Happy Halloween Eve Ladies:

I'm trying to be perky, but boy this anxeity panicky feeling is just hitting me hard. This thing seems to come on from no-where and it hits like a ton of bricks. I haven't had anxiety like this in years. I suddenly feeling like I can't get air, then like I'm suffocating, I have to slow down my breathing and take deep breathes, then my head starts to feel wierd almost like I can't keep up with my thoughts, I get all jittery and can't stop moving. This will last a few minutes into and hour. I hate that they are coming out of nowhere. I was on progesterone cream and it seemed to help, went back to the doc for balancing check and they didn't refill until I get the blood tests back, to see what I need. Well its obvious the cream helped so now I have to wait for the labs to come in.

I don't like how this peri stuff has changed me, I dont know who I am anymore. I used to be positve and happy, now I just want to be alone, and have become selfish about things. I find this fear of dieing and sickness is making me depressed more, I cry out of the blue, my emotions are all over the place, I don't handle stress well, and angry I am angry about so many things. I dn't watch the news anymore because I find myself very mad about things and that just causes more stress. I fear that the stress I'm under all the time is going to kill me. I have so many issues going on that can't seem to deal with one thing. I wonder if all women go thru this phase where they wake up one morning in thier late 30's to mid 40's and think to themselves, what happened to me. We have taken care of our families for years and now we are older and it seems life has sort of passed us by, so we ask, where did I go. For me I get alittle mad and I think thats where the selfishness comes in. I find myself angry at little things my husband may ask me to do or my son. I've taken care of every little detail of thier lives and its always been about them, now I want my own time. I've pretty gone on strike with somethings, I figure they are big boys they can figure it out on thier own. At times I think I'm just plain mean, but I don't seem to worry about it. This is not at all who I was. I wonder will I ever see myself again, will i ever be happy.

I have to tell you all, I feel better just letting this out. I thank you for listening to me and letting me just vent. I hope you have a fabulous day

Hugs
Patty

I just want to let you know I know exactly where you are coming from. I started with the breathing issues some time ago and had many tests. I was told I had hyperventilation syndrome. I actually purchased a book by a respiratory therapist on this syndrome. You would be amazed at the symptoms!!! It is known that women going through menopause and also a week before their period have lower oxygen levels. That is why we feel we cant breathe. As for the anxiety and wanting to be alone; I'm there too. I seem to get angry at everything and everything seems like such a chore to me. I am 44 and I have three little ones plus I went back to college full time. It's very overwhelming. My husband is in the military and getting ready to deploy again in 5 months and I'm just tired of it all. I do find that when I get my period is when I feel the worst. I think there is only a week out of the month that I can say I feel good. I do take a half xanax twice a day (.25 and break in half) and that takes the edge off. I just feel like no one understands what I am going through. I don't know if you want to call it selfishness, but I too want my own time. I always feel like I am taking care of everyone else but me. I guess we just need to hang in there.

Take care,
DonnaMarie

Wow....words right out of my own thought process...something I even said out loud to my Dr a couple of months ago. And I'm going to tell you what my Dr told me....

"Go ahead...I'm giving you permission to be a little selfish for once in your life. It's your turn."

Her words give me a lot of comfort when I do something that feels "selfish".....she's right...it is MY turn.

And it's your turn also. You now have permission to have be a little selfish moment or two....and a hug to go with it.

I can relate to all those symptoms you described and also hitting me simultaneously. Yes...I woke up one morning and "didn't know me." Much like tucking my girls in bed years ago and waking up the next morning, wondering why they are acting a certain way and all of a sudden dealing with strangers as they started their periods and beyond. Now one daughter is entering the perimenopause phase and again a "stranger." My youngest is a good 10 years from it. Whew! Some respite.

Progesterone was my life saver. I do purchase mine at a local health food store. It is not as strong as the prescription progesterone and I used it daily except during my monthly cycles.

You will feel better but only with time.

Sybille

Patty,

I just read your post, and oh boy, I could not have written it any better!! First, I am sending you a ((Hug))! I am so sorry you are going through what you are. I feel exactly like you to the tee!! I am 42 and it all started for me when I turned 40, at least that is when I remembering starting to feel "different". I feel your frustration..oh do I.

I do believe it will get better, but I wish for all of us that it was not such a difficult journey.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in what you are feeling, I along with so many other women here are right there with you...

Be good to yourself, do something just for you, because you do deserve it

As you can see this is a very common peri/meno experience. I myself basically checked out for 3 months. Just wallowed in myself so to speak. I have an older son 17 so he barely acknowledges my existence... well he does, we hug and kiss and I check in to make sure he didn't turn into a rebel without a cause during my hermit phase. I had to allow my husband and my son to take care of themselves in many ways and honestly to take care of me too. My son does his own laundry as does my husband and my husband cooks and does the dishes QUITE alot. I am very fortunate to have their support and understanding, this I know. Yes, I have chosen to indulge myself quite a bit these last several months. Not nec. because I am selfish but because my body and mind needed to. I know many of you are younger with younger kids who require your attention so doing this for even a day is difficult. However, you have to find a spot for "me" time, it is imperative that you do. Leave the guilt behind. i did finally have to try an anti depressant which seems to be helping me tremendously with my depression/anxiety-health and general and obsessive thinking about getting every dreaded disease in the book. I did have to try a few to find the one I think is going to be a good fit for me. When this stuff hits out of no where, which it did for me too. It really rocks your foundation doesn't it? It did for me. I called this my "Year of the Frump/Hermit" But, at some point I had to try and find a solution for how I felt. Some women try bio identicals hormones, others like myself try anti depressants and/or anti anxiety meds. There is no reason to suffer if you don't want to. There is no one size fits all solution. I hope you feel better. Treat yourself the way you would tell a friend to treat themselves in the same shoes. Slow down where you can and ask for help sometimes. Take a nap if you need to. Seek treatment if you haven't. Keep coming back here, it will be a godsend to you. Take care, Mich

Hi Patty;

I have had your exact thoughts more than once. I have been taking care of my family for years and done every little thing they asked without too much fuss but now when they ask me to do those same things I get grumpy. I think to myself, why cant you you do it, are your legs broken and it goes on and on until I am thoroughly pissed off and yelling.

I know in my mind that it is perimeno but sometimes I cant control it. I have also discovered a new thing for me. I have been battling anxiety for so long and I am so tired of it that now when I feel anxious, I get mad, whereas before I would go hide. Now I get angry with myself and everyone around me, yell then go hide. It is a ridiculous, vicious cycle.

I try to keep a grip on it but am not always successful and I guess that is part of it. So please do not feel alone and do not beat yourself up about it. It is happening or has happened to all of us. I think remembering this will pass at some point helps somehow.

I hope that you are feeling better.
Hugs to you,
Jeaninne

Sunny, I completely echo your words above to Patty....

Patty, I know exactly where you are and what you are feeling! I think most all of us feel some or all of the things you just described. Like Sunny, who I quoted above, this all started for me when I turned 40, I just woke up one day and felt like a stranger inside my body and my mind. I didnt know what was happening to me. I still dont, and like you, I wonder everyday where the woman I was went to and will she ever come back? Will I ever be happy again? Or at peace inside my own mind? I think that is the scariest part of peri, not knowing...its all so vague. I want to feel like me again, I want to feel alive, but most of all, I just want to feel normal. Isnt it sad that we almost feel guilty for needing some TLC at this time of our lives? After years of being caretakers for the world, suddenly now you are the one who needs help, support and comforting and to the rest of the world your being selfish. Its so wrong for anyone to make you feel like you are being a pain, or not caring about your family. This is such an incredibly difficult time. If they only knew how difficult. Sometimes I wish I could just give this to my fiance for just one day....even an hour and let him really see what it feels like to go through life like this, all the while still working, cleaning, caretaking, and trying to do the things we once did with ease. I pray every day that we will all find an answer soon. Sending you much love and hugs....please hang in there! You are not alone! Dee

This feels so good, I felt like I couldn't go on and on about it to my husband, but the fear of sickness and dying was completely dominating my life, I would lay there thinking over and over "I am going to die I am going to die" ... but it PASSED. Ok, it has been 9 months since my last period, and once in awhile now I feel very vulnerable and terrified of aging and getting sick ... but NOTHING like I did 9 months ago, I was a basket case and had very dark thoughts. The anxiety does pass, but when you are in it, I know I felt like "ok, this is IT, I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life, I am not coming out of this one" .... and I did. And I will if it hits again. AND SO WILL YOU. xoxo

p.s. - I also agree - I do think the worst part is I have no family to turn to, just my husband and I don't mean JUST, I mean I was there for all of my family, through illnesses, alzheimers, helped raise babies, put up neices and nephews boarding for free... but now they are all out of my life. I could scream for help, but don't want them near me anymore as they drained me. Most of us do feel that guilt - I seriously want the comfort of my mother's arms, there is nothing wrong with that, it was real love. You are not alone, this board saved my life. xoxo

Dear Susy,

Does it really? Please tell me again. I am in the middle of a very dark and very terrifying place in my mind. I dont know how I got here after I was doing so well. But then, one heavy period later and I was catapulted into a place that feels like I'm trapped in a Stephen King novel. Does it really go away? I am so scared.

Dee

PLEASE rest assured it will pass. The fear is the worst part, that terror like I felt that this was IT, I was going to be and feel this way forever. Like "going down for the last time" .... but I came out of every one. I am sorry I didn't respond sooner, but I wasn't on-line all weekend. I even had sleep paralysis, I would have somebody poking me, hurting me, suffocating me and I would SCREAM at the top of my lungs HELP ME PLEASE STOP HURTING ME PLEASE HELP HELP and then I would realize I was asleep ... and I couldn't move and nothing was coming out of my mouth. I learned to go back under to sleep and then wake myself up and sit up in bed. It was horrifying, so scary, I would sit up sweating and terrified, and shake Joe awake and say "didn't you hear me??!!" .... he never heard a thing. BUT THAT IS GONE ... I can honestly say this Sunday morning I woke up feeling ...happy...not ecstatic or jump out of bed and run around the house happy, just ok and content, for the first time in about a year ... I almost didn't recognize it, I hadn't woken up feeling that way for so long. Still have the physical pain (car accident) but my emotions were level. I was almost afraid to believe it, waiting for the fear to hit, or the sadness, or darkness ... but it didn't. Had one really intense hot flash, really strong, then it passed, and the rest of the day I kept busy with a bit more enthusiasm than I have felt in ages, and had a long hot shower for all my aches and pains, put on one of my vintage nightgowns and dressing gown, poured a huge glass of wine, and watched old movies ... and still felt good.
Please hang in there, one thing I learned when I worked in psychiatry, was when you are having an anxiety attack, start to pay attention to your heart rate, your racing thoughts, focus on them, don't ignore them, and that apparently helps to lessen them as you recognize each thing that is happening - like welcoming them and understanding them, rather than "reacting" to it which makes them worse. You will come out the other side!! xo

Dearest Susy,

You dont know how much I needed to hear this!!! God bless you!!! I am SO happy you are doing so much better!!! It is so hard to see through to the other side when you are in the middle of the tunnel and there is no light at the end. I know what you mean about the feeling of "going down for the last time" and the feeling of "this is it, Im always going to feel so horrible" Sometimes those feelings seem to never leave, then I'll have like 2 or 3 normal functioning days and I cant even enjoy them because I know they are so short lived, but I too have come out of every one of them. Its just how many more of them I have to go through before I can wake up and have a morning filled with peace that scares me. But i am hanging in there with all of you. Thank you so so so much. I am truly so happy that you are in a better place. I will keep praying that we all reach there soon. Love, Dee