This is somewhat of a taboo subject and I don't see it anywhere else on this board, but I'm so upset and I don't know where to go. I was just diagnosed (after 20 years of marriage and a difficult menopause transition) with genital herpes. TMI here, but my husband had a cold sore during oral sex and since he has a mustache neither of us realized it. Maybe because of thinning membranes or just bad luck, I've now had five outbreaks in four months and after much denial on my part, got tested. My doctor thinks it's just a "nuisance" -- but I can't drive or sit without pain even with medication, ( my doctor will only give me three days worth at a time) and I'm so angry at my husband, and I feel betrayed and ashamed and embarrassed. Hey, Hey, the horny menopausal dame with herpes. Every form I fill out from now on I'll have to check the "yes" box when asked if I have a sexually transmitted disease. I can't get over the anger and I just sob at night because after several God-awful years in menopause I thought I was going to make it and now . . . this. It's damaged my marriage, it's damaged my self image and esteem, I want to run and hide and scream and give up. Anyone out there -- help give me hope. Kimber

kimberccc: My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how this must make you feel after all these years. Lots of hugs to you today. Please don't give up - fight it and don't let it take over you. This has happened to someone very dear to me. She dated this guy who knew he had herpes and didn't tell her. She found out she had it after they were married then she confronted him and he put on the "stupid" act. He is an ass and I have no respect for him whatsoever. She is taking medication (I think on a daily basis) that works with the outbreaks. I will find out the name of it and let you know. Have you started any medication yet? There is always hope - try not to let this get you down too badly. Take care, HUGS, Tina

did you say you got herpes because your hubby had a coldsore and you didn't know it??Is that possible?I didn't know you could get herpes that way.

Tina and Jadebear, Thanks for responding. I've felt so alone and I can't tell you how much comfort someone listening to me brings. Yes, I'm taking Valtrex, but my doctor will only give it for "episodic" use, three days at a time. You're supposed to take it when you first feel "signs" of problems -- the problem with that is my first "sign" is a painful blister that lasts for at least 5 days. I'm going back next week to try to convince her to give it to me on a daily basis. How I hate these Gods with prescription pads! My husband and I have been madly in love for 21 (Friday was our anniversary) years and he feels awful, but it's not him that can't wear pants, not to mention jeans, for 2 weeks, can't exercise without pain, can't sit without pain; in addition, any concerns about sex are sort of laughed at because, yes, I'm a post-menopausal women. I've been on some of the herpes boards, and been told how "lucky" I am this didn't happen when I was younger, I suppose because it would have really mattered then. It's not important to anyone because I'm an invisible older woman. And yes, in my reading, I've found that many new cases of genital herpes are from oral sex when one of the partners has a cold sore. It's primarily HSV1, but can (as in my case) be the more intense HSV2. My husband has a full beard and mustache and, while he usually had warning signs of a herpes sore such as itching and tingling, in this case he didn't. Enough grousing, I guess, but I can't help but wonder . . . how will I ever be happy again? I'm crying again as I write this. Thanks for listening. Kimber

Thanks aw and all of you. It's pretty amazing you all take the time to make me feel better. I keep reading I will have fewer outbreaks but it could take several years. I guess that's something. My husband says he's going with me to the doctor to be sure all our concerns and questions are answered and to emphasize to her how bad things have been for me. I'll let you know what's decided. Thanks again for all your warm support. Kimber

Kimberccc I know exactly what you are going through - I was diagnosed with herpes at the age of 52 also going through meno. I was devastated, and sooo embarressed !Like I didn't have enough problems with all of the meno symptoms ! I still don't really know how I got it. I've been with my husband for 15 years and he has never had an active cold sore although they say people can shed the virus even if there isn't an active sore. I'm suprised that your's is the simplex 2 , since most cold sores are simplex 1 which is what mine is. Fortunately I have never had another outbreak in the 4 years since I first got it. I was going through a very stressful time when I got it and I believe that stress can bring on more outbreaks. They say that you can have the virus in your body for 20 years or more and some little thing will trigger it off. When I was first reseaching about this I found that lemon balm is supposed to help and also lysine. In the first couple of years after I had it , when ever I felt any "tingling" sensations I would make a solution of lemon balm tincture and a little water and just dab it on my genitals with a cotton pad. I never tried taking the lysine but the doctor said it might help. I have seen ad's on TV for some priscription that is supposed to keep the virus at bay - don't know if that is what you are taking. Anyway , I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only person to get herpes at this age. I'm sure there are many more out there just like us. I think that menopause brings out all of the things that have been lurking in our systems for years ! At the very beginning of meno I also came down with shingles which is another variation of the herpes virus, so I believe that meno just stresses our immune systems and we're susceptible to all sorts of things. Please hang in there and possibly consider doing some stress reducing - I think it will help to slow down the outbreaks. I know just the thought of this happening to you is enough to cause tremendous stress because that's what it did to me !

Thanks to you all: I saw the doctor today who agreed to give me a megadose of Valtrex for 10 days and then a lower daily dose for 6 months. She said she thinks my anger and depression would be helped by being symptom-free. Good grief, of course it would! Why didn't she do this at the outset? She also told me there are many "older" (i.e., older than 20's) couples and singles with herpes. If any of you are out there, please know I'm thinking of you if you're going through this and menopause at the same time. It's a double-whammy to your confidence, your emotions, and your sexuality. I'll keep struggling through and hope I can not let this define me, but it's hard -- I just had to re-define myself through menopause and the contruct is still shaky. Thanks to all of you who broke through the prejudice and offered me such comfort. I know there are people still out there who think herpes is a "dirty" disease and y'all were incredibly generous, kind and loving. Kimber

Hi Kimber - I know this is small consolation, but I am SO glad you had the nerve to post this. I 'acquired' mine the same way. Oral sex with a cold sore. And the SOB wasn't even worth it! I've been dealing with it for about 20 years and have never told anyone about it. It doesn't show up in pap tests, so I'm not sure if that means anything. I used Zovirex (oral and cream) for a while (I'd also get face-eating breakouts on my chin and lower lip). But have found that as soon as I feel one coming on, I slather on the Camphophenique and it works just as well. Does take the genital ones longer to heal and they are REALLY painful, but I try to be careful how I treat that area. Take care and take it easy.

Hi, Liz: Thanks for taking the trouble to write. I'm learning to deal with this, but I'm afraid the stigmas still exist . . . even here. I haven't told anyone other than a really helpful forum I found at www.racoon.com (**Don't know if I'm allowed to post that or not, so it might get taken out**). I've switched anti-viral meds to Famvir, as it seems some people are resistant to Valtrex (the drug that's in all the ads). Outbreaks now are about every 2 months -- stlll shattering and make me feel like I want to crawl in a hole. Even though I now know 25% of the U.S. population has herpes 2 and almost 80% have herpes 1 (many of them without noticeable symptoms) I still feel ... umm... I don't know ... dirty. I know better, but it's hard to kick a lifetime of stereotypes. BTW, topically you can try Dermaplast for the pain and lemon balm to help dry the sores. Any other ladies out there with HSV needing encouragement -- remember, you're not the disease, you're still you. Fight back and vent here if you need to. We're all in this together. kimber

Hi Kimber: Well your story touched a cord with me. I found out that I also had herpes about 2 weeks before my son was born, yep, we had gone through all the child birthing classes and the excitment was cut short. Once you get a flare up, you cannot give birth, you must have a c-section. Otherwise you can damage the baby with the virus. Anyway, it also came with oral sex. I felt bad and dirty and cryed for days about it. Its something you will always have, but the flare ups can ease and get distant. Mine (after 24yrs) come about 3x a year. The worse come when I am worn down and stressed. It can be really uncomfortable and hurts like hell. I have come to terms with it, my husband has learned to understand it as well. We do what needs to be done to live with it. I don't really center on it anymore. I'm so sorry that you had to have this happen, stay strong!!! With me, if I use a pad around my periods, or anything that rubs the wrong way, it will send me into a breakout?? I don't know if any of you have had that happen??? Take care Kimber!!! Love, Juliann

I too have this disease still doesn't but have never given it to anyone. I guess I even had it before I was married, ex husband now had NO outbreaks and to my knowledge still doesn't. My bf of 13 years has never had an outbreak of any kind either. I asked the doctor because I was wondering if I really did have it. IF it is so catchy, why didn't one of three long term relationship men never have an outbreak? Anyway, I know how you feel dirty but there are a lot of people especially men that have it that they never tell anyone.A lot more people have it than you realize.My problem is that after I get an outbreak, I have that sciatic nerve pain for a long while after, down my leg and into my foot. I only get them maybe 2-3 times a year but the aftermath is worse than the outbreak. There was some message about the doc only giving someone 3 days worth of pills, that is ridiculous. I got a whole bottle upstairs wiht 2 refills.my doc doesn't want to see me wehn I have an outbreak and it isn't like I don't know what it is.I used to take Zovirax as suppression therapy for a few months but now I really don't have to do that anymore since the outbreaks are few and far between. Good luck everyone, I know these messages area little old but just to let you know I am in the same boat. But, anybody get that bad sciatic pain down your back of your leg and all the way to your foot?

What does my first sentence say??? I don;t know why I put doesn't in there excuse me please!!!I guess I should preview my messages from now on!!!HA Ha!

Hi Linda - I get the leg pain, too. That's generally my first indication that something's coming, then it lasts for a week or so after it's healed. Ouch, ouch, and ouch.

I am glad that it just not my imagination. It is just NOW going away probably because I stand a lot at work.Thanks for telling me that. Like I said, no one really talks about it and I have no one to talk to except for my doc. Take care. 8)

Hi, Linda and Liz, I'm finding the lingering pain has a name: post herpetic neuralgia. It's like the nerves get frazzled and need to heal after the visible signs of an outbreak are gone. The drug company that makes Famvir did a study on shingles, another type of herpes virus, and found that Famvir helped stop post herpetic pain; the interesting thing is that it only worked in what they called "older"(age 50 and up) people. The pain after my outbreaks lasted for at least two weeks but the Famvir really seems to help. Unfortunately, at least on my insurance, it's more expensive than Valtrex or any of the generic anti-virals, but boy oh boy, is it worth it. I still hate this, but it's worse when you hurt all the time. Hope you're feeling better soon. Kimber

Hi Kimber-thanks for the tip!! I am going to ask my doctor for that prescription.I have never heard of that before, post herpetic neuralgia.Sounds about right though. It lingers down my leg and into my foot and does last about 2 weeks.My outbreaks used to be a lot worse about 18 years ago or more I used to got them frequently when I was married, never knowing that it what I had.My hubby at the time never got a thing and like I said to this day he has nothing. That really is a mystery to me, if it is supposed to be so contagious. I had unprotected sex all the time back then when I was married, so how did he not get it????I asked the doc that after all these years and he just shrugged and didn't have an answer for me.He was lucky I guess!

Okay, I'm reviving this old topic. Dang! Waiting for test results, but my doc and I are 99.9% sure it's herpes. Hard to sit down to type.

Weirdly, I ought to be totally bummed. I mean, it's an incurable contagious disease and I can't imagine making love or bicycling ever again. But I'm actually doing okay mood-wise and I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. During a period when one tiny thing goes wrong and it ruins me for the entire day, this has me seeing silver linings in things. (like for example, when it hurt too much to sit down for a couple of hours at work today, I cleaned up my office).

Although I can't blame this DIRECTLY on peri, it definitely was the bizarre hormonal surges that propelled me into the danger zone before waiting the obligatory six months with mutual blood tests. So maybe I CAN blame this on peri, right?

Painfully yours,

Otter

Aw, Otter, sorry to hear this...

(((HUGS)))

JJ

Thanks, Jacquie - I'm trying not to feel like a leper so hugs are most welcome.

Otter

((((((((((Otter)))))))))))) aka Madame President

So sorry this has happened, but deepest respect for your ALWAYS inspiring attitude to lifes ups and downs (especially the downs actually). My friend has herpes - interestingly she too was compelled hormonally, but at the other end of the see-saw - adolesence. Shes had it 36 years - married, 3 children and she says its just something that you have to learn to "manage", says it doesnt affect her life except during a flare up. Which she manages with tablets and cream and abstinence...... its our idea of things that scare us not always the reality ........ You will get back on that bike Otter (in more ways than one ) .........

Always your humble servant
Julie x

Otter, I was diagnosed with genital herpes when I was 22--almost 30 years ago. I had one recurrance a month or so later, then nothing for 17 years. Had two children with no problem. Then when I met my second husband, I had 2 outbreaks, not at all bad as far as symptoms went. Since 1996, no outbreaks at all.

I have always taken supplements and watched how I eat and I think that has helped with my herpes. Also, I avoid anal intercourse, as that is what seems to have "inspired" the outbreak in 1996. (Sorry to get graphic, but that is something you might want to know if you're thinking of doing that )

I think with good health habits and good vitamin/mineral supplements, you can manage this. And there are so many drugs that help with outbreaks these days--there wasn't anything that I knew of back in 1977 and I thought I was doomed for life.

You'll do fine, I'm sure. Hang in there!

Shel

don't you have Zovirax over there? or Acyclovir? you take 2-3 tablets per day and it totally suppresses the herpes virus, in just about all cases.. it's not a cure. but it's almost as good as one..




yes, i'm quoting myself.. i must apologise, i re-read and see Zovirax mentioned in one post.. and i thought maybe the brand name is different between countries too..

that was weird..

Otter,

You have absolutely no reason to feel like a leper so I'm glad you don't. I have two relatives who have genital herpes both seem to have contracted from the men they married who probably had contracted it many years before. One didn't even know he had it himself, whereas, the other one just didn't bother to tell her. I think people should be honest but this is not a life ending or really even a major life altering disease. Yes...you might have discomfort (I get cold sores so I know how uncomfortable it probably is in the genital area) and you might have to take meds, but you can control it and live a normal life.

I also have a relative who's hubby has recently found out they contracted hepatitis C from a blood transfusion twenty years ago. While it can be transmitted sexually it very rarely is and is not considered an std. She has been with her hubby for about four years with neither of them knowing he had this and she tested negative. While they will need to be careful when he is bleeding (don't share razors or toothbrushes) the doctor stated no other real precautions were necessary....sex and life as usual. No need for her even to test again unless she just wants it for piece of mind.

I guess the point I'm trying to make it that life throws us some curveballs sometimes but if they can be dealt with it's still all good. All of the people who I just mentioned are moral decent people and these diseases can effect anyone from any walk of life. I think society tends to place stigma's on people with herpes or hepatitis and in reality that's not true at all.

You will get this under control and all will be fine.

TeeJay

Awwwww, you guys. Made me sniffle at work reading those nice supportive messages. And just in time, too, since I got the doc's confirmation today.

At least today I can sit down and only fidget a little bit. Wondering how I can hike or paddle tomorrow wearing a skirt, though.

Yep, I'm already on Valtrex and have another prescription for the next outbreak. It's just a total bummer: nine years without sex, then this. It's making celibacy look REALLY good again, I must say. And why is this another thing that women get much worse than men, so that men can be carriers without noticing? Sheesh!

Thanks TeeJay, Zen, Shel and my esteemed colleague and co-plucker Julie

Gratefully,

Otterly Whimpering