When I was severely depressed, all I could think was, "WHEN WILL THIS LIFE BE OVER????" I wanted it to end!!!! I really didn't care how it happened, I just knew I couldn't continue the way it was!! And I really didn't care what was in store for me in the afterlife!

Once I started feeling better, I found myself thinking about the afterlife in a whole new way. One day I approached the thought with anticipation of what is ahead. A sort of excitement, to finally know.

The next day, I find myself hesitant, not knowing what to do with the rest of my life, as if it is coming to an end much too soon.

Is this the way I want to live the rest of my life, do I really have a choice? I just don't know.

What really matters?

This probably makes no sense at all, but I just don't know how to put it into words.

Sorry!!!

I'm not sure how old you are, but, I know once I turned 50 this year, it was like cold water was thrown in my face. Of course, peri symptoms started in earnest. All of a sudden I had health anxiety up the hoo ha and that made me think about nothing but I'm closer to the end than I am to the beginning of my life. It is a wake up call. It's been a tough year. I just want to make peace with what we all face... our mortality. I don't want to be frozen in fear of it to the point that I don't live today. I have found that was what was happening to me. All my fears froze me up. Also, obviously the crazy hormones didn't help my thought process at all. Sometimes I get this brief feeling of well when I die I will finally achieve the ultimate peace and serenity. However, that said, I also want to achieve that in the here and now. I just think it is a process many of us go through when the fertility part of our lives comes to an end. It is illuminating and scary at the same time. Fears must be faced and then life must be lived somewhere in the middle of all of this. When you are young you are eternal and then life moves on and you look in the mirror and realize that you are not. You start wondering what was all this about anyways. I see so many people in my life who just have remarkable attitudes and approaches to life, they vary in ages. My FIL is amazing as is my own father, 88 and 77 respectively. They are mired in life, my father still works and is a recovering addict 22 years, so he sponsors others. My father went through the holocaust and he is an inspiration to me. I suffered as a child because of his addictions (foster homes my whole life) but I have worked through that and am so grateful for everyday I get to benefit from his wisdom. My Aunt (his sis) as well, she is a little bit older, but, another amazing person who faces life with optimism and given what they both went through that is something. I guess it is all about how you see the world. I have a plaque in my bathroom that says. Everyday you have a choice, choose happiness. Personally, I have to say I have struggled with that myself. I finally do have the most wonderful and happy home life, a husband who just adores me, warts and all. So, my only progress thus far is to say, I'm alive today and I am loved and I love, for now, that's all I have. The chemicals in our bodies that are going haywire have a lot to do with how we are seeing the world right now it is being filtered through those glasses which are very distorted at times. I think all of this is a natural progression. Some of us are deeper thinkers than others, I think those of us who are feel things a bit more deeply which in turn makes us question so much. I have always been that way so I guess it is not surprising I am experiencing this change the way I am. I hope you find the serenity and peace we all crave in the here and now. I think it's there. I have to take an AD to help me find that balance, but, hey whatever works. Take care, TW

No to the first, and yes to the second.

The farther down the black hole we go, the harder and longer it is to get out. Sometimes we lose the flicker in our flame. Many find it with God, or some sort of spirituality. I might get a lot of flack for this, but I think we all make our own paths (I'm not talking illness or things like that) but if we aren't happy, who besides ourselves is going to change that? I think we're our greatest untapped source of all great things. Just sayin. Love you, TW... don't give up on yourself or all of your possibilities, because they are there and they are HUGE.

Maybe I need to go to Marble Slab Creamery!

This time of life is hard...i never thought it would be so hard...i really thought this was suppose to be the best years, but the health scares creep in and the dreaded peri meno stuff causes changes in our bodies and minds, that we never expected.
I sure dont want to die...i want to live to see my grandkids grow up...i dont like these feelings of anxiety and fear. I pray everyday to wake up feeling normal..whatever that is. I use to laugh and be outgoing but now i lock myself in the room behind the secruity of the computer screen. I fight the dizziness and the off balanace feelings...the hot flashes..the lonliness and the many other strange feelings that have crept into my life. But i am thankful for each day be able to hear about my son and grandkids back in australia...to know that my dad celebrated his 83rd birthday and my mum is approaching her 80th in january.. I dont want to miss these things even though im not there with them.

I am thankful for each of you who help me to face each day...for your comfort and compassion and understanding.. hang in there..i dont know what the answer is but i have faith that things will get better and that when my time on this earth is over, that there will be a better place. Just know that you are NOT alone...we are all here to listen and to send you hugs and healing prayers.

we are a sisterhood together facing new challenges together.

Yummmy. Cold Stone has the best cake batter ice cream... thanks TW... I thought I lost my sweet tooth along with my sanity, lol...

As I'm reading everyone's responses and thinking about my life, a picture is unfolding, meaning is beginning to take shape and it's in the form of little faces. Faces that I see every day. And my heart begins to swell. It's the little kids on my school bus. When you have a child who cannot follow the rules very well and you have to remind them often and then one day out of the blue, this child comes up and gives you a hug, that's what makes life worth living!

Me too, mich!!! Life is much better now too since the AD.

Today is the day that I would LOVE to eat chocolate cake with chocolate cream cheese frosting and rich chocolate ice cream.............................UNTIL I CAN'T EAT ANYMORE!!!!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! SO YUUUUUMMMMMMMY!!!!!

Sounds like you should do just that. Today is a down day for me. The period is here, I tweaked my shoulder and I have health anxiety issues. Up and down, Up and down, the meno go round I go... Sometimes it is just hard to keep your head about you. Today is one of those days for me. Eat some cake for me. Mich

mich, I'm dreaming. I don't have any cake and no desire to bake either. I don't usually get a decent meal most days either. Feel like I need someone to take care of me.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Ohhh, I'm so sorry. Someone needs to bring you that cake. I'm with you I don't like to cook, bake or do much of anything. Great isn't it? I'm so thankful for hubbie he cooks for me and does the dishes and takes good care of me while I obsess over one thing or another. I truly hope that everything that I think I have resolves as usual and I can say "hello my name is Michele and I am a hypochondriac", I never want anything I think I have to be true. I can't even eat sugar without it making me edgy and I used to be a cake and chocolate freak. Lost those cravings. Could be a good thi I make a mean red velvet chocolate cake from scratch as well as some really fabulous brownies from scratch. I also make a salty sweet chocolate cake, it's unusual but really good, you know the perfect PMS treat salt, sweet and chocolate all rolled up in one yummy cake. But, just as I was getting into the baking thing, I lost my mojo and it was replaced by fear and apprehension. Last year I had the best Xmas party ever, I was laughing and looking at my glass as full, so many friends, lots of laughter and fun. January, bye bye, out the door that went. I am going to fight for this Xmas to be fun and happy maybe no big party, but, family, a few friends, merriment, decorations. I am white knuckling it right now but d@m it this has got to stop. I just want a life with normal ups and downs -- mostly ups of course. So, if we can't eat cake in our daily lives maybe we can eat it in our dreams. Hugs Mich

I like the way you said it!