Yes, I'm "the other woman" you read about.  I am 44 and my "friend" is 58.  I am in an unhappy marriage with a man who is verbally abusive (and sometimes physically abusive to our children, 14 and 12), selfish, and unloving.  He has a horrible temper and almost everyday there is some outburst from him.  He has called me names like "f'ing moron," "nutcase," "crazy," etc.  I can't stand him!  We have been married for nearly 15 years, and for the last five or so, I have been very unhappy.

I am looking for a job and planning to leave when my finances improve.  Right now I am finishing up my bachelor's degree, but the job market is terrible.

My "friend" is very sweet and loving towards me.  One Christmas he gave me a beautiful pair of diamond studs.  My husband would NEVER give me something like this.  And yes, the sex is wonderful!  I love him very much.  But this relationship saddens me because I know there is no future for us (he's married too).

I ended the relationship once because I know it's wrong.  But then I went back again.  I feel he is the love of my life.

I am trying to find the courage to leave again for good.  But life is so short and happiness is so rare, and I'm happy when I'm with him.  I wish I would have never started this relationship, because I know I have to end it, and I will be heartbroken.

If you think I'm a terrible person, you have the right to your opinion.  Society tries to portray affairs as glamourous, but they really aren't.  Sooner or later, someone is going to be hurt.

And that someone may just well be you.

Philly-  I don't think you are a terrible person, but I do think you need to get out now if he's abusive to your children!

In my opinion, your number one responsibility as a mother, is to protect your kids.

I think you might be in one of those can't-see-the-forest-through-the-trees states of mind.

The best thing about Power-Surge is it allows us to go to a place, and not be judged, but to be honest and to reach out to other women who have had similiar experiences that we can learn from.

You are safe here-  but if you're looking for an honest opinion- you're affair is the least of your problems, get those kids away from your husband- and do it soon!

Good Luck!

Hi Phillymiss,I have to say I agree with Leanne 100 % . I was in a similar situation as yours and let it go on way too long. It ended up turning into a really bad scene and I was afraid for my life and my children's . That's when I FINALLY left him! My biggest regret is that I didn't do it many years sooner for the sake of my children. The effects are long and painful for them. Please don't wait  too long. Make plans to leave your husband asap. As far as your affair goes- I also understand that completely after living thru similar circumstances- You can always break off the affair later on and at least you 've experienced some immediate pleasure and comfort from him- but your kids don't have an outlet.

Suzie

Thanks for the very nice and helpful replies.

Yes, I know I have to get out of this situation ASAP.  My plan is to leave in May or June, at the very latest.  I know that it might be difficult at first, but we can make it.

Believe it or not, my husband is a marriage and couples therapist!  He is actually working on his Ph.D.  He is very good at what he does, but for some reason, he can't transfer his work with clients to his family.  My son is an angry little boy, and I know it is partly because of his poor relationship with his father.  Plus, he is adopted, and to hear that someone "can't stand him," as my husband frequently says, does not help.

I don't know what it is wrong with my husband -- he is so critical -- in all the years we were married, I can't remember him coming home once from work and just saying "hello."  He always finds something to complain about, whether it be a sock on the floor or something else minor.  His favorite word is "f---ing,"  he uses it like it's an adjective.

Needless to say, our sex life is nonexistent.  That's the first thing to go in a lousy relationship like ours, and frankly, he was very selfish and uncaring in that aspect, too, so I don't miss it at all.

I live near a large Catholic church and in the summer there are lots of weddings -- I see the happy young brides in their pretty gowns and I feel like crying.  It's hard to believe I was once a joyful bride like them . . . I don't know what went so terribly wrong.

Well, I guess midlife is a time for changes and I know I must do this.  I love my children very much and we can't live like this, with this man and his temper tantrums.

Thanks again for your kind words.

Philly-  I can relate a lot to your story.  I was married for 21 years, and I dreaded every minute of every day with him. The difference was he was a good father.  He was awful to ME, but he was good to them. I am divorced now, but I waited until my kids were 18 and 19- I felt I owed it to them.I had an affair about 12 years ago with a man I fell in love with. Same story- he was married, I was married.  There was no place for this affair to go, I eventually moved away with my husband and kids, and did my best to forget about him.  About a year after my divorce, I ran into the man I had an affair with- hadn't seen him in 10 years, and guess what??  He was divorced and we have been inseparable ever since!  He is the love of my life.   I am 43 and he is 55.  We travel,  spend weekends together, and we are having the time of our lives!  Every morning I wake up and thank God that we found our way back to each other.I'm not proud of my actions 12 years ago.  I realize that had we been caught, it would have hurt a lot of people, and for that I am ashamed, but I would be lying if I told you that I regret it.  IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.When we parted ways though, I FOR SURE thought that it was the last time I would see him.  My point is, do what's right, get your kids out of there, and you never know what just might come around - again!

That is an awsome story Leanne ! I'm so happy for you and your new hubby ! I'm so glad to hear that your plans are soon for leaving your husband , Philly . It sounds like your husband has some serious problems ! I can't imagine him helping others ! If they only knew ! Right? Oh well, no need to be vindictive- just get out !! Good luck !

Suziep.s. I hope your story will have a happy ending like Leanne's !

Suzie-  Thanks for the kind words!!  It is pretty terrific.  But, for the record, I'm not married.   As crazy about him as I am, marriage SCARES ME TO DEATH.   I got married the first time very young and very quickly.  I'm taking my time with this one :-)

Hi Leanne

Once again it scares me how are live's are so familar

I to got married at 18 and had a affair 12 years ago but unlike you i'm still with the fella not sure if that's good or bad.  But i'm so happy for you as to how things turned out.  My husband was a bully sometimes hitting but mostly verbal carn't say he was a good dad no he was crap. Still is. It was very brave of you to put you're children first and look how thing's have turned out for you.  Affairs are not right but sometimes you are so unhappy you just do not know what to do.

Phillymiss You get out of this marriage why should you be so unhappy.  Just wanted to say as well  I do not judge you at all.  As Leanne say's you just do not know what will happen.  Take some happyness while you can we only have one life.

Take carePauline

Pauline, you use the past tense when talking about your husband -- I assume this means that you are not with him any longer.  Good for you!

I want to leave -- I am going to leave -- but I don't know how to tell my husband, because of his horrible temper and nasty, nasty, foul mouth.  Last time I said that I wanted to leave, he started to scream and curse and said "go ahead and F***K up their lives!"

The thing about living with an abuser is that you begin to think they are right and you are wrong.  Sometimes I wonder if I really am an eff'in moron, crazy, and nutcase, etc.  I want to buy a new car when I get my finances in good shape and he said "you're going to get into an accident because you're stupid."   I grew up in a household where my parents were verbally abusive, and sometimes it seems like deja vu all over again

Philly- get out when he's at work, or gone for the day.  PLAN IT ALL OUT.   Hide money, prepare for the move.  I know it sounds sneaky, and it is, but in an abusive relationship you need to be!I know it's hard (been there, done that) but make a decision and follow through.  Pick a date and DO IT!  Do it for you, and do it for your kids!  YOU CAN DO THIS!

Phillymiss,My Ex used to tell me I was stupid also ! He called me every name in the book. I know how this can beat down your self esteem and confidence. But You KNOW it's not true !!!! THat's part of his abusive way to make you feel helpless so he can control you ! Do what Leanne suggested. Plan it and sneak out when he's not there !!!

Suzie  P.S I called a mutual friend to come over and visit and told him ahead of time of my plans and fears, and he was there when I told my Ex that I was leaving. I had already packed my bags and I left with the kids with the protection of a 3rd person who was mostly a friend of his- but also a nice guy and would protect me if necessary. Needless to say these abusers are usually afraid of men and only abusive to women and children !

You're right Suzie- It's because their cowards!  I used to tell my husband to pick on someone his own size!  But, it was only after we split up that I realized- he picked on me because he knew I was intellectually his SUPERIOR!  It drove him nuts because no matter the name calling, no matter the brow beating and the abuse- he could not break me.  I was stronger and smarter than he was- and that petrified him! He is now in another abusive relationship, this time though, I think it's her that's abusing him!  What goes around comes around I always say.  I look at him now and he is the smallest, most fragile 6'1", 210lb man I have ever seen.