I have been dating the same man for 3 years. For the first year we did it like rabbits (twice a day at least). For 6 months after that we went from having it twice a day to having it once a month. From then until now it happens so rarely I can't remember the last time I had sex. My boyfriend is becomming very frustrated.

I still find him attractive. I have sex dreams several times a month about him and I. I just never seem to feel like it. Once I get going I am fine. No problems at all. Even watching videos doesnt help. I baught a waterproof vibrator just last week and I have had no want to try it at all.

I went to the doctor and got a blood test. The results came back fine. I am of perfect health. So that means my lack or libido is definately not chemical.

Help me someone.

Love Cath

Hi misscath I think that you hit the nail on the head with "once I get going, I'm fine". Sometimes, when you haven't had sex for a while you kind of become lethargic about it, like "well, if it happens ok but I'd rather not" or worse: "I'll do it for him so he won't be frustrated, but I don't have to enjoy it". The pressure from the boyfriend (even if he says nothing), doesn't help either because you feel guilty - NOT an aphrodisiac!! If you have sex dreams then it's still there, you just have to nurture it - if you still find your boyfriend sexually attractive (VERY important) then you can - very slowly try to bring the intimacy back into your life. God, I sound like some kind of authority on this subject which I assure you I'm NOT - but in my experience of life (I'm 50) I can tell you that feeling you HAVE to is the worst kind of turn-off! Think about how it was before, when you were intimate (I don't mean the rabbit thing!) and remember - even better - of how it felt AFTERWARDS when you are so close to each other. Maybe you could start by just touching - no penetration allowed - and see how exciting it can get to be - maybe not in the beginning, it will take TIME but you will feel so much better when things actually start happening again. Take the stress of yourself and RELAX, that's the only way to enjoy intimacy, try laughing together too, it's a real ice-breaker!! Hugs Rita

I don't think a blood test means your lack of libido is not chemical. For one thing, what exactly did they test for? You'd need a full hormone panel (not just estradiol, progesterone and testosterone, but DHEA, thyroid and a few others) just for starters. That would cost a lot of money, and most doctors are never that thorough.

You doctor probably just took an FSH, which is so worthless (unless it is extremely high or extremely low) it isn't even funny.

I also have sexual dreams occasionally, but I'm losing my sex drive in spite of that. I do get a little help from DHEA, but I'm really conservative so I only use it a week or so a month.

There are other reasons for lack of sex drive, like depression or medications. It isn't always hormonal, but in mid-life I'd suspect that as a culprit, all things being equal.

Ok. I may be comming out of left field here.
(But it kinda sounds like me)
I am about the same place in the relationship, over the MUST have it ALL the time (he even had me convinced that there were studies that sex was PROVEN to alleviate the symptoms of .....fill in the blank)(and he's not even CLOSE to being a teenager!)whatever....
and have settled into real life. I get urges and sometimes he just isn't there. (there are ways of maybe changing his mind, but at the first rebuff, remember, NO means NO.)
And there have been many times when I just haven't felt like it but BOING!!!!
You have said that once you get going, you are OK, and he is getting frustrated.
Is he waiting for you to initiate? or do you just not respond to his advances?
I'm gonna go with the not responding so he gets frustrated.
(always knowing that it is still your decision)
RELAX! Even if it is NOT earth-shattering, it can still be fulfilling.
Introduce a lubricant into your life.
Honey knows that I am going through physical changes, and has come to terms with the fact that he cannot always INSTANTLY spur me to self-lubricate
(Gosh, when I initiate, I can't always self-lubricate! )
Soooo I have taught him how to apply the KY, or whatever .
He will not be happy about it at first, but as soon as he realises the benefits, he will be OK. Relax and tell him where to touch you with the lotion. Make sure to over do rather than skimp. (We always have a towel standing by for after, but it could be used before too!)

Give it a go.

I know Honey and me are NEVER on the same schedule, and sometimes when he comes at me with that big grin and flips off the covers, I KNOW what he wants, and I kinda roll my eyes, point at the bed-side table and say "show me, baby"

Sorry, the rest, you have to make up yourselves!

Chef ~ Well said

My libido flucuates with my cycle. Hubby and I seem to have different schedules as well.

A little lube, I like using the Emerita Response Cream, helps A LOT in that dept as you said and I've also explained that a little romance helps as well. Like fixing dinner, cuddling on the couch etc.

I think all of us women love the closeness it brings to us with our partners and making sure that their needs aren't forgotten as well.

Great post Chef!!!

I resisted the lube - until sex became painful. To my surprise my fella had ZERO problems with using it. We even made an adventure out of buying it. LOL I like the warming kind

leanne I too, resisted the lube - I wonder WHY we do that? I think in my case it was because I wasn't going to ADMIT to being all dried up - made me feel like an old crone!! I'm glad I changed my mind, because now everything goes much better - I like the warming kind too!! Rita

Exactly!! It was all about vanity! Now, honestly, even if I didn't need it I would want it I told my fella, "this has been around for years, and where the heck were we??" LMAO!!

ok here's a question for ya gals,.... I do not have the low libido, as of yet, and BF sure wishes I did at times, now here's my ?.... had any of you started being "rearing to go", with no problems of being wet, then during the middle of..u know...all of a sudden just dry up for NO reason? Is this maybe the start for me? 'cuz it sure makes no sense to me. I mean too that..i am still aroused but dry!!

It doesnt bother BF, in fact he was the one to suggest we get some to have on hand when it happens. This has only happened a couple of times in the past year. We dont get to see each other much, so...im a wondering..

Thanks for your time, and input gals..

DaMomma I don't have a low libido in fact mine has inceased wih peri!! That doesn't mean you can't get dry. it's one of the symptoms of peri. Yes, this has happened to me too, even when I'm in the mood, half way through I get dry. I don't even feel it myself, my hubby tells me because it becomes more difficult for him too. Try the warming lube, if you use it at the beginning you don't dry up and it's kinda - well, FUN too Rita

have gone for the warming stuff too! and my libido seems to be increasing, as is my enjoyment! i call it a door prize! considering all the rest, it's a good thing!! my husband is enjoying it too.....

thanks gals....door prize?!!! WOW!! LOL!!!! okey dokey!!!

I have had 3 periods since last December, and I can really feel myself leveling out. 85% of my symptoms are gone, and I feel like my old self again! YIPPEE!! The dryness has been the only new symptom, and after all the anxiety, mood swings, hyprchondria, aches and pains, I'll take that on gladly!!

But to answer your question Damomma...For the five years leading up to this new leveling off experience, I had sex on the brain 24/7 LOL I would say I was even over lubricated sometimes. I was ready with very little effort, if you get the picture

Only when my periods stopped did the dryness happen. I think my libido might be a bit lower than before, but I think that's almost welcome. My fella would often say "you are KILLING me!" LOL but he said it with a smile

Rita is right. It's one of the symptoms. We're all have our own timing as to when it happens, but it's normal.

On a personal note, I hope the person who came up with the idea for the "warming" part got very rich! They deserve it!!

well, i don't feel much in the way of 'warm' but the stuff seems wetter than some, say wetter than KY.. and seems to last longer too.. i have been through a much dryer phase than now, but still make sure i use some lubricant each time anyway, for the just in case halfway through..

killing your man? my guy can wish...

Guys Ive stumbled across this forum while looking for info on low testosterone. Ive joined, so I can comment on here, but I'm not menopausal, I'm 32 but feel just the same as some of you. When I first met hubbie 4 years ago it was all fab (we've got no children) now sex has died off to point where it is something I consciously do for him. I don't ever get an urge. I had always thought this was just "the way I was" but perhaps not? I have a great relationship with my husband, and if I'm honest have always had a low sex drive. But recently I'm thinking wouldn't it just be nice to feel that urge.

Im thinking go going to the dr's and asking for some tests? I went to them previously about another great issue, orgasms, and they just suggested I go to Relate. I'm wondering whether my lack or orgasm and sex drive are now related? Any comments you might have will be of help.

Thanks x

It could be related. I started into perimenopause about age 34 myself!

Zelma

Clare B.....I was 32 when I started perimenopause. I didn't know that is what it was until years later. I'm now 48. 16 years and counting! I'm not saying you are perimenopausal, I'm just saying you could be. I'm just now starting with the low libido crap. Different symptoms hit different women at different times. Keep that in mind.

i think tots' reply here is one thing to really keep in mind when reading through this site - we woman are all unique - each in our own way - and all symptoms, anything to do with menopause or anything else for that matter, will be different for all of us...

Claire.. ditto on tots and zens... i did notice you mentioned about no orgasm.... well hun, if I had a lack of have the big O.. I wouldnt be that interested either.

Some of my neighbors are from a couple of countries from africa, were they circumsize the women. They have shared with me, how they hate it..sex...because they dont have orgasms...

the men dont try to find the Gspot, and the women just looked at me as if I was on something when I tried to explain to them where and how they could still be orgasimic..(if that is even a word..hmm, better add it to DaMommas dictionary) anyhow,

there are specialists, and I believe there might even be an expert on here that has some information on achieving or where another link maybe to help you in that area..and your hubby. Dearest has just about everything on here hun.

i meant to reply to the main issue here too! (still looking for that mind of mine)

altho my libido and orgasmic capabilities are not actually suffering right now - been there... and i think that even when i don't come myself, i enjoyed just being with him.. sex is a closeness that can't be beat! but you have to be there with him, and he with you, if you know what i mean.. sometimes if i just allowed myself to relax enough, not expect anything really, and let myself forget that maybe i wasn't as attractive as i used to be, with weight gain and age creeping up on me too, and just let things happen as they will, then good things would happen all on their own almost.. and while sometimes i wouldn't call it earthshattering! it felt so good...

i'm not saying you might have these particular issues of mine too, in fact i am not saying you have any issues at all!! but just lying there thinking of england got me nowhere fast!

ROTFLOL! where did england come from???!!! what are you on..hehehe (zen)


Claire..zen has made a good point though hun...

ClareB I don't know - I thought I had a low sex drive until I left my ex and tried another man!! I'not suggesting you do this of course but - if you still fancy your hubby sexually, maybe you two can spice things up a bit - not just YOU - him too. Guys are usually in for just about anything right? Just find out what his secret fantasy might be. My hubby and I go to a sex shop sometimes to buy toys, you know vibrators and such, to do it TOGETHER is kind of exciting........Who knows ?Maybe you could get your sex drive back using a little fantasy?? .Just a thought..........Rita

2 very good points there skunky!!

a little adventure in the bedroom is one of the best things to spice up a flagging sexual relationship! (actually, why limit oneself to one room?) i will admit to being a tad adventurous in that department as well... no way would i want to swap my man! but sometimes that is what it takes...

Hm, there used to be a story about older women (I guess from England) telling younger women that sex was something to be endured and to just "think of England" and ignore what was going on when satisfying their husbands.

Doesn't sound like much fun, does it??? Glad I didn't buy that one!!!

Zelma

My problem is I'm always asleep! I'm fine until I have supper and then after that, if I just relax for even 5 minutes, I am gone!!!! Hubby and I went from having sex at least 3 times a week to maybe once. My daughter (16) came home to pack her bag to sleep at a friends and she kissed me goodbye while I was sleeping and I never woke up so I have to memory of seeing her!! That's bad!!!!!!!
I take vitamins but maybe not the right ones. I take green tea tablets, fish oil and a vitamin for my hair/nails. I need to take serious vitamins.
I didn't expect to fall asleep after supper until I was like in my 60s!! Like you guys, once I get going, its fine but once I'm sleeping, an earthquake can't wake me up!

I have found myself actually starting to fantasize about dh since actually taking my testosterone cream 3 x this week. Until this phase in life I think I've had very high testosterone, but for a year or so I've had zero libido and no ability to even, well, you know. That is coming back, and so are the happy thoughts. Now I just need to get rid of my four girls (they're worse at this age than when they were little--go to bed later than we do and always need something from my closet)

Zisurfer. You are quite right about "think of England" It was either that, or "think of the Queen" - even worse!!! This came from Victorian times. Queen Victoria has a lot to answer for!! Sex WAS considered something that should be enjoyed only by the man - so even if a woman DID feel something - very hard for her after this type of upbringing!! - then she felt guilty, like she was a whore. Even the husbands didn't want their wives to enjoy it because then she wasn't a "Lady". I am 50 and this kind of repression is still around. I was brought up to KNOW that I better not speak of anything sexual with my parents - it would have been unheard of and they wouldn't have known what to say to me and would have fobbed me off with much embarassment. Isn't it unbelievable? Rita

junnepurl I am exactly the same way!! It is hard for me to stay awake in the evenings and I take LOADS of vitamins!!! It's been the last few months that this has been going on, we eat supper and we try and watch Law and Order at 9 O'clock together (with someting ELSE in mind for when we go to bed) - but I can never watch more than half of it, I'm already dozing....... Our sex has to mainly be in the mornings because when I'm sleepy, I get GRUMPY too!!! HUbby thinks he's on to a good thing (so do I)!! but nothing ends up happening! Bummer!Rita

and then when i'm ready to have sex, my period comes!

oh yes.. i remember it well! when i had regular periods that is - even irregular ones! seemed i was always hottest just before a period!

Well I know for sure peri is causing my low libido--All summer I noticed that I just wasn't as interested in sex. I hadn't had my period for 5 months, then last week I felt the little depression I used to get 3 days before my period. I remember thinking, "How odd, feels a bit like my old PMS depression." Then, two days later, if my husband had been home, I would have jumped him! I thought, "Wow, I'm baaack!" Third day I got a very, very light period. Amazing what a little influx of hormones will do. <_<

You know it doesn't make sense to me that we get horny before our period.
WHY? If you are ovulating, okay, THEN it's nature's way of getting you pregnant. Anyone any ideas whay we feel that way before a period????????? especially when you are feeling irritable as hell and you are bloated up and your breasts hurt!!!! What IS this??? Rita

I've been like that for over 2 years now...no matter when my period was gonna come..It drives me crazier! <_<

Hi,

Boy this subject rings a bell, ask my husband how my libido is or shall I say was.

I just tried a new supplement by Nature Made vitamins which you can get at Rite Aid and other stores, its called Rekindle and it contains calcium, L-Arginine, Korean Ginseng, Damiana leaf, and Ginkgo leaf extract. Its supposed to help with mood also I just started taking it and it will take about 2 weeks to notice if it works. The Nature Made has a website which offers coupon discounts and advice for different condiditons.

Pat