Clarity & Wisdom vs. Irrational Rage? Yes. I am distressed, confused, angry, disappointed and hurt by what my wife has become, what our marriage has become, and I wonder, constantly, is this the way it is supposed to be, or is there really another way? Other than (me) taking a Stepford Husband pill? Usually, now, regarding a dispute (with me), my wife calls her increasingly blunt, insensitive opinions (about me) a "clarity" derived from the "wisdom of menopause." Her anger and fury (towards me), a reaction to (my) problems which frustrate her and, as she puts it, causes menopause to kick in and make her angry-to-insane with rage (directed at me). How can a husband differentiate between "menopausal inspired truth" and "menopausal induced obsurdity?" And why are husbands treated so abusively when a wife's co-workers and grown children (who behave far worse than the husband) are never treated to such behavior?

Hi. Sorry to hear about the trouble that you and your wife are having. Not sure that my post is so brilliant, but I can really relate to the problems that you are having. Rage is not wisdom, menopausal or otherwise, in my opinion. Also it is so destructive of relationships. The way that perimenopause and menopause seem to work is that the symptoms increase to a crescendo at the point that the periods cease and then subside over time. This is an average situation. So I suggest that menopausal wisdom comes *after* menopause. There is a forum for men to post on here, it is not used too much. Also I have posted about a book which talks about the effects of hormone changes on the brain in another forum. Anyway understanding is one thing and it is good that you (and perhaps your wife) are seeking understanding. One perspective and possibility follows. Your wife is likely in grave distress and if you have been emotionally intimate prior to this period she will likely be letting you see what is inside her. How to put up the emotional wall enough to protect other people from seeing what is inside us when that is hurtful and destructive is a question. There will be a emotional wall between your wife and the others besides yourself. From another perspective the way that she is behaving towards you is not healthful for you, perhaps even emotionally abusive. Some ideas here. I am quite willing to discuss this further with you. A good therapist might be able to work out a plan of action with the two of you. I really have to say in closing though that your wife is going through a time when her mind, emotions, and whole body, even whole being, may be gravely off balance. That happens to some women. She may need some time to heal and come to her senses. That situation needs to be understood and taken into account during therapy. Hope this helps.

This is something I have feared in myself. I would go to any length to avoid becoming the screaming lunatic that my mother was when she went through the change. I do not think it is okay to behave this way in the home, any more than it is to behave this way outside. My rule is that if you wouldn't act this way with others present, why is it okay to do it around your husband and your kids? I am sorry to read that men have to live with women who have become so out of control. Menopause does not have to be this bad. There are remedies out there, some better than others. Women should find what works for them, and if they don't know what it is at first, keep trying. Just because it's your family doesn't mean you can just behave any way you like with no thought to consequences. You indeed CAN create, with your behavior, the atmosphere that fosters unhappiness leading to divorce. Your family is not some huge punching bag to absorb your venting. And while your husband can move out and get away from you, your kids just suffer. When I was in perimenopause a few years ago, the concept was still fairly new, or at least I had never heard of "perimenopause." Anyhow, my husband mentioned to me that I seemed more irritable. I asked him if this was a recent thing, and he said it seemed to be the case lately all the time. This bothered me, and I focused on the behavior. About this time, I started to have hot flashes and other problems. I went to the doctor and she said my blood work looked like I would be starting menopause. I received a prescription for HRT, took it for a month or two, felt better, then found out about this website and started Revival Soy and stopped the HRT. Now my husband and my daughter agree that I am calmer and more peaceful than I've been in some time. My mother was hell to live with most of the time, screaming, throwing things, or picking fights with family members when things got too quiet. I always vowed that I would not be a victim of my hormones like she was. So far, I think I'm doing okay.

With all due respect to the positive choices and changes some of you have discussed, I'd like to share my feelings about anger experienced during perimenopause. Would it were so that this question had a simple answer. I am looking over these comments and feeling an emotional tug-of-war as to how to respond. Having gone through a very difficult perimenopause and experienced all the emotions women do including the anger and rage written about here, it resonates loud and clear to me. However, knowing that during my perimenopausal years, there were times I felt transformed from a previously reasonable and logical person into an angry and frightened one. I am not quick to fault the woman going through this because I'm fully aware of the depth of emotion involved with this transition. I am also not quick to fault the woman because they don't exist in a vacuum. Menopause doesn't happen in a vacuum. Everything a woman experiences prior to her perimenopausal years is only exacerbated by menopause -- and everyone she's interacted with in her private life isn't always totally innocent and, in part, may be the catalyst of these outbursts. Menopause seems to take on a character all its own. Women suddenly feel betrayed by their bodies. They feel vulnerable, no longer in complete control of their emotions, pushed and pulled by the ebb and flow of hormones. How can anyone NOT react with frustration and anger? I remember once describing what I was feeling while going through perimenopause: "I feel like I'm physically and emotionally trying to pull myself through the eye of a needle."™ I don't think anyone can believe that a perimenopausal woman wants to go through such intense bouts of anger or rage. At the same time, such behavior shouldn't be excused as becoming enlightened by the wisdom of menopause. This is not enlightenment. This can be very traumatic to a woman, AND as uncomfortable as it is to the person on the receiving end, it's 10x as uncomfortable to the woman who's feeling this degree of anger. Furthermore, this type of intense anger isn't generally shown to the sales clerk in a department store, or the postman -- but, unfortunately, as the song goes, to the people who are closest to us - family and, yes, probably more often her spouse than anyone else. I'd also like to repeat something I've said many times and truly believe, I don't think marital problems suddenly develop because of hormone imbalance. Menopause doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm sure there may be exceptions, but I believe a marriage that's been one of sharing, friendship, compassion and understanding between two loving people for years doesn't suddenly turn sour and fall apart because of menopause, no matter how difficult the experience for both parties. I don't often talk about my personal life, but it may be helpful to others going through this. In my case, my anger was directed toward one person - my father. The intense rage I felt every time I came into contact with him was something I'd quasi-repressed for many years. My father, at 94 today, is still the most self-absorbed, stubborn, pigheaded person I've ever known. I watched him for years verbally denigrate my mother. I addressed these issues with him over the years prior to perimenopause, but when I was in the throes of perimenopause, the emotional portals were thrown wide open and I had zero tolerance for his selfish ways. I believe what happens to women as they go through these roller-coaster years is that they come face to face with the demons they've been living with, perhaps since childhood. Imagine having to suddenly cope with hormone levels rising and falling every day affecting every fibre of our being, causing physical discomfort, causing a sense of emotional and spiritual separation from the rest of the world. These feelings often cause women to isolate -- and despite the fact that many may think that isolation is bad, I personally think it's the most useful time to work through these feelings, learn relaxation and breathing techniques, find something to distract themselves from their pain and confusion. Having run this community for 10 years and communicated with more women then I could begin to count, I'm keenly aware of the extreme difficulties many women go through in coping with anger. When I was aware that I had shown inappropriate anger, I apologized. I even remember waking up some mornings feeling angry. I had no idea what it was I was angry about, but I could feel the anger inside. I didn't want to feel angry. I was often overwhelmed and overcome by these feelings. When the anxiety and anger became too much for me to bear, I sought counseling. With everything counselling has to offer, it isn't always a cureall, but it can enlighten a woman and provide strategies to cope with those out of control feelings (strategies other than murdering her spouse) . I really think counseling is essential if a woman hopes to work through the real underlying problems that are exacerbating the anger associated with hormonal imbalance and making her life (and those around her) unmanageable. If it's any consolation, that extreme anger and rage does pass. For me, it lasted about a year. It may last longer for other women, but I believe the most important thing we need to do is to show compassion, understanding, support -- try to talk to her calmly, hug her, let her know you understand and above all else, keep uppermost in your mind that she does not want to feel this way -- and she won't - forever. Dearest