This'll prolly be a bit lengthy, but background is needed - and so is advice!I am a 22 year old, female only child.  My mother just turned 50, and is all I had growing up in a single parent household, so I love her dearly and hate to see her so miserable.  I have graduated from college, have had a rewarding, steady relationship for years, and plan on moving to another state (or possibly country) in about two years because I crave travel and yearn to see the world.  The problem is, my mom is very sedentary.  She feels no draw to move or travel outside of her home, and see's my free-spiritedness as an attack on her - as if I am trying to get away from her.  This both hurts and offends me because that is not my intent at all, and I feel she cares not to know who I really am.  Which brings me to how very different we are.  She has very little formal education, and is a fanatical Christian - she believes everything she is told by her church blindly and cares not at all to learn anything about actual theology or evolution.  I am an agnostic - I do not claim that I know God exists, or He does not exist.  I am generally unreligious, but very conscientious about what is right or wrong, good or evil.  I care deeply for my fellow man, have a very soft sopt for all 4-legged creatures, and practice the golden rule at all times.  I am constantly bombarded by her attempts to "Save my soul" and each time she tries to get me to go to church with her, it drives a larger wedge between us.  I want to see my mother live a fulfilling life.  But I know she is not because at least twice a week she calls me to tell me that she is "So depressed" or "So Lonely" and she misses me and wants to see me more often.  When I hang up from these phones calls (and she must talk to me twice a day.  At least once or something is WRONG! in her opinion) I feel terrible.  But then I always come to the conclusion that I only have one life.  And since I have not completely and blindly sold myself on the idea of eternal life, I feel that I only have about 50-70 more years on the planet and should do what it is that I am passionate about.  I want to travel and learn other languages.  I want to experience other cultures!  America isn't the only way of life and I want to experience the way other people see things.  But the day I go I know she will sit, alone and cry.  I refuse to believe that it is my responsibility to live my daily life by someone elses constraints.  But yet I know that my mother sits, alone crying.  I yearn for her to become more educated.  To question everything, and learn about what is really happening on our earth.  But I also do not want to be facist and tell her to live the way I do because then I would be a hypocrite.  These feelings have been inside of me for years ever since I went away to college and she called me lonely and crying - keeping me up all night worrying, compromising my test scores...So i suppose my question is this: How do I encourage my mother to be alive?  To come out of her sheltered little bubble and learn what is it that makes her truly happy and pursue it.  How do I show her that she perpetuates her own misery?  How do I remind her of the time she was 22 and wanted to take the wheel and drive her own life, independantly.By the way, yes I am completely financially independant of my mother, because Im sure many would wander :)But in the mean time, both of us are unhappy, and I feel that a little worldy exposure could show her that the world is more than the petty problems that weigh so heavily on her.  I need her to know that I want to live, and that I love her and want to see her happy and living for herself, not clawing and grasping to keep me in her sight at all times.  This is empty nest syndrome taken a bit too far and I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting to do great things with my life all over the world - not in the same city I have always lived in every day of my life!  Please give me some advice.  I take pride in being able to step back and put myself into my moms shoes, but I think I am right on this one and need help with the words to use - without depressing her even more.  Thanks all.

Oh, my goodness, what a difficult choice you have to make

As a mother of a child not much younger than you, I've had to face some of the issues that your mother is going through now - including lonliness and depression, thinking that my life has no more meaning.

In all honesty, I would have to suggest that you go about your own life, being as pleasant as possible to your mom, sending her frequent letters or emails from your travels.  She does have a computer, doesn't she?  If not, maybe you could find a way to get her one and show her how to get here to Power Surge.  She'd have lots of instant friends and would probably be too busy reading, posting and chatting to even notice that you're gone.

About the religion - I think that at this time in our lives when many of us become more spiritual as a way of dealing with the prospect of getting older.  Is your mom doing that or has she always been like this?

On a practical note - could you invest in a caller ID and an answering machine - and just not answer every time that she calls?  She wouldn't have to know that you were home, screening your callers.

I know that this must be a difficult time for both of you.  I can certainly relate to all that your mom is going through at this time, but she should be coming out of the menopause-induced depression in a while.  Has she seen a doctor to see if there's something more serious than menopause going on to cause this sadness?  Counselling might do her a world of good.  

Also, if you can swing it, show her how to get here and to the main Power Surge site - http://www.power-surge.com  I think that she'll feel a lot better if she can see that she's not alone in her feelings and can vent all she wants with us here

Even if she doesn't have a computer, most libraries have them to use, recreation centers usually have classes.  Maybe she could take one of those and make some new friends and get outside herself a little more.

Best of luck to you both!

Tough one for sure, but I think MaryO has said most of what I'd also advise. You have to live your own life and I think when your mom gets over menopause she will be glad you did. It's very hard to let your children go , but just tell her what you have told us. That you love her dearly , and thank her for bringing you up to want to enjoy the world. She must have been a good mom to produce such a caring daughter. :)Hope you work things out , you both sound like very nice people.hugs, jeanne

My dear Friend!!!

You've really touched a soft spot for me here!!  My Mom is very much the same.First let me just say that I am a Christian.....SO is Mom.

When I was 24 years old....I had just married my husband......shortly thereafter we moved out of the country for 3 years.I'm an only child.......my Mom is divorced and she DIDN'T want me to go!!After returning back to Canada to this day.......she still clings to me....tries to control me!  "That was 30 years ago."I never regretted the move........Mom to this day, still hangs on!!  Even though we are both Christian.....she has emotional insecurites.......fears.......some loneliness, (of her own  choosing)!!I'm 55yrs. old....she is 77!  I too strongly believe in the Golden Rule!!  I absolutely am passionate about all animals!  Love them!!

The one thing, (as a Christian) I will not do is......try and FORCE my views on anyone, especially an adult, such as yourself!  Or..... my one and ONLY child.......my own son!!  He's not a church goer or religious. He's the Golden Rule type.....has a good insight of right and wrong.......but I would "never", go out of my way to try and "Save his soul,"  if you will! He's a grown man......I believe we all have FREEWILL...with accountabilty!!  It's HIS choice what he does with his life!!  He knows my position......he knows where I stand!!  I would never do to him what my Mom tried to do with me...CONTROL and MANIPULATE!I LOVE my Mom!!  I too wish she would live a more fulfilling live. Saying she is a Christian doesn't mean she knows what's best!!!  I had to find out for myself.....and so does my son!!  "THAT IS LOVE"......allowing my son to find out what is best for him....not something or someway that is more suited to me or my religion!!

You said, "I refuse to believe that it is my responsibility to live my daily life by someone elses constraints."That is your right!!!  You are an adult!!

If you go out of your way to encourage your Mom to live a life more free, and reasonable.....more alive......she could see that as...."hypocritical!" She could see that as what you see her doing!!  My Mom felt threatened by my attempts to live a life of my own...........she still does!!!!  I don't think she'll ever change!!  She wants me to always be near her....to live according to her values, (sound familiar?).....that is more suited to HER not me!!!Since we are both Christian...she will/has used that as a tool to try and force me...........sadly.............it didn't work!

Your Mom is 50 years old......younger than I am!!  She still has a lot of living to do.......but she needs to decide how to go about that as you do for yourself!!Unfortunalely a little "tough Love," here may be necessary!!   It was for me.....when I left Mom to persue my own goals and with my son.  

I know it's hard.......it sure was for me!!  My Mom did a lot of crying........still does!!  I couldn't tell Mom to let go.....I had to let go of her!!  Her tears.....her phone calls.......her name calling.......her attempts to manipulate me into a better Christian......that's NOT her job!! That is between God and myself!!My dear friend what I am trying to say here is, "you may have to walk away for awhile.....let her know you'll be there for her....with the understanding that you are an individual!!  You may be surprised and find she will come around a lot sooner than my Mom ever did!!  My son and I have a great relationship!!I wish you all the best.......I didn't mean to write such a lengthy response.....but like I said, "you really touched a soft spot for me."

Take Care................... Love Nancy

Hi Terri. I think that MaryO gave excellent, compassionate advise.

In my own experience, however, all of the help and advise I offered my mother fell on deaf ears. I finally figured out that people do not change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.  I felt guilty and sad for years because she was always so unhappy (what kind of daughter would be happy when her mother is so unhappy, I thought). I honestly wish now that I'd never wasted a minute worrying about her--it was completely pointless.

Parents owe it to their children to let them go. It sounds like she has made you her life, but YOU are your life. With hindsight, I would live exactly how I wanted to with no regrets. Of course, this does not mean not treating your mother with the utmost compassion and love. But she has no right to insist that you live any other way than how your own unique personality determines you should.

Good luck.

In all honesty, I think the biggest issue lies within this paragraph from your message:

But in the mean time, both of us are unhappy, and I feel that a little worldy exposure could show her that the world is more than the petty problems that weigh so heavily on her.  I need her to know that I want to live, and that I love her and want to see her happy and living for herself, not clawing and grasping to keep me in her sight at all times.  This is empty nest syndrome taken a bit too far and I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting to do great things with my life all over the world - not in the same city I have always lived in every day of my life!  Please give me some advice.  I take pride in being able to step back and put myself into my moms shoes, but I think I am right on this one and need help with the words to use - without depressing her even more.  Thanks all.

There's an old expression, "You don't know what a man has gone through until you've walked a mile in his shoes." No matter how honorable your intentions, I don't think you can really put yourself in her shoes. My gut feeling is that her daughter's growing up and living her own life is only a small part of the problem, but because you and she have been a "team" for so many years, it's clearly difficult for her to face the changes she's undergoing alone.

I'm familiar with children growing up in a single parent family, but a mother cannot immerse herself in her children's lives to the point where she has no life of her own. She must pursue interests of her own that go beyond her mothering *while* she is mothering, so that when the time comes for them to take the natural next step in their own lives to adulthood, she's not there to hold them back. In holding them back, she's self-sabotaging because she's holding herself back at the same time -- and life is all about growth.

I avoid religious and political discussions on this site for obvious reasons. So often over the years since creating this site, I have seen the expression "good Christian woman" in messages. Some of my faith might take exception to this remark, but perhaps you can understand my interpretation. As a Jew, I've always felt those who used the expression were referring to being a generally decent human being because the world is filled with more than just Christians and this site is visited by people of all religious backgrounds and beliefs.

Suffice it to say that the advice we are giving comes  from the hearts of human women, not the hearts of any religious sect.  

It is a very natural occurrence for children to grow and leave the nest. As difficult as that is for most mothers, it is not the responsibility of the child to keep providing fulfillment and happiness for her mother. The mother must find it on her own.

I think the problem here is not the religious fanatacism, but where she is in life in general. Oftentimes, people "latch onto" something to believe in, even to a fanatic degree, when they feel lost and need answers.

You mother can't be like you just as she can't be who and what she was at 22, 32 or even 42. She is 50 years old and is evolving to a new place in the world -- a reckoning not so much with God, but with herself and the fact that she's aging. Many women interpret the spiritual awakening many women experience during menopause with a sense of being "religious." There's a difference between being religious and being spiritual, aware of our inner selves and our connection to the world in which we live. So many of us are experiencing this through this transition, which is where I believe your mother is. We are learning self-healing, to expand our minds and our understanding of what our bodies are telling us, to learn to work with, rather than against natural forces.

She's at the age where her she's hormonally challenged. That's probably creating the greatest discord for her. Many people and things become targets for our frustration during a time in our lives when everything within us is so unsettling, often disoriented, frequently frighening.

It appears from your writing that you are more concerned about her than disturbed by her behavior. I think, given time, given understanding and compassion for a mother who raised you single-handedly and is probably somewhat lost in her world right now, you will be able to make her understand what your needs are and she will come to understand her own needs better with your enlightenment -- because you care and it is only through caring and nurturing that any living thing can grow and blossom just as you have from all her years of nurturing.