I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, they tumble around my brain like a load of laundry.

Here I am. 52 years old. I was in my late 30's just more than 10 years ago. 10 years. I had young children in the house, I was vibrant, worked all the time, did stuff, went places, took care of business, just a regular everyday women. Normal. I grew up, got married (rather late) had kids, did what women are supposed to do taking care of everything and everybody, and now here I am in menopause wondering what the hell happened.

Suddenly I'm a nobody. An old lady. I had the babies the man wanted. I took care of them and the man and did my duty. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, what women do in life, and come to find out now that I'm used up and old and nobody gives a **** about me.

The daughter looks at me and frowns. Mom, you've put on weight (oh yeah?), you're hair is so damaged from that hair dye and need get a chemical peel. My husband falls asleep in front of the TV every night after supper and goes to bed at 10. My son tells me that I'm a crazy old lady.

What the hell happened here?

I was 25 once. Young and tan and lithe and strong. I remember it. I saw a TV show the other night about sex tourism on a Carribean island. Women were big customers. It said that the dude-hookers targeted women on the beach who were *older* and those who were overweight because they usually had little chance for romance.....that hurt. I used to have plenty of romance. Why is it that when you marry the man and have his babies and get older and aren't young and cute any more because you were doing what you thought you were supposed to be doing--suddenly you wake up one morning and you're an *older* woman and obsolete? In just 10 years.

I've had company lately so they've been taking a lot of pictures. I hardly recognize myself. Who is that woman with the turkey neck and the wrinkles and the saggy stomach? Where did she come from? Is that me?

What happens to us? We do our best, work hard, and are rewarded for a lifetime of doing what is good and right, with obscurity and indifference when we're not hot little chicks anymore. I didn't ask for this. This s*cks.

Hi Ms-Mom,

You know, i often say especially lately.I woke up one morning someone else.It felt like literally,One day as you've said i was thin,tan thrived on stress and multi tasking.I used to love to entertain I ALWAYS had company at the house.

Now everything seems to be an effort,simple things.

When they say "the change" they mean it.

Ya know,i guess when we get to the point of acceptance, and we are feeling healthy again,we will take joy in the new wisdom we've acquired.

As Ive said before,aging is like a death,first the denial then the anger,then finally the acceptance.

I learn everyday from women on this site who have been there done that.

Hopefully we can pass on the wisdom one day.

I'm right there with you.And you know,those men will be old geezers one day too

Remember, all of the sacrifices and all of your blood sweat and tears, has been the best, and most loving gift you've given to your family.

So always know that you DID do all the right things

HUGS,

M's Mom,

The thing is . . . in our heads we're still the same vibrant, alive and vital women we always were. In fact, with a little seasoning I think we're wiser, calmer, and actually pretty kick-ass cool.

It's that look in the mirror . . . and more importantly, the way you feel when everyone just looks past you, like you don't matter anymore. Like your time is past and you should just get out of the way.

FIGHT THAT! Damn, don't let other people define you. Very wise, Che Che, that process of denial, anger and acceptance and boy, have I been there. But acceptance doesn't mean submission. It means renewing your vision of yourself and in your case, that new vision may not be the girl in the bikini but it sure can be that sassy woman who takes no ****. If I'm being earthy here, I mean it. That's our being, that's our lifeway.

I'm going out on a limb here, but I think I recognize your name from another discussion board. My name is casey1 on that board. And if I'm right, you are a bulwark, an icon, there for your sympathy, wisdom and compassion.

Ah, honey, take a deep breath and chin up. You are unique and irreplaceable.

Love,

Kimber

Ooops ... meant to quote that and say:

DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!!!

I think we all go through a mourning of sorts- for how it USE to be. Frankly when I think long and hard about it, the only GOOD thing about being 25 is LOOKING 25.

Ms. Mom, it's okay to feel the way you do. Sometimes we need to go into the corner and lick our wounds, or get angry, or feel sad, or all of those things.

But you will come back as that "vibrant" woman you still are. She's still in there, just adjusting to all this menocrap!

You hang in there!!!

wow... ok, i never had children, and i have a man who does a heck of a lot more than sit and watch tv.. but all else is the same for me too... i must be hormonal this morning, cos your outpouring made tears come to my eyes as i saw my own thoughts in front of me here... the thoughts i try to deny each and every day i wake up... invisible - to all but my man, cos i have a good one! a non-person in so many ways.. it's no wonder i am crabby as all heck these days...

looking for some new clothes depressed the stuffing out of me just the other day too.. the girl inside me wanted those hipster jeans, with the chain belt, and that tight little short t-shirt top... the old fat woman i am on the outside toddled off to the old person's larger sizes shop and just couldn't find anything she'd like to wear.. why do the clothes that fit me have to be in pastels and florals, and awful fabrics? ick!

and you are so right! it wasn't that long ago i was a vibrant, slim, active young woman, working in a good job, having a ball on weekends.. only 12 years ago i married a much younger man and managed to keep up with him with no trouble at all...

we may be wiser and calmer, and cool in so many ways, but i'd swap it all in a flash for even that 40 year old woman i used to be...

Kimberccc,

Awesome,you nailed it.That post will now be my daily affirmation


Thank You

"Here I am. 52 years old. I was in my late 30's just more than 10 years ago. 10 years. I had young children in the house, I was vibrant, worked all the time, did stuff, went places, took care of business, just a regular everyday women. "


I am 39 years old. Just 5 years ago I was 34. I thrived on challenge and stress in my job, worked full-time and went to school full-time, loved parties, and had plenty of energy and drive.

I am sitting here tonight feeling like a lump. There's a party tonight but I don't feel up to going. I haven't seen some of these friends since a wedding we were all at a year ago. I miss my friends. I miss my energy. I miss my sociable self. I quit my job over 3 years ago and haven't worked since.

I feel like an old, at least middle-aged, lady at 39. I feel a little hopeless thinking this peri thing could last for 10 years, theoretically. I feel frustrated that as much as I'd like to go to parties or have people over, I rarely feel like it. It's hard to schedule things when I have maybe one good week, then one PMS week, and one period week with back pain.

I am just praying that the Lord will shorten this time for me.

As Red Green says, "I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together."

Thanks, ladies. The self-confidence and belief ebbs and flows for me, and it's interesting that I can see so much value in other women when, on my bad days, I can't see it in myself.

So, today was a good day. I'll cling to that and re-read these when necessary!

I did have times when there were more bad days than good. Please believe you'll make it through this, even when you think you're crazy, even when you think you'd rather curl up in a ball just to retreat from life.

Anyway, y'all made my day today. Thanks.

kimber

Ms. Mom... yep thats it is...

Beings how this is the rant topic..I think I need to get this off my chest..outta my head.

I dont know where to even begin...It feels like my head is full of yarn, lots of pieces, some tied in knots, all different colors and all different textures. As I try to gasp just one strand..the ball gets tighter, and lopsided in some parts of the ball, and bulges lose on others.

I was talking with BF earlier tonight on the phone. I feel so horrible...I cant believe I even voiced it, let alone even having thoughts of it. I want to call up the ex and tell him..Im done, I have been raising these by myself, no help from you, no child support, no insurance from him, his family, all pretty much live here in Minnesota..and they cant even call and talk to the kids. They havent even been invited for any of the weddings , holidays, havent recieved one graduation card, for the 3 that has graduated! (Every since he moved to N.Carolina..just a little over 3 years ago.)

I cant do this anymore...im so tired... Im so sick of hearing what a horrible parent I am.. i dont do drugs, I dont party. I may have a beer or so now and again..I hadnt ever brought any alcohol..no a man in our home...(that is until BF now..which i didnt date atall until last year with BF..and the kids ..were the ones to get us together!) I brought a six pack in last week..BF doesnt drink..just smokes cigs..same as me... I drank 4 of them when he wAs here..and I had one just 2 nights ago..and the last one tonight. I didnt want the kids to get scared, because their father is an acoholic.

Oh HOW I hate teen age years!!!! I know it wouldnt be so blasted bad if I wasnt so discourage and still grieving over the deaths of my family , and my youth..I had to quit my job, I was heading for a nervous breakdown..and I couldnt put all those kids lives in jepordy. (I drove school bus for 8 years) plus I have had many..other part time jobs with that..sometimes working 3 part time jobs!)

I had been a stay at homemom, but not by choice..we could of used me having a part time job..but thats a different story in itself..so I have no actual training..I cant do hair here because I would have to start from scratch..page 1.. and I dont have the energy to raise the 3 that are home still, work and go to school..but currently I am not working, and getting fed up with not even being able to get a job.

I had recieved a small $ of in hereitence from my family that past on, that is what has been holding us afloat.. but it is drindling fast. I do not have a charge card, nor have I ever and I dont want one. the only outstanding debt I have is my house payment..then the utilities, food and insurance. I dissconnected cable, and i stop ordering pizzas on tuesday night and renting movies since I had quit my job in April. because i knew it wasnt going to be easy for awhile...nor not having my check..not knowing when I would be able to get a job..i knew i was going to have to cut corners.Plus I have been trying to get a job down in Illinois to get us moved down there. It has come to the point to where I HAVE to get a job here first now.I have no furniture, car payments..everything is bought and paid for.

Earlier today I was in a fab mood, felt great..then ...you guessed it..got kicked in the butt, I could hardly pick up me feet...went to lay down, finally dozed up, and woke to panic attacks.and flashback nightmares..(daymares of the ex) which I think had something to do to the fact I had to talked to him last night about 16yrDS and now he is trying to tell me he has changed so much..he was drunk, he got fired from his job after 18yrs of being there..he deloped the position and wrote the manuals on saftey and security procedures..all because he came into work DRUNK. Which is supposively my fault..again..because I took his kids from him, and if I would let him come back home..(this has NEVER been his home, the kids and I got this house, through Habitat..and we all put many hours helping to build it) and that I should not have a BF because he was my husband first..(just to let you know, this is all B.S. Im not believing him for one minute) BF is a person that i have wanted and needed for quite sometime..need..as in because of his personality and understanding..i have had less panic attacks and have been able to work through some of my past with him. After my ex, I wasnt even going to date anyone else...just raise my kids and then maybe get back into horses...I wasnt "looking nor wanting" any one..know what I mean?

It scares me because, my 16DS because he is starting to act like his father in so many ways..controlling, manipulative, lying, wont take the responsiblity for his own actions....with us..me and his siblings..he is fantastic with those outside the circle..and he is good when 21 ds or BF or another adult is around. Dr jekle and Mr hyde all over again..he isnt into drugs, drinking, crime...as of yet...but I fear it maybe coming...he is a honor roll student and a peer councelor at school for crying out loud. I have tried to talkto the school about him being in this postition but they argue that he is the "perfect role model and has a lot of common sense at school"and that is what the kids see and need! He was awarded from the student body at the JR high last year..(7th - 9th grade, a little over 800 kids!) with the Best Advisor and role model" He doesnt do sports except weightlifting and plays guitar. He works part time and saves 1/2 of all his paychecks for his car he wants to get.

I just want to run away...sell everything, handle the remaining kids to their dad and go in the mountains..in Ozarks. I know how to live off the land. I know how to shoot, fish, garden..sew, can..I want off this merry go round for a while!!! Yet I know this is unrealistic, and I would regret every minute of it. I wanted kids, I love kids...they didnt ask to be born, I wanted everyone of them. I just didnt think I would of been doing it by melf! know what I mean.

going to stop here..I have to try to regroup...

one other thing, DS of 16 has done something to the puter..cause he was on it last..and that was right after I took his phone and computer privledges away for his disrespet to me..and now I cant send out emails! I dont know enough about them to dig into it. That is also like what his father would do to me ...mess with the puter so I couldnt use it.I have never ever said to him nor his siblings that I see so much of their fathers characteristics in him......Nor that he is starting to scare me. He knows he better never lay a hand on me too. his bro and BF and the cops would deal with him. so I know I dont have to be afraid in that way..ok

Ive calmed down now, and stopped the crying and can breathe better..thanks gals..

DaMomma....You have helped me so much the last couple of months. I'm here for ya. I hear ya!

Here's more of the irrelevance of being an older woman. The insults just keep on coming.

I was talking to a guy about a club a lot of people frequent. It's kind of a wildish place, lots of fun, and it also attracts a lot of ladies-of-the-evening. Many of them very attractive young women. He said to me how he'd seen this old woman in there--at least 50!--who was a prostitute. Playing the good sport I looked horrified, ohmygod 50! He said "who'd want a woman like that? All wrinkled and flabby when there are all these beautiful girls to be had?" I nodded in agreement. The idea! Old thing, who indeed would want that.....? Apparently he didn't know how old I am. I've never spoken to him again.

Last year I went to the first black-tie ball I've ever been to in my life. I was so excited. I bought the first evening gown I've ever owned and had my hair all fixed up and painted my toenails and made up and bought new shoes. I thought I looked gorgeous. Then there was a young woman at the ball in this incredible bareback dress, she was curvy and voluptuous with beautiful thick black hair piled up on her head. About 22, she was smoking hot. A real traffic stopper. I kept waiting for her to burst into flame in that dress. It made me feel like such a dowdy old matron. And here I thought I looked so cute. What was I thinking? Old fool.

I've had people tell me how "well preserved" I am for my age. Is this supposed to be a compliment?? It makes me feel like an old dill pickle floating around the bottom of the jar. How I "look good for my age" Hey, gee, thanks a whole lot for that! I feel so much better now. It feels great to be a good looking old lady.

And I still hear the comments about PMSing whan I'm kinda crabby. PMS, ha! If only they knew....those days are long gone. PMS I wish. What I wouldn't give for PMS.

Wow...Da Momma, it's so true that you've been there for so many of us, with your great sense of humor and upbeat encouraging ways. It breaks my heart to see you so down.

I don't know if I could handle raising kids right now either. Both of mine are out of the house. DS graduated college in 2004, DD is a junior in college. They're wonderful kids and I miss them in many ways, but I sure wouldn't want to be raising teenagers at this point in my life. You deserve to feel overwhelmed!

I think gettting mouthy is sort of normal for a 16 year old. It shouldn't be tolerated but it is all part of him trying to pull away from you and become a man. He needs to respect you and you should definitely deal with him by giving the consequences you have. You're being a loving mom to tell him that you care enough to teach him so that some day he will treat his own wife with respect. It was mean of him to tamper with the computer. Can you bargain with him in some way to get him to fix the email? Like tell him what a genius he is with computers and how dumb you feel and maybe he could teach you more about it? Appealing to a man's ego usually works...they're such suckers for being fed praise

It sounds like you need a change of scenery. I hope you find a new job (I'm still unemployed after being laid off in May--have tried so hard to find a new job). You need someplace to feed your own need of self worth. Your kids are not doing it for you and can't be expected to. You have to find it somewhere else. Then once you have an income again, maybe you should hire someone to "nanny" for you on occasion so you can spend time doing some of your own interests.

I guess I'm rambling a bit. I just wish the best for you. Glad you have a supportive BF. It sounds like the ex is useless and wouldn't be a good influence on the kids at home, so he really isn't the person to send the kids to. You are an amazing woman to have done all you have by yourself all these years. Remember how far you've come and draw on that strength, but also try to get some good help when you're financially able.

Thinking of you!

Shel

Ms Mom, I don't want to neglect you either. I know how you feel about self image. I still look good at 51, but only because I was given good genes by my parents. I don't regularly exercise, though I do eat properly. The butt is still small but boy has it dropped--truly needs some toning before I go on the cruise in Feb. ).

I'm sure you really did look great for that ball. You just can't compare yourself to the young chicks. None of us are ever going to be young chicks again and we have to find other ways to gain self worth that don't depend on looks. Easier said than done, I know. I'm trying to practice this myself. I'm trying to not let it bother me if my husband notices the gorgeous young chicks when we go places. He's the same age as me and is still handsome, but very white-haired and has his own pot belly!

We, as older women, need to surround ourselves with other women our age, women who have gained a lifetime of wonderful experiences and done the right thing, the raising of kids and taking care of husbands, etc. We are still worthy and have a lot to give and share. You have done the right thing too, and it's a shame your husband doesn't give you any credit or kudos or cuddles. You will have to make the effort to improve your time with him, because he sounds like he's content to keep things as they are. It's just laziness on his part not to work at keeping your relationship important.

Pat yourself on the back for having done the right thing all these years. If you can't involve you husband in this new phase of life, find some friends your own age to spend time with and feel worthwhile with. You still have a lot of life to live and are not old and useless. You will get through this discouraging time.

Shel

Shellbelle......Well put and SO true. We are really obsessed in this country with youth. It is on the big screen, in magazines, on TV.....everywhere.

But like so many I am having great difficulty with the aging process. It truly is like one day you wake up and your a different person and you don't even know who this new person is.

I can totally relate to this thread. From 33 to 36ish, I looked HOT. This was after having 3 kids. I was toned and tanned and juggling several boyfriends at a time. I also ran long distance, did martial arts, body building, you name it. Now I am 43 in the throws of perimenopause and what a difference a few years make! My weight has been an uphill battle, my face is changing. Even my enhanced boobs that I got 7 years ago are saggy. I no longer turn the heads or get the attention I used to.

Having said that, I wouldn't go back to being younger if I was given the chance. Going through all of these physical changes has changed the way I think for the good. I guess part of it is wisdom. The other part is I'm no longer obsessed with my looks. My attitude today is I want to be happy and healthy. I'm a much more caring and giving person rather than the self-centered biatch I used to be. I no longer engage myself in the pettiness that life sometimes dishes out. After all, life is way too short. I think most ladies going through peri and meno would agree.

DaMomma, sorry you are feeling down! You deserve to be treated with respect, and that includes your son. If he messed with the computer, you need to confront him and ask him to fix it. After it's fixed, you need to give him some consequences for messing it up in the first place. Maybe he could do some chores for you or for a neighbor?

Don't let this slip. I think maybe he is testing you to see if you will put up with the same crap your ex dished out. You need to set limits and boundaries. He needs to learn how to treat a lady with respect, and he needs to learn it now!

Glad you found a wonderful BF, and hope you find a job soon!

Hi There;

I'm 45 and my Psychologist {a Woman}, told me recently that I'm "Striking".
That's about as bad as Handsome or Comely.
About a year ago, my whole female fam-damily was attending a bridal shower for one of the nieces. My Sister-in-law Annette, the Same Annette in the "Graft to Host Disease" post, were sitting together in our breathable fabric, loose fitting dresses. Along come the Groom and the Best Man just to drop in on the Bride for a minute and they do the "around the room, kissy kissy" circuit. Our Niece is now married to an Italian fella and so there were about 85 Ladies at the Shower. Annette and I turn to each other and said that just 5 - 7 years ago we both had killer bodies. We made heads snappp!, not just turn. Look at us now, we're the sweaty, chin haired old broads that no hunk of a fella would want to kiss. We have to wipe our faces clean of sweat before anyone can give us a kiss on the cheek. That "GLOW" thing is wrong. IT'S SWEAT.

I chose not to rave and ramble, rather I wanted to RANT.

Linda
Linderful

Thanks gals, I have regained some of my mind, I think for now anyways...

Ms Mom..I believe part of your post "triggered" somethings in me that I hadnt allowed myself to admit...then when the things that happened last night with DS compounded it.(Im NOT blaming you hun, thank you for being upfront and knowing that you knew you were safe here to speak out and share) It takes guts to say the things you shared so openly..the same with all you gals..

I too, now I can admit, that my physical appearance ..body shape..has really been tearing at me...even after having my 6th child(34 then) until I had my gallbladder removed..(almost 36) I was sharing clothes with both my teenaged daughters...we 3 were in size 3's! I weighed a whole whopping 130 lbs. curves, muscle tone... and when the DS got out some of my old modeling pictures and started telling me I was lazy and didnt care about myself to "allow" myself to get so big. (I dont think actually a size 12 is huge?"my friends all ask me what happened to you, you were such a knock out" I was such at a low as it was with the PSTD, i was having from my nap..and trying to get some energy to finish my chores when he started in.

I have the pot belly thingy happening, mainly when I sit down, and I was telling myself...id get back down. But I couldnt deal with him..reminded me too much of his dad..so I was havin more PTSD happening.

Im still trying to sort some more things out with the truths you stated MS Mom..and again thank you for sharing, cuz I have now been able to see that I have been hurting and , got salt thrown in my wounds so to speak, by DS and now I can begin to heal from that.

Believe gals, DS isnt getting away with it. He's grounded, no phone calls, no internet unless he has to for homework. I have just got to keep my walls up with him, and let the "water off a ducks back roll off" so to speak.

I think there's a posting some where on here about how kids demand their rights, and the mom listed out about the good will and how CPS says only a roof and such..I want to print it out, and i'm planning on FRAMING it and hanging it by DS's room.

Hugs gals..

Hi There;

I've Got another one:

Picture this:

You are 37 years old. You are at the beach, lying on a blanket and enjoying the sun caressing your body. You are nicely tanned without any tan lines and you are wearing an Ivory coloured Crochet Bikini. I mean Bikini. You rise from the blanket and stretch a little bit. The Puka Shells that decorate the centre clasp of your brasiere and the sides of your bikini bottoms jingle a bit with gravity. Your natural D cup breasts are sassy, and your belly is as flat as young girl's. You shake your head like they do in the movies and your long blonde spiral curls fall into place and glow against the tan of your skin. You walk to the water with that confident, "everybody is watching me", stride. As you wade into the water you lift your legs high until you get to waist deep water, then with an elegant panache, your body melts into the water. You submerge and swim underwater for a while and then come back to the surface and head out to the diving platform in the middle of the lake. Stretching your limbs as you climb up the ladder onto the diving platform, you find that you are the only one there. Still feeling soooo good, you recline on the platform, finger brush your hair into their tidy curls, and watch the water droplets evaporate from your skin. You look around, enjoying the view, and enjoying how you feel about yourself. You Think, "GOD, I Look GOOD".
You hear some water splashing sounds coming from behind you. You look, and you see 2 adolescent boys swimming to the platform. The get to the raft and hang onto the side. You're not really paying any attention to them because they're just kids. You hear a debate begin between the 2 young fellas as they try to decide whether to climb up on the Platform or not. Finally, one lad says to the other;



"Let's just wait until the OLD Lady Leaves."

AAUUUUUGGHHHH! EGO KILL.

Yes; this did happen to me. Hope you enjoy the story.

Linda
Linderful

Oh my Gawd! LOL Lets go find 'em linder..hehehe errrrrrrrrrr....put sand down their pants...

Holy Crap!!! Funny, but Holy Crap!

You guys crack me up! I've never been able to tan. My hubby looks at my legs and calls me White Meat Chicken. I haven't worn a bikini since I was 7 years old. I weigh 140 and wear a size 12. Even when I weighed 130 there's no way I could fit into a size 3, or 6 or 8 for that matter. I have never turned heads, that I know of. (Maybe I just didn't notice???)

So as far as looks go, it's not a big deal to me. I look young for my age, and I look fairly good overall. (At least in my opinion!) I am gaining weight around the middle, so I try to watch what I eat and exercise regularly.

But I was never HOT!!!!! LOL!

i was feeling sorry for myself, i talked to my husband about how i felt, how old i feel, how fat i am, how unfit, all the bad bits... he asked me who's opinion counted? who thought i was fat and old and awful - i said it was just me... he then asked if his opinion was at all important to me, and i said of course it was! no question... he then told me in his eyes i was not fat, i was not old, and i was definitely not awful in any way.. he's sure got a way of making me feel good!

Zen, your hubby sounds like my BF if fact he's begin trying to talk me into not coloring my hair now. He said he likes the natural look better. Well, that is something I am not ready for.. I am more than 70% grey! Started getting grey hair when I was 16, was 50% by the time I was 30...

Give him a hug for me and tell him I think he's a dear..

I had a great weekend. My 14 year old Son had his belated birthday celebration with a couple of friends. Rented a couple of Movies and a Video Game. Picked up a Roadhouse Platter with all kinds of Chicken Wings and Wedgie Fries and a Chocolate Fudge Bar Cake. My husband and I went out to a Friend's 50th Birthday party on Saturday night for a couple of hours, no booze, neither my Husband nor I drink, and sat around a bonfire and talked. Really, really nice.
This morning, my husband asks if I want to go for a drive in the country. We did. We took the convertible and with the top down, took a nice scenic drive in the wine region of the Niagara Penninsula. Great, Great time.
Get home, I decide to have a nap and my sister calls from Toronto. She says she just wants to chat to catch up with me because I was feeling so badly for a couple of weeks. Depression and Anxiety Disorders can do that. I tell her I'm feeling a lot more like myself and thank her for calling. She then tells me that she is going to help our 85 year old father take 3 days of stool samples to his Physician because he feels weird. Come October 3rd, our father would be a six year stomach cancer survivor. Now I feel like the roller coaster ride is going to start all over again. The last 10 years have been bad. Bad (Ugly) (Scared for my Life) divorce, Great New Marriage, Son with a learning Disorder, Years of work and now he's okay for a while. Mom loses leg to Diabetes, this involves 4 separate surgeries. With each surgery we lose mom a little bit more. Mom loses her mind entirely to Alzheimers. Mom goes into a Nursing home after shattering both hips in 1998. Dad has torn the artificial hip out of the bone by trying to lift my Mom in 1998. He waits for 8 Months for Hip replacement Surgery, as a cripple. He Starts walking okay again and gets stomach pains. He thinks it's Gall stones. Nope, It's Stomach Cancer. Has an Operation in Oct 1999 to remove 3/4 of his stomach. Mom disappears from her mind, there is this lump sitting in a wheel chair that sort of looks like my Mom, but her eyes are vacant. I have a problem with my Job because of Depression. I Take a 7 week sick leave. I go back to work and transfer to another Office. October 2001 I go off sick again. Mom Dies August 27 2002 at age 82, pneumonia as complications of Diabetes and Alzheimers. I'm still off work, **** happens, I go on long term disability. I am a 25 year employee of the same company. They screw me over, I take them to the Federal Human Rights Board. I win. When I get better they have to take me back. I have now been off work for 47 months. My dad in the meanwhile is doing better and better with his stomach and in 18 months gains 2 pounds. No small feat with on 1/4 of your stomach left. Guess what? His life must be too easy. Prostate Cancer enters his life about 15 months ago. He gets a shot in his gut every 3 months to keep the Cancer from growing too fast. Borrowed Time. And now. More **** to deal with. Why the F*** can't God just leave us alone for a while. I know it is said that he (GOD) only gives us as much as we can bear, but I'll tell you, I'm beyond the breaking point a couple of times over. That which does not kill you makes you stronger? More like gets you Hospitalized. I've been there too this past year in the Psych ward for 3 weeks.
"STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF".

All of this Rant started from a Phone call from my Sister. I say to Her. "Thanks for Calling". Could have done without it today.

I don't want to sound selfish, but I would have liked 1 weekend where I felt like a human being, with a wonderful Son, and an Absolutely Boffo Husband. Love the Guy Dearly. And where everything was right in my corner of the world.


Linda
Linderful

I just wanted to add to my rant; I do have to most terrific Husband. He has experienced Anxiety attacks since he was about 16 years old and is now 50. Funny thing too is that he knows what it feels like to have hot flashes, he's had them. So I could never ask for a better partner when it comes to this time of my life. I just seem to not stay on target, on subject, whatever, for any length of time so the good stuff seems to get lost in the flotsam of life. Yeah, I've got a lot of flotsam right now, infact it seems that it has been ongoing for the last 10 to 13 years, but I have to remind myself of the GOOD that has come my way.

Thanks again ladies for listening.

Linderful

Linderful
My husband is very supportive also. He kinda knows how I feel at times. He gets stressed out over his job. He's had heart palps and the racing heart. I'm not sure he has ever experienced a full blown anxiety attack. Maybe, one night he got up and said he couldn't breathe deep. Sounds like some sort of one! He has a thyroid condition. Takes Synthroid. Your thyroid produces hormones. So he has a hormonal imbalance. He has hot flashes worse than I do and I have some doozies! And he also has mysterious aches and pains, so yeah, I think hormones can do some mighty goofy things to your body and mind.

Hi Ladies;

Feeling kind of icky today. My 85 year old Dad goes to his Doctor this afternoon with his samples. I don't know how long it will take to get the test results back. I hope it's not Colon Cancer. I have an appointment with my Psychologist today at 1:00, so I'll at least get a chance to talk. My Disability Insurance company has been calling me constantly for an updated Health report from my Psychiatrist. It has been faxed, and mailed. The Insurance Co. says they haven't received it yet. It's been going on for almost 2 months now. How do you call the Head of the Psychiatry Department and as him to send it again and again? I guess I'll pick up a copy of it today from my Psychologist, fax it myself, send it registered mail and maybe even email it from scan. I'll get to see what my Psychiatrist really thinks about me. Fun, WOW !!! I hate adversarial crap. Every time the Insurance co. calls me about something I just choke right up. I get Nausea, Diarhea, Palps, Anxiety attacks, all that crap. Why can't they leave you alone for a little while so that you can get better? That would make too much sense.

Thx.

Linderful

best wishes to you linderful, and may all the luck of a thousand horseshoes go with you...

i am with you, i have lost a father and a stepfather, both to cancer.. my mother's third husband is 91, and has had prostate cancer for the last 10 years or more... but it's only been lately he has lost a lot of weight and says he's too tired to do the things he used to up to this year!

i don't beleive there are any gods.

Thank you Zen;

I appreciate the kind thoughts. I also like the part about "horseshoes". My husband has 12 siblings and 1 of the brothers is very, very, lucky. He works hard, but he is soooooo lucky, my husband says he has horseshoes up his butt.
So naturally, when you mentioned horseshoes, I had to smile.
This brother is also so lucky that "He could put his hands in a bucket of manure and come out with Diamond Rings on all His Fingers".

Thanks for making me smile.

Linda
Linderful

Well I found out from my medical report that I am BiPolar II. I thought I was Unipolar. BiPolar II is the Clinical Depression with Wildish Mood Swings but no Mania. That's why I take Lithium. The Anxiety/Panic Disorder wasn't a big surprise though. I am going to need to take some time to wrap my head around this label.

Thx

Linderful

Hi Linderful,

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. I'll say a prayer for your dad. I know what you mean about insurance companies. I ended up paying my doctor $1000 because he billed the insurance company wrong and wouldn't change it. I just wasn't up for continued conflict between him and insurance. I can't afford it but my sanity is worth it right now! Getting a copy from your doctor makes great sense.

I've had bad insomnia this week. The good news is that it didn't trigger the usual panic attacks - until tonight . Like many women here I'm getting afraid to go to bed.

Let us know how your dad is.

I need to rant and ramble tonight so ladies, please bear with me. I have had a few good days, got things done around my house, like some painting and I was even up on a ladder. I have actually felt half-way human, now mind you only half-way. This entire summer I have had anxiety out the butt, shaking (I look like I'm freezing to death), it seems like I have had one doozy of a hot flash all summer long. BUT I seemed to have been able to cope with those. Oh, and all kinds of aches and pains and weird sensations everywhere in my body. Like I said, I have been coping. 3 years ago is when I had what I call all the mental stuff. Walking around in a dream world, like not being inside your own body (I read that on here somewhere), a host of other goofy stuff plus dizziness. I would sit at my desk at work and have to hold onto it because I was afraid I would fall out of my chair. I haven't felt any of that for the last 3 years. Tonight I am sitting here at the computer reading all these posts (since I found this site that is an everyday occurence) and WHAM, out of the blue, grabbed the computer stand....thought I was going to fall out of my chair. I'm just venting...I thought that dizzy **** was over with. Those are the symptoms I had that caused me not to want to drive for awhile. I can handle the anxiety, the shaking and the hot flashes.....I can't handle that mental stuff. I am 48 and most of this **** started at the age of 32. 16 years is long enough. I want my life back...the one that is supposed to be better than the one before all this hit. I don't want to scare anybody. I know I am very much in the minority when it comes to the length of these symptoms lasting. My mother had a very long perimenopause also. 2 of my 3 younger sisters are all going through various stages of it. I think they keep looking at me like...when are you going to stop all this crap? Well kids...gee...I'd love to!! My youngest sister is probably the luckiest of us, as sick as this sounds, she had to have a total hysterectomy (sp?) 3 and a half years ago at the age of 36. She went through her own crap for awhile but now she seems like she's the only sane one of us. And she doesn't take anything for it. I guess there is hope for us all. I could ramble on for days. Thanks ladies, I just love this place!!!!!! PS that is!!!

linder..hang in there girl


Tots...hugs

Hi Tots,

I feel for you! I had a terrible bout of the dizzies - lasted for 6 weeks constant. It completely threw me and caused depression, anxiety, confusion - you name it.
I still get the occasional spell if I'm tired or stressed.
Like you I can't stand stuff that 'messes with my head'. I mean, pain is pain; hot flushes can be coped with but stuff that makes you feel like you're going crazy -no thanks!

I think we just have to hold on (literally sometimes!) and hope that the bouts will get less frequent. Treat it for what it is, *only* a bout of dizziness, not something that means you are nuts!

Hi Tots;

For me, Dizzy equals Anxiety. Look at your Anxiety / Stress as a Tornado. It Starts Way up high (In your head) Irrational thoughts, Twisted self perceptions, then drops suddenly to the bottom, near the ground and sweeps your senses up and around and around and out of control. The high winds of confusion pick up your unresolved thoughts, self doubts, guilty feelings and just shakes and batters the living **** out of your mind.

Ride 'em Cowboy!!!!

Linderful

Thanks ladies!
Linderful...what a colorful way to explain that! I like the analogy.
Peribelle....I know we're not nuts! I just thought that symptom was long over with!
DaMomma....Hugs back at ya!

I guess I just needed to vent a little. Having that dizzy spell just pi**ed me off more than anything. I was hoping that crap wouldn't happen again, after 3 years!! Maybe it won't happen again. I had been up on a ladder all afternoon and evening painting. I had alot of tension in my neck. Could have been the reason. I'm trying to get back to being optimistic. I feel half-way human today (so far) Hope all you ladies have a wonderful day!!!

Wow, Linderful! That's a fantastic analogy!!

I have BPII also...have gone a few rounds with it over the past 25 years. Took a while to get a handle on what was going on, but once properly diagnosed so could get on the right meds (sort of process of trial and error), hasn't been much of a problem.

There was a slight (NOT) exception to that when I got hammered with all this peri stuff like a ton o'bricks this spring, at precisely the time the spring hypomania kicks in. Was NOT a good time for a while--very much like the tornado you describe--but now that I'm back on some meds, things are going much better.

Hang in & feel free to PM if you want.

Liz

Linder...WOW! It was described so vivid I could actually see it..

Linder...WOW! It was described so vivid I could actually see it..

Hi I'm new to the boards, I'm 50 and in peri. I read most of the posts on this thread. I have a 28 yr. old daughter so I'm glad I'm not trying to raise a teen now. I really feel for you Ms. Mom and Da Momma. I realize I'm pretty late to the thread, but maybe others will read as I have and so I'll continue.

I felt angry at your kids and husband Ms. Mom. I think it was terribly rude of your daughter to criticize your appearance. I'm sure she wouldn't like it if you talked to her that way. Same with your son Da Momma. It's just plain rude. I think they shouldn't get away with it. And your husband Ms. Mom, I think he needs a talking to about showing up for your relationship. I agree with what another poster said, he sounds like he's being lazy. I would think setting your family straight would make you feel a whole heck of a lot better! You gave and give a lot and you sure deserve better!

Da Momma, I'm glad you don't believe the things your ex said. I totally get your feeling of wishing you could get away from them all and go up in the mountains. You will probably get your chance eventually because they won't stay teens forever and you can throw them out of the nest at some point. Its just how to get through the time until. When my daughter was being really rough and she was, I had an older friend with grown kids keep telling me "they do grow up and leave home, they do grow up and leave home". It was the only thing that got me through, and then of course when she left for college I was miserable LOL.

I go back and forth on the appearance thing. I'm still slim, I'm having some health issues that keep my energy so low that my exercise is only intermittent, not consistent so I could be a lot firmer but there are things that aren't ever gonna go back to how they were. I wonder if it isn't harder for those of us who used to be HOT to deal with this LOL! I keep telling myself at least I got to know what that was like, but I also tell myself it never got me good men, it never gave me much confidence because of inside issues, it didn't 'warm my heart' and it sure as hell didn't make me happy and I was a major knockout. I'm still not too bad looking, I was hit on by a 16ish looking kid while out with my husband, he said, "you're hot, can I have your phone number?" I was in an evening gown on my way to the opera. But I get overlooked for gorgeous young women too. And sometimes I look at all these gorgeous young women out there and I actually feel jealous and that's just stupid. I hated it when older women looked jealously and angrily at me when I was younger and their husbands couldn't help but look at me.

We're just not going to hang onto being hot and turning heads. But that's kind of a chore in a way too - maybe I'm just too tired to care LOL.

I have an absolutely wonderful husband who is 15 years younger than me and makes me feel very beautiful. He's always telling me how beautiful I am and ladies, it's all far from perfect! That helps a lot. It's not possible for someone younger than we are to know what we know. My husband feels he benefits a lot from my maturity, it's helped him a lot. We're richer, deeper, and more truly beautiful and that lasts and even grows. Those gorgeous young women out there will be old too. No one escapes that, even Cher with all her 'work' is going to look ridiculous eventually LOL.

Yeah, I think it hurts sometimes to feel out of the running in the beauty sweepstakes but I don't think all that much of the judges.

Glad to be part of the board.

Holly

Hello Holly - I like that bit about the judges not being up to much, very astute of you! Welcome, and I hope you find lots to help you here

HollyD...Welcome to PS Hun,...I hope that you will be able to see PS as one of your homes away from home, as I have been able too.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Since that post you must of been referrin to, things have gotten better, especially with the DS of 16....BF sent him to NC for a week, when he had a break from school...and since his return, he has gotten *much better. It isnt a constant thing from him as it had been. When he does start, "You dont like it here, so I will send you to your Dad's then." He backs up...

I hear what ya are sayin about they do leave...but then again, sometimes they come back with more! hee hee...

I just wanted to welcome you again, and give ya thanks, and give ya a breif update....keep on a postin too!

I just had the oddest thought. I wonder what the People in Las Vegas would think if the over 20,000 Peri women from power surge descended on their fair city at one time for a convention. Man, I don't think their hospitality people would know what to do with us !!

Linderful

Thanks so much for the welcome Peribelle and DaMomma:-)

DaMomma, it's so nice to hear the good news in your update! LOL about them coming back with more:-) hehe maybe they'll have to find your mountain whereabouts! I love how your BF is taking an active role in the parenting.

Nice to be here:-)

Holly

Linda - what a fantastic idea! That would be SOME convention. People would really sit up and take notice then.
Forgive my ignorance evryone - but isn't LA the city with all the steep hills? How suitable for us all on our roller coaster rides

OK I've just re-read your post and I see you said Las Vegas and not LA.
I'm having a bad day It's still a good idea though.

OK this is for raving on , so:

Does anyone else feel invisible now they've got menopausal? I sometimes think I'm not there because no one takes much notice of me since I got older- it's not good! I feel like waving a flag about or doing something silly to attract attention- nutty perhaps!! Maybe I was indulged as a child
Antique