Dear Sisters,

I havent posted a while. Over the last few months after gaining some ground here and there and finding a bit of relief from this torture, I feel like I have been slipping away into a very dark place. I havent even had the strength or desire to come to power surge anymore, which was once the only thing that kept me hanging on. I'm scared. I really am. I feel like the little hope I once had is completely lost. So much of my symptoms are mental/emotional. While I know that for many of you the anxiety that comes with peri/meno is debilitating, it has not exactly been the same for me. I DO suffer from boughts of anxiety, definite occassional panic attacks, and adrenaline surges that wake me from sleep which are HORRIBLE. But those have not been as constant or as debilitating as some of the other mental sensations Ive experienced since starting peri, many of them quite horrifying and actually hard to describe. While many of you know that I am one of the sufferers of Derealization, there is more to it than that which has me feeling sometimes that i am truly going mad, even though deep in my heart I know I am not. These symptoms are all so cyclical for me. The mental disturbances wax and wane with my period, and especially if I ovulate. Ive had all the tests done and all the doctors keep saying is that everything is NORMAL. But that couldnt be further from the truth. I feel mentally disturbed for most of the month and ever since all this started Ive never truly felt quite right again, merely different shades of horrible.

So I was just wondering if anyone would share with me some of their worst mental/emotional symptoms, maybe somehow it can confirm for me that it really is all just hormones and that the real me is still in there somewhere. I know these types of things are deeply personal and very difficuly to desrcibe, we are all so different and our thoughts and feelings so unique, but I am so completely at a loss. Waking up almost every day and never knowing how bad its going to get. Smiling through the mental anguish and torture is becoming more and more impossible. The worst part is not even knowing what is causing this. A drop in estrogen? progesterone? a rise in either? Im on all the supplements, Ive tried the soy milk, the creams, the diets, exercise. But when these feelings hit, nothing seems to alleviate them but the passage of time. I find myself face down on the living room floor sobbing into my carpet begging for relief from this. So if anyone could just offer me any bit of hope or understanding that they know what i mean. I would be so ever grateful, as always. God bless you all and bring you peace.....Dee

Dee I just replied to your post on another thread to send you a hug, as I am quite concerned for you.
You already know from some of my previous posts that I have been in the same dark place as you in the past, so I don't need to tell you about it again.

Sweetie I have been reading a bit lately about a thing called Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). There is a thread on here about it started by Michah Hadley "the danger of PMDD and peri" which I added to yesterday.
Why don't you have a look at it. It seems as though PMDD is a very extreme form of PMS which lasts for maybe three weeks out of four every month.
I am certain, with hindsight that this is what I used to have but at that time it didn't have a name.It sounds as though this could also be your problem?
I am unsure if there is any special treatment for it but at least it might help you to know that it is a recognised condition.
Maybe I will have a google about it and let you know if I can find anything moreabout it for you. Of course I do not suffer any more since my surgical menopause so I have not looked into it in any great depth but I will certainly do so now.
Hold tight honey

janet c

Dee have a look at this link and especially page 2.
There is lots of stuff on the web but it is a starting point for you. Hope it helps

http://www.healthyplace.com/depression/mai...mdd/menu-id-68/

janet c

yes dollie i have been to your hell and back !!!
years ago they called it a "nervous break down"
2 years ago i suffered one , my mother at my age also had one- wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy
to be out of control of your thoghts and logic was the most terrifing thing ive ever went thru
and yes it is hard to talk about or put in words, i spent 3 days in a pyschis ward, after not sleeping or eating for 7 days straight
sent me into a phychotic state of mind, i was givin some meds and luckily came out of it after a couple weeks of pure torture, i was
hearing and seeing things that wernt there, i was delusional, paranoid, it was terriable..... but that was 2 years ago
today im much better, i do not or have not needed any medication ( knock on wood)
and have felt pretty good, im almost 50, i take progesterone and testoterone cream
but thats it, feel free to PM at any time ...take care....

Thank you so much for your supportive words. Im so sorry for what you went through. I have also felt I had a nervois breakdown because of peri, but I slowly recovered from that, only to have a few better weeks in between and it all to come back again after a very heavy period. I cant even describe to you what Im feeling, its so hard to put into words. Its like this terrible creepy dark nightmarish sensation that you cant shake. It comes and goes in waves, and brings all kinds of feelings of being mentally confused and the sensation of unreality and not feeling like you are in a familiar place. Sometimes its laced with anxiety, but mostly its just this creepy horrific feeling. Its the most insidious thing Ive ever experienced and I have not had one truly normal day in 11 months of my life. Everyone keeps saying I will get through this. Im not even sure what "this" is anymore. Other than a nightmare. I just wish I knew how to help myself, if I had a direction to go in, maybe at least I could feel like Im making some kind of progress. But when you go from a horrible place, to almost normal, back to feeling trapped in a nightmare, there are just no answers to anything anymore. Thank you so much for your reply....Dee

I haven't been on this web site in quite a long time either, Just to let you know a few things about myself. I went through menopause in my early 40's (a few years ago). I am now 46. I lost my mom in late December 2007, from cancer. It was during that same week that I found out that my dad also had incurable cancer and had about 6 months to two years left to live. I had gotten out of the military a month after my mom passed. I was going back and forth from NC (where my house is) to NY where my dad and brother was living. That summer I had a sudden reaction (one day). All of a sudden, it felt like my whole body was speeded up. I could not concentrate at all including watching TV or read a book. I was really scared.
I did not hear voices or feel like I was going to die but I really thought that I was loosing or had lost my mind. All night long I kept on waking up every 1/2 hour or so. It was as if I was having an adrenaline rush but not in a good way. It was the experience of adrelanine that you might feel when you are in extreme danger. I went to the emergency room the next day and they sent me home. I again went back the day after that, for the same reason. They had given me some medication while I was in the VA hospital but apparently it was not the right kind. The third day I felt that I was just going to stay there until they admitted me. They did admit me to the psyche ward. I was there for two weeks. After about three days, I was finally able to sleep. I guess the medication started to take effect. I also told all of the doctors that I thought that something might be physically wrong. They did a bunch of tests but did not find anything, at that time.
It wasn't until a few months later that I found out that I had a thyroid problem (hypothroidism). This is actually where your thyroid slows down, not speed up. I have been wondering if my body knew something was the matter and was sending adrelanine or thyroid hormones in an attempt to set my body right. It is possible that all of the stress and everything else that happened at the time all came together and caused me to have a nervous breakdown or a panic attack.
It is very important that you get to a doctor to find out if anything is physically wrong (hormones etc) and/or if there is a problem with your brain chemistry. You may need (the correct) medication/s to get you straight. It may take awhile to figure out which one/s work for you and even then you may have to change it, throughout the years. Not all of the problems that people mention here are just related to perio or menopause but they can be contributors. The hormones, brain chemicals, stress, etc. can all contribute to someone's problem and no two people are exactly alike. Please see another doctor, especially a psychiatrist!

Dee:

Like NotCrazy I am also in the "neurotransmitter camp". I think some important brain chemistry in us is broken. I too know the exact moment when the adrenaline took over my life (standing in the shower after 2 months of daily nausea and my first missed period. And, although I have had times of feeling somewhat sane, most of the time I spend pretending I am who I used to be , instead of being her. What is the choice really? And, while I do spend time searching for answers, they have been slow to appear. Sorry if this post is a bummer but as I look back on the last 2 1/2 years, while they have been at times torturous, there have been many beautiful moments in my life which I would have missed if I parked myself in my misery and believed there was no great beauty in life to nourish my soul, at least for some moments at a time.

All the best to you as you continue your journey...

with love in spirit and sisterhood

Pookish

My dear 'DollieDee'
The anguish you are experiencing is tormenting and I know what I am saying because this is exactly what happened to me at age 39.It is as you say 'like being trapped in a nightmare'
I did go to a Psychiatrist and he gave me Prozac 20mgs plus Xanax to be used as needed.He had warned me that my symptoms would probably highten before I started to get some relief.He was right.I felt suicidal at one point but after about three months there was some relief.
At the end of that year I was diagnosed Post Menopause-ovaries had prematurely shut down-and was put on HRT.The difference it made to my state of well-being was great.
I also had tests done for my thyroid but Thank God,all normal.
However Dollie it is the time to find yourself a Psychiatrist who may or may not put you on Medication, but you need some supportive personal therapy.A safe place to share all your feelings and get the help you deserve.
It saddens me to think of you sobbing on the floor.Thank God you got back onto this Forum.
We are all behind you .
Please do not give up.You will eventually find the help you need.
God Bless and keep us Posted.
Elizabeth
P.S. I am still on Prozac and use Xanax as needed and I am now 58.
Like Pookeish pointed out I think there are many of us who have different 'brain wiring' and need Meds. or Therapy to get through.

Dear 'nc53215'
It sounds like you too have been to Hell and back
I just wanted to say I am sorry that you suffered this but Thank God eventually pulled through.
I honestly believe that some of us have very sensitive brain wiring and compound that with fluctuating Hormones and Thyroid problems and it is a recipe for disaster.
Here's hoping that you continue to do well.
God Bless
Elizabeth

Hi Janet,

Thank you so much for your kind reply, and for sharing this link with me. I did read it through, and found it very interesting, but I am not quite sure that this is whats happening to me. I've been in peri for a while. I believe my first real symptoms actually started happening to me when I was 35. It started with hives, mild hot flashes, terrible boughts of rage, depression, irritability, the first noticeable change in my cycle. Then a few years after came vision changes, IBS, rapid heartbeat, and like I stated a fear of driving which I have loved doing since I was 19. I believe that the Lyme disease infection I contracted in my early 20s set the stage for an early and brutal menopause. Last November I skipped the first period in my entire life. I was not pregnant, or on the pill. I just didnt get it. That was when all hell broke lose in my mind. I felt like I was going insane. I was coming home from work one night in Dec last year and the sky looked "weird" everything seemed too dark, and horrible like I was driving in a scary movie. I didnt know what was happening. I felt panicky all the time, on the edge of a breakdown, but somehow I held on and had real moments of my normal old happy self. Then I had a Traumatic experience in Feb of this year, finding my finance in a near diabetic coma. I thought he was dead and when I saw him on the floor I felt like I left my body completely and I never really came back. Since then, I have suffered every major peri symptom in the book, but the worst has been derealization and this other form of mental confusion that just takes over out of nowhere. I had 2 really good weeks between Sept -Oct and then last week after my period, I felt so horrible I really did not want to live anymore (but NOT from depression) but from the way my mind was torturing me. It was so bad, I am not out of it yet, but every day that passes I feel a little bit better. Ive had thyroid checked, and they say its normal. I did my own reasearch on that because I know how tricky thyroid can be, but my numbers really were ok. I am going back to my Lyme doctor to see if he thinks I should return to antibiotics, but my gut instinct tells me this is a rapid dropping and rising of estrogen. Like Pookish said, I think i am just extremely sensitive to any change in my neurotransmitters. the thing is, if something is happening inside us that we cant control, what are we supposed to do. I have thought about going on an AD, to see if I could feel even moderately better, but the horror stories are so terrifying I would rather ride out whatever my own mind is doing that to take that chance. The thing is that during certain parts of my cycle, I have really good moments/days, so I KNOW its not an AD I need, but a rebalance of my hormones. I am just suffereing so badly. I never thought life could be so horrible. Thank you all for talking to me. It means so much, but its so strange I used to take such comfort when I first came here and in everyones words, now I feel so hopeless it just doesnt even matter anymore. Why dont more people know about this? Why are so many of us misunderstood and mistreated by doctors while we go through the most difficult time of our lives? I dont understand. Thank you all.......Dee

Dear Elizabeth,

You have always been one of my main supporters on PS! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your beautiful loving and positive words. I have been thinking about seeing a therapist to talk to about this. As I stated previously, I am too afraid to take an AD. I never needed one in my life, so why should I start now? If this is hormones, i owe it to my mind to balance those first before throwing something else in the mix. I dont know anymore. I just dont. But you are such a sweet lovely person. Thank you for your unending kindness.
Dee

I hate the health anxiety ,, every little twinge is certainly a dreaded disease that is going to kill me in the next 60 seconds .. then I'll never see my kids grow up and get married and my grandchildren ... and on and on and on ...

I really want to add this for you though my 2 sons are in marching band in high school ,, I chaperone these kids every weekend to parades ,, field show competitions and football game half time shows.. this last friday night the band and colorguard preformed a halftime show competition,, afterwards we usually get one or 2 kids that arent feeling well (its a very demanding 13 minutes on the kids .. its like sprinting for them) ,,anyway ,, we usually expect a twisted ankle, or someone who feels faint because they didnt eat etc. HOWEVER this particular night a young man came to us in tears crying for no reason he couldnt speak ,, he was hyperventalating ,, I tried to calm him down and slow his breathing ,, gave him some water .. then he started to dry heave,, he was shaking,, I got him to slow his breathing then all the moms started bombarding him with questions .. which made him breathe faster again ,, we ended up getting paramedics for him .. only to find out he suffers from Panic Attacks.. so ,, this poor 16 year old young man made me see what a full bore panic attack really looks like when you dont have the age and wisdom to calm yourself and come to grips .. Now I dont feel so bad .. at least I dont go through what this poor kid does.. I'm going to count my blessings.

Dollie,
I've been surfing around PS for a couple of years but only started posting the past few monthes. I've read a lot of your articulate but emotional posts and I feel your pain. I was very young when I started experiencing peri symptoms, and like you, I have been completely swept off my feet by this peri hell. Somedays I just want hide or cry or do both. Everyday I ask myself..... "Why is this happening to me?" and pray to god that this will soon be over. No one understands or has a clue about the metal suffering that entails with aging ovaries or fluctuating hormones. Where are the hot flashes when you really need them?? No disrespect intended towards the ladies with flashes, I'm sure those are debilitating symptoms, too!! The anxious, panicky and parnoid feelings are symptoms I was never prepared for when I thought about menopause. All I do know is that the tricks my mind plays on me is an utterly,horrible feeling. Someone on an old post describe how they felt mentally in peri as wearing a dirty fish bowl over their heads. I agree and I think that best describe how I feel on a daily basis. Imagine having a dirty, disgusting, nasty @#$ fish bowl over and whalah (Is that how you spell this?--sorry!!) ..... that's how I feel. Everything seems to be scary, distorted and deeply dark. It's a feeling that is so hard to shake loose or free because it's constantly with you. I really can't offer some advise because I've tried it all without success......hormones,AD's, therapy and natural supplements. If hormones worked for me, I probably would still be taking them but they just made me feel awful. I know there are some horror stories about AD's but I think it's worth shot in feeling better but that decision is totally up to you. All I can tell you is to follow your heart and live your life the best way you possibly can!! Hang in there girlie.
((((Denise )))))

Try all of the above AND hot flashes too. You can have mine if you want them

"Imagine having a dirty, disgusting, nasty @#$ fish bowl over and whalah (Is that how you spell this?--sorry!!)"

Its spelled voila by the way- It's French.

janet c

Dear Sweet Dee,

I am so sorry you are still struggling so with this peri nightmare. I wish I knew something to do or say to make it all better for you, but if I could, I would help myself and all the others on here too.

By far the mental/emotional symptoms outweigh the physical any day. The whole time I had a 2 week reprieve of my mental symptoms, my joints ached something terrible, but I did not care! Just to finally have some peace from the mental torture was wonderful. No one knows what we are talking about unless they have experienced this.

The derealization/depersonalization is definitely the worse. But then again the anxiety and depression are a close 2nd. I do believe it is the sharp rises and falls of the estrogen. Our bodies do not know what to do right now because it has been used to having a rhythm of cycles all these many years and that rhythm has been disrupted. We are in a state of limbo.

My only bewilderment about all this is why some women go through the h-e-l-l you and I are going through and some breeze through with no symptoms. Like someone said above, some of our brain's are just more sensitive to the rapidly flux of hormones. I have read and hope and pray that it is true that it is this flux of hormones and not the cessation of them that causes our symptoms. This gives me some hope that someday we will have a break from this. Only thing, we just do not know when! Please take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Your PS sister,
mood_swinger

sending lots and lots of ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Dear Denise,

You are the first person who ever really expressed in words exactly what I am feeling. I am just like you in all the things you are going through, and I too ask, "why is this happening to me?" Its the most crippling experience in the world. No one really even knows what youre talking about, and you just cry and cry some more. But there is no relief. You are so right when you said that the feelings are so hard to shake because they are constantly with you....to a lesser or greater degree since they started, but always there. It starts to drive you mad after a while. It's like you can't breathe from it sometimes, and Im not talking about the anxiety, but from the way things look through your eyes, so different and strange, you dont know where you are sometimes, or who you are. It's like watching someone else move through a dream. You are totally disconnected from them, but somehow feel all their pain. Its beyond cruel. When you wrote "everything seems to be scary, distorted and deeply dark," I cannot tell you how much I understand that! But what i dont understand is why? Is that feeling from low estrogen, progesterone? or is it plummeting levels of serotonin or other brain messengers? Its so horribly frustrating not to know why you are suddenly not you anymore, and not home anymore. I am constantly asking to go home. I dont know where that is anymore because every place I go is the same, dark, strange, uncomfortable. Are there really any ladies here who had this feeling and had it go away at some point? Im not sure that I can do this indefinitely. Im just 41. Must this be my reality for the next 10-15 years? I could not bear it. Ive also noticed that after the first initial blow where I felt like I completely lost my mind and self, slowly slowly I started to regain little moments of clarity and of my sanity and personality. I thought...could I be coming out of this a bit? Then, this last period, it was so heavy (totally not normal for me as mine have been almost non-existant for the past year or so). Right after I stopped bleeding I was catapulted into that world of dark foreboding derealization and the feeling like I just wanted to rip myself out of my own body because I just couldnt take the emotional pain of it any longer. I also experience about 4 days of deep depression and endless sobbing which is something else that has never happened to me before this time even though Ive been going through horrible mental symptoms with peri, I was never that morbidly depressed before. The only thing I did differently was started taking phytoestrogen cream at the same time I was drinking revival soy milk. This was right before and during my period and then I felt so crazy. Do you think those things have added to what happened to me this time? Though its been about a week since I stopped them and I still feel like something is just really wrong with my head. Its so hard because 2 weeks ago I actually spent an entire day where I almost felt normal, almost OK. It was incredible, but it was just one day. That was the 21st day of my cycle and it was like a miracle to have such peace for a moment in time. Thank you so much Denise for letting me know that there is someone out there who knows exactly what Im experiencing and cares. Thank all of you wonderful amazing women here. I dont know what would have happened to me without this board and without all of you to help me through this.
God bless, Dee

Dearest Mood Swinger,

We have come such a long way together since we met last spring, and yet here we are still kind of in the same place. It is so hard. I agree with you that it is the sharp rise and fall of the hormones rather than their lack or dominance. I say this because my mother had a hysterectomy when I was born due to complications at birth. She was 32 and lost everything never to have a period again. She went through a year of amxiety and disturbing thoughts and then nothing. She was completely and totally herself again 13 months later. For those of us whose body's are still trying to "get into rhythm" as you said, its like a constant uphill battle. You said yourself that you felt almost well when your period stopped and then out of the blue when it came back 8 months later, you went into that terrible place. Why it has to be like this I just dont know. While I feel like Ive been feeling a little bit better, it is like I went back about 6 months into a very bad place, almost worse than when I first came to PS. I cant believe how insidious this all is. Thank you so much for your love and support. You dont know how much it means to know you are out there. I am praying for better days for us all. With love and hugs back to you.....Dee

Dear Dee,

After reading your posts and others, I just had to chime in. Although to some of you ladies who may be experiencing anxiety and depression for the first time, I have been dealing with them for more than half of my life. It has been a long, bumpy journey since my first panic attack at 19 years old. What I did back then was drink to numb myself, to get relief! It's called self-medication. Due to a few years of abusing alcohol I hit a bottom and sought help for my drinking. But after being sober for about 2 years the panic attacks came back and I actually became agoraphobic for about 3 months. UNTIL, I went to a very wise psychiatrist who said that my symptoms were due to my brain chemistry being out of balance. He put me on an antidepressant and within 3 weeks I felt almost 100% better! And since then, I have had relapses of depression and some anxiety and have had to go through a trial and error period of changing and/or adding meds. Sometimes after several years, they just stop working. And now with the addition of peri symptoms for the last few years, it's been a challenge. All I can share is my own experience but I hope that it may help you in some way.

I completely identify with how you are feeling. You describe how i felt when having a panic attack and the lingering feelings of derealization, etc. afterward. To me, everything looked gray. It was like I was looking through a veil. It was awful, I so sympathize with you and my heart goes out to you. BUT it will pass! It may take time but I discovered the more I fought it, the worse it got. When I could get to a level of acceptance, it made it a little easier to deal with. But over the years, here's what I've learned:

1. Alcohol only made my symptoms worse. I could get a few hours of relief but then the next morning my anxiety and depression was ten fold!

2. BREATHE! When I was having a panic attack, (happened a lot while driving), eventually I realized that I was holding my breath which exacerbated the sensations I was feeling. Do deep breathing for a few minutes and it does help calm you.

3. Watch your caffeine intake and also anything with ASPARTAME in it, i.e. diet sodas, artificial sweeteners. I finally learned to drink only caffeine free soda and use only sweeteners with sucralose. (I still can't give up my morning coffee)

4. If you decide to try an AD, go to a psych, not a GP. Some MDS just have limited knowledge about AD's

5. Fight for your mental health! I've had to be very assertive and be my own advocate sometimes with doctors. If one med doesn't work, try another. There are many out there and what works for some may not work for others. With me, if I'm on the max dose for a few weeks and don't feel better, I ask the doctor to try another. And sometimes I've had side effects
like headaches.

I've had a tough couple of years and sometimes I feel like I'm having mini breakdowns. But, my current psych said that the treatment is the same whether it's my depression or meno symptoms. So, she added another AD and put me on Neurotin for anxiety. (I can't take anything addictive like Xanax or Ativan.) It seems to be the "magic" combo RIGHT NOW.

I so relate to the crying! But I think that it can be cathartic sometimes. It's okay to cry and to feel. It will not kill me. I find that for me, life long issues are rearing their ugly heads right now. But I have some hope that they may finally be resolved
for good.

If you can just remember that it is about brain chemistry. There is nothing unusual about the way you are feeling. Hell, anxiety disorders are our number one mental health issue. So there are millions that have experienced what you are describing.
.
Please DON'T GIVE UP! Through every painful period in my life, if I'm willing to feel the pain, I somehow emerge on the other side a little stronger and more enlightened.

I hope that this has helped you, even in some small way. Just know that you are not alone.

Good Luck and hang in there!

No offense to any of the many women who have gotten relief from ADs and anti-anxiety meds, but I'm becoming more convinced that for some of us this isn't an anxiety disorder per se. I've had symptoms for a year now that are very similar to what Dee has described and I tried several different psych meds that made things far worse. In fact, I think they added to the horrific sense of depersonalization and derealization that turned my daily living into a dark, distorted, nightmarish hell.

I did take antibiotics for about 6 months that made things somewhat better because I was also diagnosed with lyme. (If there's one thing worse than having lyme disease it's going through peri at the same time!) But now I think the only thing that's giving me some relief is doing bioidentical hormone therapy. And while I'm still not back to my normal, I'm finding that after using the cream for a few months, a lot of the darkness is dissipating and I'm starting to come back to a functional state, whre at least I can go back to work and have been doing some social things. (Heck, I even cooked dinner the last few days, other than microwave mac and cheese or frozen pizza!)

Anyway, although I don't know 100% what really caused this hell, I am finding that with time it does seem like it has gotten better and maybe one of these months (or years!) it really will go away. BTW, the analogy of the dirty f ing fishbowl is one I can relate to. I've often said it's like I'm stuck somewhere deep inside of myself looking out at a dirty, scary and horrifying world that I no longer am connected to. But I hope that if I can get my damned hormones balanced out and get past this peri stuff to the other side of meno, I hope that one day things will get clear again.

Hang in there Dee, It's got to get better! Call me later if you'd like. I'll be home after about 2:30 my time.

Lots of love,

Cindy

PS Go Pirates! ;-)

Hi Cindy,

So is the Bio Identicals a new thing you started or have you been on them? Which ones are you using? I'm so happy you are feeling relief. I am actually doing pretty good so far (cross your fingers and toes) on the Pristiq. I feel more energized and little more connected to the world. It's day 9 or 10 so we shall see as I move forward. It's good that we have options, whether Bio or med wise. I did go to a hormone Dr. but with my testing anxiety he wouldn't give me any bio's unless I had a pelvic ultrasound (which I told him upfront I wouldn't do at the time because of my anxiety issues). I think I told you the story. Anyways, glad to hear you are doing better. I cooked an egg sandwich last night for me and hubby without giving it major thought, lol, does that count too?

(((hugs to you my friend))))
Mich

Cindy,

This is WONDERFUL news!!!! We have been through so much together on this journey and I have wished so hard that you would find some peace and light at the end of this tunnel. Maybe you will finally see the light for good. I hope all of us here find the same light. I would have given anything to have tried bios, but no one is listening. I am not giving up without a fight though. Thanks for your post....I will catch up with you later. Love always, Dee

Dear .crabby-patty'
What a strong lady you are.Your honesty about the very dark times you have gone through is inspirational.
I also believe that yes Hormones do play a very big part in our anxiety and depression but screwed up brain wiring is a big culprit too.
I have been on an AD. for many years now and that with the ,as needed Xanax,has helped to keep me sane.If it were just a matter of Hormones the HRT I am on would be enough but it is not.
Best Wishes to you too ,my friend
And yes the key is to keep fighting for Physical,Emotional and Mental health and never give up.
It is impossible to completely understand the 'Blackness' and believe me I have., until you have been through it yourself.
God Bless
Elizabeth

Dear Dee...

I feel your pain. I have been readings posts on power surge for over a year but have really had the energy to reply to any posts. Your post has inspired me...so I thank you for that.

I, like you, used to be "normal". I am 41...I was happy, no anxiety, no panic attacks. I was on the pill for 13 years for birth control. After I got married, we decided to have a child. It took 3 years, and now we have a healthy 5 yr old. All of this started about a year after she was born. I spent 3 years going from dr to dr before my mom mentioned peri. I really thought I was going crazy. Like you said, the symptoms go and come. I have to thank God when things are good because I just never know when I'll hit a bad patch. Its like my brain is not my friend. I have had heart palps, leg cramps, stabbing tension headaches, confusion, gas that mimics a heart attack, memory issues, anxiety, panic... I'm sure there are other symptoms, I just can't remember...lol I, like you, have spent lots of time in tears, praying for relief. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the memory loss. I say wrong words, don't remember conversations that I just had, put things where I cant find them...all the while trying to act like everything is ok. I feel trapped inside my body like I can't communicate whats REALLY happening.

I started taking Yaz for pmdd about 3 months ago. I'm notreally sure if its working. I'm so used to trying to 'hold it together' inside that I think I'm numb to the effects of the meds.

Truely, the only things holding me together are my faith in God, and my husband and daughter. I feel like I've done everything that is within my power. They give me the ability to "breathe" through it until it passes. Sometimes if it doesn't pass, I try to get a nap to rest my mind. I know that my brain is not my friend right now...so distraction is my only alternative.

Peace to you and everyone who reads this post.

My worse symptoms are definitly severe anxiety, and no appetite, insomnia. I cannot stand this early morning anxiety that stays with in me till evening. I'm not the person I used to be. I feel like I'm outside my body and want back in. I also feel lost with my mind. My head hurts my back is constantly sore due to stress. But mentally I feel lost.

I would say my worst problem right now would be my father. he seems to treat me like I am five years old, and then I get defencive and it is like a broken record, same thing always. He just back me into a corner and I feel that I have no where to turn. Any of you have any thing like this. Please say yes, and how did you resolve the issue?

anxiety and obsessive mind.

Jan56 Thank You so much for your wonderful and speedy reply. I alway make very light conversation with the parents but for some reason it caught up to me today. I have printed off your reply and will keep it by my phone on our next conversation. It is so nice to have people that are concered and that listen to others. Thanks again.
By the way I would send you an email like you did to me but not sure how.
Cheers
Queen Bee

Dee,

I have not been around on here either for months and how strange it is that I found myself feeling the need to come here tonight and seeing your post. Like you, I haven't been around for very similar issues as you know. The derealization, the ups and downs, the anxiety, the panic, the depression, the living nightmare wore down on me so much I ended up going two months ago into the ER and actually looked forward with what hope I could muster in my sick depressive state that inpatient treatment on the psych unit might have some answers. A normal stay there is approx. 5 days. I was there for 3 weeks and on 24 hour watch the first good week. That alone says how bad I needed it.

I don't recall if I told you that I have Bipolar II with Anxiety and Panic Disorder (diagnosed at 16) but have had remissions not needing meds and hadn't been on them for years when the recent peri issues came up too. I thought for sure it was ALL hormonal related and you know I messed with the P cream which made matters far more terrifying, then jumping to E hoping it'd balance but think I was too far gone after so much P, then the birth control pill which made me feel so terribly suicidal (I am certain now from the P content as I can't seem to tolerate that at all) that I had to stop it asap.

I was seriously at my last end of the rope and many suggested on here I go for inpatient treatment. This was a last option to me and I feel blessed as of now. It's only been almost 2 months but I am back after years off on a mood stabilizer (Lamictal), AD (Wellbutrin ....I cannot tolerate SSRI's as they throw me into dysphoric mania...which can also cause DR), and Klonopin which is a benzo to help with the panic and anxiety as needed. Klonopin and Ativan were always my life savers when it came to the derealization.

Since being on the meds my moods have evened out dramatically even in such a short time and I actually found a will to live. I find myself though now in a very dark place again...and though not near as horrific as before still very uncomfortable with DR, anxiety mixed with depression....and this is the week before my period. I was feeling wonderful the first of the month throughout considering my state even a month to two months ago and I know meds will still take time or need adjusting. But I now can see alot more answers clearly through this since trying every route of hormones only to torture myself worse. I am on none now and haven't been for months. I can still sense the P cream is in my system though and tests show it is still in upper normal range.

This horrific anxiety, depression, DR seems always related to around my period too and before I'd have to adjust my meds mid month with a little increase to help quell them. I am in total agreement it's not one or the other thing now that I used to ask everyone searching in desperation but the cycles, the spikes, the ups and downs throughout the month and with very sensitive individuals like ourselves (and I see now moreso with my bipolar) it just makes it all the more worse. The mood stabilizer helps with this as well I've noticed but I have more answers to search for to get myself back as much as I can.

I was on a vent to not to take ADs (SSRIs or SSNRIs only) again because I had recalled them making me feel much worse. Yes they definitely did because I had not been on a mood stabilizer which again threw me into mania and in general are not recommended for bipolar most certainly not without a mood stabilizer. I was reluctant to try this again but felt it had to come to this and I have hope now.

Also for the adrenaline surges, horrible nightmares, panic attacks waking me mid night I am taking Phosphatidyl Serine which helps stabilize cortisol levels and I must say that my DR has decreased dramatically since including that as well. I hardly even feel the need for Klonopin to rid the DR except this time of the month now. My cortisol was high, I had plenty of P and still do and the fluctuations of hormones with the BPD all added to this mess especially when I took things into my own hands hoping for a miracle.

Now that I've been able to think clearer all the wonderful ladies on here bring such warmth and comfort I remember trying so much to help and encourage me in the darkest state I think I've ever been in. All those that can even relate to the DR I so appreciate hearing that it can get better and survive from. I pray you are doing better so much Dee and was so glad to see Cindy has been. I promise you WILL get there. If I could get through this as my last resort seriously...just look at my last posts how bad I was...then I know you can too. I'm finally seeing the other side of happiness again and will figure out the issues around my period how to deal. Please if you want to write or call do so anytime.

I love you all more than words can say for being here for me when I needed it more than you can imagine and being part of my beginning to recovery by suggesting I seek further help. You ladies are all angels God sent to me and Dee please hang in there...He IS listening and watching over you...I finally feel Him in my heart again as the dark curtain is lifting.

Love,
Shar

Dearest Shar,

It is SO good to hear from you!!! It has been such a long time, and I know we have not spoken, but I have thought of you every day. I can't believe how positive you sound in your post above. I remember how defeated and in pain you were when we first started talking about our journey through peri. I have prayed so much for you and for everyone going through this nightmare. I know you understand the torment of Derealization and how it makes your life a living hell. I am so encouraged by your words of hope. All the things you tried though, I am not sure that i would be able to go the same route. I don't know if I would ever try ADs, though I have honestly given it more thought lately than I ever did before. The thing is, I never had an issue before peri, was not depressed in my life, or suffered with any emotional imbalances, and I am sooo afraid that adding anything chemical ontop of an already chemically out of balance body, might push me over the edge and then I think what if I can never come off them? What if it makes me even crazier? I know that Cindy had such a horrific ordeal on Celexa. I am so scared of my own brain chemistry at this point, that i am battling with the idea of this myself. I am not sure if I told you this but I am one of the ladies here who has Lyme on top of peri and sometimes I wonder how much the underlying infectious disease has screwed up my mind (Lyme can cause significant DR/DP by itself) as opposed to purely a hormonal imbalance. The other thing that is freaking me out right now is that many of my physical peri symptoms have significantly diminshed over the last month or so...the hot/cold flashes, joint pain, fatigue, tremor, dizziness, etc, BUT the mental symptoms hit me full force after my last peirod, so I dont know what is causing what anymore. I had my last period almost 3 weeks ago and just prior to that I felt almost "stable" for the first time in a long time, though still suffered with a low-grade level of constant DR, which is one of the most horrible symptoms that will not let me be at peace. Anyway, after I got my period in October, I was catapulted into this surreal nightmare where everything seemed incredibly dark, frightening and jumbled in my mind. I KNOW it was from my period because it came on very quickly the moment I stopped bleeding. I know this is hormonal, but I just dont know what I need anymore. For me too, the Progest makes me even sicker, its so horrible what that can do to me. Then I started taking some estriol cream/phytoestrogen cream/revival soy and I felt like I went crazy. it literally made the DR 10x worse. The whole thing is just exhausting trying to figure out what to do next, what to try to regain a small portion of my life and mind back. No one can convince me that this mental state Im in isnt about hormones. This happened to me after I missed my first period in 26 years, as I started at 14 and never skipped one in my life until last year. Then the DR hit and hit hard, I have never been the same after it. It's been a year of this mess this month and I am literally at wits end but I keep on trying like all of us to find that magic combination of things that will rebalance my body and mind. Maybe I have to wait until my periods stop for this to be over, I dont know. but I wont give up trying.

Shar, I am so glad to hear that through trial and error you are slowly finding yourway back to happiness and peace. I cant tell you how wonderful that is, I remember reading your words filled with such pain and agony and I would sign off line crying for both you and me. I am also glad to hear that you feel your connection to God again. Without getting too religious here, I just want to say that nothing in my life challenged my faith as much as the last 11 months have. I too felt like I "lost God" or rather, he lost me and I no longer feel close to my faith at all. I know for some it is all that helped pull them through, but I am so angry right now at everything including and especially the one responsible for my very existance. Anyway, I am so so happy for you and i will continue to wish you all the peace and health in the world. I wish that for everyone. Thank you all so much for reading this thread, for posting your kind words and letting me know how much you all care. your voices have carried me. I only hope that I have been able to offer the same to those in need.
With love and gratitude.....Always, Dee

insomnia and clausterphobia!

(((Dee))) it's so good hearing back from you and I can't express how incredibly sorry I am you are still suffering through this mental pain knowing ALL too well the symptoms to a tee you describe. It's like when talking to you and Cindy I felt as if my own words were being said to me without me even having to try explaining to you both how I felt. I couldn't believe you both and others on here opening up about it actually knew what I was feeling and could express the same pain...especially I think in our cases the DR being the most terrifying feeling of all. It's so hard to even put it into words. I found this topic http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/inde...l=derealization and sissyl's explanation a great one.

I don't want to repeat myself too much on this as I posted alot under the "Living with Mental Disorders" section on Bipolar diagnosis but I was so insistent on this being hormonal and so determined not to get back on my BP meds (mostly bc of past psych docs insisting on SSRIs for my depressive state which sent me into mania and more DR) that I messed myself up even further messing with my hormones and hoping for a miracle all the while feeling much more horrific.

I realize in my case now it's not one or the other scenario but that I need both stability on my meds and hormonal balance. As we all know neurotransmitters and hormones both can cause the other to wreak havoc if one is unbalanced. In my case either a relapse of BP caused disruption in hormones or hormonal transistions in peri/me messing with my hormones caused a BP relapse. I don't know for sure which but I DID find out messing with my hormones created much more disruption and emotional torture for me on their own.

Now only on the meds I haven't felt more like myself in years. I feel happy, look forward to life, enjoy all the things I've missed and withdrew from...it's been most amazing even in such a short period of time. So addressing this has obviously been the route I needed to begin with I just learned the hard way, which is fine as it turns out a blessing in disguise figuring out answers.

I do know in time I will need to address the hormonal side too as before my period the DR, anxiety, depression will return but even in the last two cycles has been nothing compared to the torture before. In fact, everyday of the month was torture for me and it has resolved to symptoms now just the week before and few days of my period still not comparable to the pain before. I will likely need an adjustment in meds mid month as I had before and eventually look into the BHRT. Just as with the hormones in trying one at a time, I'm not about to mess with them now as my recovery is still so early and I'm feeling so much better each day. I will pan out the meds, give them time to settle more, do their job, make adjustments and if not helping still before my period look into an option with hormones then.

I won't get into the religious here so much either but I'm sure we can all relate to those feelings of God turning against you. I would pray to go home as you say constantly too. I could never feel God's presence in those states, I'd scream in the DR states of pure terror asking where He was and why He was punishing me or hating me so much. I developed intense anger and hatred for any so called God who I once knew as my all loving support now 'leaving' me with this pain to deal with and even began to question if He existed. He most certainly does (and again please I'm not trying to offend anyone's religious beliefs these are just my opinions and experiences). What was all wrong and evil was my MIND working against me not God. Now that the darkness if lifting I DO feel Him again but I couldn't in the state I was in. I couldn't enjoy or love, I felt empty, nothing mattered, I withdrew from loved ones, couldn't even carry out day to day activities, felt utterly helpless and thank God I didn't suffer a stressor like losing my Dad that would send me completely over the edge. I begged and prayed for my mind to return to some normalcy...how else can we continue without our mental state intact??? WITHOUT YOUR MIND YOU HAVE NOTHING!!!

I've lived with BP and the symptoms of DR, anxiety, panic, depression you name it for over 20 years since diagnosed. I believe that my hormones could make matters much worse though or vice versa again. In my case the meds are helping beyond what I could have ever asked for as well as the most amazing doctors at a leading medical university renowned for it's research on BP. My psych docs are well aware of the hormonal issues with this on top of peri and linked me up with ob/gyns they work with to address all issues.

They did say with firm belief that DR is a manifestation of severe anxiety and happens most often in the midst of panic arising. Sometimes in my case it will manifest as mania but they insisted moreso with my anxiety/panic. I have noticed this as a pattern too. The hormones sent me into these states when I tried them, again not knowing exactly the neuro and hormonal relations directly. That's why we do so much trial and error afterall. I absolutely believe you when you say you feel your DR is hormonally related because those changes can trigger the panic and causing the DR so easily when imbalance and you being so sensitive to the changes. I can never say this is the case for another since we are all different but they believed firmly in mine it reared it's ugly head in the panic states. That is why I feel Klonopin and Ativan have been lifesavers. When I feel it surging on instead of taking them in the midst of panic I now take them as those too sickly familiar feelings come on and try stopping it dead in its tracks as my docs suggested which has really kept the DR more at bay.

I understand your concerns of going on ADs and I'm not saying that is your answer just that you consider other routes. You have gone the hormonal route yourself now too without success. The Lyme could very well be. Keep searching and hang in there. There is an answer to each of our individual situations and body chemistry. Antibiotics, benzos, ADs...anything you can look into and research to get your hands on please do. I know the fear in trying things that could end up making you feel worse but you have to look at the other side in trying your best not to fear the exact same treatments that could help you recover from the insanity you feel! No, you do NOT have to just live with this for years on end suffering...I thought the same thing.

Just please think of these issues and talk with other doctors Dee seeking more potential answers. You are too lovely of a person with such a big heart. I felt that from the minute I read your posts to our IM and phone conversations. I admire you, you're beautiful and you deserve to feel this happy state as we all should! Don't let it keep ripping you apart...keep searching and praying and please contact me if you want to talk more. Now that I have been helped and feel my mind coming back, I feel so incredibly blessed in so many ways including reaching out to others feeling the pain I did as they did with me in that state. I'm here for you!

Love,
Shar

Dear Shar,

I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed and overjoyed at your new-found state of inner peace. You dont even sound like the person I once talked to anymore. You were in SO much pain and there were times when I didn't hear from you that I truly suspected the worst. It's like a miracle reading your words above. I remember you telling me that at one time the only place you felt safe (or could tolerate) was being under your blanket in your bathroom because you needed to shut the world out because it had become so horrible to experience. Now you are a new person! How I wish I could find similar peace soon. This dreaded thing has become a constant companion, and the worst part is this state is slowly becoming so normal that I am forgetting how life once used to be. If only I could somehow get to the point you are now, but I dont know how. I have unfortunately bumped into Dr after Dr that was completely indifferent to all of this. But I wont give up. I know also that all the weirdness, the darkness and the feeling of emptiness and hatred truly is inside my head, not "out there" in God, or in anyone else, really. I so need to get better. Cindy is, and now you....I just need to be where you both are. I am so so so happy to know that you are living again. God bless you all....Dee

Hi Ladies

Thank you so much for sharing all the details of your recent and current pain, although I know all my symptoms over the past five years have been menopausal, I have been told by Dr and psych that they are psychotic and have been on anti-psychotics. My periods stopped a few weeks after my 48th birthday, I'm now 52. I chose not to take HRT and believe I have been persecuted for that decision. For the last 3 months I have been taking multi-vitamins and minerals. My symptoms have changed in recent months to more delusions, to the point I don't think anyone around me believes I am menopausal or post-menopausal.

MG

I would just like to add that my power surge is constantly on and that I have got used to it, living with it, only talking to a few trusted others about it. It feels like orgasm. Now I have found you, perhaps you would be kind enough to respond, with a few words? I do question whether the AP med I have taken has induced further unwanted symptoms, is that possible? I only started to hear voices this year. Also what aspects of the change should we not be accepting as insights into parrallel worlds/six sense abilities? I used to listen with awe to those who at will could astral project, remote view etc. Now I experience something similar although I have not the control over when or how. What is normal? I have in the past two years been sent home from work for acting out of character. By the way I'm in the UK, which will explain the time differences of my response.

MG

Welcome to PS MG,

I,m UK also,can,t offer any wise words although I,m sure the ladies on here will.

If you don,t get any response start a new post.

All the best

KathS

Hi I'm new here,been visiting the boards but never posted..though i'm sorry to see so much suffering it has also been a great relief to me to know i'm not alone and this wierd stuff is not just happening to me. I hope it is peri otherwise i dont know what to think.
It all came on suddenly at work one day, I just went "out there" and felt like a wall was between me and the world. It freaked me out and i went into horrific anxiety and panic, stopped sleeping, eating, felt that horrible dark unfamiliar thing that you describe, Dee. And this is someone who has coped strongly with everything always, been calm and together, slept like a baby and love to eat! its like my whole self turned upside down.
I had to stop work, depression also set in, and i have been living an everchanging version of some or all of this since then.
I tried Acupuncture and TCM (helped a bit with sleep and appetite temporarily), energy healing (has helped a bit), counselling, homeopathy, St JOhns Wort, Fish Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Calc and Mag.
My wonderful daughter has been amazing and has stuck by me 24/7 since this started and just been loving and supportive. So hard to do this to the kids i also have a son in college and its been hard to not be able to work and help him.Their dad passed away 3 years ago
I felt a little better beginning of Nov, even a bit "normal" but the last few days it all went freaky again and I'm in such a wierd state like so disconnected and not myself at all and wake up with such a scary feeling of will i ever be ok again. The fish bowl analogy was really good, its so hard to describe this stuff to others they are like huh? My mom sailed thru meno and is doubting this but is less skeptical since i told her about this site!
Alot of my family wanted me to go on AD but i just couldn''t face it- said i would not rule it out and have a scrip for Lexapro. I took Xanax maybe 3 times but the horrific anxiety seems to be gone at the moment that surging adrenaline that would not let me sleep. I went thru sleeping tabs (horrible only took twice) Valerian (very good sometimes) Tylenol PM (also good) but it was only when I returned to Ireland frum US in Sept and had a big jet lag that i suddenly started to sleep properly- wierd but i'm not complaining. Need the sleep so much and am so thankful its like something kick started it back. If I could just kick start my normal self back now that would be good.
I see many of you are very exact with cycle days and i am now keeping track better and hope to see a pattern-I still have regular periods but they seem to be coming around 20 days apart and are short (I never kept track always spacy so not sure what my cycle should be)
Just alot of friends who have been in meno seemed to think this was what i'm going thru, also Dr Christiane Northrup says that whatever undealt with stuff in your life comes up at this time so i think much crap to work thru hence the counselling.
Sorry for long post but i wanted to do this for ages and am grateful for this site and all the women here so open and supportive x