Hi everyone,

I can be a a bit of a hard nut......a calm, cold and logical exterior....

The people that live with me(my fiance and son) sometimes do not know how much I am suffering because I cannot explain or put it in to words. I don't feel like I need to say everything I am feeling just to get some understanding.......

I do not expect them to read my mind either......

But when I am up all night because of changes my clothes a hundred times due to hot flashes, or insomnia......I kind of ask that they don't push me. My fiance is wonderful and has become more and more understanding as time has gone on, he also accounts for my personality in this. But my son, is just downright awful sometimes......he is 14 and going through his own hormone chaos. But instead of supporting each other, he is too young to understand and nor does he care....

And if I am not a blubbering mess on the floor then everyone thinks......Michah is fine! Look at her go! Just because I cannot express myself......for every emotion changes so often I can barely keep up, and I do not cry.......I find it VERY difficult physically.

And if one more of my female friends(whom I do love dearly) says to me "Oh I know how you feel".....I am going to scream. It is when they say that that it makes me feel more isolated. I am 34. No one I know irl is going though this at this time. They cannot possibly know how I feel even when they compare it to a mild case of PMS that lasted for a couple of days. Or the fact that they have to map temps in order to get pregnant......The days of pregnancy are over for me.......and it is a poignant reminder.......of the disfunction of my womanhood and fertility.

So am I a cow of a person with a huge, disillusioned sense of entitlement? Or a person who just wants to be left alone to deal with it on her own, and just be given a hug and a kind smile every now and again........

Gosh, I feel alone sometimes........

Michah

((((big hugs)))) so sorry you are having such a hard time.
I understand what you're going through...i started peri at age 29...i'm 45 now and still going through it.Now that i'm in my 40's,it's easy to talk to women my age cause most of them have started with the hot flashes,etc.But when i was in my 30's nobody knew what i was talking about...

BIG HUGS to you Micah!!! You clearly are having a very difficult time with peri and as you know very well, there ARE women on PS who do understand "how you feel". There really isn't anything I can say to make you feel better that you haven't already said to yourself, right? Your son "is 14"....nuff said! Your girlfriends are trying to be supportive but can't REALLY identify with what you are going through, but some of them will one day when it's their turn. Your fiance sounds like a wonderful man. Have you let him read this post? Perhaps he will have an even better "understanding" (for lack of a better word) of what you feel if he can read it. You have a hard time allowing yourself to actually show "them" what you are feeling so of course they don't really get it. It's a tough place to be for you to be sure. I've never been a cryer (SP??????) either but boy can I cry nowadays! It doesn't take much for the waterworks to open up. I don't like it myself but it has helped my husband to have an idea of how much things are affecting me so I guess it's not all bad. I'm probably not making much sense or helping you at all but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. None of us really KNOWS how YOU feel but many of us can imagine given our own symptoms. We are here for you and each other and that is worth more than words can ever say. Hang in there Micah! It'll be alright one of these days.
xoxo
Jan

Please don't feel like you're alone here...we all care and we all understand how you feel....

i started also very young (33), but you know what
you got that i didnt? its knowledge, knowledge is very powerful
and this site, i had neither almnost 17yrs ago when i awake at 2am in a puddle
of sweat, never never thinking of peri, which made my anxiety 10x worse
i also didnt have the internet, just kept my worry and fears to myself
afraid i was dying but too afraid to live like this !!! that was 17 yrs ago, i only hope
my daughter and granddaughters never have to do this alone as i have,........ peace to you......

This journey does seem very lonely at times. Of course, on the outside you keep going and doing to the best of your ability, but then it comes back to bite you because no one around you can comprehend the inner torture. I really feel for you! Hang in there and know you're not alone.

Heerzahug,

JC

Micah
You sound like a very smart tough lady going through a horrid time. I think each woman has a different perception of menopause so it is very difficult for one woman to stand in the shoes of another. I'm using hormones as to me they are the logical option.
My sister is also going through early menopause aged 38. I suspect that with premature ovarian failure there must be a crushing sense of "why should I endure this so early2 that is not entitlement or ego but an understandable question and I too scream at the injustice of menopause at any age.
I don't suffer sleepless nights and have my hormones carefully balanced - but the visceral revulsion of menopause still remains for me.
Big hugs
Louise

I've had the same problem going into early meno at 39. But I had no real effects back then. Now at 46 the anxiety is killing me. None of my friends are going through this so I can't talk to anybody that doesn't understand and you do feel alone. Finding this website was so good for me knowing your not alone, but still wish you could talk to people in a support group setting in person and just let everything out. Just keep in mind we are here for each other and will never be judged....
((((char))))

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Dear Mich
It is amazing how beautifully well you express yourself on this Forum but find it hard to reach out more to those nearest and dearest.Then again it is more comfortable for some of us to share,albeit anonymously,with each other on this Forum and I too fall into this category .It is the relief of letting it all out and not being judged that really helps.
A fourteen year old young man ,raging with his own hormonal and ego issues would be hard put to understand a woman's issue but your partner sounds very supportive.Also you have all of us here to lend an ear so it could be worse..
And I doubt very much you have any resemblance to a cow
You are just a woman trying to make the best out of what can be a very torturous journey
I forgot to ask if you have ever thought of using Bios.Many ladies seem to experience a lot of relief on them
Me?I will stick to my HRT and do the best I can day by day
Warm Wishes
And Big Hugs
Elizabeth

"It is the relief of letting it all out and not being judged that really helps."
Oh this is so true.

I am another who doesn't reach out well either. But you are among the best of survivors here, Michah, so don't feel alone!

hugs.....

Micah,
Here is a big smile and big hug for you love... (((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Michah,

As I read all the words in reply from Your Friends .. It touched my heart!!
I use distance in my life as a sort of protection. Crazy huh? It's true!!
All I can say is sometimes we cannot open up to the ones we live with or have regular relationships with. I know it sounds nuts but this is true for me!!
I wish I could open up more .. I know it would help me to feel more in touch. But I can't for what ever reasons!!

We are here to find our way .. together!! If you hold out your hand we will never be alone!!

(((Luv Hug)))
Vaylorie

I know how you feel! I am 33,started this at 29.None of the few friends I have in person understand.My hubby and kids are more aware of hormones than any dr.I appreciate your truthful post-it made me feel a little less alone.GOD-bless

Oh Micah .... I'm sending you a BIG BIG HUG! You are definately not alone here! Yeah, sometimes it does seem hard to sort of really express what we feel, it's so DEEP, so, "complicated" in a way. The worse part is, when the person you're describing all this to, doesn't really understand. They stand there, and smile, and say something 'nice", but you know darn well, they think your nuts! lol .... but in reality, that makes you feel VERY ALONE. Peri makes you feel very alone I think. This is the only place I can come to, and openly talk about what's happening with me, and know that there will be others who are sharing the same symptom one way or another, and there is NO judgement! Nobody here tries to tell you how to handle it, or to "calm down" with that condescending attitude. It's very important that we talk it out, vent, whatever you want to call it, because if you don't, you will definately feel alone.....at least, I do.

Micah, I know it can be hard to open up to people around you, I have that problem sometimes myself. I'm not really the type to just start blabbing to anyone that'll listen.......i have to feel they are close to me, and that will will truly understand, because i've had people look at me like i'm nuts, i just can't do that anymore! It's hard to deal with all of this, very hard! We go from one thing to another, day after day, for who knows how long......and then, you're supposed to just keep "smiling', keep going, .... my husband is very understanding, and supportive too, and so are my sons! They have had a crash course in peri, and hormones, something they will never forget! .. lol .... but i told them, hey, this will help them in the future, with their own wives or girlfriends! They are very sweet to me, and go out of their way to help me, and will sit and talk with me about all of this, so in that way, i am blessed. But, "out there" in the world......it seems like other people are totally oblivious to this........even other women, OUR AGE! WHAT THE HECK?
some of the people you EXPECT to know more, to help you, to REASSURE you that you're NOT DYING, would be your GYN .....HA HA HA!!!!!! (the jokes on us!)........ are you kidding? There is MUCH MUCH more REASSURANCE, comfort, help, knowledge, self empowerment, strength, INFORMATION, ....right here, than anywhere else i've been!

Well,,,,that was a long enough speech...lol .... ok, for now, Micah, and everyone ........... BIG HUGS! It's good not to feel alone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi lovely ladies,

Thank you for your warm hugs and replies.......just wanted to add to this discussion that there maybe other factors at play that inhibit my emotional display. My Therapist and I have discussed Aspergers for a while now......there was always something a little different about me as a child and I recently undertook an EQ test just to have a gander. I failed miserably! I am not worried, for I love and feel great warmth, but its delivery is "misguided" for want of a better word and I am more than a little eccentric .....I am not being tested for Aspergers as my T believes the treatment I am getting from her would be no different with the dx. My IQ is high and my EQ is low......so sometimes it is not for want of trying to express myself......it just seems I can't......and I go back to default which is logic. My partner often finds me scratching away at algebra equations when I feel stressed, just to bring some order to the table. Peri is teaching me some valuable and confusing lessons......

So Aspergers or not, it seems we all get lessons through this in trying to express ourselves.......from the heart, not the mind necessarily.....

AAhhhh what a journey.....

Big Hugs to you all....

Michah

Amen to that ,my dear
It is very obvious by the way you write how highly intelligent you are.
Personally I am against labeling as we all have our strengths and weaknesess in different areas.
We are travelling through this world together and sharing and supporting.Does not get much better than that.
P.S. Algebra and Maths in general were never my friends!
But who cares!
Stay safe and well
Warm Hugs
Elizabeth