but I think he's afraid to be out on his own. He's in college,employed, has few interests beyond his car and few friends, who are now dating steadily. He claims that his education is more important than women, right now. That's a good thing I guess, however I think it would be good ( healthy) to be out having abit of fun. He's suppose to be attending one of the local Universities this Fall, yet he's dragging his feet on the financial paperwork etc...

Earlier today his sister called while I was away & spoke with him at length( she lives in Germany), she then calls me via my cell to let me know that she now understands the frustration I've spoken about for the last 2 years, because she could hear ( finally) this devil may care attitude he's adopted recently. His dad and I have decided its time for him to pay rent starting in June, but I can already see him coming up with excuses or reasons not to comply. So, ladies please help. What did you do ? Have you faced this or similiar issues.. He's 22 , by the way...

HELP.....

Thanks ----

Hi LaLa ~

Well, I did go back to read over your posts the other day - just couldn't find my way back to the thread - which was not this one but this one will do fine...

I hope you will not mind hearing from a newbie (4 yr) step mother - but more importantly a woman with an objective view point. But... ohhh where to start.....? First with my hubby's name since it's his children... his name is David...

Lala... David has a son - now 29, and a daughter - now 23.

His daughter - we thought until last Thursday - had her life totally together. She graduated from college (with honors), was accepteed into a Ph.D. progam (will start this fall) , blah, blah, blah for her. Thursdday 3a.m. comes and we get a phone call from her from the county jail Apparetnly, many moons ago she received a DUI and went through the process of traffic school, etc.. but failed to report to court for her hearing. Thursday, she was caught speeding and the police arrested her on a bench warrant for failing to report to court. David posted a $10,000 personal bond to get her out of jail. She has emailed him a profuse thank u note for bailing her out of jail and promising to report to her next couirt hearing so he can get his $10,000 back This, from a child we thought had her life totally toghether as I said previously.

Now for the son. It only gets worse. He is still living - first with us and now with his mother - supposedly in college for the past 12 years. He doesn't want to be out on his own. Why should he? He has 2 homes to occupy between living on his own and not making it .

David's son was living with us for a bit. We asked him, finally, to pay rent. He paid rent for a bit and then complained that we made too much noise when we made love and moved in with his mother - whree he is now. He eventually moved into his own apartment but... duh - that did not work and he is back again with his mother cuz... well... our noises, etc. offend his senses and he offendds mine

Lala, I've gone into length here about our experience so I could say this to you:

If you are unhappy - as you have said in previous posts - don't wait for your adult children to have their lives together before you live yours. Speak to your life coach about this. Collect rent from your son but... don't lose yourself.

Hope this helps in some way ~

Liz

I think you just have to put your foot down and stick with your decisions. Tell him he must pay rent and make it a fair rent for the both of you and stick to it. Maybe set him down and go over his finances with him if he says he can't afford to pay? One of my rules is if you live under my roof and I am supporting you I have the right to know about all your finances. Where the money is coming from and where it is going. I hope it turns out well for you all.

Liz, Your step daughter sounds like a young girl who made a terrible mistake and is sorry for it. Haven't we all when we were young, some worse then others. I of course do not know the whole story but don't be too hard on her. Other then this incident she sounds like she has done well with her life.

Good morning Ladies

Thank You Lizi & Lassie for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I'll surely take your insights into consideration.

@ Lizi -I have, in part been waiting,at least these 2 years for him to get it together, before firmly establishing plans to get on with my life plans. So, you could say I have been in an holding pattern by choice, attempting to hold our fragile family system together long enough for him to get his footing. Thank goodness, I have finally given myself permission to 'have a life'.. I will also speak with my life coach concerning this issue. Thanks for the suggestion


@ Lassie- Our plan is go over his finances with him, decide on a fair amount for rent then establish a grace period before he is required to start paying. I really would love to have him sign a written contract as I did with my daughter, but my husband says NO. I think he's too soft on him, which in my opinion is undermining his needed growth and independence. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Well, ladies I have to get on with my day...

Later

What would you guys think is a "fair" amount to charge an adult child that's living at home?Just one certain price,or make him/her pay a certain bill,like electric,water or something?And HOW do you actually get them to pay anyway?

does anyone here charge their kids for living with them?

hi moonlight my daughter pays 50 pound a week she use to moan about it saying her friends did not have to pay but i think they should i dont think they realise how much it cost to run a home hope this has helped take care denise

Not sure how much 50 pounds is.....but yes,it is expensive to run a home,especially when there's adult children living in the household.My kids both have decent jobs yet don't help with anything at all,they don't even buy a gallon of milk now and then.So i'm trying to come up with a fair amount to charge them.

I agree with charging adult children who have jobs, something towards the upkeep of the house. Actually, in not doing so, it is a disservice to them. They will become dependent and unable to cope in the outside world.

I began to charge my 25 yr old son, who showed no signs of moving on, or out. Then it began to dawn on him that he could have his own place, sharing with friends, for a little more than he was paying me, so off he went... I think overall it is a good thing not to let them stay stuck in childhood forever.

Primrose

Dont all hate me for what I'm about to say but I wouldn't have the heart to charge my adult children rent. This is their home until they choose to leave. I might ask for a contribution to shopping bills now and then, but that's as far as it would go for me...

Our son just turned 18,still lives at home and started a real job this past week. He has to be up by 5am so needless to say I am awake at 5 also. I did have to wake him up twice so far. DH is stressing over the fact that I had to do this. DH did say that our son should at least start buying the food for his lunches but no mention of rent yet....heck we will see how it goes with the food first

It is not easy being a parent even when they are grown!!

I grew up in a household with 6 boys, 4 being unmotivated, drug-abusing, dysfunctional wrecks....needless to say, when it was ME as the mother, I was concerned this type of personality was genetic (don't think me crazy, I have cousins, male and female, all from the same family line that are as unmotivated, substance abusers, etc.....it's scary )

So...when our kids got through college, we gave them a year at home, free of charge, must be working and at around a year, they were to move out on their own, taking with them any bedroom furniture etc as needed to set up their own household.....

All 3 older ones did and now are all self supporting adults....still have the youngest to go

It may sound tough, but I was seriously effected by how my siblings and cousins turned out...it seems dependence is mistakened for love in my family and it is not healthy IMO....

I know all situtations are diffeent but this worked for us....and we always have our door open for them if situtations should change and they need a refuge, with open arms.....
Momz

I grew up in a household with 6 boys, 4 being unmotivated, drug-abusing, dysfunctional wrecks....needless to say, when it was ME as the mother, I was concerned this type of personality was genetic (don't think me crazy, I have cousins, male and female, all from the same family line that are as unmotivated, substance abusers, etc.....it's scary )

So...when our kids got through college, we gave them a year at home, free of charge, must be working and at around a year, they were to move out on their own, taking with them any bedroom furniture etc as needed to set up their own household.....

All 3 older ones did and now are all self supporting adults....still have the youngest to go

It may sound tough, but I was seriously affected by how my siblings and cousins turned out...it seems dependence is mistakened for love in my family and it is not healthy IMO....

I know all situtations are diffeent but this worked for us....and we always have our door open for them if situtations should change and they need a refuge, with open arms.....

Momz

I'm having such a hard time deciding how much to charge my kids for living with us....mostly because when i lived at home once you turned 18 that wa it,you were out the door and own your own,you could either sink or swim....which i hated at the time and thought it was so cruel of my parents to do...so i went the opposite way,vowed to never do that....so now i have grown children in my house that don't know how to make it on their own....i actually want them to move out,even told them that but got the "we're not wanted or loved" routine from them...so now,out of guilt,i decided to charge them for staying instead.....but i know they won't pay anything anyway,they know i won't stick to what i say....as a counselor told me a couple years ago...."you are a marshmallow mom".....

yep that's me too

I never charged my adult children to live home, however, I made sure they learned to save money. Of course, they bought their own clothes, car, they paid to have it insured and registered, and anything else they needed. They paid their own bills, phone bill, etc. I just supplied them with the roof and food.

All 3 of my children bought their own homes when they got married and all 3 have since traded up on those homes.

Its tough for them today, they need all of the head start they can get. I wanted my kids to have better than what I had early in life...and they did.

If i don't wake my kids up for work,they don't get up and go,which is ridiculous because they're 19 and 22 years old.I feel like i'm getting them up for school all over again....and they whine and complain about having to get up just like kids.And i have to wake hubby up for work too....it's all such BS.....there's nobody to wake me up so that i can wake them up....and nobody has to wake me up for work....as a matter of fact,the last time i had to work an early shift i thought i was gonna have to leave work just to go home and wake them up for work....but i kept calling and texting until they woke up...i'm sick of it!!!!

I thought it was tough having 3 little ones at one time years ago.....i couldn't wait for them to get older cause i thought it would be easier.....it's actually harder when they're older....you have to sit back and watch them make mistakes cause they sure don't want the advice of an "old" person....i love my kids more than life itself,but i'm giving them the boot....they can sink or swim so to speak....that may sound cruel but it's time for the little birdies to leave the nest(again)....

so....how did things turn out?did he ever move out?