Between the chronic pain in my back, which has limited my world immensely and the premenstrual depression I'm thinking death would be preferable to this cyclical *hit. I'm just venting, so please don't make any psychotropic, "natural hormones" or natural remedy suggestions. I've tried them all and before my period I feel literally screwed. This isn't whiny PMS either. It's laying upon your bed wanting to sink into the ether of death. I'm not overtly suicidal, because some part of me clings to hope. I screwed. Out of options. Oh, add my panic attacks and tirades to the scenario and I feel like I'm being devoured. Ha, should have known it was premenstrual time when it keeps reverberating in my head that human's are *ss holes and that I hate myself. Now, not only do I feel despondent, I feel guilty for exposing my barreness. I saw an tiny speck of blood. The period is coming. How sad is that when you keep checking obsessively for blood, because you know that will help some. In peri, bleeding doesn't help like it once did. I keep thinking I want to go home. Of, that old "Negro Spiritual," "Oh Freedom," that they sang at my nephews funeral when he took his own life. And the woman who say DISTRACT YOURSELF. Ha, I had so many hobbies, but are they worth exacerbating the chronic back pain. WEll, I'd better get off the computer, as that's one more thing that hurts. I consider a pain clinic, but living on narcotics scares me. Then again chronic pain shrinks the brain and causes depression. I just want me back.

God, I was working on my attitude last week when the hormonal fluctuations weren't crucifying me. OH, there's always next week. I am so scared and sad! I was a good mother, so I am so ashamed of the meno monster I've turned into. Granted they're grown, but it living with a tempermental, hormonal *itch won't drive a 25 yr old male away, what will.

I guess I'm likely slightly depressed all month. Before my period though, it's awful. And anyone that thinks pull yourself up by your bootstraps is DAMN IGNORANT.

Poor Chris......I don't know what to say other than "Hang in there"....

Chis- Hang in there sister. One minute at a time. This S*** has to end sometime. I know how you feel. Thank you for being brave enough to express your true feelings. Do not feel guilty about that. You are an inspiration. I do not get the relief I once did when I bleed. At least I didn't this month. My mood has been up and Down all month. Mostly down and I just want to get one GOOD Night's sleep (is that too much to ask?) I am so tired today I can't think straight. Oh and the anxiety is still with me (not as bad) but still there. I wish we could all meet and talk to each other in person. I would give you such a hug. It will get better. Hang on. Sandy

Thanks you Jade and Sandy. This is so damn hard. I hope someday this is all a fuzzy memory.

Chris, Just wanted to add another "hang in there". I guess that's all we can do until this is over! You are such help to so many - wish we could offer you some relief!! Your friend, Boone

Chris- I hope that you are feeling better today. I know how difficult this is. I did not sleep well again last night. My boyfriend left this morning for an 11 day trip and I feel worse when he is gone. Nothing to distract me but work as I have no childern. I hope his traveling slows down next year. There should be something out there to help women who are suffering with this peri stuff. It isn't right that you should feel so bad. I know that you have tried everything. Hopefully today is better for you and tomorrow is better still. I hope some doctor finds an answer soon and it is less of a hit or miss type of thing for women. This past month 1/2 my hormone adjustments have been somewhat of a miss. This is partly my fault as I got a second opinion on the estrogen (glad I did that) and then bought what this Dr was selling ( that he could make me feel 100%) If only I could sleep thru the night. I will call Pete today, maybe he has an idea. I am actually contemplating spending bigger bucks and going to a woman Gyn in town that does not take insurance. Would I get better care? Is she more knowledgeable? I don't know. This is so hard because I want to find a solution and I don't know where to look anymore. Take care Chris. Keep posting. You have helped so many of us. Sandy

Ladies, Thanks so much. I'm flowing now, so some relief should be around the corner. Ay, yi, yi, yi, between the panic, the rage and the despair I was about to fly off to Salem to schedule my witch trial. Hang in there.

Poor Chris. Have you tried acupuncture, a chiropractor? Just trying to think of something that may be of help to you. I think anything is worth trying. I did used to feel like I would explode before a period myself and used to get so snappish. My periods would then be extremely heavy. I used to take starflower oil and evening primrose, which did actually help and gave me nice nails too. I now occasionally feel like I'm going to have a period, twinges in the well remembered places, feeling like a scared rabbit but then nothing. However I've been tricked before, after an 8 month vacation my friend returned and again left me this May. I've not had the bonfire of the sanitaries yet though. :wink:

The bonfire of sanitaries, that's a great line, Alice. Yeah, I've explored lots of options for the back. I just have to learn to listen to my body. Tough for a woman who had countless projects pre-peri. I am feeling quite a bit better, both mentally and physically. Thanks, you ladies are the greatest!

Chris... Sorry I haven't been on in a couple of days. I'm happy you're improving since your first post. I know what you mean about when people tell you to "distract yourself." Makes you want to push them off a cliff, huh? Then, when they are writhing at the bottom of the abyss, you can yell down, "Hey, distract yourself!!" What I've learned from depression is that there is NO possibility of distracting yourself when you hit the low rungs. It's SERIOUS. You are holding on for dear life. I've told Dave at times not to be sad when I die, because I will have relief from sorrow and depression, from off-and-on bladder pain which has been with me for a little over 10 years now, and just from the weariness of living. Yet like you, I don't want to die. Who wouldn't gladly choose to be well? And there are those "surprise" moments of happiness, even in the midst of despair, that keep us going. No matter what, none of us is out of options. There's this - reaching out to others. You do that, and as you see, people respond quickly because they care. Let this wash away the cynical thoughts that creep in when we're grovelling around. There are caring people in the world. Hang in - we need to know we're not alone.

As always, Jacquie your kind words are wise. Thanks ladies. In the midst of depression one starts to think nobody cares. I also like the analogy about distracting yourself. If you've never writhed at the bottom of the abyss, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT! Never assume another's experience is the same as your own. Compassion, compassion, compassion!

JJ Your post really touched me. You are a wonderful person. Chris just wanted you to know that I appreciate all your posts and I care about you. You are strong and gutsy and creative. You have allot of insight and you aren't afraid to share and show your feelings. Hey I had to smile at that comment about yelling down into the abyss "Distract Yourself" Hope everyone has a great weekend. I am driving to my parents (my significant other is traveling and I do need distraction) I hate that drive. I am always afraid of getting lost for some reason. Have a good one. Sandy

Sandy, Getting out on the endless stretch of road accompanied by a collection full of one's favorite CDs is fun. Just don't let peril head here drive. I just find myself zoning out, which is more dangerous than gettting lost. My nephew, who's a decade younger than I still talks about when I first got my licence and a reference to needing a barf bag. I care about you, as well, Sandy. I start to think the internet is not real, perhaps full of jokers. But, you seem REAL and KIND, which rates in my estimination. And, yes my bud Jacquie is a sweetie. Ugh, dizzy spell, going to lay down.

Oh (((Chris))), I haven't been on much lately, I just found your post today and hope your better... I'm writting through major brain fog so maybe this post won't make much sense... Your my meno-buddy girlfriend and it hurts me to see you suffering so! I have had a few days in the last few months feeling pretty good, not great just better> my periods are now late, not for sure what it means but I will take it... I'm pretty much skipping the holidays since they bring me such sad memories from my childhood now.. We where so poor and I can remember my Mom crying becasue there was no tree no presents and no special dinner... NOW>>I'm dealing with unresolved issues from my past>Crap! Why the hell is that? guess the point I'm trying to make is, peri-meno know how to attack us and in different ways.. I'm starting to have a lot of muscle fatigue, my doctor said it from being so decondition. But I have very little energy to work out> so what to do>Hmmmmmm! Anyway, thinking about you... What in the heck did people do before computer's > what a comfort to come here and talk to you guys!

Snowmoon, I missed you! My periods are still coming early and I'm feeling mighty overwhelmed. I'm sorry the holidays are making you sad. I'm not feeling much spirit, myself. How's your horse? I have to get some exercise too. This last period left me feeling like I was hit by a steamroller. I have had a few good days scattered here and there, so I hope they come back soon.

Hi Chris, >>I'm screwed. Out of options.<< NOW That is just how I feel! I just give up some days stay in bed eat ice cream and watch movie's> next day I feel better> Best medicine I know to do anymore. Feel sorry for myself> have a pity party, whine Now how pathetic is that? BUT who cares? What options do we have left? Doctors think we are nuts> why bother to tell them anything! I'm tired of trying meciations that could be dangerous! One endo overdose me on synthyroid two years ago, I almost died. I was even on Vioxx for awhile for my fibomyalgia.. I sure don't feel any worse not taking all the medication I was on... I'm starting to really savor good days> I had one the other day and I just couldn't let it go. Soooooo I stay up till 3am.. My horse is fine, He pretty much thinks I'm nuts, since it is so cold I have him all bundle in layers of horse blankets. But really He doesn't seem to care! It makes me feel better knowing he's all warm. I'm having a hard time handling the cold weather, thinking maybe my thyroid medication may need adjusted. I have thyroid tests done every three months, since they are due next month I will just wait.. ~C

Oh, I have to do the thyroid test again. I have tiny veins that roll, so I rather hate being a pin cushion. I swear the rough peri and thyroid are interconnected and they just don't know how. Yup, I just decided to ditch the Celebrex for my hand arthritis. It doesn't help my left sided chronic pain, but I do feel the difference in my hands. I also don't have much choice in the anti inflammatory department considering I have Ulcerative Colitis. Pain s*cks, huh. A bummer in itself. My ten day period is winding down and my mood has improved dramatically. The anxiety is still haunting me, but I've been so much worse. Savor the good days. I think we'll get more and more of them. I've had the out of options feeling, as well. God, I've literally tried about everything. I laid around all day yesterday . I gave up trying to get relief from doctors. The hormones are more powerful than the drugs. Oh well, better enjoy the few good days, because this could be another short cycle. Thanks everyone.

Crista, Have you ever heard of myofascial physical therapy? Unfortunately, it's only providing a day or two of relief for my left sided pain, but perhaps it could help fibromyalgia. If I was wealthy I'd hire someone to do it every other day. Unfortunately, insurance covers 20 visits a year. Considering traditional physical therapy did nothing but increase the pain I would still recommend the myofascial. But, HMO's don't want to pay for maintenance physical therapy. So, another dilemma. Anyways, I'm glad my horrid depression lifted. Considering at 45 I was chronically depressed, I would say that's progress.

I survived another round, which was not nearly as melancholic as my last cycle.
This 23 days between periods is bull! As my husband and son stated regarding
the worsening mood and anxiety symptoms premenstrually, "it's like clockwork."

Strange when you can tell the period is coming, even when they're erratic.
I wish I was one of those women, who could just bleed physically and not
emotionally.

Then again, It could be worse and other "momilies."

This has rather put a damper on my forties.

Carpe Diem!

Hi Chris,

Well, I am glad it wasn't a horrid stretch for you this time.

It's true for me, and for a bunch of other women who've posted, that our periods got closer together before they began getting farther apart. I had about a year of every-3-weeks periods, and heavy ones - what a pain! I had to carry protection everywhere. I'm now averaging 6 months between.

My prayer for you is that as your cycles spread out, you are going to get some real relief. Boy, do you deserve it.

Love ya,
Jacquie

Thanks Jacquie,
You've been so supportive.

Love,

Chris

Hi Chris-
Hope you are feeling better. I am once again having a period (20 days since the last one). I can only say "oh crap, not again". No wonder we are all sick and tired of this; it is draining!

Feel better, wish I had some answers but I don't. For the person who posted periods get closer together before they get farther apart sometimes, mine were farther apart and now are closer together

According to my calculations, I have about 6 more years of peri to go!!

Chriscarol, I get the same thing, the awful, awful depression just before the period. ANd with Peri you never know when the period is coming ... This past month was the worst. Then I got my period on Friday, and felt better until last night, when I started crying again. Today was bad again, I forced myself to go to the gym and do 45 min of cardio and had to fight tears back the whole time on the treadmill! So I have a few days a month when I feel ok, then back to the pits again. At this point, I want to ask someone to just take the ovaries out! I feel so much better when my estrogen level drops ...

Hillspan,

I know the sensation of trying to go out and do something while you feel like crying the whole time...

This will ease up in time. Just an awful "passage" to get through first!

Hang in,


Jacquie

Is any one else also really affected by the weather? If if is a cloudy day, I can feel the sobs creep into my throat almost immediately when I wake. We bought a "light box" but that seems to make it worse, when you turn it off, then it is really, really dark! I'm wondering if I need more Vitamin D ...

TODAY (FEB.23) HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY. FOR THE LAST TWO NIGHTS I HAVE
FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP. I AM LIKE SOME OF YOU OTHER GIRLS WHEN IT
COMES TO NO SLEEP AND THEN DEPRESSION. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TOMORROW
HAS IN STORE BUT I AM TRYING TO THINK POSITIVE.
MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE A FARM AND I THINK ABOUT ALL THE HARD WORK I
HAVE PUT INTO THIS PLACE WELL, IT MAKES ME NOT TO FEEL SO DOWN. THEN
I LOOK THROUGH MY PICTURE ALBUM OF THE GRANDKIDS AND THAT MAKES ME
SMILE.
LIKE I SAID TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY AND THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS
THAT I HOPE TOMORROW IS TOO. MY DOCTOR (who i don't like) PUT ME ON
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. I DID NOT TAKE THEM, I AM GOING TO TRY AND DO THIS
ON MY OWN.
IF ONLY I WAS SURE THAT TONIGHT I WILL GET SLEEP. WELL I'LL STAY IN TOUCH. PIXIE PIXIE PIXIE

AND TO HILLSPAN YES THE WEATHER REALLY DOES EFFECT ME. I LIVE IN WISCONSIN AND THIS TIME OF THE YEAR CAN BE MISERABLE. THE SNOW AND THE COLD KEEPS YOU INSIDE. SOME TIMES FOR A FEW MINUTES I OPEN THE
DOOR AND AIR OUT THE HOUSE. GOOD LUCK HILLSPAN

Hillspan,

Yes, I am more blue on cloudy days!

I have been using a lightbox for about a month, and do feel that it is helping with that. Did you determine when is the best time of day to use yours? It's different for everyone, based on circadian rythyms. There are websites where you can determine your best time. You can PM (personal message) me if you'd like the web address of the one I used.

Also, on glum days it helps if I get out of the house and go visit someone, or go to a bright place like the mall (tho' it's about the last thing I feel like doing at the time... )


Pixie, I think Maine is about like Wisconsin at this time of year! We are so HOUSEBOUND! We're all getting grumpy - time for spring, already!


Be well, dear Sisters!

Jacquie