good afternoon everyone. this is my first time here and after searching the net for "support" in sxual dysfunction in women, and seeing every advertisement under the sun for things that would "help" me i decided that maybe just writing and then hoping someone on the outside could help me sort this all out. I don't kow how much of this is relevant to the current situation, but i will give you a summary of my "life". I am 39, about to hit the big "40" but not concerned about that in the least. I had a complete hysterectomy 2 plus years ago, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix all removed, not on HRT and have no desire to go on it. Issue is....i have in the past always been very sexual. previous partner and i were very compatible in that regard, had never experienced things before in the sexual area that i did with him, and was satisfied all the time with him. That relationship ended and i have been in a "new" relationship for almost two years now. Libido is not there. Some history on the two of us is that early on in the relationship he was intimate with another woman, that hit the core of me and still hurts me greatly when i relive it..it ihas never been let go, he brings it up and i instantly flash back to that time,,,,I can't stress enough the hurt that i feel, It gets "brought up" because the other woman is my coworker and boss at work...and was my best freind for 10 years prior to this incident..i know " some best friend"..anyway. My parnter and i have come to a place where i know he has no desire to be with any other women, that he loves me, and i him, alot of hashing out between us had to occur before i got to the place where i believe him when he says he won't be with any other woman again. but in the intimacey area i just can not have an orgasm...it frustrates me, i have said this to him, he says it is our issue,,but it seems to be my issue because when i tell him what i need as far as forplay etc goes he doesn't change anything and things remain the status quo for him. it is as if " he is fine and if i don't like who and how he is i can leave" some back ground on him is that he was always made out to be the bad guy in his marriage,.....always did wrong, and could never be good enough ...he left that relationship and there are no regrets for having done so, but the angst of always for 25 years being told that you aren't good enough by the woman that is your wife has remained with him and it gets projected to me, so i veer away from that whole thing.. I am stuck. to not have the satisfaction that i need and desire in my life on the sexual front is hard for me, It is a big part of whom i am, and he knew that when he met me, yet he doesn't seem to want to do anything to nurture that part of me and so i find myself here typing away. I get upset and depressed just thinking about it all. so...any conversation and words would be helpful to me..give me guidance.

wilken, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time in this important area. I don't know how much help I can give you, but I will certainly give you some thoughts. The first thing that jumped out at me from your post is that you had a total hysterectomy with removal of your ovaries and you have never been on any replacement hormones. That's a rather amazing thing since your body was thrown into immediate surgical menopause and that can give you some pretty intense symptoms. You didn't say in your post, were you not EVER given any hormones, even right after surgery? If so, your body went through a pretty big shock. If I'm understanding it right, you had the surgery, your previous relationship ended, then you entered the new relationship. I think there may be many things contributing to the sexual problem. I can tell you are frustrated with your partner's seeming lack of regard for your satisfaction. That in itself can cause you to not be able to respond to him. Also, I think there could definitely be a hormonal component involved. I know that some women report a decrease in sexual function after a hysterectomy. Lack of estrogen can also contribute to vaginal dryness, which is another factor. Was there ever a time after your surgery that you know you were able to orgasm? Or have you been unable to at all since then? Did you have a good libido after healing from your surgery? Also, I don't blame you for wanting to avoid synthetic hormones, but there are natural hormones that don't have as many risks as synthetic HRT. I know that your partner has issues with his previous relationship, but he needs to realize that you are not his ex, and that you have needs that he should be more sensitive to. He sounds kind of selfish to me with his attitude of "this is how I am, if you don't like it, you can leave". That's not nice at all. Unfortunately, I don't think that's uncommon with some men. As long as their needs are met, everything's ok and the woman's lack of satisfaction is "her problem". Would he consider couple's counseling? I mean, you've told him what you need in the area of foreplay but it sounds like he's unwilling to comply. Also, if you haven't already, talking to your dr may be in order but unfortunately, not all of them are too sympathetic in this area. Maybe one of the other gals here might have some better advice but please know you're not alone and there are people who care. And talking about it does help. Sending (((hugs))) your way.

i went through two years of cancer,,to the final result of the hystrectomy..my previous lover and i were together through all of it, and after it as well....our intimacy before and after the surgery was wonderful. I miss that. There was a few months between the ending of that relationship to my current relationship. One thing that i have found and i will be maybe too graphic for this sight, and if so then someone can warn me i hope..but i just like caressing, firmness more,,since my surgery my whole sensation and response thing is not what it was. He ( my current lover) just does the same ol same old even though i have tried to introduce new ways. I was on cenestin shortly after my surgery... I was at my partners recovering and i got out of bed one day and stood there and didn't know what to do next..i was so scattered, my abdomanal muscles hurt so much that i was torn between a shower or bed. I did both..but that day i called the dr and they gave me the cenestian ( a soy based estrogen supplement. i did it for just a little while till the scatteredness disappeared. another BIGGER piece to not being on HRT is that there is breast cancer in my family and i am predisposed to having that as well,,, he won't do counseling with me, least i say he won't, but maybe he will surprise me..maybe he won't again say listen if you r aren't happy then there is the door. i touch upon emotional stuff and then we hit walls becasue he feels like he is living with the ex. i am if anything NOT like the ex.. I am well educated, have the abibilty to not rely normally on others to make a decision,,,,again i am feeling deressed and lost and tomorrow i know i will have to air this out....it is our anniversary on the 18th, it would be nice to have it behind us.

Bless your heart for all you have been through! It's no wonder you are feeling so down. I think one thing that is making this extra hard is that there seems to be such a vast difference in the intimacy level between your past and current relationship and, of course, you are missing that now. I hope I didn't sound too harsh in my previous post when referring to your man, it just seemed like he was not being very loving toward you, in not being willing to even try some of the things you suggested but instead wanted to just continue "as usual". Men seem to have a hard time talking about emotional things and it's SO frustrating. I know that, because of your medical history, you have to be extremely careful with hormones. But, have you ever talked to your dr about trying some testosterone cream? I don't have personal experience with it, but there is lots of information on this site about it and I've heard it can do wonders for libido and sexual response. You only use a small amount of it and it's applied directly to the area involved. Maybe someone with firsthand experience with it will post their thoughts. Please know that you're in my thoughts and feel free to come to these boards and vent. I've been going through some difficulty over the last year and the women here are wonderful. There is also another forum here that is devoted to depression, as well as another one called Relationships at Midlife that deals with many issues we face. I'm glad you found Power Surge