I am so frustrated! Having sex used to be a spontaneous thing - but it has become a Complicated Scheduling Challenge, and my husband seems to be too dense to figure it out!

For several years now, dh has not been able to 'perform' at all without chemical assistance. Thank goodness for Viagra, Cialis, et all! And thank goodness for my husband's doctor, who keeps him supplied with free samples! BUT all of these drugs have side-effects. In my husband's case, it affects his vision for about 24 hours. So...... this means he does not want to use these drugs on a 'work night' (when he has to go to work the next day). He works 4 days a week, so this leaves three days when we can schedule a Romantic Encounter.

But on the Available Days he often forgets to take a pill (they take at least an hour to have an effect). So at 10 pm, or later, he'll suddenly remember that he wanted to have sex, but forgot to take a pill....and I truly do not want to stay up another hour + (I get up at 4:30, so I never get 8 hours of sleep...and I'm not willing to give up any of the few hours I DO get).

Or sometimes he will simply forget that sex is an option. At about 9 pm I'm about ready to call it a night and head for bed, but he is ready to watch TV or a movie, or get on the internet (he hangs out on ebay...). If I stay up with him and watch TV, I fall asleep in the recliner....so I usually just go to bed. The next day he sometimes acts angry with me, because I went to bed 'early' and didn't stay up to have sex.

I have told him/asked him to please come to bed early on the evenings we have together. I've said that I don't care if he wants to get up afterwards and goes to watch TV or use the computer - I won't feel insulted or abandoned. But he seems to totally forget.

To complicate things, we live in a small house (1250 sq ft) with 5 children...4 of whom are teenagers right now. The kids all stay up late, so there is almost no time or place when & where there are not children present. So I cannot simply say "Jeff, I want to have sex, so please go take your pill"....or come to bed now, or whatever.....because he is sitting in the living room with the kids.

This is the third weekend in a row that we are going through this. If he flakes out on me again tonight it means we will have gone an entire month without having sex....which is just one more thing on a huge list of disappointments and frustrations. I feel very rejected when he prefers TV or the internet over me.

Regina,

I can understand your feelings. It is complicated, especially with a house full of teenagers.

Would it be possible for you and your husband to schedule a weekend away? (I know how scary this is when you're leaving teens free run of the house!) It would give you the opportunity to make love on a schedule you both enjoy, and you would have a little time to talk about all this.

The day will come when your fledglings have flown the nest, and you and hub will be able to do things so much more easily.

Doesn't make it easier now, but I do understand your frustrations.

sigh....If Only!! Unfortunately, I work weekends. Also, even though I have 2 jobs at the moment, $$ is an issue. There's barely enough to pay the bills & buy groceries. A weekend get-away is out of the question.

I do sort of look forward to when the children will be gone....then I feel horribly guilty (my more-or-less continual state of mind these days ). I want to be ENJOYING my kids in the little time we have left living together, not wishing they'd hurry up and leave.

And then, 8 or 9 years from now when everyone is gone, I don't know how much energy/interest my husband will have left.

Are there violins playing for me yet? Am I moaning loud enough yet? It's only 5:30 am and I'm complaining already....it's not even light outside yet!

God bless your sense of humor!

It's completely normal to look forward to a day when the house is yours again, at the same time knowing you'll miss the kids, and feeling guilty about the whole shebang! I did it when MY daughter was young! Parenting is kind of a bittersweet thing, huh? (Marriage, too.)

You've got a lot on your plate! I don't really have any advice at all, but want you to know that I can feel for you with all this. That wonderful sense of humor will certainly keep you going throughout!

Personally Regina, if i got up at 4.30 every day I would never want sex ever again!

I give you lots of credit for even thinking about it!

Well, I agree, even without other problems like ED, scheduling rendezvous when teenagers are in the house is a challenge.

We plan weekend outings for the teenagers (drop them at a movie,etc.).

This is the only way we could work things out. Late night or early AM just wasn't working.

If you plan a time when you've manipulated the kids out of the house, then your hubby would also be aware of when he has to take his pill.

Don't feel too bad. My husband has the same problem, he doen't like how he feels on Viagra so he has decided not to take it anymore at all and isn't even interested in sex anymore. It's been so long now I can't even remember what it was like. I feel resentful and rejected. I sometimes fantasize what it would be like to feel the passion with another man. I would never want to cheat on my husband but I feel desperate at times and long to be held and loved again. I don't want my sex life to be over yet, I'm going to be 52 this August. I daydream alot about running away and starting a new life somewhere but I'm afraid.

Crazed,

Does he give you attention otherwise? I know some women would happily trade positive attention for sexual - especially if the medicine was causing side-effects. There are claims that it may have a side effect of damaging vision in some people. That's a bit scary, don't you think?

Zelma

How about picking up a romantic greeting card, slipping in a pill, and presenting it to him. Then snuggle through the news, or whatever is on until bedtime.
The teenagers will think it is "gross" now, but, believe me, they will remember how close their parents were when they are older and in relationships of their own.

I remember my Mom and Dad getting cosy, and how it drove me nuts, but in later years, it gave me hope that relationships actually could endure through the years.

Couldn't hurt to try

I agree that you still need that closeness. Hubby and I only get together once a week. We're both on meds that affect our libido, and we only seem to require sex that often. But we know how important it is to connect that way on a regular basis.

I've had the same fantasies even with my lower libido. The thought of another man and some new passion is intriguing. But I also know it would be terribly destructive (not to mention difficult to manage in a small town, small state!). The main thing is to keep communicating about it. There are other ways your hubby can please you without actual intercourse .

My hubby is diabetic and also needs viagra. He doesn't seem bothered by any side effects though. Everyone is so different. What about cialis or levitra? (I think those are the names of other ED drugs). Maybe they would work without side effects for your sweetie.

Good luck with this difficult situation!

Shel

Sex "only" once a week? I had to chuckle at that, because I've rarely wanted sex more often than that in my life, and I've alway felt I was a pretty highly sexual person (since I achieve orgasm fairly easily). When a relationship is brand new, I would want it more, but certainly not in the last 20 years with my same spouse.

It's all relative, of course. Like in Annie Hall, when the psychiatrist asks Diane Keaton how often she and Woody have sex, she says, "Constantly--twice a week!" And then Woody's psychiatrist asks him the same question and he says, "Almost never--twice a week."

Totally off the subject ...... but just noticed your quote Aimee Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! <_<
You should do a "compilation expose" Aimee !!

Julie x