other respects, we have a good marriage. See my new post: Open Marriage.

I have to admit I have a younger lover. I suppose it's wrong, but I think women have been made to feel wrong about their sexuality for so long. . . I don't know. It's hard to maintain sexual excitement for the same person for 20, 30, 40 years. At least for me, it is. My lover's smell, his skin. . .maybe I lack depth or have a personality disorder, but frankly, with him I'm wet, with hubby I'm not. Call me selfish. I'm careful and discreet and only human. I wonder if more do this but don't talk. By the way, peace on earth, with all that's going on. Julita

Well Ladies,

I feel that menopause plays a big part in our sexual lives.  I have seen it in mine and I have seen in it a very good friend of mine.  

Face it.  We are getting older and we don't like it.  So do our husbands.  We have put on weight and it is so hard to get off.  Everyday I am faced with what to eat and what exercise to do.  

Our husbands also go through changes.  They look in the mirror and they are shocked to see how much they have aged.  Their sex appeal is not there and you know what--- our sex appeal is not there either.  Sure it is hard to maintain sexual excitement for the same person for 20,30,40 years.  But it is hard for him too.

We would rather deny and look elsewhere than try to face what is actually going on in our lives.  Change!!!!  We are changing.  The way we look, the way we act, the way we feel----it is called the change.

What is the answer????  I am not quite sure.  Perseverance maybe.  Sticking it out.  Remember our marriage vows--for better or for worse---well this is got to be the worse!!!!!  LOL  I just hope and pray that these menopause symptoms go away soon.  It is all so tiring.  It does indeed drain me.

Everyone have a good day.

Hugs

I was married for 21 years and rarely enjoyed sex with my husband.  I think we were together 7 or 8 years before I even had an orgasm.  In the beginning of our marriage I blamed my lack of sex drive on BCP.  Then after the kids came, I blamed it on being a young, tired, mother.  It was my job.  It was the kids.  It was all the stress of raising a family.  Then at 40 I blamed it on perimenopause.  At 41, with the kids out of high school, I left my husband.  Not because I didn't want to "stick it out" I felt that I had stuck it out, but because I had spent the first half of my life lonely and unhappy,  and did not want to spend the last half that way.  Well, it turns out ladies, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my libido.  Am now in a relationship for about a year and a half, and let me tell you......I am all over him.  I cannot get enough of him.  All I want to do is touch him.   He is the most generous lover!  At 43 I am having the most incredible sex of my life, and I finally know what was wrong all those years!  It was HIM!  It was him and I together as a couple!  It was our relationship!  

Leanne, I am sorry that you had to indure such a marriage.  It must have been awful.  I am happy that you found happiness at last.  But let me enlighten you as far as the sex drive further down the road.  I was fortunate that my husband and I had a good sex life until menopause.  I am so sweaty all of the time and I have these awful ucky feelings before the hot flashes that I don't feel very sexy.  I could do without it.  LOL