Many of us never really thought much about menopause prior to "being there." And, if we did think about menopause before, it was likely that we thought it would be the end of our periods - and nothing like what it actually is.

As most of us know by now, menopause can be a time of difficult physical, emotional and spiritual changes - changes in temperament, changes in the way we react to everything we're feeling, changes in the way we interact with others - changes in our personalities.

At the same time, a common phrase I've used and believe in is, menopause doesn't happen in a vacuum. We were many things before perimenopause reared its ugly head -- some of us with certain temperaments before any of this started. Some of us always tolerated pain well. Some of us may have lived with more anxiety than the average person. Some of us may have been prone to depression. Many of us had/have more problems in general than the average person before menopause started. Some of us may have had marital difficulties prior to menopause.

One thing that's crystal clear to most of us is that menopause exacerbates ALL the pre-existing problems that existed before the perimenopausal years.

What I'm interested in having you all share is basically - when you introspect about who/how you were before and who/how you are now, what are the differences?

Have you become more fearful since starting your changes, or were you fearful prior to menopause whenever you had an ache or pain?

Did you go to the doctor a lot before menopause started, rarely - do you go more often now?

Do some of the severe symptoms of menopause cause you to think you may be having a stroke? heart attack? or developing some horrific disease?

Has menopause itself changed you and/or created a personality different from the one you had before?

None of this is meant to be judgmental in any way -- but to gain some insight into who and how you were before all this started and who and how you are now?

You don't specifically have to answer these questions, but just share who you were before -- if you remember as compared to who you are now.

Thanks

Dearest

Perimenopause came as a total shock to me. Of course I knew it would come eventually, but I guess I never thought about it at all. I just routinely bought my period "supplies" and dreaded having a period and cramps every month. One day, out of the blue, I stood up from my desk at work and flooded something awful. I actually had to leave work and go home to change my clothes. Still, the thought of perimenopause never entered my mind. I didn't really know what was wrong. I even foolishly flirted with the thought that it might be a miscarriage, even though I didn't really think that I was pregnant. The biggest shocker for me was the sudden onset of anxiety attacks. I had always been a nervous type, worrying about everything from my childrens' health to making sure the house was always clean. One Sunday, in church, I got the most terrible feeling of not being able to breathe and of being trapped. I got so scared that I left the pew and stood in the back of the church (where I felt perfectly fine). I kind of forgot about that until a few weeks later when it happened again. Now I was really frightened. I knew very little about perimenopause and never associated the incidents with it. The anxiety, coupled with lightheadedness, made me certain that I was probably suffering from some dread disease. Still no clue! Then I started searching the web for some answers. I concentrated on heart disease and brain tumors. Of course, why not the worst? I told no one. It was my silent mission. During my research, I started to see correlations between my symptoms and the onset of peri. That's when I found this site and what a blessing! Wow---I am just about the right age---duh!!! So here I am today, loving this site and all of the wonderful women on it. I guess I could say that before peri I was a little nervous, at the beginning of peri I was a total basket case, and now, with some information, and still in peri, I have learned to deal and actually have come around full circle. Thanks Dee for helping me and thousands of other women out there.

I used to think that if there was a stable full of manure, there was gonna be a pony in there somewhere - but not any more. My life has pretty much been a disaster area all through - meno is just the icing on the cake, so to speak - I give up! Almost everything that I thought was of any importance apparently wasn't - I feel it has been a pointless excercise - pretty sad eh! but You wanted honest so there it is ...and I'm not even depressed! BUT! - compared to a lot of others out there, my life has been a breeze - this is just not what I expected - common self centred thought process. I hate self centred! but one trauma after another sort of does that to you. Then when you think it might be safe to stick your head out of the sand and get a life - BANG! - MENOPAUSE hits you like a ton of bricks! - end of life before you realized you had one - BUGGA! I don't see this as a negative opinion, but rather a realistic one as a result of my own experiences. I used to be an optimist -now I am a realist, unfortunately reality borders on pessimism. I don't see the world or life through rose coloured glasses anymore - the aging process might have something to do with this. Thanks Dearest - going to have a valium and a lie down ........ PS~ I AM grateful all the same, if that makes sense? Typical Gemini - there are two of us you know.

Wow, what a great topic, Dearest - this really made me think!

Way back, before menopause ever started, I didn't think much about it at all, of course. When I did think about it, it was along the lines of my period just stopping and that was it. No big decisions, no, symptoms, nothing like the reality of it all.

I have the dubious destinction of going through menopause twice, but the first one was MUCH easier than the real thing. In my early 30s, I had another hormone disorder caused by a (benign) brain tumor. The first symptoms of that - stopped periods - led my doctor to believe that I was in early menopause, after he'd ruled out the possibility of pregnancy. My periods had just stopped, and that's what I assumed real menopause to be.

Incidentally, that did happen for my college roommate - her periods did just stop - no fanfare, no flooding, no symptoms. Just stopped. She couldn't understand the big deal I was going through.

Unfortunately, after that other problem was cleared up several years later, the first thing to come back was my periods. The one symptom I didn't want fixed! I would have been delighted if my period had never come back at all - after all, I wasn't going to have any more children. So why would I need this thing?

Then a brief period of "normalcy", period-wise, anyway, then the real menopause started. UGH!

I had no idea what to expect. I thought it would be like the first time. The periods stop and I go about my life. Boy, was I wrong about that.

Some of those early symptoms, especially the 24/7 random itching, nearly drove me over the edge. That was so awful for me, disrupted my sleep, drove me nutty in the days.

I'm quite a different person now than I was in my younger years. I used to act like SuperWoman with all these ToDo lists, getting them all done, juggling all kinds of things. Nowadays, I don't seem to be able to fit into that cape anymore - I can't even find it under the rubble here The house used to be reasonably clean and tidy. Not any more.

I have not become any more fearful since this menopause started, although I was plenty afraid during the first, fake one. As it turned out, I had some good reasons to be afraid then and I learned that I could face death in a relatively calm way. I am no longer afraid of dying, but I am afraid of possible pain.

Generally, like most of us, I can turn any little thing into the worst possible scenario. Chest pains are heart attacks, other things are cancer. Interestingly, though, when I was in my younger teens I was sure that I had lung cancer - but I didn't tell a soul. Not one of my smarter phases

I go to the doctor much less now. I haven't found that doctors can always help me. I don't want to be prescribed tranquilizers when I say I'm not well, especially if a man in the same situation would get a full workup. I want to be taken seriously because I do know my own body and how it should feel and react - not be patted on the head and told to go away, because I'm a woman / fluffhead.

Usually, if I wait long enough, whatever the problem is goes away on its own, anyway.

I think that my personality has changed somewhat. Some things are better, some not so good. I think I'm a little more social than I used to be. Not a whole lot, but a bit. I spent my earlier life mostly by myself and my family. I have never been one to go out and talk to people or make friends. I'm happy to report that has improved since meno and I have Power Surge to thank for that. Talking in here, in the chats, in IMs has helped me a great deal with this.

I've always been a person who has lived by trying to "hide out", not be noticed by anyone. I would never call attention to myself in any way. Unfortunately, then I sometimes get depressed when no one notices me! Talk about your double standard. LOL

It will be interesting to read what everyone else has to say about these things. It's all very thought provoking to think about.

I have to respond to jimi's post! What you don't know, jimi, is that I come to read the message boards, and I'm always hoping that you've posted something - I love your writing voice, which is so witty and clever! When you express regrets about the hard things in your past, please know that you are currently giving people good support, and the enjoyment of your personable responses. You are someone I immediately got a sense of, through nothing more than your great posts! Please keep it up!

In light of the question of pre-menopausal days, well, I can say that I've always believed that God gave us estrogen as a way of keeping us from killing our loved ones. I remember feeling so frustrated by my teenage daughter and husband, how they took the things I did for them for granted, and seemed to go around thinking I'd been born just for the "benefit" of taking care of all their needs! Just as my period would be about to hit, I'd be a raging lunatic - PMS felt like a veil had been lifted, and I could see how I was being taken advantage of by these evil twins!!! And then, after the period, as my estrogen began its little climb, I'd start feeling all lovey-dovey again, oh isn't my daughter looking lovely today, and my wonderful husband, here let me pick up those socks for you before I go to work, honey, you're so busy yourself!!! Estrogen is nature's way of keeping children (and husbands) alive!! The gift of menopause is a clearer idea of what you do and don't want to do. It sets limits, speaks its mind. Hard to run around taking care of the world while we're trying to find our own balance. It's challenging, but a necessary transition.

Hi to everyone well, before meno I was always trying to please everybody else and wanting to be liked . I wanted to be the best mum, the best wife, housewife everything I did had to be good and i got pretty upset if my husband critisized ( which he did frequently). When meno hit me with all the anxiety attacks etc etc.. I went through a transition period of realising that I am a good person, I am a nice person, and now I don't give a damn what anyone thinks, I look after me. I don't take any messing from anyone anymore, I'm not hard, just value myself, which I never did before. I am still very close to my daughter and we get on great and see each other all the time and she is pleased that i am now this way. Husband had a bit of a shock!!! he's always been arrogant and a bit of a bully (verbally) I now tell him what I am doing and he accepts it. Like Jimi, I have had more than my fair share of emotional knocks but I have always kept getting up, right from childhood, meno just gave me the strength to shout about it. Also I couldn't have done it without PS. I now feel mature and wise and know my own mind for the first time in my life and it's great!! Luv Jenniffer

Before perimenopause I could take my daily walk, without sobbing. This has improved somewhat, but........... I also resumed drinking after a 10 yrs, of sobriety 2 years ago. I generally just have 2, but being a problem drinker, I have crossed the line. I use to read several books a week, now my head reels in anxiety, which doesn't do much for the concentration. I've always been somewhat moody and anxious, but this is an entirely different spectrum. My premenstrum was always pretty rocky, which I believe also factors into a rough peri. I worked in sales years ago, but would be incapable of doing that these days. I'm rather having a identity crisis!!!!lol

I'm with you Jennifer! I could go on about my perimeno ailments, but the truth be told, I wouldn't change this time of my life for anything! Okay.... maybe a little less anxiety, but I too feel LIBERATED!! There is a story for every fine line on my face (and the not-so-fine-ones), and they all culminate to who I am now. Hormones have fluctuated on me for 3 decades.... PMS, pregnancy, et al! I'm not laying down and giving in now! I am a different person now, but I think we all change and evolve constantly. At least if we're lucky we do. I have learned the wonderful word: NO. NO, I'm not going to kill myself trying to do something for you, NO I'm not going to go somewhere that makes me uncomfortable, NO I just can't afford it..... It's now easy for me to say these things. Menopause doesn't define me. It rears it's ugly head, it can make it difficult, it can even wreck my day.... but at the end of the night, it's not WHO I am.

What a great thought provoking question Dearest. I have to say that I never really thought about peri/meno until I started experiencing the symptoms. It something that I knew was going to eventually occur but it caught me by surprise. My mother never discussed it and it was something that I thought was categorized by hot flashes (only!) My peri symptoms starting last year coincided with a major life change (getting married - for the first time at the age of 49) so it was a bit like a chicken and egg situation. I think that the combination of everything being so wonderful with the thought that the other shoe was going to drop exacerbated my symptoms and caused bouts of hypochondria. I have spent more time at doctors in the past year than I have in my entire life always turning out to be nothing. However, I would not trade this time of my life for any other but I could certainly do without the LIST. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to share my life, the good with the bad, with the love of my life. It is an honor to share my feelings with all of you.

Hey Joliejacq ~ TA! ;)

Yes, Dearest this is a very thought provoking and soul searching question. I would have to say that I was one of those people who never gave menopause a thought till it hit me square in the face. Talk about naive, or dumb in my case both, I had a hysterectomy at 38yrs. they left an ovary and told me nothing would change. well it didn't , I went on with my full life of working and raising two children . I was not a frequenter of doctor's offices, once a year maybe for a physical...I was never sick and full of energy. Then the year I turned 50 all hell broke loose, without any warning to me. I don't know why I wasn't thinking menopause, but suddenly I was having anxiety attacks, of course thought it was heart attacks, and spent many a day running to the ER.. then bit by bit the symptoms started to appear, hot flashes, that is when I returned to the dr. but felt I could handle them. and did till the migraines started, and lasted, and lasted, then the insomnia, the creepy itchy skin, the indigestion problems were really bad, anyway they came one after the other relentless,:(:P:P I gave in went on ERT for about a year, but nothing got better and I was a basket case. fiddled around with dosage different ERT, including natural ones, I am sensitive to soy products so Revival was out... So I guess I went from good to HELP ME and it seemed without warning signs. I didn't have periods stopping letting me know OK it's starting. JUst WHAM...I am so sick of seeing doctors, so can't do what I use to do, the energy and desire has gone, :mad: Some say there is a big relief and they feel liberated, I feel the opposite, I feel entrapped in a body that is not functioning as usual. Not that I expect to be bouncing around like a 25yr old, but at least not have the restrictions on my poor body. I have sinced quite taking all ERT and just use Vit.E and Primrose Oil, and feel better for it, but still get headaches, which put a damper on wanting to do things. anyway this is just my life, I see that not everyone experiences , I also am a little resentful that I have 3 sisters, all within a year of my age and not one have any symptoms of starting Meno. that's what happens when you are the big sister....I guess, Linda:D

Linda After reading your post, if I swapped out your name and inserted mine, I could have written your post (except for the hysterectomy). I am trying to conjure up as much positive thinking as possible so that all of the symptoms don't bring me down as much as they have. It works some of the time but I'm trying to get it to work all of the time. Having P-S to validate what I'm going through is invaluable to me. Just remember, TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!

Well Ladies~~I can see a bit of me in each of your posts..I turned 50 in Oct. and since Nov. everything has changed so much. Before meno I had anxiety but not alot of physical problems..my periods were like clock work..then suddenly stopped..now the stomach problems..the low energy..itching..muscle problems..etc. I'm not one to go to doctors either..except the yearly trip..so now I'm trying to think positive and tell myself this is a process I am supposed to be going through..even though somedays it gets very hard to do~~ The one positive thing I see in myself is I am more assertive..I speak what I feel..unless it can hurt someone..but all of a sudden I think more about me than I used to...I'm important and that was something I never gave thought to before meno~ I wake each morning and want to experience new things..go new places..and really do take in the beauty in nature around me. Maybe it's just that I have more time now since my children are gone. I told my husband the other day that I just feel overwhelmed sometimes..there's so much to experience and at age 50 the clock is ticking away...and if I just had the energy to do it all!! I am so grateful for this board and all of you ladies who have given wonderful advice..a shoulder to cry on..and friendships that will always be. ~~Hugs To All~~

Peri has made me more vocal about defending my vulnerability. As my oldest sister stated, "you use to be so meek and mild." Well, for better, or for worse not these days. I can't stomach insensitivity!!!

Before meno started and now - interesting topic. I am 49 now, will be 50 halfway through this year, and in peri, still having regular periods, no skipping or anything,thougha little heavier, and having some night sweats and a couple of days of depression etc a month, but on the whole nothing too much to complain about. I have changed, a lot. I have more aches and pains, and periods seem to have more significance now - when will they end, will I have much clotting this month? etc etc, but I have changed in many other ways too. I am in many ways more confident, more sure of myself and care less what others think of me. I remember my Mum telling me that this happened as you got older, and now I see it to be true. I am more willing to try new things,and more intent on enjoying life. We are more than halfway through at this stage, presumably, so I want to enjoy this latter stage! I don't feel 'old' or even middle aged,and I want to make the most of the years left to me. Having lost 2 friends under 50 recently, I know the importance of living life, as we don't know how long we have, and we have a long old age, then all the better to look back on good times! Oh and the other thing about this is that I am more open with my feelings etc, cry more, when I need to, and am more affectionate with friends and family, so for me, I do not feel my changes have been negative ones, or that I have lost 'me', in many ways I feel that now I have found 'me' !!

Before meno i have suffered in chronic pain for over 20 yrs now ----- then comes peri which really pushed me over the edge in to fighting insanity. before i was hard to live with because of pain and now.---well now i am wondering which is worse.the pain or peri. the great thing is coming to this site and learning how to educate yourself and become a better person for it. My life has not really ever began. since coming to powersurge it finally is starting. I may be a real bitch at times but i am much more loving and not fake like i used to be. i really love this place. darling

I've read this board every since it's conception, however I have not posted because it will take more energy than I have at this point and time to post. I am thinking about it, and will post at some time in the future. This is a subject that takes quite a bit of thought and reflection. It's a very deep subject, is it not? It takes some thought to answer truthfully. Deb

darling, I so understand your struggle - I have had the bladder disorder interstitial cystitis for about 12 years, very painful, and limiting when it comes to doing things, going on trips, etc. To get the perimenopause with its headaches and anxiety and sleeplessness, etc., on top of this is too much! What keeps me going is believing that much of it will pass in time, that things will even out, and I'll get to be a happy crone with lots of good years left.

hi everyone, boy this is a great topic. i feel like a different person in some ways. i started my peri when i was 40 , im going to be 42 this month, and like alot of you , i didnt think about meno. at all except that it will happen when i get "old" and it would just be stopped periods. i was never a Dr. kind of person all my life and i was always very healthy except i would get a cold or flu once a year. ive had 7 children and i now have 4 grandchildren. i had all but one of my kids natural , no meds , because i have always fely that im a strong person and i can get thru anything. well when this all started i wasnt so sure about that any longer and it scared the heck out of me. in the beginning i started having panic attacks (full-blown) and i thought i was going to die! i didnt know what a panic attack was and i went to the ER 4 nights in a row! they sent me to see a psychiatrist the next day and put me on antidepressants which i couldnt take. anyway...i turned from being a very strong , capable independant person , into a scared little baby. i became dependant on my husband to do almost everything , like cooking , cleaning taking care of the kids... and me. i felt like i totally lost myself and i would never be myself again. i too became totally self-absorbed and it was all i could think about 24/7. i was going to the Dr. over and over for everything i felt happening in my body. i went to counselors and the whole time , i kept asking myself "what happened to me?" " this isnt me" i hated who i was and cried for my "old self" back. i also began saying things to everyone that i wouldnt ordinarily say. i was speaking my mind all the time. i dont take any crap from anyone anymore. i do think about taking care of my own needs ahead of others now , when before i never did. i felt guilty for doing it at first but now i do it when i feel i need to and everyone is just going to have to live with it. and they have accepted it and are actually ok with ti and understand. i should mention that my youngest kids are 3 and 6 year old boys. i believe having young children at this time in our lives adds to the difficulty of going thru this. but im here to tell you that im doing much better these days! i have gotten myself back (with a few added changes)and im just starting my own business! just last month i never would have imagined i would be doing this. i havent even been able to work a part-time job since this all started. i think that what has turned things around for me was starting to take 5-HTP. I started taking it last month and almost immediatly things started to change for me. ive been using a prescription strength progesterone cream for almost a year and i havent had one single panic attack since. but when i added the 5-HTP , thats when i started feeling like myself again. i doubt very much that im close to being thru this nightmare but if i continue feeling like i do now thru to the end ill be fine. i feel like theres sooo much more i could say but im afraid this is already too long and i feel like ive been babbeling. good luck to all of you. sudio

Wow, this is a great site. Thank you. It's really been helpful. My peri started last year right after my father died of pancreatic cancer. That was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. You are never prepared to lose someone you love in such an ugly way. I began my peri one night sitting at my computer. I got this whoosh feeling in my head. I now know that my thyroid completely wigged out. My thyroid level was 28.9 when normal level is 2.0-4.0. I got that taken care of with meds but I still get a balance problem, dizzy, brain fog and panick attacks. My doctor put me on anti-depressant for that but they only exacerbated the problem. I started taking remifemin and it seems to help except dduring my cycle. It's scary to have all these symptoms and to worry about them. After reading some of the posts here I feel like I have all the symptoms possible. It sure does help to know that other women are experiencing same things. I've changed alot. I don't take any crap from anyone anymore but I'm also more caring towards my family and friends and coworkers. There are days when I get crashing fatigue. I was always pretty active before doing aerobics and such. Now, I feel so lightheaded alot that I feel like there is no way I can jump around. Consequently, I have put on 20 lbs. and feel really fat and ugly. Thanks for this site and I plan on visiting some of the live chats.Text

Hi, Drea - welcome to Power Surge. you'll love it here I just wanted to let you know that there's a chat tonight (and every Monday night) at 9:00 PM eastern to discuss weight issues. I'm sure after attending you'll start feeling better about yourself. Dearest has also had lots of weight experts in the Power Surge Guest Chat series. Names such as:

• Robert Atkins, M.D. (Cardiologist, Nutritionist, the Atkins Diet)
• Denise Austin (exercise)
• Lissa DeAngelis, (Nutritionist, Healthy Eating)
• Enid Fox, (Fitness)
• Michael Friedman, (Weight Watchers™ Leader)
• Michael Fumento, (Weight Issues)
• Monique N. Gilbert, (Healthy Eating)
• Larrian Gillespie, M.D., (Menopause Diet)
• Ann Louise Gittleman, (Nutritionist)
• Julia Griggs Havey, (Weight Loss)
• Lisa Hoffman, (Fitness)
• Betty Kamen, Ph.D., (Nutritionist)
• Dr. Denise Lamothe, (Compulsive/Eating Issues)
• John McDougall, M.D., (Physician, Diet, the McDougall Diet)
• Dr. Linda Ojeda, (Psychologist, Nutritionist)
• Rochelle Rice, (Exercise for Real Women)
• Dr. Howard Shapiro, (Holistic Weight Loss)
• Barry Simon, M.D., (Psychiatrist, Weight Issues)
• Kathy Smith, (Exercise Specialist)

These previous guests all have one or more transcripts available in the Power Surge Transcript Library. The doctor from the South Beach diet will be attending soon, too, as well as many other experts. You can see that we really talk about weight issues here - you're not alone! See the schedule of other upcoming chats here: Power Surge Guest Chat Schedule. When you attend, there's often a give-away of some type - books, soy chips, vitamins, who knows? There's a list of various give-away items on that same schedule. Welcome aboard - you're really not alone anymore!

Wow, I can't believe we all sound so similar - it is somewhat comforting. It would be great to hear from the ones who made it out of this okay and are back to some sort of "normal". I want to know that things are going to be better! I also was happy, healthy, athletic and full of energy. I was the one who was always arranging activities. I was the one at work that got everything done. I was the one who was always perky. I never went to a Dr. except for annual physicals. Then when I was almost 41 - perimenopause hit me. Of course I didn't know what it was - also went to the hospital with anxiety attacks, etc. - even went to Mayo Clinic. They also put me on antidepressants which never really worked and had lots of side effects. They said I must have had some sort of virus that caused the problems - ha! Since I have been to lots of doctors, a psychiatrist and a counselor. Most agree its hormones - but don't have a magic solution to cure me. I have been trying natural HRT - but am still on an emotional roller coaster a lot of the time. I may try antidepressants again. I still try to keep my life somewhat normal - but most people know I am going through a bad time. I do believe that this will get better!! But I would really like to know when!! I haven't given up yet!!

Boone I find myself saying alot - gee I could have written that post. I too never went to a doctor except for annual exams. This past year (just prior to and immediately after I turned 50), I have seen my internist more than I care to admit and have been to the emergency room once (that's once more than my entire life prior to being 50) all thanks to periomenopause. You'd think that we would learn to know that that this is what it is but it always seems worse while we're going through the symptoms. Anxiety and hypochondria (which leads to my anxiety) seem to be my worst symptoms. I never used to be like this. I actually laughed last night and it felt good. I can't believe I hadn't felt that for awhile. I am grateful that I am surrounded by a supportive husband and a sister (who has already been through this) who thinks I'm slightly crazy:o None of us should give up and as long as we have each other on P-S, we will survive! Take care, EJ

HAHAHAHAHA! Thank goodness for progress! lol

To Sudio: Honey, if you have had 7 children, all but one naturally, you get my admiration and applause! Holey Moley! And 4 grandkids to boot! There's no question but that you've certainly worked hard - raising ONE child just about did me in. With a 3 and a 6 year old, you've still got some "working" years ahead of you, but your attitude sounds great, bless your heart. Starting your own business? Lordy, where did you find the time?

I really appreciate knowing that I am not alone with these things that are going on. I was wondering if anyone had heard about msm and whether or not it could help with meno symptoms. It seems like it helps with alot of other things, so I was just wondering if anyone else had tried it.

What a great thread, Dearest! I was confident--now I have many not so confident days I was artistic, now I have artists block. I was mealy mouthed and said what people wanted to hear--now I speak the truth, though usually as tactfully as poss. I had mild PMS; now I have wild PMS moods and all-month-long mood swings. I was never very materialistic, but now I am not at all materialistic and see what really matters in life. I am less shallow. I would not trade all the slimness of body, and fairness of youthful face for all the knowledge and self-possession I have now. I was a more immedaite gratificationist;now I know how to wait and see how life unfolds and what awaits according to the 'grand plan' or whatever your spiritual thinking is. I got angry and resentful more. Now I know how to be patient and somewhat amused by annoying people. I cared what people thought. WHAT was I thinking? I knew that someday perimenopause was inevitable--I saw how my mother (who is only 18 years older than I and it seems as though she just completed meno) had it and I swore---I'M not gonna! My body is having the last laugh. But I am determined to come out of this more whole than I went in.

well "after" is looking pretty darn good at the moment - not sure if it's after meno or after relationship??? what came first - the chicken or the egg???

Before premeno, I knew my body so well. I knew the day I was going to start my period...I knew when I ovalated to the min. I knew the time that I could get pregnant. And both times I got pregnant I knew right away. Even went to my Dr. and he said oh how could you know so fast...so we did a blood test at 3 weeks I think, and sure enough I was..the whole office was cracking up. I feel things very deep, and I loved being pregnant. Well now being in the mist of premeno, I think the hardest thing is I feel deep, but feel so out of control with my body, not knowing when I will start my periods, moods, burning, major heavy periods, you name it. As I said in another post, I hope through better understanding and education of menopause, I can better understand my inner self again, and understand what I am feeling deep...Instead of the roller coaster I have been on now for too long.. I am Thankful for this site.....

I'm with you, annarose and virgomom. It's a bit like looking at this body and thinking, "What the heck is it going to do next?" I too loved the sense of being sure of it - it provided, I guess, a false sense of control. But there is a greater wisdom that comes of just letting things be, observing, trying to remain optimistic. Thanks for being there, you-all! Don't know what I'd do without you.

I was updating the welcome letter a couple of weeks ago and suddenly found myself writing how it feels/felt so often since starting perimenopause . . . "Sometimes it feels as though I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually trying to pull myself through the eye of a needle." Dearest