Keep an open mind, but know that this menopause thing is a very long slow process. You sound just like me . I am 57 years old and hopefully just had my last period. So I am sure I will have another 2 years of symptoms. I started with symptoms really severe about 7 years ago. it has been a real struggle and very depressing. To feel ill all the time is really the pits. I have had every symptom they list and got very litlle understanding from any doctor. Nothing I have tried has helped, from natural products to hormone replacement. Most things just gave me more headaches and dizziness. I had to quit my job because I am to tired to function. Oh there have been a few moments when I was hoping this was the end of menopause but they were short lived. I actually have contacted a web site called The Elder Wisdom Circle to ask if there is a light at the end of the tunnel and does menopause really end. They seem to think it will but it is murder while we have to cope. Most women will not dicuss it, I guess if we can't cope it is weakness. So the only thing that helped really was proclaiming myself mentally ill and taking medication to sleep and stop panic attacks. And belive it or not some antidepressants do cut down the hot flashes.. But some days I barely make it out of bed. Hope your experience is btter than mine. Keep smiling and hoping this will pass. ///wetnoodle

Hi wet noodle,

Thanks. Just to find someone else who understands makes a huge difference. My closest friends and sister have all gone through the menopause with hardly any effects. "Oh, yes, I had a period last year but then it just stopped." Aaagh! I sometimes feel like I'm pathetic to be so ill with a 'natural process'. But then I didn't get on too well with being pregnant either. And the symptoms are real, whatever anyone else thinks.

I had an email from a friend yesterday telling me to get out more. I could have hit her. I go for a walk into town every single day: fifteen minutes each way, plus wandering around the shops. It's all I can manage but I do it. I don't need people to tell me what to do, if I could do it I would.

Today, the estragest patch (estradiol + synthetic progesterone) has brought me out in a local rash so I'm off to the doctor's again. The estradiol was reducing the hot flushes and night sweats, although it wasn't having any effect on the shoulder pain, the hip pain, the leg pain, the... you get the picture. Once the progestin was added in, the sweats started up again. I may just have to put up with that (two weeks out of four without sweats would be nice) but I can't stand the itching. So I hope my GP has some good ideas!

Sorry to ramble on. Thanks again for replying, it makes a difference.

fh

Have you become more fearful since starting your changes, or were you fearful prior to menopause whenever you had an ache or pain?

I'd like to try and answer some of these questions as best I can. I have gone through several major episodes of fearfulness - anxiety, panic, unrelenting fear. These included three major bouts with illness and when entering into this premeno phase. When I look at it, these episodes all involved hormonal shifts. The effects and what I worried about in each phase, or obsessed about rather, was different in each case. For instance, during puberty I might have worried over one thing, during disease the symptoms led to moderate depression but the worries were always about my health. I was able to resolve most of my fears and panic about health symptoms during those years and episodes. I still have a couple of health fear triggers and pretty much never go to doctors. After years of being guinea pigged and experiencing out of this world symptoms from meds, wrong meds, wrong med combos, etc. I have concluded I would rather die on my own than go through that sort of ridiculous and uncaring treatment. Having been through one near death experience I am stating what I consider to be a fact not a feeling. So, no, I stopped seeing doctors over aches and pains years ago. I told my current Dr, if you see me, take me seriously, I will never waste your time. Now I think she feels I have wasted her time because I sought her for anxiety reasons during menopause. Oddly enough, she was old enough to have experienced the pause for herself and SHOULD have understood. Evidently the pharmaceutical protocols are a stronger incentive than compassion or empathy for feminine sisterhood. This last battle with anxiety has been ongoing, somewhat sporadic at first but not a daily struggle for close to a year. The past six months have been complicated with moderate depression. After reading your site info here I realize that depression which comes after weeks of fighting anxiety IS anxiety related, something even my Dr could not elucidate. (BTW, I am dyslexic since childhood, it was under control until recently.) What characterizes this anxiety struggle over the others is that it is not over the physical symptoms I am experiencing. It has instead challenged the very roots of all that I am internally. It has caused me to go over my personal faith with a fine tooth comb. That did not help BTW. Faith doesn't work because you understand it. Otherwise it wouldnt BE faith. (duh!) I have a growing despair over the physical changes but even the pain I feel with them is not a critical factor to me. I have endured so MUCH pain during my life already with physical problems. I always felt BLESSED to have a day of feeling good, no pain, no anxiety. On days like that, rare as they are, I felt as if I was at peace and floating through the day. They were always surreal. Then when the last physical issue was finally adequately corrected I was suddenly 40. I have had like eight years of good health...no major illness, not hardly minor stuff even. THEN THE PAUSE HIT. I am still quite physically healthy but am inundated with emotional and personal internalizing. Its like I am taking some kind of personal internal inventory for unknown reasons and cannot stop until I reach the end of it.


Did you go to the doctor a lot before menopause started, rarely - do you go more often now?

No, I stopped doing that after the last major illness I had. I hate going to Drs. The nurses are often unsympathetic and when I tell them they are NOT going to take my BP (I take it at home since a Dr panicked me over it years ago) they get in my face. I realized I am 47 years old and still alive DESPITE many medical mistakes. Nobody is going to tell ME what I will or will NOT have done to MY OWN BODY. They still don't listen to me when I warn them about things I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT ME. The DRs rarely take into account the fact you have lived umpteen years and so many decades in the SAME BODY and there is a good chance you know alot MORE about that body than they EVER WILL. Going to medical school does not make you an expert on SOMEONE ELSES BODY. The day Drs are trained to LISTEN to patients and take into account what they SAY I will think about going back to a Dr. My husband says the same thing. HE refuses to go to Drs anymore unless its life or death. He was sickened and terrified by the things I went through and angered by some of the things he was put through. Now I know by reading YOUR stories, MANY of you gals have gone through a heckuva lot more than I have. Some of you must have come to the same conclusion. I PRAYED ALOT about my physical care and wisdom how to take care of myself. I believe GOD has provided that over and over. Now I have had good Drs and good nurses and good medical care but I would much rather trust GOD than any Dr. on earth.


Do some of the severe symptoms of menopause cause you to think you may be having a stroke? heart attack? or developing some horrific disease?

Panic attacks and anxiety make you feel like you are having a heart attack or whatever. If you can make yourself relax through any symptom you have and be calm enough to assess it rationally, you can make a better decision about how to proceed. Keep a blood pressure cuff (wrist is the best if you can learn how to use it properly) and learn how to assess your own pulse and respiration. Learn the symptoms of stroke - they are published everywhere - so you can assess yourself or another. IF you teach your spouse and those around you how to assess stroke symptoms you can ask them to make an assessment in a case where you feel incompetent to do so. In every case ,PRAY for wisdom. If you think you are having a heart attack, there are lists of symptoms...some of which just don't seem to always apply to WOMEN in particular but you can have someone take you into the emergency and check it out. I think women have trouble diagnosing their own heart symptoms when they do have them and this in part is due to the lack of attention the medical field has paid to women in general. Being emotional creatures, they are often not taken seriously. Now to address the emotional symptoms that lead to anxiety and panic, they all exist in menopause as far as I can tell. I dealt with panic attacks and agorophobia as a young woman. I am prone to anxiety so work hard to understand as much as I can so that I can differentiate between anxiety and genuine physical issues. It is easier at this time for me to ignore the physical symptoms (until they become impossible to ignore and then I deal with them one by one) and focus on the emotional or spiritual aspects.


Has menopause itself changed you and/or created a personality different from the one you had before?

I feel estranged from the woman that I once knew as me. Its like somebody is rearranging my brain and my heart without my permission. My emotions have gone from so deep and encompassing that I began repressing them to just not feel that sort of excruciating pain to fear I have put them so far away they are gone. This is just an anxious reaction to discovering your feelings really ARE that deep. Perhaps the estrogen of youth makes it possible to stay on top of that ocean by enabling an outward focus on DOING. In menopause perhaps the focus alters to the BEING. Since it is virtually impossible to explore the full depths of our inward being ALONE, we need spiritual guidance. First of all, God, is it necessary I know and explore the INWARD me this fully and deeply? Secondly, why should I do this if I have spent so many years already asking your help to maintain my inward self righteously? Third, what benefit can this introspection offer to anyone much less me? Thats the whole point. Whatever it is you FEAR you must FACE. In youth, I feared physical symptoms, illness and death. IN my middle age, evidently, I fear this microscopic inward scrutinization. Maybe I just have to go through all of this ridiculous inward speculation until I am satisfied there is nothing there to fear either. I don't know how this is going to change me because I am still in this process I am describing. Perhaps when I am satisifed there is neither anything to fear in the body or the inward self, I will go on and pick up my life again.


None of this is meant to be judgmental in any way -- but to gain some insight into who and how you were before all this started and who and how you are now?

Nobody around me seems to feel I am turning into another person. Although some months ago my daughter said it will be great when your NICE self returns! If she means the one it was easy to manipulate, pressure and walk all over, them days is over! I think that nice girl is gone now. But maybe there is another girl waiting inside. A more seasoned one that has a somewhat more objective opinion of herself and her life. I hope so. I know that some of the spiritual issues I have been tackling have given my mother cause for panic. I am a Christian and those are the teachings I follow. Some of them I think have become distorted or clouded or miss their mark owing to wrong translations. By experience, I know this inside myself and cannot rectify what I consider distorted teachings with what I know internally to be true. This puts me in a very sticky situation. I am forced to look through original word translations to find where the distortion occurred. When I find it, I am justified internally. In other words, I heave a sigh of releif. This kind of thing would make absolutely NO difference to the average person. I am keenly aware of that. I have NO IDEA why it bothers me so acutely. Before all of this I had the most secure, beautifully ignorant faith and I loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it! I want that back. I liked that childlike darling faith and I grieve over its change more than I grieve this changing body. I haven't stopped believing but now I have to fight and struggle for my faith. Like other people do my husband assures me. What I had before was not like what most people, most believers deal with each day. My experiences have proven to me beyond a shadow of doubt that God and Jesus and the angels and heaven and satan all really exist. The spirit world is real. It feels surreal in this body but its real, more real than this life. Sometimes I wish I was there so all this struggle was over. But you can't go until God says you are ready. So, what has really changed? My life or my approach to it?

Ladies!!!! I have been feeling so bad for the past 3 years (now 42) - all the usual symptoms, the worse being that feeling of not being 'normal', the person I used to be. I have fought with male doctors, had all the tests done - told me I was depressed - we all know that is not the case and we are not going mad! Finally I got to see a woman doc. Has put me on a small dose of HRT (propack-C). After only 10 days its like a miracle - I feel alive again and have energy. I want to do things that had become so hard to do - even like basic cleaning - everything was an effort. Fight for your cases!!!! I feel back to how I used to be - me!!!!!

dearest, first of all, Power Surge is the best thing that has happened to me. before i found you guys, i felt so alone. what really amazes me is that when i read the other women's problems, its like i am reading my own life. i feel an immediate bond to all of you like we share something that no one knows about or about how we really feel. because this is something that in order to really understand the physical and emotional pain, you have to go thru it yourself. i have learned that.

but yes i did suffer with some depression, anxiety, had bad things happen to me like losing loved ones thru death. but i was able to cope better and move on. i even had adhd and didn't know it because i guess i acquired good coping skills. but when peri-meno hit me, everything came crashing down.; i had to get medicated for depression, anxiety, adhd, etc. because it all got the best of me. this was the first thing i noticed - was how i could not handle things anymore - not as strong as i use to be. i had never been fearful to do anything before, in fact, i would try new things all the time just to see what it felt like. when peri-meno hit and everything else that came with it i was so fearful that eventually i got agoraphobia and did not want to leave my house. i have tried so many doctors and therapists that i lost count. i just wanted and still want to feel better no matter what it takes. i always had a high tolerance for pain buy not anymore. i have become a different person in some ways. i am a social worker and have always been very empathetic but now i am so empathetic that it has been destructive to me in many ways. i have been taken advantage of because of my empathy for others. i have loss interest in doing things i use to do and don't have the enthusiasm to do new things. i have lost my marriage, some of my friends. when i think of how i use to be i feel like i am mourning for that person and feel now like she will never come back.

when i use to hear about menopause when i was younger, i too thought that it meant stopping your periods. even though i did hear about how some women went crazy, i thought it was only for maybe a year. never did i think it would be like this. and at first about a year into it i thought the old me would return soon. now, 7 yrs. later i don't think the old me will ever come back and maybe that is what the "chang of life" means. so starting a new life at 54 is not what i thought i would be doing when i was 30, but how we get here is not as important as what we do now that we are here. HUGS Breann

I suppose that I always thoguht of "the change" being a shift from fertile to not, from young mother to empty nester, a sort of change in the balance of life itself, an indefinable shift toward the next phase in life. I knew it would come, and felt like I would be ready when it did. I thought about peaceful walks with my husband and dog, missing my children around the dinner table (sometimes even with longing!). I wondered what we would look like, be like, feel like. I thought about being able to live in a smaller place, being able to keep the house clean, being able to take up a hobby of my own. I didn't think about it much, but when I did, I thought about the positives.

WHAM! I never thought it would start in my 30's! I never thought my kids would only be 10 & 6 as I sit here searching for answers to every silly malady my body seems to have, I never thought it would be my personality, and my very core self that changed. I now wonder if that is why it is called the change. I wonder why I can't break out of this even when I know there is nothing I can do abouut it, even when I know I am not in immediate danger of dying, even when I know I am not being the Mom I can be.

I wonder now how to find enough energy and motivation to get through the day, how to stop focusing on that annoying pain under my left armpit, or the heart racing or the dizzy sensations I get here and ther. Or oops that was a sharp pain in my shoulder - me left one oh sh**. I wonder why I can't just look at the sky and think ooh it's a pretty one today. Why can't I thank God for all I have and be carefree again with my kids? Why can't I take a deep breath without feeling all the little quirks and buzzes, just take the deep and cleansing breath and enjoy the wonder of all that is around me. Why can't I watch the news without that horrible sinking feeling. or listen to my kids fears without feeling them myself?

Maybe it's time to get out and give back in the community somehow so I can stop focusing on me? I never thought about my health before, except to wish for a sick day every once in a while. Now I am always aware of eerything with my body. I think I hate that the most. How does one break that cycle?

Well thanks, I feel like I've just had therapy. I know this is a great site and I have learned SOOO much, but is there a thread here that helps us look forward, help is beat this thing, help us get over the hurdles to the other side. Is the other side good?????

Having read through so many deeply personal messages from all around the world since joining this site recently I'm beginning to wonder whether there is some connection between the level of suffering experienced at the peri and menopausal stages and personality types, and it's not just about the physiological changes taking place. Could it be that the do'ers, the givers, achievers and those who have always had to assume responsibility from an early age, or have had responsibilities foisted on them by others, those who are now reaching the menopause are physically and emotionally unable to give any more as they used to. But isn't this a time when we should be taking it a bit easier? I know its something that is often very hard if you've never allowed yourself to do it. I do hate the feeling of being so out of control of my body, my emotions, almost every area of my life,.but I know I've got to stop fighting against it and from experience (and in my logical moments which are very rare, but then I'm a woman so what the heck!!) i know that peace of mind comes through acceptance. Yes, it's very hard to accept that I can't be that strong person any more, but personally I'm wondering if this menopause is forcing me to make the changes that I should have made as a young adult, to recognise my limits and listen to my body, to trust my instincts, and allow myself to tread water sometimes instead of racing around trying to be everything to everyone.

Very Well put and very moving. Treading water is a proper expression; that's what it feels like. Also, it definitely feels like everything is out of control. Inside and Out. Our yard needs work after it was partially dug up for a water leak, needs soil, grass etc; the outside needs some painting. The inside is in need of flooring, some furniture and some painting; not a lot but some. I use this as a metaphor sometimes; how the house and I both need healing. Right now, it stays as it is and I focus on one thing at a time. Hard to do because it all sends me over the edge at times; the 15 pounds I've gained, our financial picture; which is slowly getting better, our marriage after my husband working out of town for 6 years and now being home for a few years. I think that you become stronger now going through all this out of control whereas before you had the illusion of being in control.

There really isn't control in ways as everything changes including ourselves. This perimenopause definietly gets my attention; makes me slow down. Now, I feel centered, lots of times, I feel anxious and my mind is going very fast. Everthing takes longer and more effort. But also, each feeling/experience is more real and more experienced instead of me not being aware of it much. More consciousness; sometimes, too much; too much fear, anxiety.

Thanks for the great words.

Jan

Hello everyone


I'm 51, last period december 07


Before meno, I was so happy, joyful, funny, full of excitement and looking forward.

Now I also had panic disorder, but for the most part i was still so vibrant.

I was a model, fitness instructor for a while, before that i was a registered dental assistant/periodontal/endodontal assistant in my early twenties

Now? I am tired, feel 'out of place' 'in a fog' VERY VERY VERY SAD reflecting back on my life ALL THE TIME WITH SEARING SADNESS INSTEAD OF JOY

Right now, i can't bear to look at old photo albums, because i want to crawl right back into the photo, and be able to feel the joy i was feeling at the time that picture was taken. Either that,
or it is just too painful for me to look at my life as 'THE OLD HAPPY ME'

MY COPING SKILLS ARE ZERO. Absolute zero.


I have had bouts of depression all my life. It runs in the family.

We are losing our house (and I'm a realtor, now how bad is THAT????)
Hubby got laid off, we are renting a condo, our beloved boxer katie has been so severly sick. Vet removed 6 lb tumor from her tummy, she has had seizures bad lately,
and i just get so upset, i have to go to bed for days. I made my dr. renew my xanax, and it helps a bit with sleeping, but i wake up pretty icky and depressed.
I quit coffee (i was on paxil for 12 years)

anyway, the main symptoms i have that bother me are NOT the hot flashes or vaginal dryness. Its the horrible depression, and mood swings that i can't handle.

Perimenopause slammed into me with like nothing I ever expected. I knew it was coming but was under the impression that my periods would stop one day and I would be in menopause. I expected some up and down days but no major changes to myself or my life or my lifestyle.

What a big surprise I got! I used to be outgoing, ready to do most things. I enjoyed going places especially new places. I never went to the doctor but now I seem to go alot. I was diagnosed with not one but two autoimmune diseases that have put a dent in my life. The mood swings, irritability, and anxiety are horrible. I am on antidepressant but hate it with a passion.

I defintitely do not feel like the same person I was 10 years ago. It has amazed me over and over again how much I have changed since starting this madness.

I am hoping that once I start my count, I will start feeling like the old me again.

yeahhhhhh Woo hooo good for you.. dont be afraid to treat yourself with a little estrogen. Much better than unnecessary psychotripics. We are not crazy and dont let them make you believe it. I went off BHRT and almost lost it without the smidgen of estrogen required to living a woman's normal life. Going back on em to get my happy life back, 2. Yea I was a basket case,, only due to the loss of ESTROGEN,,, NOT MY MIND...

Get those researchers off their "Butts"
Fight back ladies, fight back......Good Luck


Mad as hell, tooooooo

Hi,
I am 54 and have been in this process for the last five years. I keep expecting it to improve, or pass but it seems only to mutate into yet another phase. I so resent the loss of energy. I used to be vital, energetic, alive. I can track my estrogen levels by my energy and migraines. Just now I am in the grip of a three day migraine and have reached the end of my tether.

Truly I had thought that menopause would be liberating. I would go through a gate into a phase of my life which would not be dominated by hormonal swings and roundabouts. Ye ha... Freedom. What I didn't know was that the monthly cycle was also the power generator that was so part of me I didn't realise it's existance. There would be a two or three day blip just before the period when I was a tad snappy and not terribly nice... then there would be a week or more of unbounded energy when I would just do!! do and do more.. The physical energy underpinned my acheivements and contentment. There were also a couple of days in the month when I would retreat with a book and do nil. Zilch. Without guilt or difficulties.

What I now find is that the energy is not there. It is not that I am lazy, it is that I am incapable. The battery is not flat. The battery is dead.
I have tried HRT (with some limited success during the first two years) but it triggers migraine. A three week migriane is just tooooooooooooooo much. Has anyone advice about energy restoration. Done the black cohosh, star flower, evening primrose, agnus castus....

Blessings in advance.

edi b

Hi there,
This is a really good description of what happens to us in menopause. Tremendously insightful and accurate.
From your description, I suspect that your menopause is very similar to mine.
I have always been the energetic type and if my daily workload increased, I just used to peddle faster and move mountains. I just took the ability to be terribly efficient for granted.
Then menopause entered the scene.
The first years were dominated by crushing migraines, that were so severe, the neighbours often heard my cries of pain.
My gut appeared to be badly affected by the hormonal fluctuations and resulted in horrible colonic stasis and awful intolerance to many types of food. During the migraine episodes my pillow was often covered in hair, which appeared to fall out when I was in pain and I felt huge waves of heat but didn't really have a 'temperature' as such.
Periods were still regular at this stage. Then came neck, back and joint problems. I felt like a complete 90 year old wreck. My pelvis and everything in it, always felt tender and upset. This seemed to go on endlessly.
Quite suddenly I felt that the hormonal profile had changed and it all stopped. It was such a relief to get rid of the migraines because I had started to have 3 or 4 per month and they often lasted 2-3 days. The pelvis felt much more contented and the constipation eased. This all gave way to hot sweats and indescribable fatigue. I started to experience fits of deep anger, panic and rage. I had so much brain fog I could scarcely remember my childrens' names. Everything dried up including my nose and throat and allergies were exascerbated markedly. Sometimes it felt as if I were having difficulty with swallowing. Hello health anxiety and insomnia!
Periods stopped.
It has been a long hard haul but recently I see a glimmer of improvement. It has been 12 long years. I am looking forward to moving on.
Just don't ask me to do it all again...............


Cheers XIII

I found this thread very interesting.
When I first came here I would weep because somebody felt like I did.

I was afraid of the symptoms, I was agoraphobic, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't lay down in my bed at night as I felt I was suffocating. I wanted to wake up dead (you know what I mean ).

Like another poster I did all the doctor stuff as I needed certificates for work. I had a lot of time off work as I couldn't cope and I was threatened with the sack. Horrible things happened in my life (second parent died and DH had a heart attack at 43) and my periods went heavy and crazy.

I was afraid of the peri symptoms, especially the nausea (phobic), but I'm glad to say that I feel a lot better. I still get some hot flashes and migraines but I am not afraid of them anymore. I still get the dead battery thing. Most of all I have learned to say NO.

I may feel like a 20 year old in my mind but my body is 53 and I just say so!

I can relate to the last few posts quite a bit. I am to be 60 next month. Some of the symptoms have eased, some are still up and down, but the stomach/digestive stuff is still a big deal on my plate. I am hoping it gets a whole lot better real soon. I am tired of spending so much time in the doc's office and am having way too many ER visits with palps. All this stuff has controlled my life for waaaaaayyyyyyyy too long. I hope we all get better really quick here.

J

I am amazed how many women have stomach problems... I have suffered for the last 5 years with this, bloating, wind, having to dash to the loo much to often. I hadn't put it down to menopause. What I found was a milk intolerance and I switched to soya. This helped somewhat. But it hasn't cleared it up. Is this yet another menopause symptom? My migraine of 4 days is now on the out. Thanking the good goddess for small mercies. hoping you all have a GOOD day..

edi b

I had stomach issues too. Dairy and shellfish mainly but the hot stomach cramps and sudden diarrhea made me wary of eating out and contributed to my anxiety. Even now I eat carefully the night before I plan to go out. I even started using immodium to go out (half an "Instant")


On holiday I had a potato with tuna and sweetcorn, then walking round the area afterwards was overcome with hot pain and the need for a toilet. We had to dash back to the holiday rental so I could go. I thought tinned tuna was a "safe".

Slowly I have reintroduced cheese, someday's OK, sometimes not. I drink Yakult and use a generic peppermint capsule (Colpermin), which I think has helped no end!

Well, I'm going to add my two-cents here, although after reading all of the posts I feel as if I've already spoken albeit from the mouths of others, but here goes:

I'm 47 and in many ways, I HATE MENOPAUSE!! I hate the hot flushes and those chills that only travel up one side of my body or the other. I hate the mood swings and the powerful emotions that come with it. I despise the vaginal atrophy that makes intercourse so painful that my husband doesn't even try anymore. I hate the heavy periods one month and the nearly nonexistent one the next, so I never know what to expect. I hate the insomnia and the heavy intense episodes of "thinking deep thoughts." I hate the change in my skin and in my overall appearance. I hate not feeling beautiful anymore or sexy. I detest feeling old.

However, since starting thru menopause I find I'm often in a different frame of mind than most of the women who have posted here. I do have mood swings and at times an anger problem but for me, my anxiety attacks happened when I was much younger. I struggled with panic and depression when I was a young single mother, and have found that as I draw closer to menopause, that this has truly eased up and I hardly ever suffer any type of anxiety. (touch wood!) I also find I'm more patient with the clerk at the store or more tolerant of the new waitress who's just learning her job. I'm more forgiving of a cranky co-worker or more accepting of other's flaws and imperfections. I no longer set standards for myself or anyone else that cannot be attained. I speak my mind and am no longer silent when I feel slighted.

In many ways, thus far, "the change" has been welcomed, but I suppose I'm vain. I hate the weight gain and I detest looking in the mirror now. Whilst never a raving beauty, I was attractive in my younger days. But now, I feel as if the dew is no longer on the rose and I'm left with a dried out old whithered person who stares back at me from the mirror. I hate when my husband turns and watches a younger sexier woman pass by. I turn out the light now while I'm undressing and am too ashamed to be seen naked by him. No matter how hard I work at looking younger...I simply look my age. My clothes don't fit, my face has changed, and I hate it. I've heard that one can "grow old gracefully," and I'm sure that this is true for many but for me, I feel sad that the young woman is fading and this "person" is taking her place. I cannot resign myself to it...I am truly lost.

Krissy in her last post touched on an area of menopause that I have struggled with as well. Vainity be damned. I was gorgeous but had no clue that I was. Perhaps not conventionally beautiful but vital, lithe, with legs up to me armpits and a grace of movement. I am convinced that God must be a man. I lose my fertility and he compensates with curves and breasts!! What the hell wos he thinking.. Well, this has had its moments.. I discovered Bra's when I was 50 and played with the cleavage line for a couple of years.. When you have never had a cleavage ever, this is fun. But, more seriously what krissy was expressing if I read her correctly is a form of grieving for the loss of a part of ourselves that is gone. I didn't know that I had never had to worry about being attractive or drawing attention through the medium of physicality. This part of myself is gone. Though it is ever amazing to me what people find attractive... As the flower fades a seed is produced. Or maybe a nut. But both these things have real value. They hold the sum of the beauty, grace, and life force.

edi b

I agree with all of you. The stomach thing has been a problem even before and some days is really bad now. The palps seem s to coincide with ibs. I know it sounds crazy, but when I palp, I usually feel a burp, then I do and it feels better. Doctor's look at me like I am nuts, but I know there's a connection. It happens almost every time.

I hate all the other things that go along with this journey as well. bcp's have saved me from going insane. they gave me back alot of my life. my gyn says it's lack of estogen that causes all of this, antidepressants are not the answer, because depression isn't my problem it's hormones. not to say a xanax every now and then isn't necessary, he believes it can help the rough spots too.

good luck.

E,

This is not crazy at all. It happens to me...and has all my life. I do not know if it's the pressure in my chest cavity or what, but my heart will begin to skip a beat and then two, and just when I'm almost about to panic because of it, I belch. It's not even a large burp but enough to relieve the pressure and the heart returns to normal rhythm. I talked to my own GP about it and he said, "The day that your heart doesn't return to normal rhythm is the day to start worrying about it." So, I don't. Hope this helps.

I thought about this thread all day yesterday. I kept this question in the forefront of my mind and referred to it often. Perhaps its not vanity, perhaps it is indeed a grieving process for the women we "used to be."

This morning, I got out of bed and went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, long and hard. I'm a shell of the woman I once was in terms of "looks" and "thoughts." My hair used to be so long and healthy with a shine you could see for miles, now...it breaks of at about the shoulder and will not grow any further. My grandmother had long gray hair down to her waist that she used to wind in a small bun on the back of her head. It was gorgeous. But not mine. I too was long legged and thin. Very athletic and energetic. I took pride in the fact that men liked to look at me...but now that time has passed.

I cannot get used to this face that has begun to stare back at me from the mirror. Not weathered necessarily but certainly aged. I fear now that the "cute freckles" have turned to age spots, and my long lithe body has rounded itself out. I never cared about having breasts, but I could certainly live without this huge bum. My legs rub together at the top now, and my arms continue to wave long after I have stopped. I think about plastic surgery constantly, and even tho I've started going to the gym, I've managed to lose just two pounds. Depressing...

My thoughts are sometimes chaotic and other times in perfect harmony. This morning, even though my husband stayed with me instead of going into work early, I felt profoundly lonely and began to weep. I suffered mood swings when going thru puberty and I had mild post partum depression, but nothing has touched me like the emotions of menopause. I can be fiercely angry, volitile, weepy, sad, happy and giggly and often, within the same hour. I cannot guard myself against this...it constantly keeps me off balance.

The person I was before menopause does not exist now, but I've been unable to resign myself to the person I see.

What was i like before, i considered myself a very attractive woman,outgoing & always on the go,,i loved fixing my hair,,putting on makeup,,ECT...During menopause,,I wasn't sleeping that good,,i was very,very moody & at the time sex was still great....After menopause,,,I don't fix my hair like i use too,,the onlytime now i wear makeup is if its a half to,,I'm not as outgoing like i use to be,,,mood swings (like you wouldn't believe) depression,night sweats,hot flashes,,,as for my sex drive,,its gone way downhill,,i tend to worry alot about everything....I'm just glad i'm not the only one thats going through this!!! I would love to have my old self back,,but i know that will never happen!!!

I was energetic, very happy and silly. I kept my house clean; I made plans to do fun things and looked forward to it. Now I'm mostly depressed, anxious over daily back pains and have no desire to do anything. I don't even enjoy the little things I force myself to do. I've also become somewhat agoraphopbic. I go out and take my son to school and also volunteer at school, but when I start to get a back spasm I'm in my bed and afraid to move or go anywhere. I have no interest in my husband and I really don't want to take care of my son. I just feel very depressed and anxious a lot of the time. I'm not even in full blown menopause either. I'm in the peri stage very irregular, but I've been in this stage for about 3 years and in the last year and 1/2 I noticed my symptoms got worse. I just started BHRT last month but didn't notice any changes. Someone on this site said it was b/c it was an oral dose and very low so I was most likely not getting any or the e/p/t that was in it. I changed it to a gel or cream but I've yet to receive so I haven't been on anything for a few days and I feel very depressed today.

I look at pictures of me in the past and I seemed so happy and I was. I was always on the go and happy to make others happy. Now I mostly feel dull and I can't stand to look at old pictures. I want to feel that way again. I just hate my life so much and I hate the problems I've caused in my marriage and with my son. I am praying that my new prescription of the gel or cream will make me feel better.

I have done all the mind/body/spirit/nutrition stuff and I am still working that route and I journal happy thoughts whenever I remember, but still this phase of life has changed me for the worse and I just hate myself and my life. But I know its going to pass through and brighter days will come. I want my old happy, silly, energetic self back.

try joining a club that deals with something you are interested in---crafts,programs,etc....It just should be one or two.a) it will really pick up your spirits,get you out of the house,andhelp you achieve a goal.It should also have a memebership fee,that sounds wacy,but it will give you motivation to stay with it.FOCUS on better days.

WELL GIRLS

ive been pretty messed up all my life, (on AD'S for the past 18 years, weaned off then CRASHED) Back on my paxil for two weeks
but just don't feel myself at all.



I was pretty good the past 12 years i was on paxil, and never went to a therapist. Just the past year of being on paxil i got depressed and really
didn't even think it was menopause related DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (I just turned 51)

I haven't had a period since dec 07, i have barely barely spotted about twice since then,the last time was when I douched. Go figure.

But anyway, so i don't know if the terrible terrible depression i've been suffering is cos of MENO, or cos i stopped my meds by myself after
12 years. I really think it's both.

For the most part, the paxil helped me tremendously in the 'peri' years.


I still don't feel like myself. I'm very 'needy' feeling. Like I feel so alone, like LADYBUG said.


xoxoxo
terri

Hi, just thought I'd pop in and try and offer a little hope. Three years ago I came here and posted on this thread with duplicates of everything you've all said. I never felt pretty so I didn't have a lot of pain over my looks either being here or there. I did however freak out that I became very suddenly AFRAID. Afraid like I've never been in my life. I spent 4 months and over $1000 looking for the answer to my fear. I was blessed, my first and second doctor indicated hormones immediately. I DIDN"T BELIEVE THEM. So the first part of my journey was coming to accept the phase in my life which I personally believe, naturally comes with mourning our youth. Don't know if that is a hormone generated thing or not.

I'm now 47 and still in peri but it is getting better; not all the time and definitely not at once. But I can now keep the house clean, take my kids places and work. Some old hobbies are still difficult for me, but I picked new hobbies in their place that fit me better during this phase. The fear is not completely gone yet. The crying is certainly not gone. But I am beginning to function and to learn how to function accepting that fear and depression come up. I guess part of what helps is knowing that I've survived 3 years. I now have the history to tell myself that I can survive.

Hang in there, find what works both physically and mentally. It does get better

Hi everyone. Just back after a long break from this great website and happy to say that I think I'm seeing a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 49 and haven't had a period for over 12 months. Went thru a pretty horrrible time for a while; bone crushing fatigue, feeling just blah, hot flashes, felt that I never wanted to be sexually active again and could have cheerfully killed my partner several times a day. Uncomfortable itchiness and thinning of vagina walls, plus weirdo creepy skin on my shoulders and dry scaly skin everywhere else. However! Happy to say that my libido is back and I seem to be having a sort of cycle of hormones every month but without the bleed, plus I have more energy and not so much exhaustion. Flashes are lessening, thank god. I think yoga has helped and getting as many naps in as possible, vitamin D too, apparently lots of us are deficient. I've also bitten the bullet and completely cut out caffeine in all forms. This really helps, altho you get a killer headache for 3 days. I think that recognising that when you feel crap, you feel crap, but it will pass is important too. One thing I am worried about tho is the absent mindedness and woolly brain I seem to have. I dither when I do things now and seriously forget where I've put things. I came downstairs with my toothbrush in my hand the other day. Also forget words or mispronounce them. I hope its not early onset Alzeihmer's! Can anyone tell me if they have this problem and if it lessens with time?
Lynne from Oz

I could have written this myself.I just got the results of my annual appt.back."You are very low on Vitamin D." I have to take a special supplement for the rest of my life.Hope I remember to take it.

Into the vicious blood cycle!

A week of calm after period, then bloating began, then swelling of the brain and mood swings, then wanting to eat every last potato chip on earth, then sleepless nights, then cramps, odor, soiled panties but a good night's sleep!

I love being post menopausal! At 55, it is the best, most regulated time of my life. I've no physical symptoms that are discussed in length by the medical community. I think they make some of that stuff up!

No hot flashes, or mood swings, or poor sleeping, or lack of libido, or weight gain, or bone loss. I am at my prime. The best physical condition of my life!

It is a blessing to be past the blood cycle!

Enjoy!

Hi girls!

I only found this website last week - wish I'd known it existed years ago...

I'm 50 and definitely post-menopausal now. My issue at the moment is vaginal atrophy, which is driving me absolutely mad. I'm on estrogen cream which is helping a bit - I can only hope that with time, it will get better.

But to answer the question that Dearest asked way back at the beginning of this thread, I would say that until this vaginal thing started, I was pretty comfortable with getting older. I found almost the opposite of what a lot of the girls have said - I went through a bit of fuzzy brain but once that was done I found that my powers of concentration actually got better. For the first time in my adult life, freed from the monthly cycle, I found that I could keep a thought going for longer than two minutes. I took up study with the Open University and actually finished a course. I began to feel like a wise woman, and thought I should really be getting a little hut in the forest so people with problems could come to me for enlightenment.

That has all (temporarily I hope) gone for the moment with this damn vaginal dryness and I'm back to being like a cat on coals again. But I hope it will pass. I'm applying to University to study a full degree so I certainly hope I get the wise old woman thing back!

I do get fed up with the sagging boobs, the thread veins and the hairs that sprout overnight in really visible places. I still feel like I'm 21 in my head and it's a real shock when I realise how other people must see me - being called Madam is the worst!

Happy Monday to my fellow Surgers out there - hope it's going well, and if it's not, take care of yourselves.

Dear 'Puddock'

Welcome to the Forum.It is great to have you with us.

Am so glad that on the whole you transitioned quite nicely.

I too suffered from Vaginal Atrophy,aged 39,which is when my Gyn.suspected Premature Menopause.I was put on HRT and after about six months all was well again.

Good Luck with University.

Keep in Touch
Elizabeth

Dear Lynne
Marvellous that your symptoms have eased up and hope this continues to be the case.

I too practise Yoga and cut out caffeine and sugar.Yes it does make a difference.About every month I do have a treat and boy does it feel good!

Please do not worry about early onset Alzeihmer's or the whole Forum would be shuffling around with you!The wooly brain and .absentmindedness are very common and generally start to improve as the other symptoms clear .I have put my Toothbrush in the Freezer and looked for my glasses which I was wearing.I can never remember a phone number not even my own.I have it stored inside my Cell so if anyone wants my number I look it up discreetly!

Wishing you all the Best

P.S. Your letter is far too articulate to have been written by someone with early onset Alzeihmer's.Loosing the car keys is not a problem but forgetting what you use them for is!

God Bless
Elizabeth

Well,
your post was the one i was looking for i was wondering how life can be after the peri and then menopause... i feel better knowing there is a sunrise afterwards and not being doomed to where i am at right now..... i hope it gets better... 4 me
camille

While the symptoms of hot flashes may now be gone, this is because the ups and downs of hormone levels have leveled off. However, this does not mean that your body is protected. When hormones are deficient, as occurs in all aging females and males, there are a number of aging processes that occur in the body, for example heart disease, osteoporosis. So keep in mind, that hormone therapy is NOT about treating symptoms, it is about protecting the body.

Paul Hueseman, Pharm.D.

Hello,
How is HRT protective of heart disease? Osteoporosis seems to be the only beneficial effect of HRT so far, and not every women/men will have it either. it is a bit confusing, seems like those of us that chosen natural approach and can't use HRT, are deliberately harming our bodies?
Could, you, please, provide any data demonstrating that not using HRT will result in faster body degradation and age related ailments in comparison to use of HRT, so far all the data I have seen and all the articles I have read, indicate the opposite.
Every article points to completely the opposite, HRT is linked to increased risk of heart attacks and strokes and each patient should be carefully evaluate before being Rx HRT.
We have been debating here for some time, to use or not to use, but you made this claim and as professional, you probably have data I have no access to, so could, you, please, elaborate, I think we all could benefit from your input.
Thanks,
I.

I have found this article very informative, it seems that HRT is not preventive measure for heart disease, quite the opposite. I believe genetics, diet and lifestyle, stress management should be a foundation of longevity and good health, but it is JMHO.

http://fugh-berman.com/files/Perspectivespro.pdf

***, how can you possibly think that the loss of reproductive hormones isn't harmful when the risks of cancers and other serious diseases/conditions so drastically increase after ages 40 and 50, precisely the times when most women enter peri and full menopause ? And the risks are much lower when hormones are at their peak ? Do you think the risks increase because the older women suddenly change their diet and exercise and reactions to stress ??

You posted a link to a 16 page document. You have a tendency to dump lots of info into this forum, forcing us readers to either sift through all of it (which can take, literally, hours) or ignore it. Why not just excerpt small amounts to substantiate your points ? In the document pointed to by your link, what specifically is it that you wish to highlight ?

HERS used CEEs and MPA, not bioidenticals
WHI used CEEs and MPA
ERA used CEEs and MPA

Viscoli et al used bioidentical estradiol, but the subjects were limited to those who had already suffered ischemic stroke or transient ischemic attack. And the mean age was 77 !

ESPRIT used estradiol valerate (bioidentical estradiol injected intramuscularly), but the subjects were limited to those who had already suffered myocardial infarction.

What does this paper say about healthy and relatively newly menopausal women using bioidentical hormones ? From what I can see, nothing.

So how does this support your claims ?

don't read it if you have no time, 16 pages is not much,
i can't post excerpts, you must read it all, very interesting.
I am not forcing anyone. I addressed this to a professional.

I asked for data showing that BHRT prevents heart disease, and I asked someone who has access to professional database.
The whole point of discussion is back to square one, and stop with your "how could you possibly think", because I do have right to think, when someone basically tells us: you will die from heart disease if you don't use BHRT.

Here's a study using estradiol, focusing on atherosclerosis which is a major cause of heart attacks:

http://www.annals.org/cgi/content/abstract/135/11/939

Patients: 222 postmenopausal women 45 years of age or older without preexisting cardiovascular disease and with low-density lipoprotein cholesterol levels of 3.37 mmol/L or greater (≥ 130 mg/dL).

Intervention: Unopposed micronized 17ß-estradiol (1 mg/d) or placebo. All women received dietary counseling. Women received lipid-lowering medication if their low-density lipoprotein cholesterol level exceeded 4.15 mmol/L (160 mg/dL).

Conclusions: Overall, the average rate of progression of subclinical atherosclerosis was slower in healthy postmenopausal women taking unopposed ERT with 17ß-estradiol than in women taking placebo. Reduction in the progression of subclinical atherosclerosis was seen in women who did not take lipid-lowering medication but not in those who took these medications.

Estradiol is vasodilator, no news in it. The key word: Unopposed , how many women with intact uterus will use just ERT? I assume these women underwent hysterectomy prior to the studies.

Again, the exaggeration !

I'm getting the feeling that because BHRT didn't work for you (I don't remember why), you get upset when anyone else has success with it, and you get even more upset when anyone promotes it.

Power-Surge is pro-BHRT and this forum is not excluded. Look at the top of the forum pages ... "Power Surge has recommended only natural, bioidentical hormones (molecularly the same as yours) for the past 15+ years" alongside a nice ad for Bellevue which supplies only bioidentical hormones. Pete Hueseman contributes occasionally to the forum, and obviously he is pro-BHRT.

You are in BHRT territory, even in this forum, and no amount of bullying or insults or exaggerations is going to change that.

I was under the impression it was a MENOPAUSE site and this forum was Menopause: Before, During and After. I don't believe it is BHRT territory. I thought it was for all peri and menopausal women to come compare notes, comiserate, offer suggestions and generally support each other. It's taking on a combative, intimidating tone and I don't think that was the original concept.

Well, back to the subject that this thread originated on, Before peri, I was a very happy, bubbly, outgoing, love to shop type of person. Yes, I have always been a worrier but nothing like I am now. I never before had health anxiety or intense anxiety. Boy do I miss those days already and it has only been a few years. Here's hoping that my journey to beyond meno goes quickly (symptom wise anyways)and that I may be even more enlightened and in tune with my body as the years move on. I wish peace and love to all of you here on PS for your wisdom regarding whatever topic is discussed and that someone will be helped by what others have learned. That others will be comforted knowing that you are not alone in whatever issues this lovely time of life is throwing at you, whatever stage you may be in.

Love and Hugs to All,

Kim

Dear Kim

Thank you for a most encouraging Post.And yes there are lots of good times to come.

Here I am at 57 and a young man I passed on the street said Your'e Pretty.Of course he might be very short sighted or have a Mamma complex, like Norman Bates from Psycho!But it gave me a nice boost

Stay Well
Elizabeth

Before peri I was not afraid of life. I lived everyday pretty happily. I did not mope around. I enjoyed everything I could. I took chances.

I still hope to somehow find a way back to being comfortable as me. Before for me was... when my energy seemed to flow, my determination was fierce, I fought my depression and anxiety and bounced back from my bouts of sadness and letdowns. I cannot say I was a really "happy" person but I believed in the overall goodness in life and was OK with how I existed, working on contentment. I felt physically that I was fairly strong and mentally that I could hold my own. I felt capable. I also felt attractive, even if only at times. I guess I really even felt like I was achieving balance in my life and felt mostly that I was moving in a positive direction. Then I started feeling like I was regressing and wondered what was happening. Now, today, this site just in this one day has given me back a bit of hope. I love lighthouses and this is site a beacon from a lighthouse through the rough seas I feel like I have been drowning in.