Well, here is a post like all the others here.
I am sad, almost always.
I want to do something fun but nothing sounds fun anymore.
I am tired, of all of it. I am on zoloft (for at least 10 years) wellbutrin, now lipitor and now taking xanax to combat my essential tremor which they say is genetic but no one in my family ever had it. (and it happens worse when I am stressed)
I am in such an incredibly bad place. I worry about everything, even though I know better..really I do know better. It will pass, it's out of my control, I'm doing the best I can, Gods in control - I know all the slogans but can't seem to internalize them. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, almost hoping I do get the flu so I have a valid excuse to stay home. I want to cry, hard, to get it out and I can't seem to get that going either. I miss my kids, (they are moved out - grown up and have their own lives - I want a 5 year old again - ) I feel like so many of the other women who post in this topic..I am glad I am not alone, but I don't want to be in this place. I want to feel vibrant, I want to wake up at a real time (not up and down all night) I want to enjoy something other than eating...(I wish I didn't enjoy that quite as much as I do) I need to exercise to feel better but for the life of me I can't make myself do it...just do it, I know, I don't have to like it, do it and be bored, but just do it, but I can't...what the heck?
I won't say I want to die, but I sure don't want to live the rest of my days like this...it seems like such a waste...whats the point..and I wonder if the people close to me even have a clue (I hope they don't cause I don't want to hurt them)
I think it's time for a padded cell.

OK - self talk...
Girl, take a long shower, shave your legs, wax your upper lip...get dressed, put on make up and perfume, and bright lipstick...fix your hair. Eat a light nutritious breakfast, take your meds, (double the zoloft for a couple of weeks ) and add some vitamins. Drink water! lots of water. Clean out your car, and your fridge, go to the grocery store (I love the grocery store) Get a latte or a chai and smile at everyone, say good job to the deli girl, and the cashier....park the car far away. Use your new day planner to list all the things you think you will forget to do on monday that are really important so you can get them out of your head. Look online for a zumba or other fun exercise class and make it a freakin' priority to do some thing physical thats fun..at least others think it's fun...so try it dagnabit! Pretend its your Chemo (not making light of chemo..just need to realize that it's life or death for me to move my fat body and get endorphins going).. you know what to do...and start a gratitude journal...stop journaling food for now since you journal things like eating scones and cookies so it's not helping you eat less and you just stare at your failures, and journal your blessings instead. And if its not raining get outside today, when the sun comes up (it's only 6:00 a.m. and dark) drink your next coffee outside, look at the sky and the birds..and change those meloncholy cd's in your car to something upbeat! *hit! no one can fix this for you...you have to do it...I am tired of being sad, I want a life. I want a life. I want a life. (yeah, now I'm starting to cry)

I know where you are because I've been there too. Dispair...loneliness...depression...It really *****. I think most of us here can all say we've been there or are right there now...this morning. I do like what you wrote to yourself though...it's like a good kick in the butt that we all need sometimes. You have a good way with words of encouragment. Make sure you LISTEN TO YOURSELF. And I will too. Thanks.....

Oh tina:

I could write your exact post. There are a lot of days that I do not feel in control of anything. I know how hard it is and I agree with Texasgirl, your words of encouragement are elegant and right on the money.

I will remember those words and hope that you listen to yourself too. I would like to add one thing though, there is no reason to jump in and do everything at once. Try just sitting outrside for a little bit, or taking a short walk to clear your head.

I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. I know it helps me.
Hugs to you,
Jeaninne

I know were your coming from.I think when we get like that we sometimes need a good cry but then I have to fill my heart with hope.That's why I come on here,but I also have a pile of spiritual and possitive books to put my mind on the right track again. [[[Big Hug]]] Lumz

I should have read your post before I posted mine, because I see myself in alot of what you expressed. The big difference being I'm single and no children. The part about no motivation to get moving. Yesterday, I did go out and shop a little and park my car further away than usual.
I realize I'm in a depression of sorts. For the millionth time-I'm so grateful for PS.

thank you all for your replies...I did do almost everything I said, (and got alot of compliments on my makekup!) I overate alot, but I'm not going to beat myself up. (didn't clean the car or fridge either - yet)
Todays action steps: find an exercise class, the zumba lady didn't reply to my email yet..so I'll search online to find class schedule.
Lumz, you reminded me to pull out my collection of possitive books and read them, not just look at the cover. Which ones do you have that you like? I think I am going to start glancing again at Simple Abundance, Younger by the Day, and maybe a Max Lucado one on peace - i have several of his - oh, also maybe my little one about how to have a Charmed Life..I can keep that one in the car.
Also today, go over finances, so I can have some peace of mind about it..instead of guessing..at least if I review it, I'll have an idea one way or the other whats going on, instead of creating a monster that might not even be there.
Continue with meds, especially xanax so I don't visably shake...
I read something in an email I got this morning from a 'guru' of sorts..not that i believe in everything that was said, but a few lines line in a big email jumped out to me...She was telling of walking on the beach with her daughter and gave her this advise...
"(If you want to conjure something, you have to determine that you are great at it, even before it happens. Even if you have no idea how to do it.)" and then this quote "I told her that the best way to conjure something is to write her desire in the sand. And then, to enjoy however long it takes to acquire it. And to do little things, every day, in the direction of creating that desire, even if it is just enjoying the thought. And trusting that the timing of everything coming to her would be perfect. Even if it took longer than she wished."

Well, I am not even sure that I know what my desire is anymore..little one's sure, clean the house, get in shape, clean my closet, etc. But I'm talking about the big desire: I'll have to think about the that, but for now, I want to master the little desires, to move in the direction of my dreams, even if it is just clean my closet..which would be very nice. In the email I quoted from above, the desires were also not grand, one was getting a babysitting job, one was finding sand dollars.

I will smile today. I will do the best I can, look the best I can, look up to the sky and know that someday, someday I will have peace in my heart...it may be in heaven, but I will have it. I will not give anyone else the power of my emotions about myself..if someone else is upset at me, I will not own it.

Saturday it rained all day, I met with a 'prostodontist' about my lack of teeth (fortunately in the back of my mouth) I will get a quote this week, guessing about $15,000.00 (truly) - if it was for husband I would say - do it- if it was for my kids, i would say do it - Can you believe I am considering NOT doing it for ME - and just being toothless! (which would create future problems for my bite and other teeth that would shift!) I joke and say I'd rather buy a mini cooper and be toothless, but I wouldn't buy a mini cooper, I would just be toothless...so I need to figure out how to do this..

Oy, it will be a good day today, (I am believing in that truth before it happens, let's see if it works)

comfort and joy to you.
tina