I am 45 and the day my periods stopped has been the worst. I had symptoms before my periods stopped but it has gone down hill since. So ladies don't wish for something you may not want. Before my periods stopped I had some anxiety, hot flashes, feelings of being cold, temper flair-up. But it was nothing like this. Constant anxiety, prickly legs, indegestion, weight loss than weight gain. bouts of crying. Just an overall feeling of doom. I would rather be having my periods at least than I knew I still had some hormones in my body. Now I am just this big bundle of nerves anxious about what the next day is going to bring. The worse part is my step daughter just started having a period. Yesterday my bh screamed at both of us. He and his daughter have a habit of hitting each other playfully but it always end up with one of them mad. Well she started to hit him and he was in a bad mood so he hit her hard. Next thing you know she was in the bathroom crying. He then screamed why are you crying and she would not answer him, just went to her room. When he realized she was still crying he looked at me and said if I have one more hormonal woman I am going to scream. Well he left a red mark on her arm and yes she is having her period but I think she would of cryed anyway. Me, I was just mad at him because he was going to go to a car show and leave me with my two grandchildren which was fine but I told him he was taking his daughter. We were suppose to go to a car show this past weekend but he decided we were not because she did not want to go so we spent 12 hrs in an amusement park and lately rides make me sick. I figured on Sunday we would just stay home and then he announced to me late Saturday night that he thought he would go for a while. It made me mad and I told him then you can take your daughter with you. I have spent the last two weeks with her since I have not been working. Its his visitation time not mine. She had been pretty good but she is 12, an only child, very opinionated and self centered. Imagine, could it be because dad has taught her that what she wants reins above everyone elses wishes. The sad part about it is I am 45 and my kids are raised. I live with a man who lets his ex-girlfriend control our lives through his daughter. I also live with a man who can not stick to his ideas about anything. I am ready to abandon ship. I should be enjoying my forties and instead I feel like I can't breath. The last time I felt this way and had major physical issues in my life I left my boyfriend and all of the physical symptoms went away. Maybe thats what I need. Why do men always think that everything is hormonal maybe it isn't, maybe its just putting up with the crap.

bhood, sounds to me like you should jump ship. Doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you to be in right now. At least from the way you've described it, I would consider getting out of it. Just my humble opinion. I feel bad for you, because right now you need to feel good about yourself and not be catering to everyone else's needs all the time.

Shel

_bhood

I am with Shel. Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. From what you have said.

I can’t take any toxic people right now. I seem to be so much better when kept away from them.

If you can get away for a vacation on your own to reassess things, perhaps that will give you a clear thinking to make a decision.

Best Wished Barb

Its my own fault for not seeing the end of the tunnel. I raised two children of my own and being divorced from their father. But I had two not one. I also raised mine like my mom raised me. There was three of us. I even shared my life with my kids with other people but did not expect them to parent my children. I was the one that corrected them and taught them to respect adults. Never would my children went around and labeled things in the homes that I lived in with others as their property or my property. It was understood that it was our property. When plans were made we pretty much stuck them unless an emergency came up. When I went places my kids went along and yes it was not always everything that they would of picked but we tried to be fair and plan activities for all of us to enjoy. He on the other hand and his ex have taught their daughter that she is the center of attention. If I counted the collars and leashes for the dog it would probably come to 100. The dog is 12 and not long for this world and I am sure she is hoping that just one time she would not be drug around the yard in the name of fun. The cats( we have two) run as soon as they see her. The pet rabbit died about two weeks ago from a rabbit illness and I nursed him daily for 4 weeks before that. Not once did she offer to help and he died while she was here and I will admit I did not tell her since she did not even care to go see him knowing he was sick. The guinea pig we also had died and the cage was in our back porch and she did not even notice that she was gone. My head screams why, why have all of these pets for a child who does not care! Yes I love the person I am with but it has come with a lot of sacrifices and I am not sure that they are worth it. I have to be honest in the fact that maybe at 45 I want to be alittle selfish and can not understand a person who does not see that maybe I don't feel the same way that he feels about his daughter. I loved my own kids but did not expect the people I have lived with to think that the sun sat and rose on them. I knew that my kids were not always easy to deal with and that they could be pistols sometimes. The sad thing is she has no friends and most people can not stand her and I tried to tell him as kindly as I could that he is just making it worse. Also too he does see for himself what is happening with her and realizes she is not a nice person but still he persists. He is so concerned about her not loving him that he will allow her anything. Oh well you have listened enough to my venting all I know is this. If I choose to stay and we make plans and she decides to be a butt and not want to go then I will go without him. My days of letting a 12 year old control me are over! Thanks for the advice its greatly appreciated!

I have one thing to add: I feel really sorry for your boyfriend's daughter. Regardless of whether you say he spoiled her, she comes from a very unstable background; not only are her parents not together, they were never even married, which in her 12-year-old mind might mean that she was not worth their getting married.

And now she has to have visitations at her dad's with yet another girlfriend, while again, not even having a step-mother.

Also, if her father hit her really hard (as you said) when he didn't like the way she was playing the hitting game that HE taught her, he probably should be arrested.

Just my opinion, but he sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate, dysfunctional bum. (And by "bum" I don't mean his employment status, I mean his treatment of treatment of others.) I have always been an advocate for children's welfare, so in this case I do not care in the least that I've been "judgmental."

I vote that you'd be better off without the guy.

Although I have misgiving about my place in this relationship I will have to say a few things in my boyfriends defense. He is not a total heartless oger. He has loved this child from the day she was born. He would give up anything else in his life for her, including me. I did not get to meet his daughter until he felt comfortable with our relationship and he has not drug grilfriends in and out of her life. They were together a total of 9 years before their daughter was born. Right before his daughter was conceived he had a talk with her mother and told her that he felt the relationship was not working and that he thought they needed time apart. She got upset and cried and he told her they would wait awhile and see how things were going. Right after he told her that she went off of birth control and got pregnant. When she started gaining weight he asked her if she was pregnant and she denied it not telling him until she was 6 months along. . Because he loved his daughter and wanted to be with her he stayed in a relationship with her mother and tried to make it work for another 5 years. One day his ex came home and told him she had been having an affair for two years and that she was leaving him. She left his daughter with him and told him she would be back when she got settled in with her new boyfriend. Two weeks later she came to get her. He wanted joint custody and she would not agree (he found out later because the support would of been half.) After getting the amount set she let him have her all of the time. Because of her mother his daughter has been in 5 schools in 5 different towns and she is starting the 6th grade. Everytime her mother got her a pet and they could not keep it he has taken the animals in. Something my ex-husband would of told me to take a flying leap. His ex lived with her boyfriend for six years, got caught with his cousin and he threw her out. Moved into an apartment with the cousin visiting every weekend. Cousins brother came to town and now she is married to him. I know that he does not understand about hormonal things and that even if women get mad or cry he chalks it all up to that but where his daugher is concerned is another story. As far as her and my relationship when we are by ourselves we get along fine and she treats me with respect but then she is like most kids let a parent enter the circle and chaos breaks out. She has watched her mother twist her father around her pinky for too many years just so he can spend as much time as he can with his daughter.
When I first met his daughter two and a half years ago her mother left her on her fathers door step because she was booted out by the man she left him for. Their daughter was with us all summer till the day before school started, no calls from mom and no visit. I should of told him then to file for custody but felt like it was not my place to interfer into something that I had just entered. Every time he tries to get an attorney to get custody they always tell him the same thing. If you don't win she will probably take away more of your visitation. Right now we have her 6 of 14 and we commute her back and forth to school. As far as him slapping her yes she had a red mark for about 20 minutes but she does not care how hard she hits back. This also was not something he taught her. We are constantly having to get after her about hurting the animals we have because she thinks she is the only one with feelings. Just this evening my boyfriend got to looking at one of our cats and she had put the cats collar on so tight because he is constantly loosing them and it was removing all of the cats hair from around its neck. She also was taught by her mothers boyfriend after her father to be mean to animals if they do not do what you want them to. When I first met her if I did not acknowledge something she said right away she would bite me.
His father's biggest problem is he wants her to have some of the things he never had and he also wants her to feel happy and love and he goes into over kill. But I also know one of these days he will realize when she kicks him in the butt once again and then maybe finally he will not reward disrespect with a vacation. Like my mom always said when their little they step on your toes but when they are bigger they step on your heart. I just think sometimes if people are going to be so onesided where their kids are concerned that they need to raise them first and then possibly invite someone into their lives when the kids are grown.

Well, due to the rejection by the girl's mother and probably many other possible reasons, this girl has emotional problems (hurting animals and biting people) for which she needs to be treated A.S.A.P. These are among the first signs of sociopathy, by the way.

Maybe all three of you could get into family therapy.

I'm just curious, but why didn't your bf initially marry his daughter's mother since they were together for so many years before she became pregnant, and has he ever said he wanted to marry you? Again, this is strictly a curiosity.

bhood,
I see why you're feeling the way you are. You're at an age where you need to be thinking about you for awhile. Your kids are grown, you've done your time. You really need to ask yourself, what do YOU want out of the rest of your life? I'm 50 and have been wrestling with this question for a few years and it seems to be coming to a head. I love my family (husband, 2 grown kids still living at home in school and working) but there are many minutes in the day that I wish I had the guts to just pack my things and go off by myself for awhile, like a year! I have a great need to just be me right now, try a new job, live somewhere else. We all have the keys to our own cages, but rarely use them.
alyce

I don't know, I feel sorry for this little girl.

Seems like ALL the adults around her are acting selfishly.

Don't mean to open a can of worms, but for heaven's sake, she is 12 years old, and SHOULD be the center of attention. What horrible, horrible problems she's encountered already in her short life.

Sheesh.

We have been together for 2 1/2 years and last Christmas he gave me an engagement ring. He told me last month that he felt like it was time he made an honest woman of me (jokingly) and that he wanted to get married in the spring. We have had our ups and downs as a lot of relationships do. My past relationships were anything but inspiring. Right before I met him I lost everything I owned. I had to file bankruptcy and I lost two homes and a business because of a bad relationship. Trust has always been a very big issue with me. I also moved away two hours from the only place that I had ever called home. I left the remnants of my life and started new.
I had no intention of becoming involved again with someone right away but sometimes we don't always know what life holds for us. The fact that we have not married yet I will be honest and say is in half my fault because of these issues. I felt like I needed to get rid of old baggage before I could delve any deeper.
As to your questions about their relationship. They met just out of high school. They dated while he was in college and so they did not see each other often. After college they moved in together and I have a feeling she was his first relationship both emotionally and sexually. Both of them had issues from their childhood that I am sure did not help the situation. He came from a divorced home, where the father he loved beat him. Then his mother remarried and married a man who emotionally abused him and his brothers. So his idea of marriage kind of soured from what he saw in his young life. He did admit to me that he loved her but that over the years he realized that she was prone to lie and distort things. He worked a lot as he has always been very responsible and they both had very active lives apart from each other outside of their home together. As with some couples in the beginning you share interest but sometimes these interests are not genuine and you often go off to pursue your own. Over the years before their daughter was born he realized that they were growing apart. In fact they were total opposites. I think because she had never had a good responsible person in her life she clung to him even though he was not what she really wanted. When he met her she had been sent to visit with her grandfather because her mother was trying to keep her away from a boyfriend who was a bad apple. She has the tendency to involve herself with scary people throwing caution to the wind. They draw her like magnents. Because of his steadfastness and layed back personality I think he became boring to her but yet she wanted to have the security to fall back on. I also feel since i know a lot of the people that know and knew both her and him that she planned the pregnancy as a way to keep him. She lied to him about the pregnancy. She went four months after the pregnancy and had a tubal and never told him until he came home after work and found her at home. Never asked him how he felt about more children or anything. She had an affair for the last two years they were together. She told people and friends that he did not want their child and that he was a mean and spiteful person. After they split she threw her friends to the side that she had while they were together. As time went by he made contact with them so his daughter could stay friends with their children. At that point her past friends and he realized that she had lied to them all. As her past best friend put it, she knew when she saw him with his child how much he loved and cared for her and how good he was to her. Just recently the friends moved away and before they left she apologized to him about how bad she felt that she and her husband had ever believed his ex's words. I truly believed that his ex represented herself most of the time as something she was not. I know he stayed with her after the birth of their child because he thought that the relationship might get better and because he wanted his child with him. Even her family still keep in contact with him and have the highest regard for him. I have met quite a few of them and they have nothing but good to say about him. I think she wanted a child and knew he was responsible and would take care of the child not like the riffraff she associates with. What would you pick if you just wanted to have a child? She is a major control freak and wanted something she could control him with and control herself.
Hence their daughter. She controls every aspect of her daughters life.
The way the child thinks, how she is suppose to feel about people and anything in her life. She just recently bought a 300.00 dog because her daughter said she wanted to go live with her dad. She even went as far as to tell her daughter that is why she bought the dog. Dogs have been his daughters whole life. They have been her friends and her siblings. Because of her mothers constant moving she has never been able to keep any friends. The only friend the little girl has is the one that just moved 5 states away from where we live. I thought that would shatter her for sure. But we let her call when ever possible and they write each other. They have been friends since she was born. The only constant stability that she has ever know in her life is the home we live in and her father and her one friend. Where other children are concerned her mother and her new husband have taught her to have a very bigoted personality. If she can not control a friend then they are not worth having. Needless to say this has left her friendless. I feel very bad for her but my hands are pretty much tied as to a solution. Yes she has emotional problems. We wanted to take her to talk to someone and her mother threw a fit. I think because she does not want the truth to come out. She is not what is in the best interest of her child and she knows it. But that is something that is very hard to prove here it seems. She constantly threatens taking away their time together if he pushes any issues and he is afraid she might succeed. Courts can be very unfair and unfeeling and he does not want to loose the time he has so he sets back and waits. If it were me I would request the court for a change of custody and request an evaluation of the home lives and his daughter. Reality of life is way out their for my stepdaughter. She is very unstable and has just begun puberty. This on top of her life makes for a very emotional situation. She has a body of a 12 year old and the maturity of a 7 year old. It just amazed me when you would put the two friends together. The maturity of her friend was so much more advanced then her. All i myself can do is try to be their for her as best I can. But I have to be honest with myself it is very hard to watch this situation continue to go downhill and know there is nothing I can do about it. Hence my reasons for knowing if I want to stay or not!