I do really feel like I am going crazy. I wanted to post all day, and I spent time reading the boards----but, now I sit here vascilating back and forth, thinking---Write---Oh, Dont bother.......Write....Oh, what good will it do?

I'm in the middle of a major depression, and I'm working with a Dr., but the medicine hasn't fully kicked in. I'm also definitely in peri-menopause, which I dont think helps at all. For instance, when you are depressed you can't make a decision, and in peri-menopause you find yourself confused all the time.

I do have friends and family, and a husband, but I feel like I have no one to talk to, and I feel like I'm loosing it. I have a 9 yr old, and I feel like this is starting to affect him...

I have been walking thru the house, or laying down on my days off from work, wanting to rest, but hating myself because there's things that need to be done, feeling disgusted with myself because I haven't done the cleanning, wash---whatever----and forget food shopping-----I dread the day I have to do it, and will do anything to put it off----yet, I want the food in the house. Isn't that odd? I get physically sick over all this. I want to take better care of myself, but I can't work up the energy. I spend my time making excuses for my "Blagh" behavior-----"Oh, its a bad stomache ache---" or "I'm so tired, I havent been sleeping." Theres always some excuse to not feel good, and I lie to myself and other people, in order to try to avoid facing how depressed I am. I don't want to tell my husband that sometimes I dont want to live, and I just can't take it anymore. Then, for a day I'll be a bit up, and I think I'm getting a little better----and then the hot flashes start and I'm so tired, and I just don't care anymore. I feel sick and I worry that I am dying, and thats a big one. I get afraid of dying and then at other times, it kind of makes me happy. I'm always tired. Maybe its the medicine, too.

Its become so bad lately, I have actually asked to work some extra hours, due to the fact that when I am at work, I dont think about my depression as much, and its a bit of a reprieve. For me, thats desperate. As I look around the room now, I feel near tears, but physically cannot cry......I'm sweaty and hot, afraid, I hate myself, and I am avoiding cleanning up or doing the dishes---and I dont want to think about dinner. My husband is hungry and coming home. I can't handle it. I have a hard time getting dressed and going out at all. Mentally, I'm hanging on by a thread. I've been down this road before, I had a bad depression when my son was little, so I kind of know what to expect. It took all my strenth I had. I'm sorry to be rambling, I'm so confused. I feel like I need someone like myself to talk to, someone who has been very depressed, someone who has gone through this. Its not the blues, believe me. If I could, yes, I would go to bed for a month, or check myself into a hospital, but its not practical. I'll see the Dr in a week, but its only for 20 minutes and all I can do is tell her the most important facts, so she can adjust my medicine if need be.

My heart is pounding now, and I feel like a jerk. Can anyone help or give me some advice? Is there something I can cling to? I feel like I am really cracking up. The only thing I enjoy is crawling into bed and turning on my fan, and knowing that I can sleep for 8 or 9 hours, and be all alone.

I need people that understand.

Help.

Hey Cozy,
You can talk to me I feel like crap, believe me I UNDERSTAND!! Have said many times wish I had a friend whom felt like me, I only have my PS friends! AND TG for them!
Hey my heart is pounding right now too!
I'm so sorry you feel this way, SU*KS Huh! Wow I'm surprise you can not cry>>I CAN'T STOP!
This last month has been a bad spell for me, I have cry about every single day plus hot flashes and night sweats! I'm depress but I didn't recognize it at first becasue I never had it before!
Please read more posts and you will see your not alone! OH GOODNESS YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Just was reading today how bodies are working so hard right now to get through peri, adrenal gland even kicks in to made estrogen. So we end up very tired with adrenal exhaustion. Why do we have to do anything???? I just moved and for the most part I'm unpack. What is still in boxes can stay in boxes!

I'm pretty much giving up right now and letting peri-meno win. Guess my body needs the rest!
Good thing I don't have to work or we would be out on the streets! Do what you can and don't beat yourself up! Have you seen a counselor? For the first time in my life I have had to see one. It helps!

Sounds like you don't want to take care of anyone else right now but yourself and beleive me that is normal! I have very little responsibilities>> but there are days I wish I could just go to a menopause retreat or something. Wouldn't that be the greatest to be around other whom feel like you. To rest and do nothing unless you wanted to!

Cozy--glad you decided to go ahead and write. I know where you're coming from--having been in that place before a time or two where depression has been almost paralytic. You are right on that perimenopausal CR*P just amplifies some of the worst aspects of the depression, and the depression makes it more difficult to cope with the peri stuff.

Sounds like maybe you're fairly early on in the process of using meds this time around--it's awfully tough when you feel so lousy and want the damn things to WORK YESTERDAY---grrrrrrr.

If working a bit extra provides a bit of a reprieve for now, well, do it. If not doing the food shopping for a day and/or asking your husband for a hand with it provides a bit of a reprieve for now, well, do it. I know what you mean about the physical aspects of it, too. Major depression isn't just an illness of mind, of course. There IS a very real and strong physical component to it, and when you're stuck in the deepest pits of it, it saps ALL energy. There were days when I have given myself credit just for getting out of bed and brushing my teeth...period...because that was literally all I was physically capable of accomplishing that day.

You said you have dealt with this before....but you and I both know that when you are dealing with depression this deep that what you know really doesn't change anything about how you feel.

My heart aches for you right now--wish I could give you a huge hug, but will just have to send a virtual one....((((((Cozy)))))))

Let your husband and friends help as much as you are able to let them help and keep dropping in here to unload anything else you want to unload. Feel free to PM me if you want. I probably won't be back online this evening, but I'll be on intermittently throughout the weekend.

Hang in there and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself!!!

Liz

Cozy, I'm glad you posted! I went through a major depression a couple of years ago, and a lot of what you wrote sounds familiar to me...both the depression stuff and the peri stuff. What a combo! I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

Personally, I have found that my attitude towards myself was a big component in the depression. I have come to a place where I have accepted my "new peri-self" and I try to be very gentle and understanding with myself. It is frustrating to not have the energy we used to have, to not want to go out like we used to, to realize that we are changing...That's why they call it "the change"! It's a difficult time. If you can manage, try to be patient with yourself and lower your expectations of yourself a bit. It's a way of being good to yourself and taking care of yourself, by showing yourself love and understanding. Does that make sense? Not sure if my words are expressing my thoughts...

Have you thought about talking to a counselor? I have been seeing a counselor for a few years, and it has really helped me deal with the depression and the peri symptoms (like anxiety). I've read that Cognative Behavioral Therapy is the type that can really help with these things during peri, and that's what my counselor does. For me, I just feel so much better having someone to talk to, to share my secret and embarrasing thoughts with, and to help me change my negative thinking into more positive thinking.

Stick around and let us know how you are doing! You are not alone!

Ditto!

Cozy

I have been anxious & angry since becoming peri. Definitely a case of the 'mean reds'.

Wish I could cry - since being peri - that has been one of the things I havent been able to do much. I get very angry though - with myself - and circumstance - and with these damn symptoms.

I don't even feel like myself - its like trying to relate to a completely different person. I too have had to get to know this new alien peri self - who thinks and feels physcially different from the person I knew for 44 years. I am actually learning to like myself a lot more - even though I am a mess emotionally and physically a lot of the time. I listen to myself - and I am defintely making an effort to treat myself - bought 2 beautiful scarves today - just for me...I was meant to be xmas shopping for everyone else!

Agree with rsgreen - find counsellor very helpful - my blank wall I can bounce stuff off. I see her on NHS every 2 weeks - although all good things must come to an end and I suspect I wont get many more sessions.

Dr offered me anti-depressants repeatedly - but I flushed them down loo. I have also cut out any stimulants and sugary treats.

You are most definitely not alone

Perhaps you too have the 'mean reds' rather than the blues

Mele

Cozy,

I know just what you mean! I have been getting depressed a lot lately. I will go through a week of it, just before my period. I'm a stay at home mom so for that week I end up just walking around the house and getting more depressed at all the mess and then start talking to myself, saying how I'm the ONLY one who has to clean up anything! I get so bad that I end up just giving up on everything and just sitting and watching tv all day untill it's time to go get the kids from school! Of course I then get very mad at myself for not doing anything all day. The next day it starts all over! I don't know if I can give you any advise. I've got a lousy doc, she dosen't believe I'm in peri and wont even do any tests, so I haven't told her about the depression. What does help, even a little, is when I talk to myself. Ok, at least no one is around to hear me! I even will have an argument and start yelling, just venting! It makes me feel better, I just keep it my little secret! I know they will call the loony bin to come get me if my family heard me!!hahaha Chocolate also helps!hahaha

Hang in there, we are with you!
De

When I started peri, I used to get so depressed I'd leave work early and go home and lie down, wanting to be alone. But I couldn't sleep, and I tried to cry, but couldn't. I just felt so depressed and tired. Later, I learned these feelings were probably from peri, and my estrogen levels were dropping. I also had really bad insomnia, about six bad nights of little or no sleep before it got better for a while, then another six bad nights.

My weight got so bad I couldn't wear anything anymore. I had one pair of slacks and some loose sweatshirts. When I had to dress up once, I was horrified because I couldn't fit into the stockings and couldn't walk with them on because my legs rubbed. I felt like I had gotten to the lowest point of my life, emotionally and physically. Even my jackets didn't fit, because I had gained through my arms and upper body as well. I was so heavy on my feet! I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes and felt like a whale.

After another really bad year or so, I tried the Revival Soy and it helped with my energy level and irritability. Then I was able to lose weight and I started walking every day for about an hour.

I feel much better today, over three years post meno. It all calms down and you do feel better. Now I can wear my clothing again. Once your hormones get to the lowest point, you start to stabilize and then you can concentrate on getting your weight under control and exercising. I have not had one of those days when I wanted to just lie down and be alone. That was awful! I hope I never feel like that again.