I have been so desperate for answers... and I found this thread on google:
http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/inde...?showtopic=6814
(ironically i have the same name as the first poster in that thread... maybe it's a name thing lol)

It discusses so much of what I'm going through and I was really starting to feel VERY ALONE in the area.. At least now I have hope thanks to this forum. So though I would have loved to have found this forum several years into the future (I didn't want these issues to begin so soon lol) or at least have intro'd myself under happier terms...I hope you guys can help with something, that at least for me, is a very sensitive subject.

I'm a 34 year old female who up until the past 60 days pretty much hated sex... Sexually abused as a child... married at 15 and remained married for 11 years to a extremely sexually abusive husband... had three kids by the time I was 18 (all teenagers now..one turning 18 and getting ready to go out on his own). Gang raped at the age of 22 etc etc.. if it had to do with sex..I had many reasons to hate it.

Thankfully I got out of that first marriage and then remarried a truly WONDERFUL MAN almost 7 years ago. Up until getting with the current hubby I did everything I could to avoid anything and everything sexual. I had NEVER touched myself especially! Current hubby changed a lot of that in so much as I enjoyed being with him. I'd still NEVER touch myself and obviously had NEVER had anything close to an orgasm or anything of that sort but "the sex was good" and that was that. I love him, he loves me, we did well together,he was satisfied, I was pleasured and once or twice a month was all either of us ever needed to remain happy.

SUDDENLY I'VE GONE CRAZY!!! I think I've actually begun going into an orgasim the last few times hubby and I have been together. Problem is...he finishes just as I'm getting started... MAJOR LET DOWN! I'm left dying for more without a way to do anything about it.

As I sit here crying and typing right now I'm in pain and can't get this feeling to stop. I HAVE NEVER felt like this! For the past month I've not been able to concentrate on anything ... all I can think about is sex and how badly I need to have that orgasm. This week I've even considered toys etc... I still can't seem to "take care of this myself" and hubby is being seriously turned OFF by me and my new found needs cuz it's all I can think about I've even 'gone window shopping' online looking for a tool to help..vibes/dildos etc ... ugh just saying it makes me know I've gone insane...it's just not NORMAL for ME to think like this. I fear buying the wrong thing... or wasting money on something that wont solve the problem... I just know that regardless of the reason (probably emotional) I can't actually touch myself... has anyone ever had a problem touching themselves but can use something else (vibe/dildo) to accomplish the task? Is the idea just ridiculous? If not crazy, any suggestions on what to buy? I'm totally confused. Should I just go see a doctor and tell him to "turn me off with drugs" or something? I hate the idea of that because when hubby is with me it's wonderful and I can't imagine turning that down.... BUT I can't stay like I am right now. The problem has gotten so bad that I'm becoming dangerously depressed. I need to 'get satisfied' or somehow make this new found sex drive STOP! It's as if I've got 20 years of pent up frustration all coming out at once.

Is there a solution? Is it possible I'm starting the whole "life change" thing?

I am cluless and embarrassed. I know nothing about "toys" or masturbation or what an orgasm actually feels like from beginning to end. I've never WANTED sex before and suddenly it's the only thing I do want 24 hours a day 7 days a week... I need advise before I go over the deep end

If this isn't the place for me to be posting..please just delete the post... I'll totally understand.

Thanks

From one extreme to the next
Deb

Deb. Please don't get so down on yourself!!! I can relate to what you are saying - it sounds like what happened to me!!!! There is nothing abnormal about you. I too hated sex for most of my life - until I met my new hubby - then a whole new world opened up for me and I too couldn't get enough of it!! It's lke you're making up for lost time or something!! My ex was a man who, I didn't realise at the time, was emotionally abusive to me, I thought it was normal that he didn't want to be home with me or bring up my children with me - he did however want sex most of the time and I got totally turned off by him and couldn't bear him to touch me after a while..........
I too had never touched myself - hardly anyone believes this when you tell them, but it's true. I found it a little disgusting to tell the truth and this all has to do with the way you are brought up, my parents thought sex was dirty and it wasn't talked about. Having said this - my ex was a Dutchman and they are extremely open about sex and everything to do with it - so although it went against the grain a bit, after being with him for 20 odd years it became a subject that wasn't embarassing in the least. After I got up the courage to leave him, I found that I had a huge sex drive - it was killing me - it was ALL I could think about!!! I had no boyfriend - nor did I want one, so what could I do? My girlfriend DUTCH girlfriend had a good tallk with me and told me that now I had finaly realised that I wasn't frigid (I never WAS, it was my husband that made me so), I needed some kind of relief. Because I didn't like to touch myself, a vibrator was one solution. The thought of it embarassed me no end - but it was also kind of exciting... To actually think I could get satisfaction, without a man complicating things. My friend went with me to the sex shop and made out it was for her!!!!!! I got the typical plastic "First Time" model and I can tell you that it made a whole lot of diffference to me. At first I was ashamed to do it but you have to tell yourself that it is NORMAL to feel this way and that thousands of women use these things even when they are married - even WITH their husbands. Everyone has a right to sexual satisfaction and you will see that it helps you to feel a whole lot better. Don't be embarassed or ashamed of your feelings - the over-the-top sexual feelings can come with peri - mine did too, it's just hormones, doens''t mean you will stay this way - but if you did? Enjoy it!! There are so many women who loe all desire in the peri, they are desperate to FEEL something sexual. Be happy that you still have these feelings and I would say: "Make the most of them" . I hope I haven't been too explicit here, I know how sensitive this subject can be. Anyway I hope this helps you in some way. know that you are not alone. Rita

Rita;

You are an amazing, incredibly open person. So very giving of your own "Secrets" when another person (Deb) is hurting so badly. Let's just say you impress the heck out of me.

Thank you for being you !

Linderful

Thank you Rita. Like Linderful said.. you really seem like an amazing person.

Your response was very helpful... not bad in any way I actually found a local shop...and asked hubby to go with me (I'm a HUGE CHICKEN IN THIS AREA) but he refused. He even made it sound "dirty" *sigh* which now has me feeling even worse about the whole thing.. ugh!

I know he doesn't have a problem with me actually having "such things" heck he even said once he could probably "make good use of them" when we are together lol... but now I see he is embarrassed to actually help me obtain them...

If I can get the guts to go, I plan to give it a shot... if not.. well then I'm going to have to suffer quite a bit longer. We're in the process of moving out of state so I can't even mail order anything right now due to not knowing for sure which address I'll be at over the next couple of weeks... ugh!!!! Why couldn't he have just said "sure honey...I'll go shopping with you" ? grrrrr Worse yet... why can't I just hush my mouth and go alone and deal with it.. it is MY problem after all.... blech

At any rate.... I can't tell you guys enough how helpful it was to read some of the posts on these forums. At least I don't feel like a total freak alone with this problem... very happy to know that there are other freaks out there too

I just gotta figure out how to dry these tears and get through this... currently it doesn't feel like I'll survive it... I'm actually scared for our marriage because I know I'd be sick of being around me if I were him.. but hopefully we'll find a way and hopefully I'll figure out how to work around this problem SOON!

What I need now is the guts to go shopping in an area I've never been before...wish it wasn't so scary for me but again, thankful to all of you that have posted in these forums.. many of the threads here have opened my eyes to a lot of things that I was VERY CONFUSED about prior to reading the info here...

Deb

Linder. You're making my blush here!!!! Rita

You go Deb!!! You buy as many vibrators as it takes...I have at least 6...they are all different. And hubby loves it when I play with them...as long as he can watch!! You definately don't need a man for every pleasure...tho they're nice when they're ...um...ready..haha.

If you don't like the 'in person' shopping, go on line. Sex can be wonderful a pleasure, enjoy!! (it's proven to be a great stress releiver!)

June

Deb It isn't just YOUR problem, you're married aren't you? I have to admit to you that my husband was also a little ( a lot) overwhelmed when I was craving sex so much. It wasn't that he didn't want me, just that it was too much for him and he got a bit self consious because he is 55 and takes blood pressure and cholesterol medication which can sometimes cause problems with erections. This was very hard for him to deal with - a guy having to admit he COULDN'T?
Life really isn''t very fair sometimes, by the time women get to be more unselfconsious and actually start to be able to (and give themselves PERMISSION)to, enjoy sex, the guys libidos actually decline - Even if their libido doesn't, their bodies can let them down and this is a BIG deal to a man. I think we can be intimidating to them when WE are the ones demanding sex. Think of it this way. When a man is at his sexual peak and can't get enough sex he masturbates right? Nothing wrong with that. Now we are at our peak so why can't we use a vibrator to satisfy us? I think it's just scary for him that's all. My husband, although he didn't MIND me using it when he wasn't around - he preferred to use it with me - after the initial awkwardness. When they get used to it, they like it, because it's much easier for us to get satisfaction that way, so less stress for them!! It's up to you, but I would just get one and get used to usng it on your own first - then if he wants to join in - and I think he WILL - all the better. The main thing is for you to feel good, mentally AND physically. We really don't have to depend on a man you know.. Good luck!! Rita

Well I did it!!!

I cried, and fought, and panicked, and then I took a deep breath... got in the car... and drove to the other side of town and then sat in the parking lot and panicked again LOL

FINALLY I walked in.... and realized "those people" are just like everyone else

Lots of couples in there, old people, young people, cute people, ugly people, happy people, shy people etc lol Hey! How was I to know?

Primarily for anyone like me out there I post this message to let you know "it's ok" The staff was VERY HELPFUL! One guy noticed how out of my element I was and offered to help... and he was VERY RESPECTFUL, KIND, INFORMATIVE, and HELPFUL! I really appreciated him a TON!

Now get this... upon returning home... guess who's grinning face is all over my bag... "Lemme see... lemee see! Ohh this looks like fun... woah that's a trip... hey you like this? ohhh what's this feel like?" LOL. Dear Hubby couldn't keep his hands off the stuff ROFL

I dunno if any of it is any good..but at least I have "it" lol. Kids are griping for food etc etc etc...and they all think I went xmas shopping rofl (jokes on them )

At any rate... I sure hope it helps... time and practice will tell... but at least it got me over a great big fear/hurdle and once I got over that I received the unexpected bonus of seeing hubby's eyes light up once again I betcha we get to bed early tonight

Thanks everyone!

Wish luck

Deb

Deb Good for You!!! These sex shops aren't nearly so scary as peolpe think they are. I'm proud of you!!!!!!! Rita

Hey Debs ! ............. are you up yet ? ROFLMHO

!WoW!

and after all that........ HE Shows Up LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in a MUCH better mood today!

If only all problems were that easily solvable LOL

And on a very serious note... I know in the other thread I linked to in my first post there was another women "not keen on the idea" of using any toys privately.... I cannot say enough how scared and embarrased and even a bit disgusted I was by the thought. I can't touch myself..how in the world am I going to use "!toys!"??? -- If anyone is in the same boat... plz take a deep breath and give something simple a chance... providing you get as lucky as I did in obtaining the right tool for the job the first time (I bought three things... one item is terrible junk belongs in the trash... one item is kind of neat...and the other item...thank gawd... is my new best friend LOL). It doesn't have to be too 'weird' or 'scary looking'. Just a lil vibe for the outside or whatever works for you.

Yesterday I wanted to go to a doctor and drug myself numb and I was so depressed over the whole thing I was actually contemplating the idea of death to get out of it... Today, however, I woke up with a smile, took a long bath, enjoyed a cup of tea outside, listened to the birds sing, and well.... ok.. I admit... the drive isn't gone... but at least I know I can 'deal with it' today if/when I need to A MUCH BETTER place to be than I was in the day before I suffered every second of every hour of every day for over a month... and after some time alone I'm finally fine Regardless the inhibitions, they are not worth the suffering. So go for it!

Thanks Everyone

Now what to do about the mood swings? PMS? Kids that wont close the bread bag? etc? *grin*

Hey! I can help ya with the kids that wont close the bread bag!!!!

Simple, you still keep that bread, even though its dry now, and give it to them to eat. It wont hurt them in any way. You and hubby get a fresh new loaf. They will learn real fast to close it back up!!!

I gua - reeen- tee!!!!

Good job!! But...you only bought one??? What were you thinking??? Hubby does all my shopping...I go in the store with him...I'm totally embarrassed...secretly point to the toys I want hubby to get...he gets them and pays. I don't know why I feel that way...it's not like the 'salesman' is ever gonna remember me. We only go every acouple of years cuz we 'stock up' when we're there.... They don't last forever, ya know...haha.. OH..and buy lots of batteries...they don't seem to last very long in those things....
Now...sit back, relax..and enjoy....literally...
June

June Berry, I'm wondering what your goal is, plastering the internet with these same posts.

I don't know how many websites you've enlightened with your discovery of your newfound heroic sexuality and delight with your husbands penis, but my feeling is that (1) you're a wind-up and (2) I have my doubts that you're a female.

Shall I say here the other site where I've seen this exact same ecstatic sex tirade of yours? Now that the entire internet world has shared the joy of your sex life, I think that you might now wind down just a little. A lot of us have been having great sex for many decades, so all this isn't exactly earth shattering news. However, congratulations any way.

Perhaps you should consider knitting.....I do believe I've heard all the details about your sex life that I really need. Here, there, and everywhere.

(Pssst. If you're going to post the same story on multiple websites, consider changing your login from time to time)

Ms_Mom- are you sure you're being fair? I just went back and re-read all of june_berry's posts and there were only 2 that had any sexual reference, and they were posted on this thread, and this thread (a sexual issues thread) was started by another person!

All of her other posts are about anxiety, menopause, HRT, and other related topics of menopause.

If you feel someone is threatening the integrity of this website, I suggest you point it out to Dearest in a PM, instead of writing an accusatory post for all to read.

I wasn't accusing, I was stating that I had read these identical posts on other websites, where a poster with the identical login name had posted the identical sexual story.

It seems curious that someone so shy should spread the same story so wide for the whole world to read numerous times. Valid observation. I stand by my original post on this thread.

You will find several of my PS posts on other websites as well, and I assure you I am genuine.

I stand by my post as well.

oh my goodness...
I just read that post frome Ms_Mom...
I'd love to know what you refer to..I do belong to other boards..and with other nicnames... One is a hysterectomy board on MSN..I honesty don't know what I've written in there as I"ve been a member for along time..but I can assure you that any notes were "subject related" and always started by someone else.

If I have offended ANYONE...I sincerely apologize. I simply wanted Deb to know there's no reason to feel embarrassed about talking about personal things in here. Message boards were created with the idea of seeking information while being annonymous...an easy way to found out info on subjects we tend to turn red about. Sex is not something we should be embarrassed about..we wouldn't be here if our folks hadn't done it once or twice. Pleasuring the body is not sinful..but a gift from God. (well..enough out of me...)

AND...I can assure you that other sites have people who have this nickname..I had to find a different one for yahoo cuz this one (this spelling) is taken by someone else. Whatever the case, this is the first time I've ever had anyone dislike what I wrote, at least enough to tell me about!

I'm glad you had your say..we tend to feel better when we 'air' things..I simply don't know what I can to do make this better for you. It's obvious you don't like my sense of humor...again, my apologies. I'll try to contain myself from now on.

June

June,

Over 300 views have been made on your post. Only one person disliked it. Ms_Mom you state "It seems curious that someone so shy should spread the same story so wide for the whole world to read numerous times." Does that mean you read it numerous times????????????????? Nobody forces us to log on and read these posts. The great thing about the Internet is you can say things and express feelings that are sometimes hard to say when your face to face to people. I see nothing wrong with what you wrote June. I didn't read it "numerous times" but it did not offend me.

Jill~

June, I admire your posts for the simple reason that you are trying to help someone. That is exactly what I was trying to do as well, even if it might have seemed a little too much to some people. It may seem explicit but sometimes that is necessary to get sensitve topics across This is message board is ABOUT sexual issues and women who ask for our opinions. If we can be of help to them in any way I'm all for it!! Please don't try and "Contain Yourself" Whatever for? Freedom of speech is what I believe in!! Rita

Same here. If I've taken a lot of time to write something, get the wording as I want it, I often post it on other boards.

Some of the posts that I really like, I'll post more than once here on PS!

For the record.... every post has been helpful to me and not a one offended me. I for one need people to be "aggressively open" about sex because I was soooo darned shy about it. Without the excitement to help me realize "it's ok" I'd still be in tears

If the same post had been made elsewhere... but not here.... I'd have never seen it


Deb

Thank you ladies for these posts. In a way they have helped me too. It is refreshing to find people who can talk about sex objectively and with the intention to help others.

Ms_Mom,

Succinctly . . . under NO circumstances does anyone have the right to address another member of this community in the manner in which you have june_berry. The flavor and tone of your response to her is insulting, rude, argumentative and simply unacceptable. There is no preferential treatment here. This applies to everyone who participates on this board. This forum, as Leanne has already reminded you, is a forum ABOUT "sexual issues."

Unless someone is blatantly discussing or boasting about perverted, offensive, hurtful behavior in adults or toward children, this is an adult discussion regarding sexuality at midlife, especially during and after menopause.

Your "attacking the messenger" is prohibited in the Power Surge message board guidelines.

Dearest