Hello Everyone I am new, I am glad I found this site because I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown that has gone on for months. Five years ago I suffered severe panic due to a trauma, I took antidepressants and recovered for the most part, I have always been anxious and a worrywart but kept it covered. Now as of the beginning of the year its back, it started with having two periods in Feb, and not one in March, I thought I was pregnant {was not} a nurse-practioner "stimulated my uterus" to bring on the late period and I bled so heavy, then in April my brothers fiance had a stroke, she was younger than I am, I am 45, my husband changed jobs which upset me so much, my special-needs son changed schools and it was so hard for him, I got a horrible kidney infection, bronchits and started to vomit pure blood, I was in and out of ER rooms all summer, Doctors offices, phycologist, etc.....I took Paxil and it made me very sick, I now take Zoloft and Klonopin, the Zoloft is not working yet, the Klonopin helps a little. Every day I wake up shaking with fear and panicking for hours then at night I sob and cry, the only time I feel "normal" is late at night in bed when I am saying my prayers, I feel peace for the first time all day for an hour, sleeping helps the only time when I am not crying or panicking. I have thought I had a bleeding ulcer, I have blood in my stools at one time due to the Paxil, now I have blood in my urine which I hope is a UTI and not bladder cancer, I think I am going to miss my period because I ovulated 4 days early and I fear pregnancy, at my age that would not be good, the risks are high. The pregnancy scare is what started this and now I am afraid I am pregnant again! I have been wrong about everything else that I thought was wrong, I hope I am wrong about this. I have tried everything to get better, now I am praying to God if I cannot get completly better just enought to function and care for my son who needs me so much. My husband is fed up and ready to leave, he cannot believe his wife has turned into some "crazy stranger" Every day I think I am dying of some illness, this has so engulfed my life, my family in Ohio has stopped talking to me, and I have lost so many friends, they all want the "old Ramella" back, how I wish that more than all of them. Has anyone ever felt like this and got better?? I am scared to live and scared to die, in my whole life NOTHING has ever prevented me from caring for my son and now this has, I have not been there for him like I should. I am praying for a miracle, for my son, he needs me, not sick or dying but healthy and sane. I am sorry this is so long, I must sound like a basket case. The panic is bad enough but the depression and health anxiety is more than I can bear, I feel like I am fighting a war and losing. I did not mean to go on and on. Thank you for listening, God bless you all, Ramella.

Ramella,

Please don't beat yourself up because you're going through a bad time. Sounds like hubby and some of those friends and family members could use a good swift kick in the pants though. It never ceases to amaze me how some people can be so fickle when things aren't going smoothly. They want the old Ramella back do they? Well helloooooooo----don't they think you do too? Sweetie you will find lots of caring, compassion, understanding, advice and love right here on these boards. Wish I could give you a hug right now, but the best I can do is let you know that I and lots of other ladies are here for you. You're going through a scary and depressing transition-----meno and it seems like some other issues too. The last thing you need is for those who claim to love you to turn their backs on you. Visit here often. It has been a life saver for me and I guarantee it help you too. Take care.

A great big hug from Donna

Ramella,...hun, I dont know what to say to you about your urine and such...other than make sure you get it checked out...

As far as the panics and feelings of dying is very common with women that have the sever symptoms of peri and meno..i being one too...it S*CKS big time eh hun..? You are not going crazy girl...it just seems like it at times...

Can Ya maybe get Hubby on here to read? Maybe even some of your family and old friends?

Im glad you have found PS and hope you will find it as your safe haven, as many of us have been able to.

I would like to suggest to you to also say your prayers in the morning when you wake up...you had stated thats when you find peace..well start your day with them too! God doesnt care what time you talk to Him,...and isnt bothered by you even if it is all day long...

Here I am following DaMomma around the board like a puppy, However, she is right again. I recently purchased a series of CD's of Sacred Music. For me there is nothing like Hymns and other Classical Sacred music which just make my Heart Soar. While listening, and afterwards, I feel a sense of Calm and Purity of Spirit and Holiness. It carries me for the entire day. It gives me a sense of Hope and Love and that for that moment, everything is RIGHT in my part of the world.

Blessings

Linderful

Hi Ramella,
Yes, yes, yes! Been there, am there. It seems from my experience and from reading the posts here that the panic/fear of illness/depression come together in a little package - a freaky, scarey little package. I take Zoloft and Xanax (similar to Clonopin). I'm taking 75 mg of Zoloft now. I was taking a lower dose for quite a while, then I raised it. It does help - because I was barely functioning. I don't know how long you've been on it or at what dose, but my experience initially was that I started with 25, then 50 and got no help. As soon as I got the dosage high enough - 75 then 100, it kicked in immediately and made a big difference. What it does is let you move off the panic/fear at a symptom much more quickly. e.g., if you have a freaky feeling that sends your adrenaline off the scale, you can feel the initial startle but then let it go in a couple minutes - rather than work it up to a fever pitch that lasts half a day.

I'm trying to get up the nerve to start on the bioidentical hormones that I have had prescribed and which are sitting on my counter. My instinct is that they will help eliminate a lot of the symptoms, but I don't know that yet.

I also find that very few people can relate to what I'm going through or want to be bothered with it - especially husband. I think medicating to calm down the panic is the first step. We have to be able to get through the day before we can make decisions or be of any use to our children.

Hang in there my sister.

Wildkitty

Hi Ramella,

I totally agree with all of these smart women. And I have been right where you are. I guess the best thing is to get all the bad stuff ruled out that you can. And definately find a way to take care of the anxiety. I waited way to long to do this and ended up a much bigger mess that I should of. The anxiety feeds on itself and the bigger it gets, the harder to calm. I hope you can find a doctor you can trust. As far as the rest of the world....I haven't found too many people outside of this group that get it, so keep coming here for support and hand in there. These ladies are awesome.

JP

Hello everyone, I am having a panic as I write this, I am hoping writing will calm me down, the daytime is so bad for me, once the sun goes down I feel a little bit better, I do not understand that at all?? I am taking .25 Zoloft along with .05 Klonopin at night, I have been told I have to increase the Zoloft but when I went from 12.5 {half of a 25} my anxiety increased and the dizziness is terrible, I think the nausea and dizziness is the worst and its so hard to tell whether its the anxiety or the Zoloft, Paxil made me vomit blood and so very sick I ended up In the Emergency room. I only go out at night, during the day I cannot leave the house, at least I am still able to walk around the block at night and do some grocery shopping in the evening, but the world does not run at night, the daylight makes me shake and panic and I cant understand it?! I think I have too much time to think about dying, illness, sickness and things, I even think I am not going to live for Christmas and ruin my son's holiday! What a terrible thought. I wish I could find the answer to getting a handle on this, I despise what I have become and if I could get a handle on it it would help. I also worry about my son and husband becoming sick or having an accident. I see a psyschritirst Tuesday evening, I hope I have the courage to go, I know he is going to tell me to increase the Zoloft and sometimes the side effects are worse than the disorder. My ex-friend who told me "you must enjoy this and be happy or you would change it" told me "you have run from pillar to post to pill to person and it has not helped yo u must change it" Also she told me "God will not help you because you are not helping yourself" That really made me so mad and upset, how dare she speak for GOd? She said something that I wanted to run past everyone she said "till you stop your negative thinking and dwelling on your body you will NEVER get better" is she right is that the key, negative thinking and dwelling on my self?? I try so hard to do these two things but its so hard. I do not talk to her anymore she has heaped so much guilt and blame on me, and I do that to myself, she was my only friend and it really stings. I have to believe I can recover at least somewhat, if the antidepressants do not work anymore I must find another way. Thank you all for your prayers and support, I am trying not to go into a full-blown attack right now. God bless, Ramella.

Ramella,

In my opinion, your friend is about half-right. But she sounds like she went about telling you the wrong way. I speak from experience. I had relentless anxiety for about 3 years, meaning it was with me nearly everyday. I was stubborn and bound and determined I was not going to have to take anything for it. I read everything I could get my hands on dealing with anxiety and panic. Some of it is caused by negative thinking. I learned through these self help books how to turn a negative thought into a positive one. I learned that panic attacks might scare the crap out of me but they won't kill me. I learned coping skills for both the panic and the anxiety. Sometimes it takes a little more for some people and that's OK. We are not all made the same. The books did NOT cure me but made it so much easier to deal with. I haven't had a panic attack in years. They went away as mysteriously as they showed up. I still have anxiety from time to time but nothing like in the beginning. And soon I hope all this stuff will be just a memory. You will get through this Ramella, even if right now you don't feel like you will. This is some mighty horrible stuff that some of us go through. I prayed everyday too and was led to the books .

Just hang in there Ramella.....someday it will be all gone!!

Hi Ramella,

We've all heard the saying "God helps those who help themselves", and while I do believe that's true, I also believe that God will never turn His back on anyone who is having a hard time helping him/herself. Because you have your faith and find comfort in talking to God, ask Him to give you the strength to help yourself. Ask Him to stand beside you and give you the courage to overcome these feelings with His help. That is probably what your friend meant, but didn't word it too tactfully. I too am a religious person and have relied on God tremendously throughout this ordeal. I firmly believe that He has helped me get through some very rough days. I will keep you in my prayers and ask that God guide you and also ask that He help your husband to see how his negativity is exacerbating your problems. Don't give up. We are all here to help you.

God Bless,

Donna

Hi Ramella;

I am probably going to have this note on every topic before too long.

If you have feelings of self-harm, please go to emergency. I spent 3 weeks in the psychiatric wing of our local hospital in March 2005 and it did a world of good for me. My psychiatrist was able to balance my medications and I was safe. Not that I was not safe at home with my husband and son, just that I was not safe from myself. The stay in the hospital gave me a chance to be without outside stimulae which would get my negative juices flowing. We had classes on anger management, a big part of depression is anger turned inside upon yourself, and sessions with my psychiatrist together with a social worker/psychologist. I spoke every day with my social worker as well as my psychiatrist. I was able to release secrets which I had been holding in, in fear of my husband not loving me any more if he knew my secrets. Since my discharge I have been taking Classes through the Mental Health Centre in town every week and I am become stronger and stronger every day. I wish for the same for you.
Further, regarding your relationship with God. God is an all loving God, an all knowing God and All Forgiving God. There is nothing you can do or think in your life that would make god love you less. The Ultimate Self harm I do not truly know about, but I figure that your life was given to you by him and only he may take it from you in his time. I remember my Pastor telling me one time that WORRY (Anxiety) made you less close to God. Not through Sin but through not enough trust in Him. It was as if you decided that a particular situation was too difficult for him to help you with. That it was too important to let anyone else handle it but you. "Alway", trust in God. He trusts in you. This particular lesson is very hard to learn, remember and live. I work at it every day and I believe that I will have to work at it every day for the rest of my life.

I hope this helps a little bit. I just wanted you to know that there is no shame in hospitalization and that it can be a safe haven for you from yourself.

Peace to you Ramalla from all Anxiety; Trust In God !

Linderful

Woah woah woah, This upsets me about your ex friend., I have had to let a couple of people go from my life because they had became "toxic" to me, also.....no where in the Bible is the verse.."God helps them that helps themselves." I can go into it a whole lot further but in private with ya Ramella...out of respect for Dearest and how she wants this board to be...it is for all faiths...all races...

Also Hun, Can I ask you to please seperate your posts...add in paragraphs..spaces, it is so much easier for people to read. I'll be honest with you, and I do promise youll only get honest from me.. I couldnt read your into nor your 2nd post because the sentences ran together..

It made me so dizzy and i lost my way many atimes.... thanks Hun.

Please read from the main menu too...Recommendations area,....Educate Your Body, past Chats...the Library...

I think that alot of your stresses, or anxiety Hun is from the fears of the unknown, especailly after talking with you. Of course keep coming in the message bases too.

Ramella,

Wow.....if you dont mind my two cents worth here. Have you ever read about obsessive compulsive disorder? I am well versed in this having an 18 year old at home who was diagnosed at the age of 4 with this.
Hon you sound like a wreck......you must put your foot down with the doctors and insist that someone get to the bottom of this. Have they ever considered Luvox with you as opposed to the Zoloft? Just something to mention to them.....please. If nothing else then it would help with the obsessive thoughts of death and dying you are experiencing. Your friend while trying to help I know doesnt understand how intrusive and unexpected these thoughts are. Unless you are someone who has experienced or witnessed the results of these thoughts then you simply cannot ever understand them right?
As far as the religious aspect of this goes where you are concerned. Your faith is your own and please dont let your friend or anyone else tell you anything different okay? You rely on what you believe and so it will be. Do you understand that? I am a spiritualist and I rely heavily upon meditative practices to get me through lifes turmoils. While I listen to and accept the thoughts of others I do not allow that to interfere with my own spiritual thoughts. Dont let anger cloud your friendship.......she is simply giving out her own opinion to you......accept it and move along. With all you have going on in your own life right now you certainly dont need to be pulling in on anger or negative energy okay? I can offer you some meditations if you are interested Ramella.........only if you are interested and only if the group managers are agreeable to my posting them. I do send you out alot of positive energy honey........and the hope that you will soon get some much needed relief from all of this.

Love Jadie xo

HI Ramalla
This is how peri started for meand some of the other women on these boards. The thought become obsessive and it makes no sense to you because you werent like this before. I think its just from peri, but you still have to get over this. And I know its easier said than done. I know ...been there ..done that. It is a hard and long process, I still go thru it every now and then, but it does get better. But your friend is right, in the sense that you do have to do it yourself. But she is wrong to judge you so harshly. Unfortunatly...most people think its just changing your thoughts...which it is..but they really have no clue as to how hard this is to do. But my advise to you would be to go out and buy 2 books, they helped me tremendously and many others too. They will help you understand how what panic and anxiety does to your body and your mind, and how to stop the "stinkin Thinkin" as DaMomma would say. The first book is "Hope & Help for your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes. And the second book is "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett. Now when you start reading these books....do not expect that change will happen overnight. It will all take time...lots and lots of time. But I KNOW you will get better. The woman on these boards are all living proof of that. Most of us and been there and are either recovered or still in the process. Please let us know how your doing.

Peace
AA

Thank you very much for all the replies I have recieved. It is a good feeling to have support and understanding something that I have been lacking for so long. I am very happy to be a part of this site the warmth and compassion are great.

I have both those books that were mentioned above I have read them and they did help a little. I was going to write back later, I am having a panic attack right now and do not want my writing to sound mumbo-jumbo, for some reason every day I shake and cry and panic in the afternoon. I take Zoloft and Klonopin for this.

Thank you again everyone I will write back later when I am more composed. God bless you all and thanks for the prayers and support. Ramella.

Ramella
When all this first started with me, my panic would always be in the morning and afternoon, by evening I felt a little better. But then I would also have the night terrors and they would wake me and then I had the fear of falling asleep. So if this is just starting for you...it is all pretty normal for peri. Not comforting, I know...but most of us have been thru it. Just give it lots of time...you will make it thru.

Peace
AA

Ramella,
I believe that you have to go up to 75 or 100 mg of Zoloft. 25mg is nothing. I think it's critical to stabilize yourself with an antidepressant so you can function. It's hard to say if it's the Zoloft giving you the side effects or the anxiety about it.
If not Zoloft, try something else.

Wildkitty

Can Zoloft cause dizziness and bad chest pain? It seems like when I increased my dose it started happening, the reason being is chest pain is rare for me, I do not even get that when I panic, then I start to think I am having a heart attack, I so much want this medicine to work, Paxil was a horrrible nightmare for me.

What concerns me is the more I take I fear the side effects will be worse, I wish their was a pill that increased serotonin and had few side effects. I noticed the panic has decreased a bit which I am grateful for, the chest pain scares me, I know the Doctor will say its not related and keep taking it, I am going to see if it continues, I am increasing SO slowly, I am praying the Zoloft does not harm or kill me and helps me. Thank you all so much. God bless, Ramella.

Ramella: You poor thing, I didn't realize you had also posted here (I replied to your medication question on the other board.) Take a hug, 'cause life isn't supposed to feel this bad! Please know you are not alone; we have ALL been there. You just have to believe that this will get better. You've had some perfectly horrid medical things happen to you (vomiting blood? My Lord, I would have been beside myself!).

I can tell you one thing, Ramella, you are a SURVIVOR. You've been dealt a very rough hand, my dear, and yet here you are, reaching out, trying everything and anything to get better. You'll make it, and don't worry about the Zoloft killing you. You'd better believe that if it did, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures it would be pulling it off the shelves. If you don't mind, here are a few suggestions that helped pull me through some of the worst of my panicky times:

1. Humor! Do you own a VCR or DVD player? If so, the next chance you get, go to a video store and rent a bunch of movies that will make you laugh. Or, if you are in the states, and have cable tv, put on the Comedy Channel.

2. Help someone else. I know you have your hands full with your son (god bless you), but you have wisdom within you that can help other people. What I'm suggesting may sound crazy, but I believe with all my heart that everyone has something that can help another person out, and when I'm helping someone else, I don't focus as much on my own suffering. Read through these boards; you'll find someone who needs some piece of your experience, knowledge and insight.

3. Stay away from things/people that make you feel bad. I'm glad your friend is now an 'ex'. She sounds awful; and I hope she doesn't find herself in desperation and despair one day, only to have someone tell her it's her own fault. Shame on her.

Ditto for music that makes you feel weird...with the Christmas season upon us, I have to watch out for those darned carols. They remind me of my childhood, and I just HATE 'em. I used to feel silly and guilty about it, until a therapist one day gave me to permission to just tune them out (no more crying in the car listening to The Little Drummer Boy!) Are there any forms of music, or particular songs that make you feel good? If so, play them. You're on the internet, so you can probably dowload music if you have speakers.

4. I saw a sign on a church once that said "Pray about EVERYTHING, worry about NOTHING." Truer words were never spoken. You don't have to worry about dying, or illness, or accidents, or any other awful things that could happen to you. That's God's job. Let Him worry about it. Take all the junk that scares you and plunk it firmly it His lap. You're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and no one's shoulders are that big!

5. Finally, does your psychiatrist know things are this bad with you? Linderful often talks about how much good it did her to go into the hospital for a couple of weeks so they could fine tune her meds. I know, as women, we often downplay our woes to our doctors. If I were you, I'd let my doctor know, in no uncertain terms, that my life was hellish, and I needed help NOW. You mentioned that your panic started with a traumatic event. It certainly sounds like you have many symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome. Have you ever gone through a therapy program? If not, are there local mental health centers, or hospitals, that have some type of treatment they could offer you? Even a once a week support group would be better than nothing at all.

This website has been a godsend to me. My husband just walked in the door and said "oh, you're in your favorite place again, aren't you?" The women here are absolutely wonderful and will help you through whatever awful time you're having.

I'm sending you a big hug right now. Hang in there, don't give up, and find joy in every little thing you can.

I look forward to hearing from you!!!

Peace,

Robin

Hi Ramella,
I have been on Zoloft about a week. I felt more anxious on 100 mg. So I've reduced my dose to 50 per day and I'll see how that goes. I may increase it slowly over the next few weeks until I'm back at 100mg..

Before I took Zoloft I was having heart palps and rushes of adrenaline. I noticed that with the 100 mg. The heart palps and adrenaline seemed to increase so I reduced my dose to 50mg. To see how I do. My doctor gave me some Beta Blockers to slow down the palps and diminish the adrenaline for now and it seems to help quite a bit.

I was on 100 mg of Zoloft for 4 months beginning at 50 mg for a wee. a year ago and it really helped me. Recently the time around my periods have brought back the anxiety so I'm back on. It usually takes a couple weeks for me to feel better. I hope this makes sense I tend to ramble away and later wonder if I've made any sense at all..

I'm so grateful for this site!



I hope you feel better real soon!

Hugs,
Jalyn

Ramella, First of all a hug,
Second in no way will I give you a Pollyanna attitude.
This peri-meno crap s*cks and forget trying to survive day by day> try hour by hour...
Give up all the toxic people in your life and tell them to leave you alone>> they have no clue or care how you feel!
For once in your life take care of yourself! Do what ever it takes to comfort YOU. Life is now about ME!
Keep telling yourself that!
I'm pretty much of a recluse, I want to be alone and need to be alone.
I ask a psychiatrist about this> was it normal?
He told me if it was what I needed then yes it was normal and maybe even good for me.
When my brother called to the other day I knew it wasn't to inquire about my health, I knew he wanted something.
I have been abandon by most of my family and friends, WHY>> because I am no longer their door mat!
Peri-meno will show whom your true friends are!
My husband works nights and yes I hate being alone, I wish he could quit work and stay home and baby set me. Wouldn't he love that!
Most of us have been to many specialist, we have so many strange symptoms both physically and emotional..
I've hit bottom, way I feel right now is not the person I was before peri!
I don't even recognize the person I have become and I sure the Hell don't like what I see! <_<

Yes I have been on Zoloft and about a half dozen other SSRI , they made me feel worse!
Have you read Susun Weed book? some people don't like her, but her book is the one that is getting me through peri-meno!

Ramella:

Thought I'd let you know that I had a major panic attack this morning...had to whip out my bag of tricks to cope with it. I've had a stomach-flu thing for almost 2 weeks now, and sometimes being nauseous triggers a panic attack in me. I'm sitting at my computer, going through email, when all of sudden I get the weird, wobbly, feelings in my legs...almost like they're turning to jello. Then the burning, flushing in my chest, and with it, shortness of breath and pounding heartbeat.

I don't know about you, but I also get these feelings of unreality...like things don't seem normal to me. Of couse at that point I immediately conclude that I'm either having a stroke, dying, or both. I called my DH and he put me through the drill....deep breaths, go outside for some fresh air, put on some music. Part of this is that my period is late again, so I know my hormones are bursting. Also, I lost a friend (age 41, cause of death unknown...we suspect drug overdose) and her memorial service is tomorrow night. I don't want to go...it's going to be very emotional, lots of crying, people drinking too much, ugh! I do want to respect her memory but I'm just not looking forward to giving up a whole Saturday night just to feel awful. I can hear my therapist telling me not to engage in black and white, all-or-nothing type thinking. I think I will go to the memorial (which is actually a get together at another friend's house...hence the drinking) for maybe an hour. I"ll beg off after that, saying I don't feel well (which I don't), and have my hubby pick me up. I'll still have half the evening to enjoy with my husband.

This is such a tough time of the year. So much pressure, so many obligations. I wish there were no such thing as gift-giving at Christmas. Instead I wish it were focused more on get-togethers and parties...gathering around the table to share meals and talk.

Anyone else always get sick at Christmas? I can't figure out if it's the crowded stores with all those germs flying around, or the stress of having to deal with family you haven't seen in ages, and the money troubles of how to buy gifts for everyone.

So, dear Ramella, for all the sage advice I gave you, today I'm right along side you with a big fat dose of panic and misery. Thank God it's Friday. I'm supposed to go to a concert tonight with my husband, and my daughter and her boyfriend. They promised there will be no Christmas Carols just pretty classical music. The concert is called Angels and Demons, after the book by that guy who wrote The DaVinci Code, so I'm looking forward to it.

I just pray I get my period before the end of the weekend, so my hormones will start calming down.

Anyone else out there having a tough day?

Peace to all,
Robin

Oh God Robin.......yes yes yes!! Started out not too bad today but at around 10am the vertigo hit........its horrid! Its like trying to walk around on quicksand......it is not gone 4pm and I still have it. I am ready to scream or spit nails. There I am at work all day trying desperatley to ignore the sensations while handing out medications to the patients.......it is so hard to pretend that I am okay when these attacks happen....but God almighty.....I cant just turn tail and run home........I have to get through this.....its a damn good thing I am as stubborn as I am...........

Jadie

Jadie: Yeah, we just white-knuckle it sometimes don't we? I remember reading a book by Barbara Bush about her bouts of depression during menopause...she didn't tell anyone, didn't take any meds..she said she just suffered through it while doing all the normal things she always did.

My panic went away after I took a Klonopin, but only slowly. I am fortunate to be self employed, so I took the afternoon off AGAIN and kept busy around the house...I washed four floors, and put blonde chunks in my hair (my daughter came home from school, took one look at the dye-job and said "gee, did you have a panic attack?") Seems I'm always dying my hair when I'm anxious. It's hard to think about having a massive stroke when you're pulling out strands of hair through that stupid plastic cap and glopping on the toxic blue paste. It looks kind of half-assed, but we'll see what the DH says when he walks in the door.


Still no period. I hate it when I feel like I"m going to get it ANY SECOND, and it doesn't come. Like my body is taunting me.

Oh well...

ROFLMFAO@ROBIN........that is absolutley hysterical.....thank you so much for giving me the one good laugh I have had all week. You sound like me..........I already dye the hair way too often as it is........good lord help me if I start doing it to ease my anxiety..........never mind hilighting chunks.....it will simply fall out in chunks..........my kids know when I am having one of them days simply because the house smells like Javex......I go freaky cleaning with bleach. What a wierd lot we all are in here eh?? Thank goodness for friends like you guys......lol.

Jadie

WOW!! I just read all the posts above mine and I must say, I thank all of you for your honesty. Life can be SO hard sometimes. I've had days when I've wondered if I can go on.... Ramella, you are in my prayers. Prayer has seen me through many a dark time in my life...Bless all of you ladies that I don't know personally.

Ramella, I hope you are okay at the moment and that the replies so far have given you some comfort and spirit to go on. I too have experienced many of your feelings, but not the other physical symptoms (I guess I've had others to contend with like gall bladder stones and hernias etc, father dying etc) I too have a son with special needs. He is 18 now but is pretty much dependant on me for most things and so I think that extra love that we need to have for them drains us even more and adds to our stress and dread of dying and feeling like we will dessert them because they need us so much. I think all the other responses have been God given and really good, I know they have helped me immensely just reading them as I have that dreaded feeling that comes and goes. I do crazy things like take my pulse constantly or my temperature and am too scared to take my blood pressure as it seems every time I take it, it is high!!
God Bless you and keep you Ramella and hold you tightly in His arms and give you the courage and peace within to go on and love yourself first because if we can't do that then we can't love others. Just spoil yourself and try and do something really nice just for you.
Am praying for you sister!
CC

I too would love to know how Ramella is doing.

Ramella, I have been where you are, and it is pure hell. It PASSES.

I began having a depressive relapse a couple weeks ago, but am not doing badly today. Got back on the AD's in a hurry, and I'm praying this is what is helping. I think the holidays are just horrid for people prone to depression!

I was also terrified of getting onto anti-depressants, but they absolutely saved my life. BTW, I felt in the first few weeks of being on them that they did spike my anxiety, but that went away in time.

It's also common to have terrible anxiety in the earlier parts of the day, which lets up as the day goes on. Claire Weekes talks about this in her books as "that dreaded morning feeling."

Lots of folks have been where you are, Ramella! And survived - you will, too.

JJ

Girlies, Ramella has been loggin on, and posted some, but I dont remember where at now, and forgot to do a search.

I and Che che have talked to her on the phone just a few days ago, and she is improving so much.

Even in her voice, one we have been able to tell that it is settling down for her as of lately!

I forgot to add, just send her a PM and she will answer ya!

DaMomma,


Thanks so much for letting us know Ramella is getting some relief - that's wonderful news!

You're the best,

JJ

I found Ramella's post from yesterday. It is in the Happy New Year 2006 section. Seems to be doing much better.

I woke up this morning feeling... NORMAL. I mean completely and totaly myself. Like I was last year. I haven't felt that way for many, many months. It was weird. I realized I wasn't a negative person. I was actually quite calm and relaxed. I remembered that!

Of course anxiety came back late this afternoon. Kinda slowly creeps back. Now I just keep reminding myself I really was normal. Don't know if I will be again

\0/ YAY Rendyroo...and you will dear...

Rendy,

Remember that the "real you" is in there, Hon. Someone said this to me when I had severe depression a couple years ago - "this isn't the real you; it's just brain chemistry."

It is a relief to have glimpses where we feel grounded. I believe we will get back to this when the peri crap is over.

Riding the waves with you, Bud.

JJ

Rendy,

Just wanted to pop in and say "hi" and glad to hear that you felt "normal" again for a while! Hope you and your family are doing well.

I think the supplements I'm taking are evening me out. Time will tell. Glad to have all you PS sisters along for the ride!

I had a similar experience on December 31. I woke up and felt completely normal - after a full 17 months of twitching/vibrating/pulsing/buzzing every single day.....I felt none of this all day. It was so wierd, and I kept waiting for it to return. Since then, I have only felt some really light pulsing every now and then. My anxiety even got significantly better for a few days, although now I still am getting waves of that. What is strange is that only a couple of weeks ago, I was wondering whether this twitching and internal shaking stuff was ever going to disappear......maybe I'm getting a glimpse of "normal" again. It was like heaven! Not sure if this is happening because I've been on a solid regimen of supplements that have actually helped or whether it's just a matter of time, but whatever it is, there is perhaps a light at the end of this tunnel!

Pixie, that's awesome!

Seeing that improvement, you know you can really get back to it PERMANENTLY one day!

So happy you've been feeling better.

JJ

Hey Pixie

That is great news. Now I have some hope also. I have been twitching as you know for 15 months now. I want to wake up and feel normal too if only for a day. I still have the severe fatigue also but I am still hopeful that it will leave soon too. Take care!

Kim

PixieGirl, that is great to hear. Let's see, I've been having this real bad since March, only a year or 2 to go? Oy vay!

RS, Great to hear from you and glad to hear you are feeling better. Did ya make it to get your hair cut?

JJ and DA, thanks for the support and reminder. The anxiety was less today but I had that flat, grey sort of feeling. Probably just cause I'm tired of this. Oh yeah, and I had to go back to work. Hmmm, that might have something to do with it!

Rendy and Pixie,

So happy for you two! I hope the good news keeps coming! Happy New Year!
jp

Nope...I still need a hair cut!

I might go out and visit some new salons, and maybe find one that is small and quiet.

(sigh)

Pixiegirl,

I am happy for you too. Are you taking any hormones at all? My worst symptom thus far started this past three (3) weeks and considering bioidenticals to help me get through the rough times but maybe I just have to tough it out for two (2) more years. My periods are coming togther and I have yet to skip a period.

Other women I know say that first their periods started coming closer together then further apart then finally they were done.

Any if you have ideas?

Plumeria

Hi PS Sisters,

Decided to pull up this thread as I really describes how I feel tonight. Hubby has to go out of town on business this week. Leaving tonight. He'll be staying at MIL's house. She is dying of cancer and pretty much bed ridden at this point. This is the first time since we found out about the cancer last month that he will be there without me. I know she has care but I feel so bad about not being able to go. She can't talk due to a tracheotomy and I miss her so much. We always talked every week. Someone how I feel better being there, around the rest of the family that is dealing with this. I feel so powerless here. Not that I could make the outcome any different.

I was doing better this morning but as the day waned on my depression got worse and then at dinner the panic set it. Boy, and this is with hormones. Think of how I'd feel without! Of course I also got my period yesterday so I think I'm pretty low on the hormones.

Writing to you all helps get the sadness out. I know how many of you have been through this and I am not alone. Thanks for listening.

Rendy;

I am so glad that you have this forum to write out your anguish. I find it such a wonderful therapy. It's so odd and wonderful how so many women from so many different walks of life can thoroughly understand each other. It is hard to lose a parent or a MIL when she has become more like a mother than MIL. Count yourself lucky to have known such a strong and loving woman. Be proud of your Husband for caring about his mother. In today's society, it is with too much frequency that an aging parent is forgotten or neglected or abused by their children. Just a few days ago, at my father's new nursing home, the nurses told my father and myself how fortunate he was that his children still cared enough to visit him. Well more than visit him, to assist him, and to genuinely care about his wellbeing. The Nurses said that too often parents were dumped off in these facilities and the children never visited or inquired about them. Thinking like that is so totally foreign to me.
Rendy, You are so much stronger than you think you are. Build in your mind now a book of memories about your MIL and what she means to you and your husband and any children that you might have. Keep that memory book close to your heart so that when she does pass, you will remember the real MIL and not the last months or weeks of her pain. I am in the process of building my own memory book. Memories which I want to remember. I am not going to remember the trivialities of my youth or other slights, real or imagined, which would diminish the flavour of my Father's life and the flavour of my life's experience with my father. I have instructed my older sister, only sister, to do the same. I know that we will be able to talk about our dad, after his passing, with laughter and tears of joy from having been his daughters. Not the tears of guilt or regrets because we did not do enough with him.

I wish you all the best Rendy. And I also wish all the best to all of the Women on these Boards who have living parents or who have lost parents. I guess that means all the woment on the boards.

May God bless you all and Keep you safe from Harm and all Anxieties.

Linderful
Linda

Rendy,

I am so sorry to hear your MIL is not doing well.

This is a very hard thing to go through. And such a tough way to deal with it while also dealing with peri.

So many of us can relate. I know with me,it seems when it rains it pours. You have so much going on with the peri symptoms and then, wham! Something like an illness comes and hits you right upside the head. Sure makes dealing with life issues so much more difficult.

I fully agree with what Linderful said. It's so much better being able to come here and pour out your feelings to people who understand. I know on hard days, even if I don't post, I feel better just for having come here and read the posts.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time. I understand what you are going through as my MIL has been battling Parkinson's for about a year now. It's so hard watching this once strong woman just deteriorate weekly.

Sometimes life really s**ks!

Hello Rendy;

I was just wondering about you, and wanting to know how you are fairing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Linderful

Hello to all;

I just wanted to give an update on my Dad and his new Home.

He's been at the new home for 10 Days now and is really settling in. He goes to Church Service twice a week now, Physiotherapy 3 times a week, 2 showers a week, and I joined him up for the Gardening Program. There are 2 separate sessions of gardening every thursday. The Personal Care Providers have told me that He's a KEEPER, and they just love him. This could be what they tell everybody, but I'll assume that they really mean it.
Next week, On tuesday, I'll be going to Toronto to meet with my Sister and my Brother and to get the ball rolling on the house sale. I will be bringing my father's Binoculars back with me as their two "Family Rooms" look out over Lake Ontario and they also have a great view of The "Burlington Skyway Bridge". This bridge crosses a Narrows of the Lake and in the Summer the great Huge "Lakers" Cargo Ships will be passing back and forth. Also in the summer, the Sail Boats and Yachts that will be going by, will be good to watch, and very shortly, the nesting Canada Geese.
And now that he is in the Home that was my first Choice, I have requested that the next "Window Side" bed be given to him. I've already asked the Head Nurse and she seems okay with it, and the two Personal Care Providers say that they will Remind the Head Nurse when the spot open up.

This may seem really strange to say, but I think I understand now how my father felt as we were growing up and the satisfaction he felt when things went well. Things have not gone well for my Father for so long that I am feeling that same sense of excitement and satisfaction with every new WIN that my father experiences.

Thanks for Listening Gals.

Linda

hi Linderful,
am glad your dad is settling in his new home. sounds like he's going to be well taken care of in a nice facility and you're doing a good job making sure of this. Gardening Program sounds great! good idea re "window side bed".

good luck on the house sale...

I do know that I have experienced these feelings with watching my son grow up into a fine young man who is honest with me. He used to lie to me alot, deny doing things and My husband and I told him many times that we really became angry with him not when he did something, but when he lied to us about it. I guess it finally kicked in because he has stopped lying and stopped making excuses. We had told him not to deny things, just to say, "Yes I Did it" and not to deny things or to make up elaborate excuses. It took years to accomplish but guess what, IT WORKED.
I am however, unaccustomed to seeing the same type of development in my Elderly Father. You would think that the days of exploration and growth were slowing down or completed. Whereas, in this situation, everything is totally new to him from the activities and the socialization, to the Dedicated Personal Care Providers and regular schedules. I seem to grow a little bit every day with each new accomplishment of his as well, because I was instrumental in having this Housing situation occur. "I'm trying to pat my own back right now but I just can't seem to Reach it."

Thank you Ladies for Listening and for being such wise and wonderful sounding boards.

Linda

Good Morning Jadie;

I have a question for you. My Dad's Personal care Providers, 2 really nice ladies, have told me that My Dad is a Keeper, that they want him to remain on their floor, and that they just love him. Are they for real? Or do they tell the families of every resident the same thing? Well, actually, I don't think they really like My Dad's room-mate. He is a 68 year old gentleman with MS and is in a wheel chair all the time and is apparently a rather Bitter, Bossy Fella.

I just wanted to know. Seeing as you are a Nurse in a retirement Home and have exposure to the Personal Care Providers if this is a truthful comment.

I'd Appreciate your input and comments.

Linda

Hey,Linderful. Consider this your "pat on the back"!

Glad to hear your father is doing well where he is. It sounds like a wonderful place! How nice that there is a view and that he is able to do things that mean something to him! It makes for a much happier dad, I'm sure.

I'm sure the aides do mean it when they tell you he's a keeper. There are so many unhappy elders, especially the ones who just get dumped in places and no one ever visits. They must see them all and I'm sure they're being truthful with you!

Good luck as well with the house sale. I know how stressful this can be as we are doing the same with MIL's house. She'll be moving in with her DD,which for her can't come soon enough. Hopefully by spring.