I have not been on the boards in a long while but have been reading them the last few days. I am now 55, without a period for 3 years, and started having depressive episodes at age 46. The first time there didn't seem to be a reason, nor the second time. I definitely attribute those times to perimenopause, in retrospect. The third time we had lost 3 close friends in a short span of time, all of them very young. This time it was triggered last February by my husband's diagnosis of prostate cancer. I have not been the same since. I was on Zoloft (as i was the other times) from April thru September. I weaned myself off because I don't like to depend on antidepressants, and my hair thins so much more. He had surgery in April to remove the prostate and they did reach negative margins, even though it was more aggressive than we had thought. Now every thing that happens to him sets me off. I cry all the time and feel like a dark cloud is hovering over me. I have gloomy pessimistic thoughts about being left a widow with no one to care about me (I am childless). He just had a urinary tract infection and that set me off. Last month it was hemorrhoids and I was convinced it was the cancer again. How can I deal with this the rest of my life. Is it still menopause that makes me this way? I cried again all last night. Do the B vitamins really help? He has another psa next week (they will be every 3 months for 2 years), and I am crazy with worry about that too. He is the most wonderful man but his patience is wearing thin as is my frinds and sisters. I try to change my behavior and thoughts but they are always with me. Last night was the worst, I just don't know how to handle this. I called the counselor I was seeing in the spring but she hasn't called me back yet. She wanted to go back to the traumas of my childhood etc etc, don't know if I want to do that. So does menopause and its accompanying depression last this long? I thought that was over! Help.

I've seen your name on the boards as I've worked my way throught the different threads. Anyone would be afraid Snoopy. I'm the same about my husband who had a heart attack at 43. He keeps telling me he has no plans to leave yet! Perhaps you should speak to another wife who is going through a similar thing. I read yesterday that depression often goes in two year cycles (ie lasts 2 years). I think if you are a caring person it's inevitable that you should worry but perhaps should try not to leave yourself too much thinking time. I find that I overthink when ironing (yuk) and when I go to bed. I now have the TV on when ironing, so it distracts me and gentle music when I go to bed (it didn't work last night I'm afraid).

Thanks for replying. Absolutely none of our close friends has had a health scare like my husband has had, so they do emphathize but really can't understand why I don't seem stronger. I guess it is just this depressed personality I have. You are right though about the think time! When I am at work, I am better (I am a high school librarian). Or one weekend, I cleaned house all weekend and that actually gave me a sense of satisfaction (and I do hate to clean house). I know I have to change my behavior and thinking. I want to blame menopause or anything else but myself.

Snoopy, Boy can I relate. My hubby was just diagnosed with esophageal cancer and like you I am having those pessimistic, doom and gloom scenario thoughts. I am usually upbeat but this has thrown me for a loop. I cry when I'm in the car by myself. Its better when Im busy. If you need another shoulder to cry on, we can be there for each other. I am worried now, like you about being left alone with my 2 boys. Im scared of the impending surgery which is very tough I understand. I lost my dad in 1986 during surgery following heart attack-he was 64-so I'm reliving the shock to my system of such horrible news. I feel like someone should pinch me and wake me up from this nightmare. Im here for you too. We'll get each other thru our dark days. My phone is 732-780-2751. Where are u?I can call you...... Keep me posted and hang in we'll get thru it! Betsy

Betsy, what a gem you are! I cannot imagine how young you must be and what you must be dealing with too, having young boys. Often I wish that I had children so that I would have someone to share all this with, but that would be unfair to them. I am sure your boys must have their own concerns. I too cry in the car all the time. My husband's surgery was 6 hours and it was only supposed to be 2-3. Everyone we knew that has had prostate cancer has been able to have radiation and go on their merry way. But not my husband, his was aggressive and had grown outside of the prostate, so surgery was a must. I worry all the time and he knows it. That makes it worse, as then I feel he is keeping things from me. It is a vicious cycle. I was okay during the summer but a wreck again now. I would love to talk with you and I will call you this weekend. Will you be at this number that you listed? This is a wonderful place, this power-surge board, to be able to hook people like ourselves up. The best place to reach me is at work ********** between 8 and 3. I will not be there this Friday, which is why I said I would try to get hold of you on the weekend. Be strong and believe me that is not easy for me to say. Everyone says that to me too. I know that when I am calm, our life is so much better. I did feel better on the Zoloft but I am so stubborn. I will pray for your husband and include him in the prayers for mine. When is the surgery? Soon I hope. We had to wait 3 months and that nearly did me in. It is so much better when the surgery is over and you can begin to heal. I lost my father when I was only 11 years old and just cannot face losing the man in my life again. We have been married 26 years this December 23rd. Good luck to you both. I look forward to speaking with you and as you said, we will get through this somehow. Sincerely, Suzie ******Board Administrator: Do not post personal information such as telephone numbers, addresses, etc. on these boards. This is meant for you security. You can always send it in a private message instead.

Snoopy- I am so sorry to hear about your husband's illness. It would throw me for a loop as well. This is an extremely stressful time so I don't think it unusual for you to be upset. I myself have no childern and I find that this gives me too much think time when I am alone. You may want to try a new counseler who practices Cognative Behavioral Therapy. This helps you to challange your negative thinking. Others not going something similar just don't get it and try to tell you to get over it. I think they are being unrealistic. Perhaps you should joing a therapy group where you can talk to others in your situation. I am sure if you contacted the American Cancer Society, they can put you in touch with a support group. I think that would be extremely helpful for you. I hope everything goes well for both you and your husband. Sandy

Thank you Sandy I am seeing my counselor in the morning and will mention the challenge to negative thinking. When I saw her in the spring, she mentioned some kind of therapy that confronted the past and would help with the present, but I can't remember the name of it. If I can get through the psa test next week with good results (this will be the third test in 8 months since the surgery) and the the gastroenterologist appointment with him, I hope to have some of the clouds lifted. But I just can't continue to live in this state of apprehension and gloom. So I must do something about it. Thank you again for your kind thoughts. Suzie

It's hard to be brave when you feel you are crumbling inside but you need to be positive for your husband. As Sandy said (she put it much more clearly in her post than I did) I'd look for a support group. Much better to talk to people who have experienced what you are going through.

Snoopy, My god gal, I can't believe how much we have in common-our 26th wedding anniversary will be this coming March 25th!!! How wierd is that-you and I were married around the same time and going thru similar stuff! Yes, either way, I will try calling you over the weekend Suzie-again my phone # is ********* I am working from 9-3 tomorrow but will be home after that. I am writing this from work to you-here at work today till 6. I totally can relate about what you are saying about surgery hanging over our heads. Thank god your husband has gone thru already it seems and I will pray for his well being and health as well. I am in NJ Suzie-where are u? I'll call you-thanks for your phone-we will support each other and keep each other posted on our spouses recovery. Love And Hugs Betsy ******Board Administrator: Do not post personal information such as telephone numbers and addresses on the message boards. This is for your security. You can send it in a private message - PM - instead.

Snoopy and Candies........I am so sorry to hear about your husbands and I will keep them as well as you in my prayers. Like the two of you, my husband who is 56 was diagnosed a year ago October with melanoma. We went through the surgery and the surgeon did what they call centinel nodes disection which means they injected him with radioactive material into the site where the melona was located (his left upper arm) and then they watch it travel on a screen. It will light up the nodes that the tumor drains to and then the technician marked under his arm where the "hot spots" were so that during the surgery they could remove all the lymph nodes that the tumor drained to. He was in surgery for about three hours and the next month waiting for the lymph node results was nerve wracking. We went back to the surgeon the following week and the first stage of the test were negative so that was a good sign. Then the second stage was 2 weeks later and again no sign of lymph node involvement. Then at one month we went back and the final test confirmed that there was no lymph node involvement which dramically improves the prognosis. He has to see the oncologist/surgeon every three months for two years and then every six months for life. Melanoma is a very fast growning cancer and it does not respond well to chemo or radiation. The final verdict was that they believe they got all the cancer, there was no lymph node involvement and he has a 97% chance of a 5 year survival. When the doctor said that I was excited because the odds were great but there is always that little lingering fear of the what if he is in that 3% range. It was so frightening because I can't imagine life without him. So I try so hard not to go there but sometimes when I'm overtired or it is late at night and I just look at him sleeping, I fill up with such emotion and fear of losing him. I hug him alot and I never put off telling him that I love him and how important he is to me. In some odd way the cancer has blessed us because it allows us to respond to each other in ways that we may not have in the past because we always assume that there is tomorrow. The friends that you make here at this website as well as the friends that you have had will give you lots of support during this time of your lives. I hope you both know that you can count on those of us at this website to be there for you.