Do your family support you? I don't feel that anyone is interested. It's just a case of what I can do for them. I'm not using this 'can't go out thing' as an excuse. I want my life back! I read up as much as I can on the internet (your site is brilliant). I'm taking a herbal menopause supplement, multivitamin, extra magnesium,zinc and B vitamins and valerian or passiflora for anxiety and some agoraphobia. I'm 49 and my periods have been irregular for 4 yrs, prior to that were very heavy (needed xtra iron). Both parents are gone and have one sister who had a hysterectomy and is now on HRT. Husband thinks I should just take HRT (and I will magically be well again) and says that I should just try harder, going out etc. Live in the UK and have poor support from doctors. Anyone else feel so unloved and unsupported?

Alice, I'm so sorry you're having this rough time. There have been times in my life where I have felt unsupported, so I understand. You don't mention how old your daughter is; sometimes it's just a matter of their growing up and getting some hits from the "real world," before they realize how much mama has done for them! I've recently had a bout with depression, and have been so moved by my family's rallying around me, especially my own mom, who's generally been kind of "hands off" all my life - it's been a lovely surprise, honestly. I guess seeing me unable to get out of bed has been scary for them (me too!). I DON'T recommend this as a way to get support, however! But I do feel for you... Come to power-surge, and we'll listen! Jacquie

alice3, Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. There's lots of good information on this site - check out the links. And lots of very good, supportive women who care, truly care. So please take care of your self and be gentle. All the best, nj

Don't you wonder sometime your friends and family just don't know what to say? On the outside you look fine but we all know how we feel on the inside. I tell you sometime whinning is the only thing that helps me and my husband knows it. For the most part I just come here, NO ONE understands this hell unless you are experiencing it!

family support ?at the most minimal, and i agree that people see the outside that looks well,but have no idae what kind of inner hell is going on inside your body,theyll listen for awhile but not whole heartedly, alot of women say they dont remember what it was like((i wonder how one could possibly forget this time when they are done or through it)its a long rough ride and i dont think ill ever forget it,i am second oldest in line of age sisters cousins nieces and sistersin law to come in to this time of life and i for one plan to listen , help and give advice, and i hope and pray i am one among many who will , and if i seem to somehoe forget these pages and this site and my posts with many others are here to help....thanks in all to dearest,for starting the whole process... you have my undying gradatude.

Yes thankyou Dearest! I must admit I read a lot of forums but don't join in. Having to login makes you post. Tho occasionally I have wondered if my posts have stopped the thread. The other night I went to a party and felt I had to leave early. My sister was telling me and husb how she often used to feel unloved and that she often felt that she could have run her car into the sides of a bridge etc but she went on HRT. If I remember correctly tho she didn't stay on it long. My friend said she felt that everything was her husband's fault but she went on HRT and got breast cancer. Perhaps families prefer to keep us an arms length because they get the brunt of our evil tongues. What makes us want to push it and push it and cause disagreements. Is it nature's way of sending males off to get a younger mate while we go past our sell-by date? Just a thought...

The "you should just try harder" comment breaks my heart!! ((alice3)) I am divorced so no hubby to contend with, or offer support. I share with my 22 yr old daughter, but as with most of us, if it's not happening to us our interest waivers. I haven't shared at all with my 20 year old sons, and that's a real disservice I'm sure. They will one day have to contend with this with their wives. I'll have to work on that. We can only be the best we are. Sometimes that's pretty great, and sometime's we struggle- but this is who we are NOW. I think people keep an arms length when they don't understand something, or worse, fear it. My mother has passed, and so have all the strong women of my childhood. So now what?? Curl up and die?? Throw myself nightly pity parties (which I have done on occasion:D) Instead, I have surrounded myself with wonderful girlfriends, here at PS, and in my personal life. We complain and moan a lot together, we also have had a lot laughs ("What do you mean putting vitamin E in your vagina HELPS??" LOL) We can only be our best day by day, and sometimes minute by minute. BUT FEAR NOT.... even though it might at times feel like we've lost who we are, I have to believe that we are still in here somewhere, we're just taking the LONG way right now. If any of you feel unsupported by your families, try not to let it hurt you. Know that they just simply DON'T GET IT, then brush yourselves off, and COME HERE!! I think all you women are amazing.

What an awesome, upbeat way to put it, Leanne. Thanks for the boost!!

Leanne, Your next pity party send me a invite. Not for sure where I would be right now without you guys. I know my anxiety level is way down. I pretty much figure I was dying these last few years!~C

Just wondering - I find I am unable to stuff my anger anymore - I realize what it's about, mostly unresolved emotional and physical stuff - does telling the truth really set you free when the person you'd like to talk with runs away or says it's all your problem every time you try to make contact? It's been a bad couple of days and I've really hesitated to post here as no one likes a whiner. My favorite trees/refuge/sanctuary/place of prayer and regeneration are being clear cut and turned into a parking lot. Yuck. My family gathered this week for my cousin's wedding - I couldn't go due to finances and having to work, and then heard my father was bending over backwards, again, for my brothers - I realized it's been over 5 years since we've been together as family. 5 hellish years of peri and financial struggle just to survive... They just don't get it. Things are getting better for me physically, feel like maybe...just maybe I've finally turned the corner, but I'm haunted by this emotional stuff and all the anger. Used to be able to stuff it and now realize that's what years of intense headaches were about. Now I get hot flashes instead, and if I let it go on long enough without venting, I end up crying myself to sleep in grief and rage. Like chiscarol said, "I'm mad enough to spit bullets." I think my brain tracks differently now due to the hormone shift - any thoughts or ideas about this - first-hand experiences? Sorry, I'm just plain mad and wonder how I can get this resolved and be able to move on. I grew up in a home with alot of verbal, emotional, and physical violence, especially during puberty and am now realizing this has had an intense impact. I could forget for years, until peri hit, and now it's all back, and my family pretends like nothing ever happened, don't want to talk about it, and I'm the crazy one - no support, just go find a doctor with a 'magic pill' and everything will be ok. I realized this week that I've done quite a bit to protect them/my family from the firestorms of peri that I've experienced, but that doesn't seem the help the relationship. They just run... Yuck. Sorry - like I said it's been a bad day, well couple of days. Thanks for listening... nj

Dear NJ Sorry you are having such a rough time. I know how you feel , my childhood was less than perfect also. Not physical abuse,but lots of verbal and emotional. I think when peri hits, all those years of keeping those feeling locked up, peri pushes them all back to the surface to make you confront them. I think at this time we really do have to go back and right our wrongs for ourselves. Meaning we have to realize that our parents and families are human and have made mistakes. But probably have made the mistakes from there own upbringing. They were probably abused as kids and they pushed their hurts on to us by abusing us. No, it's not right. But you and I get to right those wrongs is by making the next generation better. This is why it happened to us, I like to think that God knew we had the guts to do the right thing. He knew we could make the change. Our generation knows better,we get to change this and put an end to the abuse by how we treat the children in our life (I dont have kids, but we have many little ones in our family that I get to see often). And we do it by love instead of abuse. We do it by praise and instilling self confidence, instead of tearing them down. We do it by cheering them on in whatever endeaver they take on. We do it by teaching them to love all things. We do it by teaching them to respect all life, not only human, but all life. We do it by hugging our kids and kissing them and telling them how much we love them. And telling them how much they matter to us and how lucky this world is that they are here.We do it by teaching them that people are people, skin color, religion, rich, poor. That does not matter. We are all the same. We all want the same things out of life. This is how we get back at our abusers, by being everything they could not be. By changing the next generation so that maybe your child, grandchild and great-grandchild will never have to endure what we have. I hope one day your family will acknowledge the abuse. Most likely though, they will never acknowledge it ,because they dont see it as wrong. They see it as how life is. They still dont get it! You cant make them see things the way you do. You have to make it right for you, by yourself. You know that old saying,you cant change them, you can only change you. You know what happened, if they acknowledge it or not, either way ,it wont take away the pain. So you have to take away your own pain by doing what is right for you. You are in charge of your own life now, you dont need their permission to feel the way you do. If they have a problem with your feeling, TOUGH! Their problem, not yours. If they want to talk to you, fine. If they are abusive to you in any way, get up and walk away. Let them come up to your level, dont go down to theirs. If you need to talk about it and your family wont listen. Go see a councler. They will probably be more help to you than your family can ever be. They will get you on the road to finding the peace you deserve. I dont know if I have helped you any but this is how I see things. I was where you are now. Questioning why those things happened to me, what did I do wrong. Was I such a rotten kid,etc. etc. And this is how I get thru those feeling. This is the only answer that makes sense to me. With any hurt we have the power to make it better. By doing better and teaching more. 9/11 taught me that. When those building fell and all those poor innocent people died. I thought, what good possibly could come out of that? But good did. People of all skin colors, religions, and economic backgrounds got together to help. Before 9/11, I knew people who still had issues with race and religion. After 9/11 it no longer mattered to most people. We learned that we are all the same. We all need each other. The terrorist were the abusers. But all that came out of their abuse was love. They taught our kids the one thing they never wanted them to know, LOVE. I probably said more than I should have, but this is the only way I get thru the bad stuff. Hope you find some answers! Peace AA

AA, You're very kind to write back all you did. You're so right. What you wrote is sooo helpful. I copied your post into an email so I can read it again and again. My great aunt told me years ago that it is the fourth generation that breaks the cycle. I am the fourth generation. When I was 14 I decided not to have children. I have endeavored for many years to pass on the love to those I meet, to be kind and gentle, especially to children. I think I turned the corner this spring becuase I could finally begin to see the illusion in all the family dysfunction and be free to find my own pursuits. I will continue to grow in this. I think I remember reading somewhere - possibly "Vein of Gold" that when one gets close to realizing their dream or goal, all the dragons come out. Self-doubt, guilt, and fear are some of my family's dragons. Like you, when those towers went down, I felt like everyone went down and all that could be done was to show love. Even before then.... Children have always been special, young and old... - I walked the world to meet them and will continue to do so. I hope, with simplicity, I can see the humanity in everything and be humble about it. Love is truly the best medicine. Thanks for your post, and I hope you have a good day. nj

Both above posts are spot on. Last night I watched About Schmidt with Jack Nicholson. My husband just could not understand what it was about. That's half the problem, we ladies are deep thinkers while many men just think 'Get on with it'. I have problems with going out, not all the time, just on anxious days, when I wake up feeling coiled and ready to spring. Often I cope with it with anger and woe betide who gets it! Today was a family meeting day (his) but I didn't want to go as I knew what would be said...'Why don't you go to the doctor, he'll give you some pills...you only need to... why don't you try hrt?... and on it goes. If I manage to go out on my anx days I just don't want to hear it. I'm coping with each day at a time without having to depend on pills. I'm trying to do it the natural way, the way that suits ME. IT makes me feel like I'm being interrogated. My friend who has suffered in the past says "On the day you feel like visiting, give me a ring, just stay as long as you feel you want to". My kind of pal:)

HI Alice3 I know what you mean about those anxious days. I, like you, have gone the natural route. When all this first started I went to my doc and right away her answer was prozac. I told her I'd get thru it on my own. I still have some anxious days, but most days are better now. I'm glad you have a good friend who understands what you are going thru. That really means alot at this goofy time of our lives. Peace AA

Hey nj, I'm so sorry you don't have family support, because you are a sensitive and gentle soul, and you deserve it! My daughter's best friend spent a month in a psychiatric hospital here in Maine - her family, which lived no more than an hour away, didn't go ONCE to visit her. It broke her heart. Since then she's made close friends with an older woman, who is sort of a mentor for her, and spends time with her other girlfriends. Love abounds, sometimes in places we don't expect it. Come to power-surge, nj. We love you! And you have my email, meno-sister - I'm always happy to hear from you! Perhaps the "gift" in this is that you have developed wisdom, and can pass love to others. It is beautiful that you offer this to children - they need earthly guardian angels! Take heart, Jacquie