I also have to report that I think this high-energy job is just what God had intended for me - and perhaps that is the reason my kidney recovery took so long. There was another plan in place for me. It seems that alot of things have fallen nicely into place. Even on bad days, I still drive to and from work thanking God very loudly for this opportunity. It has kept me so busy that alot of my symptoms aren't as bad as they were. Tina :D

I didn't mean to post a new topic. I was just responding to another post. Good Grief !!! :o Tina

That's wonderful, Tina. Anxiety is not such a curse when it can be channeled. I just hate when it gets so intense you can't focuse for squat. I'm feeling better, but I'm in the good phase of my crazy cycle.

Chris, Maybe your good phase will last longer. I hope it does. You remind me so much of my sister and that I like !!! As you can see, I've been creating new topics when I've meant to reply. I was perplexed thinking perhaps we now had to create new topics to reply but I was hitting the create new message button instead !! I think I need to rest this weary brain. Channeling my energy is usually easy and I become obsessed with every job that is worthwhile to me. I just have to watch myself and not burn out which is a huge risk with us that have high energy levels. I burn out very easily but never get hostile; I guess that's a plus :D !! Focusing is very hard for me when there is alot of noise and it is noisy in my small department. I cannot stand background noise, loud noises, or people talking loudly - very sensitive ears. We play soothing music, my favorites being light piano or classical and it helps somewhat. Thankfully I am in a department where ALL of us have complained about the noise levels. Tina

Actually, the good phases are lasting longer. Almost like I hit a peak with the meltdown 3years ago, and I'm heading back towards when I felt relief day 3 of the cycle. In very early peri, noise would drive me straight up a wall. That's anxiety!! I still don't like unnerving noise, so won't hesitate to use my earplugs. Hey, Xanax, without side effects.LOL Your right about depression and getting out of the house. Now, I have to figure out what to do when I grow up. I dread winter coming, as that sunlight helps my mood. I have a history of becoming obsessed with projects. Since this stupid back problem, I don't want to kick off the pain, by stooping over a craft project or extensive gardening. I burned my dang back, hands and fingers out. Moderation, what's that again.lol My decision making processes leave lots to be desired. FEAR OF FAILURE, perhaps. I admire you, Tina. You've had many struggles with your health and hormones, but have proven how resiliant the human spirit is!!!! Get some rest, hon.

Hey Chris, I bought earplugs and intend to use them in one ear at work while trying to listen to the admission reports from the nurses each morning. There is so much noise (people talking loudly) that it distracts me to where I feel confused. Nah !! I never want to grow up, do you? My body is aging but inside I feel vibrant and young. I don't want to change that "little person" inside me cause I really like her. Chris, I can barely rest. My mind keeps going like the energizer bunny. I, like you obsess and it's this new job and trying so hard to help new employees AND get my own work done. I get in to work very early and don't leave on time. I'm determined to help get this department running smoothly but am paying the price (as usual). I know you understand exactly what I mean. So glad your good phases are lasting longer. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these good phases continue and relief will come soon for you. Since the depo shot wore off end of June, I am getting pre-menstral anger/ugliness for 1 day a month but without the period. My "ugly" day would be my indicator that my period would be coming in 2 days or less. What I am glad about is I no longer have to make the big decisions and am happy to be a worker-bee again. You can throw away that fear of failure "thing" right now. I just can't see you having a fear of anything at all. It doesn't seem to be a part of your MO. Chris, you've had many struggles too and look how you have helped us here on this site. You may not know it but it is YOU that is admired by so many of us on this board. You have the guts to put issues out there for us to gain knowledge from. I love your posts. And I thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement. I am fighting every single day with back pain that I escalate into somehow being another kidney problem that then escalates into panic. What a viscious circle with being a cronic worrier. Big SIGH !! HUGS !!!! Tina

Chris and Tina Chris, I would like to agree with Tina (Mattia) that you are admired by many and that includes myself. I find encouragement and delight reading your posts. I enjoyed the word you used on another board "angst." I had to look it up, but that helped me learn. Tina, I am here with you in Florida and it is nice to know you understand what we are going through with these hurricanes. Since you started a new topic I couldn't read what you wrote previously about what job you got. lol. I'm glad you are normal. Anyway, congradulations on your new job. I had to quit my job about 5 months ago and I do not know what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Yvonne

Yvonne, I have thought of you so much since we chatted briefly before the chat last week. I was praying you and your family were safe. Your area was pounded for almost an eternity. Are you OK? I hope you didn't sustain too much damage. Looks like Ivan is going straight up to the panhandle and won't cross over us again this time. I live about 1 1/2 hours from the Space Coast and have been chomping at the bit to get over there to see the shuttles. When they launch, I can see them from my front porch as a huge ball of fire - how amazing. I work with Hospice in the Admissions department and it's great. Long hours with the new merger (until we're up and running smoothly) but I think of it as good work for the soul. I am where I want to be right now. Take care and be safe !! I'll write you and let you know how we do with Ivan after he's left the areal Tina

Oh Tina and Yvonne, I'm so glad to be of help. I was feeling like at utter failure this morning and your posts lifted my spirits some. Sometimes I feel, so misunderstood. And, the back pain s*cks Tina. I've been going through an intense bout of it. Ugh, back to physical therapy. It's likely not your kidneys, but I since I've thought gas could be a heart attack, until I belched, I can relate to the chronic worry. Sometimes I think I should have been more of a BS artist, perhaps they're happier. And you poor ladies!!! At least I don't have to worry about a major wind tunnel whipping through my home. Well, that's if you aren't counting my adult son, Hurricane Brendan. And, what am I going to do with the rest of my life is a question, which haunts me continuously. Then the downward spiral. Oh, heck, I'll just seize the day, between crying jags.

Chris, not sure which thread you started posting on this morning, but if you look at how they are arranged in mood and what you are saying....the day got better?! I hope that this is the case. As most of us know, even if no one is on here, it is therapuetic just typing away. So, if you feel like crying, carry the kleenex box with you. If anger is present throw the used kleenex at someone (less chance of long term wounds)Not to mention you can always deny the anger episode as they have no wounds to prove otherwise:P.

Tina, Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. That is wonderful that you love your job with Hospice so much; that does sound like a rewarding medical field. My last job was in a pediatric's office; I did medical transcription and insurance referrals. It's another story why I quit. I feel I am getting better since the hurricanes; the antidepressants are working too. We still have our windows boarded up just in case Ivan decides to turn. It's like a cave in here. We have a lot of work ahead of us with all the damage from Charley and Frances. Yes, the shuttles are exciting to watch. I have taken them for granted since I have seen so many. The only problem with coming to see them is, so often they are scrubbed for another launch time. I see many travelers lined up along US-1 waiting to see the shuttle blast off. Many come in their campers. My husband works out at the space center, so he has a front seat view. There hasn't been a shuttle since the last horrible accident. It was schuduled to take off again around February, but the VAB building, which holds the shuttle, was damaged during the hurricanes, so it will probably be re-scheduled. Aren't you glad Ivan is staying west. Yvonne

Yvonne, I am very happy to hear you are feeling better, thank God for that. Get as much rest as you can now that we can probably take a breather with Ivan going west. I know you have alot of work to do on the house and it needs to be done quickly but don't forget to take care of yourself too. I do hope to get over there for the next launch and will probably take 3-4 days off from work in case they do postpone for weather purposes. It is one of my goals to see a launch in person. I am feeling better and relieved about Ivan not coming directly at us again. In fact I took 2 long naps today after a good night's sleep last night. I must have really needed to rest with worrying about the hurricane(s) plus working long hours for the last several weeks. Chris: I can relate to what you mean about what to do with the rest of your life. After my melt-down early 2001, I was lost and questioned everything I had chosen to do in my life (except having my 2 boys). I became a Hospice volunteer and they only asked for 2-4 hours per week. You can choose various types of volunterring such as working in the office, visiting patients, helping with fund raisers, etc. Volunteering was the highlight of my week plus it makes you feel so good about yourself. It really was a huge help in getting me focused and on-track after 3 long years of being in limbo. Would something like that interest you? Most non-profit Hospice's depend heavily on volunteers. Good nite & hope everyone has a great week !! Tina