Zelma

I am still a little confused by your post, because, in the same breath, you say you love him and he is your "best friend".   Are you the same "Shadow" who posted in the past about some torrid sexual affair with someone who dumped you, otherwise, you were planning on leaving your husband for him?   I am wondering what kind of an emotional committment you might have to your husband if you were able to do that?  He may be your best friend, but are you his?

If a "zing" in your sexual relations with him is what you are after, then why would you bring a third person into your marriage relationship, instead of creating an intimate relationship with your husband that would be conducive to obtaining it with him?  Sex does not stand alone, as good as that can be, temporarily.  That might have been a good lesson you could have learned from the affair, instead of trying to figure out what the other man's psychological problems are.  Perhaps your husband might be more interested in you sexually, if you were to look past the superflous stuff and work on being a real partner to him.  This seems like it might be all about Shadow.  

(Edited by Kalanie at 10:16 pm on July 15, 2002)

Suzie

I stopped the HRT 2 months ago.  I was on premarin and progesterone.   So natural estogen is different from that?  Do I need a blood test to test the hormone levels?    I admit to being rather clueless about this!  I would like to get rid of hot flashes and have my sexual libido back to normal.  

Suzie

Suzie

You can find contact information for Pete (Bellevue Pharmacy Solutions) at several links here at Power Surge.  You can also read transcripts of chats with Pete... they are loaded with information.  Just go up to the right top corner of the page here and click on "Power Surge Quick Links" to locate him, as well as a wealth of information that exists at this website.  :)

I remember coming round here a few months ago when I was taking hormones and everything was just great, but since I stopped and I'm not taking anything, there's just "nothing doing"!!!!!  Still, I think a lot of this is managed by how tense I feel and I am really tense just lately, lots on my mind and I'm not giving myself  time to relax!!!  I feel like it's a temp. thing though, hope so.Barbie xxxxxxxx

Thanks for your input. I know that I am fortunate that my man still desires me after all these years. I guess that is what makes it so depressing when I can't get into it. He tries to be patient and let me initiate. But left up to me I might never think about it. I have been reading a lot since last nite when I discovered Power Surge, and I am ordering some of the muti vitamins and the DHEA. I am not sure, but am I supposed to stop taking my Estradiol? While taking these others? I thought I would also look into the soy products. Many times when my husband tries to be romantic I just want to go to sleep, I get so relaxed......I am tired most of the time. One thing that does help with fatigue for me is excercise. For instance if we go out to the lake and play on our sea doo or walk or ride bikes, I start out tired but seem to feel better after I get going. I know this is going to sound crazy but  laying in the sun at the lake or home, even though it is bad for my skin makes me feel good and you can almost bet I will start to feel warmed up sexually! I am thinking that maybe I am lacking in the vitamins we get from the sun, I think they are vitamin d and some others??? Does anyone else get that affect from old Mr. Sunshine? I do not know, but I want to feel more energetic and sexy and not depressed. I know other women that do not lack in those areas that are in menopause and I want to be full of vitality like them! Since finding this site, I admire all the frankness of the women that express them selves here. Talking about these subjects even with my best girl friend would be embarrasing, I guess I do not want anyone I know to know that I feel like less of a total woman these days. My husband is the type to want to take a poll at his office or something to find out if this is normal, I think he needs to read some of the information here! I hope more members will respond to what I have written, it feels good to belong.

Thanks!

Suzie

Zelma

Zelma

My voice hasn't changed yet...so I  guess the dose is enough...now maybe I should give some to my hubby:biggrin:

This is soooo frustrating that I'm near to tears over it almost every night when we go to bed. He told me he figured I 'just wasn't interested anymore' so he never even pushes or tries to initiate sex. Before I started reading about this rotten symptom of perimenopause, I thought HE had lost interest in me, that I didn't 'do it ' for HIM any more. As you can imagine, it was a blow to my own self-esteem thinking I was no longer desireable and that he might be the one having an affair. I've been struggling with this a while. He expects that if I'm interested, I will initiate (another hang-up from my up-bringing, I've never been very agressive that way !! LOL). Well, with an almost-gone libido, its even worse for me . I tried to tell him that if he wants to make love, that he's going to have to initiate. I told him it might take a bit longer to 'get my engine running', but that I love to make love with him and I would never refuse him. Unless I'm sick or something, I truly never would, nor have I.   He still says he'll wait for me 'until this is over' . Its almost like listening to Archie Bunker when Edith was going thru 'the change'. Archie told her to 'go ahead and change and get it over with !!!' ROFL Well, my sweetie's NOT that bad, but you get my drift. He's trying, but its taking its toll.

I've never had a raging sex drive, maybe even on the slightly low side, but its also always been pretty easy to rev things up for me.  I also recently learned, however, that The Pill, wonderful thing that it is, is most likely the cause of my somewhat-depressed libido !! Why on earth no ob-gyn ever told me about this I'll NEVER know, but it sure would have been nice !  Here all my adult life I've always thought I just one of those not-so-high-drive types !!

I'm 46 yrs old and I've been on The Pill since I was 20, and I'm still on it. My last visit to an ob-gyn I mentioned the perimenopause changes and he agreed I could stay on the tri-phasic Pill, that it would help with other symptoms. I don't have hot flashes or night sweats or even much PMS, which I'm grateful for. However, the doc NEVER mentioned possible libido changes for the worse, but then.. he's a MAN ! In 20+ years of ob-gyn's this is only the 2nd year I've had a male ob-gyn (I moved).. sorry, but they just do NOT get it and I'm in search of a woman doc again to discuss this depressing problem.

I've read about a possible change in my Rx, and also about some herbal remedies that might help. Somewhere I read that Welbutrin works to restore libido, but I'll be darned if I can find that article again.I can manage to live with the mood swings and my now low-tolerance for the dumbest things. I'll snap at things that have never really bothered me much before, now I can be ready to scream at just about anybody .. its crazy.  This vanishing libido thing is the worst and there must be something out there that really does work.

Reading about so many others going thru the same thing at least makes me feel like I'm not crazy and this IS a legitimate side-effect. Now I just need to find a new WOMAN doctor who can help me find a remedy to this..and soon !

This was long.. sorry.. I've been so distressed I just had to vent it. Thanks !

Suzie

It is quite common shortly before menopause, or in the beginning stages, to have a higher than normal sex drive.  I think it has to do with the estrogen reduction--the testosterone effects become more pronounced.  It happen to me--but after my hysterectomy--all my hormones dropped like a rock!  I take Estrace now and a couple of months ago added testosterone cream because libido had fallen off so much.  So, enjoy it while you got it!  (And be understanding of hubby--I'm sure it was the other way around for many years!)

Zelma

Damiana is an herb that is supposed to increase testosterone levels and I did find it stimulating a couple of years ago.  But now I am menopausal and, like so many here, hardly any libido happening.  It still does help, but not as much.  I also found some info that if androgens are low, you won't assimilate the estrogen as well in your system.  Since mine obviously are low and I'm hotflashing it until the cows come home, I started back up on the damiana along with progesterone cream, black cohosh, red clover and dong quai, and am going to try to find some maca, today.  That is aka as Peruvian ginseng.  It's supposed to be not only an aphrodisiac, but an energy booster and great help for menopausal symptoms, including the hot flashes.   I read that it makes skin younger and more supple too!  I've lost so much sleep from night sweats and didn't feel sexy when I was exhausted even in my 20's, so just getting some rest could be an improvement.  

The stimulating gels felt horrible to me.  I think they might be better if you are already partially aroused.  It felt freezing "down there" then started to hurt.  I couldn't wait to jump in the shower and wash it off.   They are also really expensive.  You can get the same general feeling as the gels from showering with Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap and it's a lot cheaper!  

I did find that taking better care of myself and my body enhanced the extremely negative self image I was starting to get and it also attracted my husband to me more, just the effort in itself was sexy to him.  I started him on a men's vitamin/herbal supplement from GNC that also includes damiana and dhea and am hoping it will make him feel better, too.  I also read just a tad about progesterone decrease in men and will have to do more reading on that.   Trying to keep a positive attitude here!

PS  Just wanted to add that I did try the maca root today.  Got a hot flash when I laid down, but also a feeling of well being and energy that's still going strong.   I am still too physically tired from lack of sleep to feel sexy, no matter what I take, but this is a start.  :-)

(Edited by tiamaria at 9:36 pm on Feb. 21, 2003)

I'm 51 and post menopausal.  I appeared to have a remarkably easy time with peri and menopause.  As I posted elsewhere, my periods started to get irregular at 47.  They could come every two weeks and be long and heavy - or they could skip a month or two and be three days of spotting.  My doctor offered me birth control pills at 48 to regulate me, but I didn't see the wisdom in taking strong medication just to be able to "know" when my period was coming and how long it would last.  I had no bad symptoms with them - no PMS, no bloating, no moodiness or anxiety - I just bled!  So as long as I was always prepared, it was no big deal.

Other symptoms were occasional and tolerable hot flashes; and some "early waking" (waking between 3 and 4 a.m. with an inability to get back to sleep) for about 5 or 6 months time - maybe 3 times a week.

I had my last period at 49 1/2 - almost 2 years ago - and am thankfully free of many of the symptoms I've read here.  I exercise regularly, take a "menopause vitapak" from GNC that contains black cohosh and soy, use progesterone cream from the health food store three weeks per month, and I use a very low dose estrogen tablet to be inserted vaginally twice a week, to keep the vaginal tissues toned and moist (it works).

My one complaint is loss of libido.  Many here theorize that their libido loss might be due to the other symptoms they are experiencing - who can feel sexy with hot flashes and night sweats and anxiety and moodiness etc etc?  I'm here to say - that's not the reason, although I'm sure the symptoms make it worse!  But I feel very healthy and energetic and I get lots of reinforcement about my attractiveness (even from guys on the street or the gym LOL), so it's none of those things.  I truly believe it's simply hormonal.

All my life I've been an extremely sexual person, much more than average, and I've come to think of that as part of "who I am".  I thought about sex, fantasized, had sexual dreams.  All that has stopped.  If cajoled into having sex, everything "works".  The mechanics are still intact, and I can enjoy it.  But I have no "drive" for it, I don't think about it all day when I know I'm gonna "get it" that night, I don't fantasize about "good moments" from the night before, or fantasize about that good looking stranger, like I used to.  I have many of the symptoms of "loss of testosterone" - loss of body hair, loss of sexual odor (which someone has told me they LIKE about me!), loss of fantasizing and sexual dreams, loss of desire to masturbate.  But I don't think my doctor will prescribe any testosterone for me - he is leery of almost all hrt now (even "bioidentical) and I had to practically beg to get the estrogen vaginal tablets.  Besides, I've tried DHEA three times, and all three times, within a month I get terrible cysctic acne - wouldn't testosterone do the same thing?

Has anyone here had positive results with herbs like the damiana or the macca root or the peruvian ginseng since they were mentioned here (months ago?)  I'd love to hear some more recent responses.

In the olden days, people didn't live to be so old, and maybe their sexuality stayed with them through their whole lives, but that's no longer the case.

Some people have said that the desire will come back, sooner or later.

I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't, really.  I did want to welcome you to Power Surge, though.

If you're interested in natural hormones, Dr Erika Schwartz is offering free phone consultations to Power Surge members.  She's a wonderful hormone specialist - you can read her transcripts in the Power Surge Transcript Library or ask her questions on the Power Surge Ask the Experts Page.

If you're interested in the free consulatation, there's more info at Natural, Bio-Identical Hormones: What Are They and How Do They Apply To Me?

Best of luck to you!

It's just sad when something that you always thought was an intrinsic part of who you were was really nothing more than hormones. I just want to feel like "myself" again...

The problem with my Sig-O has only worsened. The last 'discussion' we had, which included this problem in a big way, wore me out over 4 days and his answer ' have I ever complained ?' . No.. not directly he hasn't, but I still can't make him understand that its not that I don't want him, but that I need him to help  with more foreplay to get me going ! His answer, basically, is 2 things - he doesn't TRY with any sort of sexual advances because he doesn't want me to feel like he's 'pushing' me .. and I found out he has cheated on me. So.. he doesn't HAVE to 'complain' .. he's just been going elsewhere !!! Talk about a huge blow to my already battered self-image of a desireable me - now I feel utterly UNdesireable - he doesn't want me, I'm old news, used goods, and definitely not exciting to him anymore.  

If there's one thing that will blow your libido and desire out of the water, its ANGER and resentment over this kind of betrayal. I couldn't and can't make him understand that  'not pushing me' isn't the answer - and neither is looking to other women - that just makes things 100 times WORSE ! I don't know what the final outcome will be here. If he continues with his cheating,  it will most definitely be the end - I don't need that on top of dealing with everything else that's changing in my life ! Then I'd have to deal with no libido is some new relationship.. if I can even engage in one again

That young woman doctor doesn't know because she hasn't been here.  Unfortunately, women our age weren't as big into becoming doctors as those who are younger.  So if you want a woman doctor it's gonna be a young one.  Also, I think very few women who experience loss of libido actually bring it up to their doctors.  It's like we're "ashamed" of that particular symptom, or we just don't like to admit that sex is really important to us.  So doctors probably don't know how common this symptom is, and how devastating to the woman and to her relationship.

You can tell your doctor that i exercise more than 3X a week, and lift weights, and have for about 10 years now, and it didn't help me "keep" my libido.

My doctor only seemed concerned about my sensitivity and ability to orgasm.  Both are there, although not as strong as before.  But what good is it if the "mechanics" are there but the "drive" isn't?  A man needs to feel wanted...  and I enjoyed being "lustful".  My doctor said something about accepting some things as part of aging. I think society is uncomfortable with creating aging, lustful women.  Or at least, right now, doctors might be uncomfortable with it.

I know one thing.  If a 51 yr. old MAN told his doctor he lost his libido, even though everything still "worked"... if he said he never fantasized or thought about sex anymore, and had to be sort of cajoled into having it... I think his (male) doctor would identify with him and take it seriously.  If a huge percent of men over 50 were experiencing this problem, they would be working their tails off to find a treatment. I know some men do lose "drive" as they age, but at a much slower rate, and usually it's still pretty strong until a much older age than I am!!

In most cases, it probably is hormone-related, but in my opinion, it's not so much the loss of estrogen, but the rigors of menopause that cause one to deflect her attention from sex. The loss of sexual libido can be due to many other things, too, especially anxiety, various medications - such as ant-depressants and anti-hypertensives (both wreak havoc on sexual desire).

I think once perimenopause ends and a woman has settled "comfortably" (and it can take some time) into postmenopause, once her postmenopausal hormone levels settle in ... IF the sexual desire was there before, and IF she adores her partner, the sexual drive will return.

However, be advised that it might not return in the same way it was before menopause. It may take longer to become aroused. It's likely to take longer to have an orgasm. And, even when a woman has an orgasm, it's not likely to be with the intensity she had it pre-menopausally.

For some women, natural hormones may be an answer. Topical estrogen and other type creams may be helpful. I'm not big on herbs, to be honest. I'm often concerned about where they come from and how they affect people, which is why I've never been a strong advocate of black cohosh or dong quai. However, there are some milder estrogenic herbs such as evening primrose oil and black currant, plus other herbs you'll find on the recommendations page that may be helpful to some women. Every woman is different. Mary has shared some links to articles I have on the site, but I would strongly recommend reading Sexuality At Midlife which has many, many suggestions about how to cope with midlife sexual issues.

You also might want to ask questions of our intimacy expert, Dr. Sandy Scantling, and read her transcripts in the library -  Dr. Sandy's first transcript can be found here.

It might also be worthwhile to spend time with yourself in an "auto-erotic" mode. If you're having difficulty recapturing the passion with your partner, maybe by experimenting with yourself -- exploring your new body yourself -- you can find new ways of becoming aroused. Don't be afraid to explore yourself - perhaps in new places and new ways. You may find a new area that provides the stimulation you need. A little self-exploration can yield all sorts of learning. Then, take that into the bedroom with your partner.

There are no miracles - only patience, and I believe if you want something strongly enough, you'll get it!

Dearest