Hi ladies,
I know this may sound strange but the last couple of years and especially in the past 6 months, I have been overwhelmed with SHAME. Shame of failures, shame of divorces, shame of not having anything substantial to show for my life. Then I think of the FOOLISH person I was growning up. I had such a bad, terrible and snotty attitude. I remember really struggling with shame back then. There was alot of yelling in my family and I always felt like I was in trouble, (probably because I was.) I always wanted to be the mellow kid. The happy kid. The well adjusted kid. I was always rebel without a cause. Always mad or depressed. I used to lock myself in my room at 16 and shut the drapes. My moods were so crazy. I never sensored my mouth either. I just said it the way I felt it. And that was not very good. I think I remember 3 good years of my youth. 13,14 and 15. After that forget it. I never felt accepted by my mom and she was very strict and harsh. I changed dramatically over the years and learned to accept myself. I made lots of friends and had good jobs. I had kids and loved them incredibly. I never ever verbally abused them like I was. But maybe I was not. Maybe I was just a rotten kid. Thats what me sister tell me. She however was a spoiled brat. Moms pet. Listen to me, I sound like an adolescent here...lol. Anyway, I became a very loving and kind woman. In fact, so much that I let people take advantage of me in so many ways. Friends borrowed money and never paid back. Men took advantage and I ended up abused in relationships. I felt I really deserved it. My point here is this. I will never let a man abuse me again. I show my kids huge amounts of love. I try to help anyone who needs it. WHY then am I feeling so shamed for my past and things I did when I was a kid? How stupid. Its like this viscous loop my brain wont let go of. Then I question whether or not God will forgive me. Then I go off on a tangent that I am not going to heaven. The I have a panic attack. Why is this happening to me at 49? I want to marry my fiance after being together nearly 6 years but I am afraid of losing my salvation because I have been married a few times before. I feel like such a loser. I have asked forgiveness so many times that I often find myself repeating the same things over and over just in case I have forgotten to ask. I think not working has done a number on my brain. Idol hands are the workshop of the Devil. Great, now I have really scared myself.

Hi Debra,
Our stories are alike in so many ways. I was the child that took on the shame for the family. My sister was also my moms favorite. I did alot of bad things too. Alot of acting out but I realize I was just trying to survive. I dont believe you were a rotten kid. You were probably trying to just be seen and heard. You havent failed you've had experiences that because of the baggage from your childhood prevented you from achieving what you wanted.
I think you have achieved the most substantial things in life. You made it through a hard childhood,your a great mother. It sounds like you're finally in a good relationship..

It took me along time to let go of the shame I had from some of the things I've done. Mostt of my shame came from having two kids at age 20 & 22. I had my daughter while in an abusive marriage. Left him was on my own raising my daughter barely making it finacially or emotionally got pregnant again from a one nightstand tried to keep him but couldnt be a good mother to him and ended up giving him up for adoption to a great family. I finally forgave myself for bringing these two children into my mess of a life. I realized If I could have done better I would have. I know God forgave me because he gave me another chance to be a good mother and gave me another daughter.

I hope you can let go of any shame you have over the decisions you've made and marriages that didnt work out. It doesnt make you a bad person. It was part of your journey.

The only shame I seem to still struggle with is body image that my mother instilled in me. I still have hope that one day I wont look at my fat thighs and larger stomach and feel not good enough.

You deserve to let go of anything you feel you failed at or are a shamed of. You did your best.
Love&hugs,
Lara

Debra,

We all have our skeletons from the past...believe me I feel like I also have many issues, and feel like I did some things that were NOT good.

My relationship with my parents was OK, but I did not get the love and attention I wanted because when my brother was killed in an accident when I was 7 and he was 10, my Mum went on to have another child after that at age 43 - because of some bad advice - and ended up with my downs syndrome sister, who naturally, then got all the attention and I was lost......very lost.

I searched for love, but was let down time and time again, and gave my heart away so easily.......I went through a number of boyfriends and did not get married until I was 37.....and would absolutely be devastated if my daughter goes through that!....there is more, but I won't go through it all, but you get my drift?!

These issues have left me feeling more depressed now and this is why I have had a difficult menopause, feelings of guilt and feeling ashamed at some of the things I did make me also feel like God is punishing me for some of those decisions I made.

All we can really do Debra is ask for forgiveness and show our love to the people that really matter to us NOW....and if possible say sorry to those people that we think we hurt in our past....but don't beat yourself up anymore.

I am also 49 and only work 'occasionally' (I am an artist/muralist) so know how you feel about having too much time on your hands......which now makes me realise I MUST motivate myself to do more advertising!

take care Debra.....am thinking about you

Caz x

(((((((((Debra)))))))))

JJ once told me that at this time in our lives we tend to 'shed old tears'. Tears that we did not have time to shed during the busy crazy time of our youth and beyond. For many of us, this period in our lives is a time for reflection. Our children are growing up and moving out. We see our parents slipping by in front of our eyes and we stop and take a look in the mirror of 'time', asking the stranger mirrored - who are you and what have you done with ME?!.

Have you ever woken up in the morning, after a night of partying --- hung over ---- trying to remember what the heck happened the night before? As the morning drifts into the afternoon, our memory makes the most innoculous comment, (of the night before) seem so much greater than it really was. Example - I think I may have insulted a friend, trying to be funny but I don't think it was precieved as humourous' --- I stress over the remark that I made, making the situation much graver than it really was. Point in fact - when I actually talk to the friend, (after the haze has passed) - turns out the remark was not even remembered, or was so glib that it was forgotten quickly.

My point here on this Sunday morning - and NO - I am NOT hung over is that we tend to make our failures, our 'foolishness', our 'attitudes' of our past much harsher than the reality of what 'was'. However IF we were truly as wretched as we think we were in our past, so be it. We learn from our mistakes. I have found I learn more from my mistakes than I do from my triumphs. I do not think that you were a 'rotten kid'!!! I think you went through transitions as a teenager that many teenagers must go through in order to 'find themselves' Hormones are running amok and we are lost, hostile, confused, angry, bitter, and we do not even know the 'why's of our behaviour.

The fact that you have loved your children unconditionally speaks volumes of your character. The fact that you had/have many friends also speaks volumes. Volumes of great chapters in your life

When I was 16 I was a nightmare, on so many levels. One time my mother and I were chasing one another around the dining room table, each of us trying to smack one another. Another time I spit at her telling her she was the worst human being on earth, as she told me that she wished I had never been born.. Ohh such memories!!! And that is just the proverbial tip of the growing up ice berg. I also have many fond memories of growing up. Thank goodness or surely I would have been locked up years ago. Or been on the news "crazed woman last seen running down street - wide eyed - screaming the words 'I'll get you my pretty'

YOU need to FORGIVE YOU!! If forgiveness is what you think is needed here. The 'shame' of the past is in the past. I understand your feelings of failures and shame but my dear Sistah - in my eyes - you only need seek out your own heart to know that there is really nothing to be ashamed of in your past, your youth.

I have read many of your posts on Surge and you are truly a helpful and kind and generous woman.
Hold your head high, be proud of all your accomplishments of the heart and beyond.

Hugs and more hugs
Dottie

My Dear Debra, I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly!!! I think almost all of us question ourselves like this to some extent or another. Have we lived a good enough life? Do the people we love love us in return? Have we caused hurt to someone else and not made amends? Will we ever be truly happy with what we've got? And of course, the big one, will we go to heaven????? It is no coincidence that you are questioning all this at 49 you know. Perhaps you've heard of a little problem we are all dealing with not so affectionately called "the PERI MONSTER"? I'm not trying to make light of it but if I don't make myself joke a little about it on occasion I absolutely WILL go nuts trying to answer my own set of questions. I know that you understand this. Of course, peri doesn't cause the issues that we question ourselves about. It also doesn't necessarily cause us to ask the questions themselves. But what it does do is magnify EVERYTHING connected with it. Has anyone ever noticed that it never seems to magnify things in a positive light? It always seems to be worse than it really is!???? What's up with THAT???????!

Debra I'm going to play armchair therapist for a minute. I hope you'll not be offended because I mean only to help you put this stuff into perspective so that it's not so tough to deal with. You indicated that you were verbally abused as a child/teenager at home and that your sister was the "pet". It has to have occurred to you that this kind of environment during your formative years only served to make you feel unimportant and unloved. (been there, done that!) I wouldn't be at all surprised that your "acting out" during your teen years was an effort on your part to get the attention you needed. So maybe you were rotten, maybe you weren't. But you sound like a perfectly normal person to me. You didn't deserve to be hurt or taken advantage of by family, "friends" or the men in your life. But you were vulnerable because you were searching for love and acceptance and would tolerate just about anything to get what felt like it. Amazingly however, somewhere along the line you figured out how NOT to be that person but rather someone who knew instinctively how to give unconditional love to those you held dear. You have a good and caring heart and have somehow learned how to share it with others. There is NO SHAME in what you have lived! We all make mistakes, we all have things that if we dig hard enough, would make us feel guilt. But my theory is that if I feel guilty then I have a healthy concience. If I've apologized to the affended party and to God and have vowed not to repeat the act then what else can I do. I believe in a loving, forgiving God and I know that while my life has not been perfect, it has been the best I could at the time. Your life was the best you could do at the time and you have to look at it as a learning process. Debra, you've learned well. Look at how loving and caring you are now and how well your children have turned out. They are a reflection of you and how you raised them. Be proud of your battle scars and how you've come through the flame. Covered with soot and burned but you are still standing! You're a good woman Debra. Stand tall and marry that fiance of yours. God wants you to be happy!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Jan

You have no control over the past. Let it go. Forgive yourself your failures. The ONLY thing you can do with idle hands is mold the future. That IS up to you on how it turns out. It can be a disaster or the most amazing thing you have ever seen. Oh, by the way...you only need to ask God for forgivness once for you past mistakes. He willingly takes the eraser and rubs it out. Gone, poof! and he loves you more than ever!

To my dear PS sisters,
Lara, I can so relate to your comments. Its just within the last couple of years that I have not hyper-focused on my body image. I had a terrible eating disorder as a teen and even though I stopped the binging purging and starving myself when I had my first child at 21, the distorted body image was alway there. I just became very compulsive about working out. Now since I have this painful arthritis and low back pain, I cannot work out at all most days. I have really had to do alot of accepting and I am now OK with it. I hate the cellulite but the pain is worse when I try to work out like I used to. Your right about God forgiving us. He is truly full of mercy. I am so sorry you have had much pain in your life. One really important thing that I just realized is this: Had you not gone through what you did, you could not have offered me comfort and advise. I thank God for that Lara!

Caz-art, Wow, 37 when you got married, thats a virtue in todays culture! I had 3 marriages under my belt by that age. I too am an artist but have not done anything with it. What a blessing that you can create murals. Thank you so much friend for your comments and encouragement. I hope business really picks up for you.

Dot, I loved the analogy you used on the partying all night! Boy can I relate. Also, I think your on to something when you mentioned the shedding of Old tears. Looking back, I was so busy that I never had time to grieve these losses or mistakes! I was in the ADHD mode of non stop activities. I always had either the music up loud or work and extra curricular activities to keep me distracted. Now, I don't work, I rarely socialize and I am alone. The company I do keep is with the deafening silence most days that screams at me to focus on my mistakes. Thank you for your relevant and wise comments to me friend.

Jan, You are so right about the peri monster. If we really break this down, Peri is just a PMS trip that is never ending. Just thinking back at the fights and overemotioanlism of the past during PMS and being able to brush it off as hormones. That was as far as I took it. Now, it's just ongoing day after day of feeling like emotional crap. I have to laugh at the comment about why not hyperfocus on the GOOD! I asked that question so many times that finally I researched it. I found out that because our brains create very strong chemical reactions during a crisis, those events are "tagged" if you will by not only the thoughts but the strong chemicals to make us remember the event as not to repeat it. Its also a safety mechanism. The same one that makes our brain remember that if we touch a hot stove and get burned, we surely will never do it again because our brains register the pain big time. During wonderful events, the chemicals created are not as strong but we still get a significant burst of calming/feel good hormones when we relive the event. I believe if we could find a way to "reframe" the old painful events, they would not hold such painful sting and maybe our brains would not be so open to getting stuck in negative mode. I have not researched that part of it but it gives me a new task to undertake. Bless you Jan.

Hi there...I think I will deal a bit with the spiritual side. My view is going to be from a "Biblical" perspective, so If ladies, if you think that this will offend you , please skip this particular post.

DebraD...did you see how much I erased in your post? God does that, too, with our past. We still have memory of hurtful things, but God does not. He throws our "sins" into the Sea of Forgetfulness. When we dredge them back up, only we see them. According to the Bible, if you believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and confess this, you will be saved.

Being saved does not mean we are immune to life's problems. For instance, If you jump off a building...and on the way down, you realize what a stupid thing that you have done....and yell, God forgive me. He does. However....SPLAT!
We all have to deal with the our bad choices.



Stress causes the weirdest things. When stress hits (or meno), we do a lot of things. Many turn to alcohol and drugs (script or not), or we will withdraw into ourselves. When we withdraw into ourselves it is a survival technique. Sometimes it is good to shut down, but when we stay there, we tend to start what I call "life review." Life review, in itself is not a bad thing. Many times, you will bring back the past. You should probably deal with as much as you can, if not, put it back on the shelf. Life review= Life Change. Throw out what you don't like about yourself. Put in something New in its place. (I think you are already doing this.)

From a Biblical perspective, God would like for you to turn over you problems to him because he cares for you.

Now people who have had a wonderful father, do not have a difficult time doing this. We often see God in the light of what our fathers (or mothers) did to us and how they brought us up. A hateful unforgiving father? We see God as mean.


You must ask yourself if this is really how God is toward you? The only way to find out is to start reading his words. Even if you don't understand them at first, soon you will. Just read what you can...even if you flip and read one verse a day...just try it. Stick a Bible on the back of your toilet seat and grab it when you are in there. God says that his word is Alive. It never changes...what is written worked for people in the past, in the present, and will work in the future.

You will find that God is not harsh or strict; he is gentle, loving, ever-willing to forgive and help you. People can tell you this all day long, but until you actually start reading yourself, you will always wonder.

When you start seeing the truth, your perspective of God will change...and your perspective of yourself.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without
finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

Ask him for wisdom on how to deal with these past hurtful memories. You should not live in the past. I think that you realize that you have learned from your mistakes, and it looks like you have been making many "good" decisions. This is what you should dwell on, not the hurtful stuff.

So you made mistakes, maybe a lot them. Big Deal! We all have. Forgive YOUSELF. We do. God does.


You are your own worst enemy! LOL!


By the way...here is what I think about the Bible. LOL! It is better than any soap-opera that I have ever seen! It contains adventure, treachery, great love, sex, violence, giants, demons, courageous people, who against all odds excelled and overcome.

King David, the beloved of God committed adultery. And afterwards he sent the woman's husband to the front line of battle to be killed. Oh, and King David sent this death message to the commander by the husband's own hand. He carried his own death note.

Although King David paid a terrible price for this(SPLAT!), God forgave him completely. Since God is not a respecter of persons, he will do the same for you. He will forgive you completely.



There are Men of valor...and women who decided to love God with all of their heart. They did great things. Against all odds of winning war, they prevailed and won because they put their trust in God.

One little widow gave all of her food to a man of God. She was going to fix a little cake and share it with her son. She planned on eating it and then they were going to die. As instructed by the prophet, she gave him their food. Because she was obedient....She and her son had food until the famine was over. God saw to her needs. Oh, yea...and when her son died later on in the story, the prophet restored his life. You can't get any better than this anywhere!

These people were given unto as examples on how to live and how not to live. Search out the word of God and see for yourself.


...and by the way... Idol hands are the workshop of the Devil...is not in the Bible.

Please forgive yourself. You don't deserve to get beat up the rest of your life. If you refuse to let a man do it, why would you let yourself do it?

Get married; you deserve to be happy. I know that our hormones during meno amplifies our emotions, but figure out what is true and what is not. Take a hard look.

I hope that I did not offend you. Take what you can from my post and throw away the rest,
Shebee

((((((((SHEBEE))))))))
Thank you for your confirmation of Gods merciful WORD! The last couple of years I have literally thrown myself at the mercy seat of Jesus. I have been devouring the WORD. Yes I am finding all of the answers as I read but the enemy tends to hit me where I am weak. My guilt. My fear. Whatever makes us stumble will be our biggest test. I have to deal with this every day. It's the thorn in my side as Paul would say. A couple of weeks ago I had been praying for direction and needing to know I was forgivin. I opened my Bible to Luke 7 v36-50. Was I ever shocked. It was about the immoral woman who had heard Jesus was asked to have a meal with the Pharisees. She showed up with an expensive jar of perfume and knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them. The Pharisee who was the host saw what was happening and said to himself, This proves that Jesus is no prophet. If God really sent him he would know basically that this was the town hooker! (my own words..lol) Then Jesus spoke up and said to Simon. "A man loaned money to two people-five hundred pieces of silver to one and fifty peices to the other. Neither of them could repay him so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that? Simon answered, I suppose the one for whom he canceled the LARGER debt. Thats right Jesus said. He turned to the woman and said to Simon, Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn't offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn't give me a kiss of greeting, but she has kissed my feet again and again from the time I first came in. You neglected the courtesty of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has annointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you that her sins-AND THEY ARE MANY-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only LITTLE love. The Jesus said to the woman, "YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN." I cried when I read this and it gave me great peace. I still review it from time to time. The person of flesh that I am wants to drag me back to the old me. Thats truly why I need the LORD DAILY! Thank you for your wonderful reply...........

You know, I have read this before, but somehow I must have not seen this or have not understood it.


It explains much to me, especially with some of the people that I have had the honor to meet.



Recently there was a street person, ( dirty, with long, oily hair & etc.) that come to know God. Within a few months, I did not recognize this person. Clean cut, dressed nice, CLEAN, (LOL!), hair cut, punctual, and dependable....A man after God's heart.

This man loves God so deeply; now I understand why.


Thank you so much for your response. I think that I will ponder on this for a while.
Shebee

Hi Debra,
Seems like you grew up feeling guilty and that is just a part of you now. However you can break away from the guilt and bad decisions you've made. It's almost like you were not taught right from wrong because everything you did was wrong....and it was not. Teenage girls go through their rebellious stages and woman don't really make the greatest decisions until 30's I say once we are well experiences per say. I think you should reevaluate what you want in life, move on from the past. You lived, you loved, you experienced..... it's quite normal. Get married - find an activity to keep you busy, like teaching yourself something crafty or volunteering at a local non profit. When you panic-get the adrenaline going- take a nice walk through the park or jog. Don't let frineds borrow money - usually it's a gift if they needed to borrow it in the first place. Real friends won't ask to borrow money they can't afford to pay back. Those abusive reationships are in the pat now. Be happy if you have a pulse you have a gift of life. Live your days as if you are queen of the world.....sorry don't mean to get carried awy... but dear think positive and leave all the negative for the past to worry about. You have a new beginning every day. I'm not one to preach but youtube Joel Osteen he's a great inspirational speaker. Blessings my prayers are with you dear!

hi,
Like the rest of us here I too have found this a time of life for very deep introspection. I can get very caught up in the past because
so much of what I identified as being 'me" is logged there. I continually rehash some of the experiences I had. The good the bad and the ugly! It feels like a film reel playing
in my head or like post traumatic stress syndrome. This causes my a lot of deep anguish that leaves me sobbing my heart out. All the regrets
for the things I did or did not do....all the dashed hopes and dreams..glorifying the past into something it was not--perfect!
I know I do this because the present is so awful right now(2009 has got to be the worst year of my life but then again I said that about 2008)
that anything from the past seems so wonderful compared to the now. I have done a lot of work and come to realize that the now or the
present moment is really all we have....

like the saying goes, and I repeat it to myself when I get too caught up in recrimination and longing for past or future moments....

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the "present"

be well be present

I beat up on myself all the time about have I've wasted my life, not accomplished anything. I actually get depressed over it so I know how you feel.

The main thing to remember is, if you truly repent & ask God to forgive you of any wrong you may have done, HE forgave you, & probably doesn't want you to keep bringing it back up to Him. If we ask forgiveness for the same sin again it's as if we don't believe God can forgive us. Now forgive yourself. We won't forget them because we need to be reminded not to do the same things over again. That's my sermonette for the day.
Hugs!