I am fairly new here and have been reading through the boards off and on for 3 days. I am post menapause for over a year now. I haven't been to a Dr. because I can't afford it and I really haven't had bad symptoms. Plus my hubby has had medical problems so all the money goes towards that. besides the hot flash's, plucking chin hair, insomnia, tiredness and wieght gain it hasn't been much different then when I had a period. I have always had the mood swings and bouts of feeling anxiaty to the point that I have to force myself to set foot out of the door. I am just coming out of a very grumpy month. My sister has had it really rough. SHe got to the point where she was cutting herself. And has almost just cut herself off from the family. She has good friends that are her world now and medication is helping her. I feel lucky so many of you are going through some very tough times. My theme song has been "only women bleed" since I first heard it many years ago. So many of us suffer in silence because we are usually the tie that binds our families. We have had to put ourselves aside to take care of the children. We have learned to cook and clean and kiss away fears and hurts through bouts of illness. I get so mad at my hubby cause if I had low back pain because thats what women get occassionally and said something it is like every pain you have I can out hurt you. I know he suffers but darn it let me complain once without guilt. I stand up to him but we women cannot help feeling guilty if we complain no matter how strong we are. I have suffered tinnitus and memory lapses since I was in my 30's because of having accustic neroma (beniegn brain tumer). My husband has it now and what a baby(tinnitus)!!!! I never complained about how irratating it was and how it effected my social life along with being deaf in that ear. I don't know where I am going with all this.......I guess I am just rambling because of my anti social problems I haven't anyone to talk with. Between 2000 and 2002 I lost 2 Grand daughters. One stillborn and one that lived 20 days. Thats when I lost what was left of my social ties. We had also 4 other deaths in those 2 years. Even my sister said to me, 6 months after losing last granddaughter and was at my mothers for step-dads funeral, anyway we were shopping and a song came on that was played at one of their memorials I said this is Lily's song and her reply was that I needed to get over it. That is the day I really learned to shut up. I want to appologize for rambling but I won't cause that is what you are all here for aand One weakness I have to get over........appologizing for what pain I have weather its physical or mental. Good luck to you all and God bless.

Hey Jan! Welcome to Power Surge! You certainly don't have to appologize in here for rambling! We consider it good for you, and by the sound of it you are waaay overdue..... Soooo rant and rave as much as you want and get it all off your chest, off your mind, down your arms and out the tips of your fingers and send all that build up out into cyber space.....and let it goooooo. We'll look after you and help you look after yourself

Hi Jan52: Please don't stop talking to people. Everyone is different in how they handle grief - you are *entitled* to do it your way. Some people you will be able to talk to and others not. I think you should stop talking about Lily to that sister, unless she shows that she is up to it another time. What song reminded you of Lily? My name (WhiteHorses) partly reminds me of my dearly beloved sister who passed away. I will never forget her. Jimi, I hope that applies to me too. ;)

Jan......... Ramble onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Ramble until the tears come, until you want to just hit something, and ramble when you are just too tired to keep rambling. Ramble until every single cotton-picking thing you can ramble about HAS been rambled about. And when you think you MIGHT be finished rambling.....FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO RAMBLE ABOUT!! We'll be here. Always.

LOLOLOLOLOL Leanne - rambling rose..... ~~~absolutely whitehorses.

Thank you ladies you are all so kind. I hardly ever talk to my sisters. They all live over 100 mi. away from me. That is what hurt so much when she made the remark to me when I mentioned lily's song. Which by the way is Angels Among Us. I learned a long time ago that it is dangerouse territory to talk about your problems to much. No one knows I think of our 2 babies almost everyday, maybe thats because I see my daughter and her husband everyday, also big sister Chloe and their brand new baby Kaden. I watch Kaden everyday as she is in school and so is Chloe. I think I am more protective of Kaden then they are. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him because of any small neglect on my part. I am so proud of my daughter and how she has openly handled her loss's. It wasn't 3 months after losing her last daughter Carsyn that her best friend from high school lost her 2 young babies in a fire. Thinking of this and our other loss's we suffered during that time it is a wonder any of us have our sanity. Whitehorse I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose someone. What keeps me going is knowing they are in a better place, it is us that are left behind that suffer. Thanks again ladies. I hope things get better for you all.

......How ya doin Jan52? Feeling better I hope. . Just checkin up on you.

Hi Jan, I am sorry for your lost and my prayers goes out to you. I know what you are talking about with your sister. I have been under a lot of stress for 2 months. When I called my sister just for some encouragement she sent up a prayer for me. In the prayer to God she called me and a family member a basket case. It hurt my feelins and I cried anoher 3 days. Some times you just need someone to talk to that want judge you or make you feel worst. I am so glad to be able to share my feelings to people that understand. So you be encouraged and keep talking because it will make you feel better. Take care of yourself. DeniseT

Jan, Your sister sounds insensitive. You have every right to grieve, for as long as needed. Sometimes I think certain people are afraid of feelings, as they can certainly be painful. This is a safe place to express yourself. So sorry for your loss.

Jan, I play for a busy jazz band and have not had the time to spend reading these boards..I miss it, because I am suffering in postmenopause and feel my body is breaking down since I stopped HRT. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an extraordinarily wonderful human being and I know where you come from when you describe your feeling about sharing your pain to the family members. I have been the "caretaker" person in my family for a long time and it is a thankless job. (I also have a sister like yours.) I have come to the conclusion that their refusal to recognize the extraordinary benefit which has been theirs through your efforts is a kind of denial because they are scared to death to think of what they would do without you. In my case, I think my body is suffering in a number of ways without the hormones which makes everything more difficult. I have developed vitreous detachment in one eye, I have developed ringing in my ears, and right now my neck and shoulder muscles are pulling after I painted my bedroom with a brush. Your husband sounds a lot like mine. I told my husband once that if I complained that my ovaries hurt, he would claim that his hurt, also. I think this kind of verbal denial is a way to evade the responsibility they need to be showing when we suffer. If they deny that we suffer, then nothing is required of them. Hang in there, Jan. The good times in life ebb and flo, like the tide. I find a lot of strength in prayer.

" If they deny that we suffer, then nothing is required of them." ~ BethanyLee Interesting thought. I have run into this also. Glass house. The power of prayer, faith, and taking refuge in nature are what get me through. I hope you all find what you need and/or want for your journey, to make it special for you. Love and peace, nj

My sister is just the same. She flew off on a holiday break less than a week after my Dad died while I was just mush for nearly a year. Busy yourself, don't think about it and get on with it is her thinking. We all have different ways of coping I suppose...

Good advice, Newjournies and Alice 3. Our newspaper this a.m. had on it's front page a photo of Nancy Reagan with her head resting on the casket of the President. Above it was another photo of her with a minister, with unbelieveable grief etched on her face. I took a moment to thing of all she has gone through over these years and I just asked God to comfort her. That is what we ladies do for one another, whether our politics are the same or not, we are women and we understand that our burdens on this earth beginning with childbirth are unique to our gender. We survive the best when we can share our grief and our joy. My prayer for everyone today is that someone will be there to do that with you.

How beautiful, Bethany... Thanks for sharing. Jacquie