I'm 48 and since last summer I have been going into full blown menopause. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time. I really didn't know that much about menopause. My problem is this... I just got married to a wonderful guy in April 2004. We live in Texas. We moved here from Florida. But I have displayed such horrible angry outbursts at him, that he has gone back to Florida. He has family and a home there. I have thrown things, slammed doors, locked him out of the house. The worst is I have thrown a fit every time we have visited his relatives in Florida in front of them (3 times). He obviously thinks I have a severe anger problem. His sisters think I am nuts and are encouraging him to get a divorce. They are obviously younger and don't understand what this is like...

My symptoms started last summer. I started having very heavy, painful periods (all of a sudden). Then I developed bladder problems. Then I developed high blood pressure. I would get extremely upset over things that could have been handled better (and I used to handle well). But, I was just out of control. I would always feel terrible after these episodes, and knew it just wasn't me. He would say, I've got to get a grip on things or he's leaving. I had such rage and threw it all at him. I could feel it swelling up inside me and couldn't control the outburst. I had a hysterectomy in January this year, and was going better. I tried to talk to my gyno about still not feeling quite right/normal. He put me on estrogen and my other general physician (who was a older lady -- and I thought she would understand) put me on Zoloft and Xanax. I knew I still wasn't quite right. When I complained to my gyno further, he cut my estrogen in half. I then had a major problem with my 22 year old son (who was living with us for about 5 months) and things just went through the roof again. So he left...

I've read most of the letters sent in, but they are people that have been married many years. How do I save my marriage at this point? I do dearly love this man, and I have run him off. And the sad thing is that was the last person I wanted to hurt. I'm desperate. I am now going to a new doctor in a couple of days that specializes in natural bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. I've read a book by Suzanne Somers "The Sexy Years". It was extremely helpful. It seemed as if it was written about me. I'm taking a 15-week course on controlling anxiety/depression/anger. I've ordered more books from your website link. But I'm afraid my husband won't be able to hang in there... The sad thing is this didn't used to be me. I'm not an angry venting person. This isn't me anymore. I want the old me back...

Donna you definitely need professional counseling as does your husband so he can get more insight as to what is going on with you. Your gyn can be very helpful in educating him about menopause & many of your symptoms. You are not alone! I am going through perimenopause & one of my best ways to describe it is a "demon" inside me thats taken control, like a virus that just has to run its course. A while back i had the same symptoms as you but was practically living on valium just to keep me calm ( i have to be patient or i wouldnt have a job) & it did help about 60-75%. I am a little better but my poor husband admits it was 'hell'. I wish you both the best of luck. Please keep us all posted. I'll be thinking of you!

Hi Donna. Maybe you should ask him to take a look at your post. Maybe he'll realize how much you care about him and that you want to make things work but you don't know what's going on inside of you. If you have the insurance or the money, seek professional counciling with a physcologist or psychiatrist - they can prescribe the correct temporary meds you may need right now and direct you to a gynocologist who can help you out as well.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it - even if it's something you have no control over. So, you've already have taken that first step.

Hi Donna ~

First, welcome to Power Surge... You will find lots of support here and lots of information about the symptoms of menopause - one of which is not feeling like your "old self" and another - anger. There was even a specialist on a weekly chat a few weeks ago speaking directly to the issue of anger. You might search transcripts of "the experts" on the main page - not a board.

Sounds like you have been through so much during the last year - starting menopause, getting married and then having a hysterectomy ... so many changes in your life - both good ones and bad ones - puts you in a very high stress category.

I'm so sorry to read that your husband has gone back to Florida. It sounds like you are taking several positive steps concerning your menopause and anger issues - seeking out a new doctor specializing in bioidentical hormones and taking the course in stress/anger management.

I'm wondering - as others have advised - if you and your husband have considered seeking marriage counselling or individual counselling.

It's embarrassing, yes, to have angry outbursts in front of your inlaws and also to have your sister-in-laws "think you are nuts" but... ultimately, this is a personal issue between you and your husband. Is he open to having you visit him in Florida? Is this something you could do or would consider? Have you spoken on the phone? These are all questions you might want to consider while you are thinkijng through your options and what might be your next step toward working things out between you.

It cannot be easy to know that you became so angry towards someone you love that he left however, with time and much effort, it may be possible to reconcile these issues. If possible keep the lines of communication open between you. Let him know the steps you are taking. It would be "nice" if you could take these steps together but... keep taking them even if you must take them alone. You will be a better person for it.

I'll be thinking of you ~

Liz

Yes, I agree with Sail978 and Lizi.

You could either show him your post or write a letter to him. An old fashioned idea I know, but a letter can be written calmly and with care, whereas if you called him it can be sparked off by "Well you said..."etc and develop into an argument.

I'm so sorry that he walked away. My husband is similar by just not speaking instead of getting it out into the open and dealing with it. Unfortunately that makes me more angry.

I so appreciate all your comments and feedback they are very helpful for me through this difficult time. We actually did go to counseling a few times late last year. I really don't think he was into that. He'd never been to a counselor before. At the time I wasn't sure if I was going nuts or what. The counselor did recommend I seek help from a anger specialist, but I checked his website out and it was all about angry men -- not women (and very expensive). We talked about it and decided that didn't look like a viable option. I thought I could get myself back by taking the zoloft and xanax. I thought getting the hysterectomy and going on estrogen would surely be the end of my problems. I was better, but still not OK. We had been talking every day or so, but a couple of days ago he said he thought it best if we communicated only by e-mail and no phone calls. I would love to be able to talk to him in person. He had agreed to come back to Texas and talk to me in person, but changed him mind a day or so later. He thinks what I'm doing now is too late, and should have been done long ago. I was trying different things, and trying to figure out what was the best thing to do. It just takes more time to find the right combination to get back on track. I hope he will just give this some time... I have been forwarding the posts to him every day. So I hope he's still reading them... Thanks again, and keep the feedback coming!

Donna,
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I would like to say though and I hope you do not take it the wrong way but you need to concentrate on you right now. You can not change your husband or the way he feels. I'm not saying to give up but maybe take a step back. It sounds like you have made it perfectly clear to him your sincere desire to work things out. If you push too hard you might push him further away. This is just a thought only you know your situation and your husband. I hope things improve for you.

Donna,

I think it is extremely hard for a man to realize exactly what we are going thru at this time. I tried to explain to my husband by putting it like this--" You are so into your body, what if you felt like you had the flu for the last ten years? What would YOU do?" His reply was "Well, I'd probably go crazy!" I think he got the message because he is so forgiving of me right now


Jan

I think what Lassie has said is right on track. You have to concentrate on you and get yourself to a better place mentally. You're taking the first steps and you should feel good about it.

Donna,

I, too, got married not too long ago and sometimes I feel like my husband got the "booby prize" when he married me.

We married three years ago, and I weighed 128#, was full of life and confident. Then the weight started to pile on, with no apparent reason. Then all the other symptoms started... tired, cranky, cold, angry, brain fog... and more weight gain.....more than 30# in less than two years. Ugh.

I have been to several different doctors... spent thousands of dollars trying to get help. I, too, have rage attacks... scares the heck outta me.

In three short years: We got married..... his dad died shortly after...then my mom died.....we moved three times.... my hubby retired after 20 years in the Marine Corps....he started a new job... he had 9 1/2 hours of major back surgery and was recovering for over a year... my business tripled in less than one year... YIKES... so very very much happening.. all at the same time menopause is hitting.

No wonder we rage and act like demons...

I know it doesn't help... I have no fix..... I sure wish somebody did.

Wow, Ruby,

You guys have been through a LOT. One can only hope, I guess, that in time things will really get settled down for a stretch - just having the peri symptoms ease up would make such a big difference!

Wishing you well, Ruby. Sounds like you're with a good guy, anyway.



Jacquie

Ruby,

I so can relate to your situation! Since I originally started this discussion line, I have taken a very assertive approach to my problem(s). I am now on natural bio-idential hormone replacement. I have added soy isoflavins, st. john's wart and B-12 to my daily vitamin regimen. I no longer take lexapro, zoloft or xanax. I gave up caffeine all together and have greatly limited sugar (both of which I've learned greatly increase anxiety levels that contribute to outbursts). I gave up most of the alcohol drinking (which at the time, I wrongly thought was helping me to cope). I walk 4 miles a day 4-5 days a week (in 50-55 minutes). I've lost about 10 pounds. I am in week 9 of a 15-week stress/anxiety/depression home study course. This was great in helping me to ralize/understand that I really do have a problem that I could not resolve/handle on my own. This has tremendously helped me to learn to calm down, how to deal with stressful situations more appropriately. I feel better now than I have felt in years!

My best advise for you and your husband, is NOT to do what I did...

You should talk to him at least every day about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Let him know what you need/want from him. Don't wait until things build up and you explode. Don't think that you can "hide" this from him and handle it yourself. He might be going through andropause (sp?) male menopause and having his own internal frustrations as well. And lastly, tell him every day that you love him and need him and that although he may sadly be the receipent of the outbursts (those closest to us are), it is not about him, but "venting to him". Ask him to hang in there with you. Once you find the right "formula" for you, things will begin to improve soon.

I don't know about my marriage situation at this point... We are still married, but he lives in Florida and I'm still in Texas. I will be moving to south Alabama soon. Hopefully we can still work things out.

Donna

My mother and I NEVER got along civilly. I can't even speak to her, just her voice would drive me wild.......she was neglectful and abusive in my youth and played mind games all the time. She had our son lying to us...she was making up stories about me to my son....

I've got no patience for much.

I really push to be nice and lovely for my 16 year old son's sake...I am 52 years old.

You always hurt the one you love so the song goes And for me at the moment its so true, there are times I feel so much hate for my husband I really hurt him with the things I say, another time I will be crying at the thought of life without him! Problem is think I have gone too far not sure how much more he can take(tried to explain it not really me but do not he really understands

Get thyself to a doctor, my dear. Lay it on the line, s/he's heard it before and can probably help.

Don't give up! I am 35 and had a hysterectomy 13 years ago after my son was born, the last year and a half I noticed changes in my level of anger. Outburst, slamming doors all the things you are descibing above. Infact two days ago, I was fine, my husband asked me a simple question and I flew off the handle. Just like you I felt terrible. I admitted I was wrong for over reacting and although I know why I have more anger and tension it still does not give me an excuse to treat my husband or anyone this way. I swalled my pride and had a tearful heart to heart with him and apologised and he understood my difficulty to try and deal with this new change of life for me.

It can turn your life upside down your happy, then sad then angry. Its OK and you will get through it, I am having more good days then bad now and I am so thankful for that, and so thankful to read experiences from good people like yourself and the fact you are getting help, don't be to hard on yourself. make peace with your family as hard as it may be and keep reminding yourself no one wants you to suffer, they just don't know how to help. We can help ourselves and thus show love to our family because we are trying.

There areSo many good things ahead for us all. take care of yourself.

As a husband that has a wife that is also going thru meno, I can tell you this about husbands, we can take a hell of a lot, just as long as we know that the anger is not directed at us and we know that you still love us, or him in this case but Im sure you know what Im taking about.

Also may I suggest you try and get him on this site to look around, that way he can also see what is happening with other ladies and there husbands, it realy helped me.

Man Donna, does that ever sound familiar. Like I said in one of my post, I am so glad I was alone when I went through menopause. My rage was so bad, I lashed out at anyone I came in contact with. I scared myself then I felt terrible and couldn't expain why I did that, I didn't know at the time. Now I know since all that has stopped.